Crazy Fool's Newsround - 17th-23rd Nov '06' volume 213

17th-23rd Nov '06' volume 213
November, 23rd 2006 10:26 AM

‘Cats on the rooftop, cats on tiles, cats with ghoneria, cats with piles, dum de dum de dum dum da dum dum duuuuuuuum, as we revel in the joys of fornication..' ‘Thomas, is that you?...Thomas?' ‘Oh, every body wants to be a cat.' ‘Thomas, why I oughta...Thomas.' -

- The lad from the valley returning home to his wife recently after another successful Vegas sell-out night. With a couple of pairs of panty-hoe's in his suit pocket no doubt too. Tony Bennett's still at it as well, did you know that? Can you believe? Barring The Happy Monday's and The Stone Roses' era, is anything new these days or is it just that the time warp of age really exists, and there really is a cut off point to what you, perceivably know? Let's not leave it at music, although that is the cornerstone of any essential time capsule. Paranoia's a mind fuck. Paranoia has increased 1000fold thanks largely to Yank lawyers, Hollywood fat cats and probably a small cartel somewhere in Colombia - now, that's uncanny isn't it? Columbia Pictures! When you dig up something new from the innovative lozenge of your mind - check the sell by date. What's new pussy cat?

But don't take any notice of me, I don't even exist! Instead cop these:

1. The quote, ‘New balls please' is most famously taken from what sporting venue?

2. Which US state is north of Wyoming?

3. Who gives Tony Awards?

4. What is unusual about Christopher Lee's terrifying role in Dracula - Prince of Darkness?

5. Which bird flies highest?

6. What name is given to dried and germinated barley?

7. Which saint's day follows Christmas day?

8. Which three countries produce the most cars annually?

All answers are scribbled on a piece of paper which is tucked inside an empty gin bottle, which in turn is probably tucked inside some lady of the night's fake silk garter, who probably doesn't even live in Whitechapel but most certainly plies her trade there. Alternatively go to http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ and look up the comp and results icon, click on the black writing - Tommy may make an appearance...and he may not, and also and there and all that. Aus are 106-1

Is it me?

In the WHO AM I? We've had a lot of suggestions for Captain Cook, which is not correct but halfway there. The real answer you should be looking for is Captain Vonbreebackensnitzel-dooby-doo - too much?,...as he is known in the East Indian trade winds, or for a more homely clue, he's akin to have an eye for the lady's - that was your clue.

Pacharan, GTM, Foster's, Vasco's, Blue Gecko, Bootlace Holidays, Inkslinger Tattoos - get ‘em while they're hot, they're lovely.

*Digger's digging up the dirt on the game where blokes wear vests. *Trigger's your personal punting guide. *Grub is up, *tit-bits are abound, *Quiz's, *archives, *Ashes, *Jimmy the Fish is on a swim about, and live footage from the long awaited for *Bongo Massif Bro's, well one of them. Aus 163-2.

This is a Bongo Massif Bro

But now rugby; Robbo, "We were struggling in that 2^nd half and it was all about getting that win."

Grrr. Robbo

Martin Johnson on Robbo, "I've seen players replaced for making one mistake. Here we make mistakes at the top, game after game. I believe it would be better for England and for Andy if he were replaced now so we can get on with building towards the world cup."

Robbo on the commitment, "The commitment has never been stronger from the players. Right now we have turned a corner and it's a huge relief. But our kicking game was awful. We showed guts to end the run and perhaps we can take some confidence from this."

Vickery on breathing, "I'm not saying this is a start of a new era but it's a start, a chance for us all to breathe, work as a squad, and aim to win the series with S.A. 2-0. That's how winning runs begin." - Well, is it a start or not?

Yippee

Dewi Morris on the whole shenanigan, "His team gave guts, desire and determination against the Boks. But they failed utterly to give us a performance or even a hint at what system they are supposed to be employing."

You may have noticed cf has no input, no ramblings, no flow - he's fucked!

John Smit on changing rooms, "The changing room was a disgusting place to be."

Jake White on trying to save his arse, "We probably lost it more than we were beaten and I can only put that down to a lot of inexperienced players."

I am a robot, I am a robot. My brain isn't working. Let's move onto Ireland. Ok. And again this snippet of wisdom comes from that Englishman with a weird Welsh name, Dewi Morris, take it away Dewi; "Had the weather been fine in Dublin as it was over Twickenham. Ireland would've put 50 points on the Wallabies. Ireland are the best in Europe - just ahead of France."

He then went on about, ‘movement, cohesion, ball-retention, switching play at pace, passing in front of the man, murderous hits and magical finishes.' - And not a Leprauchan in sight.

Quite simply the Wallabies were stuffed, and to a degree were all tour. If England haven't fired since Jonno left, the Aussies certainly haven't been to too many victory party's since their hinch-pin Eales was around.

The French fared better last week against the All Black's, but the paper Le Parisian still isn't happy, it said, "A miracle didn't happen. A week after the insult of Lyon, the same All Black superiority was still evident. Little optimism could be gained ahead of the world cup."

Wales take on the Black's this weekend. Shane Williams says, "Of course we can beat New Zealand." - And of course, they won't.

In the league GBR got whacked by Australia 33-10. Can any one tell me why they still have scrums and insist on differentiating players into forwards and backs? It's almost like saying the game's got structure!

If you could just..

Ok cricket, what's new pussy cat? Freddie said in the week that he half knew what he was going to say for his team talk, but insisted his team needed no motivating. At stumps on day 1 the Aussies are 346-3 with Punter on 137 and Hussy on 63 - perhaps now is the time for some motivation Fred.

During the build up to this, absolute, whopper of a sporting event many a back room boy have been dishing out their tuppence worth of advice. Steve Waugh, who, respectfully, is not a ‘back-room' boy has been constant in giving his opinion, he said, "Warne should stop engaging pleasantries with Pieterson on the field." - Hopefully, and I think he did, hopefully Warney told him to fuck off. How do you tell the best spinner in the world, one that took 40 wickets in the last Ashes, how to play his game, and who he can and how he can talk to someone?

Punter gave his thoughts, "I think in the 2005 Ashes series, the sportsmanship, right through was first class. The intensity and rivalry will be there in this series and it will be tough Test cricket, but there will be none of that other stuff going on." - Other stuff...stuff?

What is it?

KP remarked on the heckling so far, he said, "So far all we've heard is abuse. They don't seem to know how to be witty."

He goes on, "The Aussies know the pressure is on. They know the Barmy Army will working on their Dad's Army songbook! ‘Who do you think you are kidding Mr. McGrath!' Now a nice rendition of that will make me smile." - All of us mate.

Well Duncan did it didn't he, he went for Ashley, for old name's sake. David Lloyd equated it to like playing one striker up front in football. In a game away from home, where you will defend all day and just hope he might nick one. - Bloody right too Dave.

Hello Im David Lloyd

Well, whether we see Vaughany or not, we still hear from him. He's right when he says the biggest obstacle is coping with the pressure of the Ashes, especially in Australia. He said a team wins a series, no individual, and was quick to point out his very good spell with the bat Down Under a couple of years ago and how they still went on to lose 4-1. Note; no batsman in the current England side has batted against the Aussies in Aus before...or hang on...has Colly?

Vaughan summed up with some leathery pearls of cricket wisdom, he said, "You have to win crucial hours, take your opportunities, get a good total, make use of the time when the ball swings around, take catches - and have that vital bit of luck."

For more Ashes banter click on the black writing under the blue Ashes icon - see how sledging was invented.

In other stuff from across the globe I literally only have a couple of stories, it's been a tough day. But don't forget there's heaps of other stuffffff on the site - go, tickle yourself pink.

And coming soon; cf's very own Durban's Bread. Help cf get over 10,000 hits on this site by Christmas, it's currently over 8000, and free pages of his hilariously bemusing book will swish across your very eyes - on this site only - when he gets around to it he'll publish it and sell it, then you can read the whole bloody thing, instead of just the swishy bits! Book yourself a poolside holiday and read a crap book - I'm rambling aren't I...stop...nurse...no, not there...argh, yep that's it, right there...oooh.

DURBAN'S BREAD

(Coming soon)

Pensioner Terry Flynn 72 plummeted 100ft down a cliff in his car then just walked away...walked away I said. Oddly it was his stepson Stephen White, who found him; he just happened to be walking along. Well it was on the Isle of Wight, everyone's related to each other there. Apparently Terry swerved to avoid a fox or a rabbit, Stephen said, "If it was a cat it would be down to 8 lives." - What's new pussy cat?

One of those days

Another falling story was the 35ft tree that fell on to Oscar Henriques house in Devon, England. The tree toppled over in strong winds and crashed just feet away from Oscar's head at 3.am. He said, "I did hear a noise but I thought it might be an earth tremor so I went back to sleep." He only woke up again when police constantly rang his phone to tell him that a tree was on his house. What is it with these old folk eh?

Timber you say?

Over to the young folk; and first born's, to mums under 25 are twice as likely to live to 100 than any siblings. Boff from Chicago University said, "..." Err, no sorry, I can't bring you what they said, because I can't read my writing, apart from, ‘so we don't know then!' - Well there you have it we don't know.

I do know that Frank Hubner invented the ALR - automated lip-reader. With it he's been studying what Hitler had to say, which before was unrecognisable...but now with Frank's da da da da da da daaaa...ALR we know he said to his missus, Eva Braun, "You talk about a dress that doesn't fit - imagine my problems." - Exactly

Read my lips

Three Englishmen dressed as Robin Hood type people waltzed into Washington Square Park, US of A with a megaphone and said to a gathered crowd, "What you are about to see will amaze you. We are mad Englishmen." They then proceeded to throw $1000 in the air. Their point, they just said it was good to ‘give back - it's good to give.' The silly arse do-gooders caused a mini riot as folk punched kicked and throttled to get their hands on the loot. 6ft 6 Little John said, "There's a real lack of courtesy in this world." Sally Carabello who was in the crowd said, I got a nasty little scrape and my butt hurts from getting pushed down." - Ugh, ugh, butt, ugh...ugh, she said butt...ugh.

Some things are not always how you see them

Ok, Bill Clinton has commissioned Ronnie Wood to paint a portrait of him to go in his library in Little Rock Arkansas - pronounced Arkansas! - Move on, move on.

Ok lastly let's hear from Pamela Anderson, "When I go to Hollywood, I start at the Chateau Marmont and then I usually end up naked in David La Chapelle's studio taking crazy pictures. That's a usual night for me, 4 or 5 in the morning lying across a car in David's studio." - Lucky David...and car is all I say.