Crazy Fool's Newsround - 17th - 23rd sept 2010 volume 398

17th - 23rd sept 2010 volume 398
September, 22nd 2010 22:36 PM

“I’ll see you in the next world and don’t be late

Don’t be late”

(Jimi Hendrix)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 23.9.10

For 42 Engineer (Geographic)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you

And prawns!

The world’s Electric Infrastructure Security Council has warned the sun might partially explode in 2013 causing colossal world carnage.

A great sun spot is anticipated to generate enough magnetic energy to trigger radiation storms creating massive power surges big enough to disable global power grids.

The pursuing chaos would ground planes, disrupt food distribution, such as takeaway burgers and prawns, confuse Sat Navs, halt bumper cars completely and put the internet out of acti…________________________________/…________..

Our great cooker in the sky’s explosion is due to set off an apocalyptic, yet stunning red sky, which has shepherds all over the world panicking.

It also possesses a darker side if given to the hands of chaos. Within this storm are believed to be ruby and sapphire jewels found clustered in dust clouds that will fall to earth.

Britain’s Defence Secretary Dr. Liam Fox said, “While we all benefit from scientific advances, so we also create vulnerabilities that can be exploited by our enemies.”

US former defence advisor Dr Avi Schnurr agreed; “A geomagnetic storm could shatter nations all over the earth. We cannot wait for disaster to spur us into action. If we’re going to avoid chaos, we need to Get Smart!”

Six of the best

The Pope has been visiting Britain amidst chaotic clouds of accusations and bomb threats.

Six London street cleaners were arrested after a plot to blow up the Pontiff following comments by top aide, Cardinal Walter Kasper who stated “When you land at Heathrow you think you’re in a third world country.”

The street cleaners claimed their only crime was to keep their patch clean.

Cardinal Kasper then quickly made his excuses and disappeared saying he had gout, whilst the Pope was left to tell people they can’t change Christmas to Winterval, as he’d already had his cards printed with him and the kids.

Things that hump in the night

Portsmouth council cannot sell, what is presumed to be one of Britain’s most haunted houses.

Wymering Manor is a Grade II listed building dating back to the 17^th century. The former Vicarage, family home and youth hostel even gets a mention in the Doomsday Book of 1086, which is weird because it wasn’t built then.

Yet, apparitions, the sounds of children’s whispers and variable drops in temperature have the night time security guards spooked, and they refuse to work alone.

The £375k manor house has permission to be used as a hotel. If you’re interested contact CardinalWalterKasper.com

Cardinal Kasper’s exorcism

Sssh, you know who

Britain’s secret service used semen as invisible ink. In 1915 agent Mansfield Cumming discovered semen would glow under UV lights but was not detectable by chemicals.

In the diaries of Professor Keith Jeffrey, The History of Secret Investigation Service 1909-1949, Jeffrey noted Cumming’s discovery had his bosses aghast when he revealed ‘Semen would not react to iodine vapour.’

Other notes stated fresh semen was appropriate for research, as one agent’s collection caused a stink. Alas, agent Cumming was sadly removed from the team as his unfortunate surname caused endless jokes – if you’ve got, please don’t send it in.

It’s written all over her face

What you laughing at?

A Russian art group has turned to tipping over police cars in a demonstration against police corruption.

The group who once drew a picture of a 200ft high penis on St. Petersburg’s Drawbridge and staged a mass orgy in Moscow’s Biological Museum stated, “The police won’t pursue us. We have neither money nor property, so there’s nothing to get from us. The werewolves in epaulettes don’t work for no reason and for fun.”

In a separate incident the group set thousands of cockroaches loose in a court trial where of two of its suspects were on trial.

Police found neither reason nor fun in their actions.

Is Delhi in Scotland?

When Scotland’s John O’Groats refused to collect their Carbuncle award for ‘Worst Scottish Town’, Denny said they’d take it.

One resident explained, “The town centre looks like Beirut on a bad day.”

In close contention were; Leeds, where you can smell the poverty, Glasgow’s Gallowgate that represents a subhuman wasteland of neglect; and Cumbernauld, which was depicted as, ‘a miserable place full of miserable people.’ – Which can only lead to one song

(quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Daffodils stolen from people’s gardens rose 46% during this hit.’

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

Can you remove me from your mailing list.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I went into a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a Goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I told care what star sign it is.’

If you’re looking for Brummies finest it’s gone to the trivia page – Play of the Day etc – it was getting a bit crowded here…more added this week!

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news

*The world’s smallest cow is 33 inches – fact

*Remember that bloke, David Jones, who sat in a room for 121 days with all those snakes; 27 puff adders, 2 black mambas, 2 green mambas, 7 boomslangs and 3 cobras and smashed the world record – well, he didn’t, as the Guinness people only recognise, ‘sitting with the most rattlesnakes in a bathtub.’

*Possum throwing has been banned by a school in New Zealand’s north island for being ‘morally wrong’. Hurling dead possums has been the highlight of Colyton School for generations. Now New Zealand’s RSPCA has told the school, ‘to wake up and smell 2010.’ – Which, for them is like an episode of Mr. Ben.

*Vladimir Ketya drank vodka and smoked some weed with his neighbours then, as they all slept, he cut off one of their heads off and tore out his heart, lungs and liver because he thought he was a wild boar.

Olag Kovalenko woke to see the carnage and ran for help. Police in Laden, Ukraine said, “At first Ketya was silent when we arrested him, but then he said he had killed and dissected a wild boar.” – He was then set free and commended on boosting the economy, but it was indeed a sad case of miss-identification about the wild boar thing.

Number crunching

*Stop everything; Women have upped their age limit of finding men sexy to…55 – 13 more stud-like years left in the fool then.

*Stephen Butler from West Midlands UK broke the world record for most press ups including claps in-between - at 73 in 60 seconds. Whilst Patrick Reilly from Scotland received the most rejection letters as a manager from professional football clubs, at 46.

*Frenchman Philip Croizon 42 took a leaf out of the Chinaman’s book from last week and swam the English Channel with no arms and legs, literally. He did it in 13 hours and said, “I’ve done this for myself and for those who have suffered tragedy and lost their taste for life.”

*World’s longest cucumber? – 43 inches.

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz