17th - 23rd June 2011 v437
June, 22nd 2011 19:54 PM

“When the garden flowers baby are dead yes

And your mind is full of red”

(Janis Joplin)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

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Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 23.6.11                                           

For Elements of: 102 Military Working Dog Support Unit

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

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Sex on the rocks

New breeds of love-makers who take their carnal knowledge back to its roots are called Ecosexuals.

 

Finding someone to love these days may no longer be a problem because ecosexuals make love to nature; as hundreds found out at a three day Ecosex Symposium in California this week.

 

Organised by art professor Elizabeth Stapleton from the University of California in Santa Cruz and her partner, former porn actress-turned-sexologist Annie Sprinkle PhD, they conducted the course for prospective nature lovers.

 

Both ladies are highly qualified in this field and took part in a group ceremony back in 2008 where 400 participants married the earth. Elizabeth and Annie have since married the moon, the Appalachian Mountains, snow in Ottawa and are off to Spain this summer to marry some coal in the city of Gijan.

 

Their recent symposium comprised of projects including, a dance piece about conflict, genocide and olive trees in the Middle East, plus a lecture by former porn actress Sharon Mitchell on the ecstasy of gardening, which culminated in a discussion with porn actress/ artist Madison Young on how the adult industry can become more ‘green’.

 

Madison’s conclusion was to suggest improved ‘porn plots’, ‘such as having handy men that are installing solar panels on an energy efficient house to replace the stereotypical pizza boy’.


Tuning into love

In Zurich, producer Oliver Scotoni has created a radio porn station in the effort to encourage more people to make love.

 

Aired from midnight to 5a.m. Oliver explains, ‘There are no pictures - selected acoustics taken from the screen will inspire the audience, this can then be tuned into like any other radio station and it gives a nice energy to the city.’

 

Meanwhile shoppers in Dresden were treated to porn on a big screen usually devoted to special offers and departing tram times.

 

Store managers had no idea how to turn off the hacker’s explicit interruption until one of the staff eventually climbed up on a table and pulled the plug.

 

One customer said, ‘It’s normally pretty dull but this was a bit more exciting than a late train turning up.’

 

Another customer complained that this type of thing was typical after she had been waiting all afternoon then three came at once.


 

If you go down to the woods today

A couple believed to be having kinky sex in the woods in England were disrupted when passers-by thought they witnessed a crime.

 

Two shoppers took a short cut home after visiting their local supermarket when they saw a naked woman tied to a tree in woods Wokingham, Berkshire; a man was also seen lurking in the distance.

 

They called the police and ten squad cars promptly turned up. However, no trace of the woman could be found and it is believed the couple ran away.

 

Bird watchers have since flooded the area in hope of capturing the rare, lesser-spotted Gonad Pecker.


I’ve got a plan…

In a bid to woo a woman in Poland, Jan Rudnicki 40, rode his horse bare-chested through divorcee Gosia Domoslauska’s house in Jarnoltouka and tried to scoop her off her feet.

 

Alas Gosia was not impressed and called the police saying he was a ‘loon’, adding, ‘if this was supposed to win my heart he must be seriously off his rocker.’

 

The police thought so too and arrested him for breaking an entry and causing criminal damage, which he had to pay for.

 

Jan conjured the brash plan over a few beers with his pals and was convinced it was how Vladimir Putin had saved Russia.

 

Meanwhile, 38 year Sean Murphy from Doncaster, UK found himself under similar charges following a few drinks, when an aggravated wart on his finger led him to shoot it off with a 12 bore shotgun.

 

Police sped to the scene thinking there had been a serious crime and after realising it was a waste of time arrested him for illegal possession of a fire arm

 

Sean, grateful a potential 15 year sentence was reduced to a 16 week suspended sentence said, ‘The best thing is that the wart has gone, it was giving me a lot of trouble.’

 

A police spokesman said, ‘However, it will always be a blemish on his record.’


 

A gnome like figure in Argentina is terrorising young boys and old men to such an extent that the town of Sancho Corral is in a state of alarm.

 

Described as having pointy ears and hat he is known as the Dwarf or Short-Eared One. He first attacked a 14 year-old boy as he took a short cut home through a dark area behind a school.

 

Numerous other attacks have been reported with the most serious on a cyclist, whom he shouted at, ‘You shall not pass through here’ before he was dragged off his bike and hit repeatedly until he fell unconscious.

 

Police are looking for anyone who has anything remotely amusing to say about this bizarre story.

No anchovies!

A group of bikers are on a quest to deliver pizza to the world’s highest mountain pass at Marsinek La in the Himalayas.

 

 Paul Osbourne of the Extreme Trifle group will lead the group 18000ft up the Indian/ Pakistan border in Kashmir on their 40 year-old Royal Enfield bikes to deliver pizza to the Indian army.

 

They will be filmed for their spoof series Wrong Way Round; however, Paul is not banking on his chances, if past form is anything to go by.

 

‘The first trip was from London to Siberia, except we fell a bit short – about 10,000km’s too short – after we got arrested and had our bikes stolen for entering Transnistra illegally.

 

He’ll probably find Australia’s anchorman, Karl Stefanovic from Today TV there still trying to explain his joke he recently told the Dalai Lama in an interview; about how the Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and asks, ‘Can you make me one with everything’


(Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘I don’t know any songs about pizza’s except Dean Martin’s, ‘That’s Amore’, and bar rambling on about food looking for a link that isn’t there, such as the Mexican town of Real del Monte who are celebrating their Cornish Pasty three day food festival on account of the Cornish minors who went there in 1824 to extract silver and the town fell in love with their fayre, I’ll stick to good ole wine drinking Dean and take a slice of-a-his-a-piece-a-pie – incidentally and according to Wikipedea, Dean was chums with blokes called, Jimmy the Greek, Tony ‘Joe Batters’ Accardo, Anthony ‘The Animal’ Fiato and ‘Handsome Johnny’ Roselli – who if you look very teniously, all have some connection with food.

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘Battered fish, avocados, animal fat and rice with peas.’ The voices.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

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Next event to be posted ASAP…

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Animal news


*The British Anglers Society has banned white bread as bait because it’s unhealthy for the fish. This follows the move to stop feeding ducks white bread on account of them getting too fat.

 

*Russian Scientist Natalia Avseenko swam with Arctic beluga whales naked in a bid to calm them before they were shipped to an aquarium in Russia. She stayed underwater with the whales for 10 minutes in the icy cold water of 1.5ºC saying meditation from a background of Yoga helped.

 

*Airport geese in the US are to be shipped to Pennsylvania where they will be chopped up and fed to the poor. The poor will then be copped up and made into putty to fill the cracks that appeared over years of tourists clambering over the four lions surrounding Nelson’s Column in London’s Trafalgar Square. Wear and tear has reduced some parts to only 0.2 inches thick – three times thinner than most other parts. Without jumping into the numbers game; these beasts will cost £180k to repair or roughly £10k for a bloke to walk around with a whistle, but that would only last 18 years before they’d have to start the whole process again. - The lions were cast from the King of Sardinia’s dead lion 144 years ago – and at 20ft long by 11ft tall - that’s one big lion

 

*North Western Energy electrical worker in Montana said he hadn’t seen anything like what he saw this week, which was a bald eagle dropping a baby fawn on a power cable causing a blackout for half hour – he said, “I haven’t seen anything like it before.’

 

*And a Jewish court has ordered the stoning of a stray dog because it is believed to be the spirit of an unruly ex lawyer who peeved off the courts of the Mea Shearim area in Jerusalem 20 years ago.

 


Number crunching

 

*Four days before Crystal Harris 25 was to marry Hugh Hefner 85 she called it off after wind broke through (probably Hugh) of her plans to jilt him at the alter, which was going to be screened by a reality TV programme and net her £300k.

 

*Belgian, Kimberly Vlaminck 20 who lied about her 56 stars tattooed on her face, saying she fell asleep, is to spend £9k on laser treatment to remove them.

 

*Homeless man Max Melitzer was tracked down by a PI in Salt lake City, Utah and awarded an undisclosed fortune after his brother died of cancer. Investigator David Lundberg told him sitting on a bench on Pioneer Park and said, ‘He’s a real mellow guy in his 60’s, very sweet and more articulate than I thought for a man in his position.’ – Repeatedly shouting ‘Holy f**k’ isn’t exactly Martin Luther King but at least it’s comprehendible.

 

*The skinny dipping world record was smashed on a beach in Rhissili Wales this week with 400 participants. The nude bathers took to the icy waters just before 8a.m. and raised £5k for the Marie Curie Cancer fund and the National Trust. Lucy White 25 said, ‘I flew in from Australia to take part – what was I thinking?’

 

*Norwegian TV channel NRK2 says its most boring show ever screened has attracted one of its biggest ratings. The show follows a cruise ship from Bergen to Kirkness by 11 fixed cameras capturing every 8, 043 minutes on film, which is then painstakingly beamed to the TV sets – mile after agonising mile. Yet 1.3 million viewers out of the country’s 4.9million population tune in and are captivated by its tranquil commentary. Rue Moeklebust, the man behind it says, ‘It’s slow, it is very slow.’ – But then look at golf.

 

*Russian Vsevelod Khudyokov smashed the Laguna Phuket International Marathon record last week by nearly 6 minutes in a time of 02.33.51. To make the 4.30 start and afraid he might get lost Vsevelod slept on the beach.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

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