Crazy Fool's Newsround - 17th - 23rd April 09 volume 326

17th - 23rd April 09 volume 326
April, 23rd 2009 10:24 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

Plus the radio show – look it’s up there, look – top left

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: 23^rd April 1616. In a carriage on the outskirts of Stratford-Upon-Avon. John and Catherine Marlowe and Sir Walter Raleigh are henceforthing on God’s good speed to the breaking news of John and Mary Shakespeare’s son, Bill’s, death.

John: Fine, glorious day for a boy to be born and die, don’t you say, what! - On St. Georges Day none other. Can’t understand why we don’t celebrate it anymore. Damned namby-pamby do-gooders think it’ll upset the Irish’s monopoly on getting pissed no doubt

Catherine: Quite so dear, why; even America’s, Australia’s and Waikato Day are bigger than ours and those countries haven’t even been invented yet.

John: Quite dear. Quite. Still Bill’s gone and for a farmer’s son he had a good innings. He had a strong name, a name of virtue, a name that will cast a melodic shadow on the future.

Catherine: Like Hank dear?

John: Not that kind of shadow dear. No, something that will give the world credence, is that clear, do you think so Walter?

Sir Walter: Absolutely old chap. I was just thinking; what a great patriotic revival is needed. Someone born and dies on that date needs to be remembered. He shall be credited with your son’s work, that should do it…what was his name again?

John Marlowe: err, Christopher…

Sir Walter: Yes, whoever. I’ll tell the queen right away. – ‘William Shakespeare; Playwright, Poet, Actor…’

great names will never die

Narrator: And so poor Christopher was left in the dark as a bad moon was arising!

1. Where was Christopher Marlowe stabbed?

2. Which famous survey started in 1086?

3. What was Roger’s wife called in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

4. What nationality was Casanova?

5. What was Al Jolson’s most famous line?

6. If a substance is oleaginous what does it mainly contain?

7. What did the Owl and the Pussycat dine on?

8. If you were 10 fathoms under the sea, how deep would you be? A) 60 feet B) 60 yards C) 600 yards

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Like a bat out of the belfry the ‘cule swooped down on this thespian’s CV with a methodical unhinging for the truth then picked his nose, scratched his bum and came up with Leonardo de Crap, which of course was correct to this clue: Clue No.1: “A hip Romeo in my time I’ve developed into something far more sinister on screen.” – So, onwards and onwards to a brand new clue for a brand new WAI?: “Oh, I certainly had a name alright, it’s just me that’s missing.”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 15 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those who are ‘out there’ - ha ha, cos we’re in here:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1

Casualty: zip

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

The Chinese just put a man in space. They didn’t use a rocket. They stood on each others shoulders and passed him up.

Al Murray (The Pub Landlord)

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME EGYPTIANS DIETIES

Ra…sun

Khepera…rising sun

Nut…sky, heaven

Geb…earth

Hathor…love, joy

Seth…night, evil, turmoil

Horas…light, all-seeing

Min…fertility

Osiris…life, underworld

Anubis…lost, dead

Sekhmet…wrath, might

fool’s Gold

The chance of a woman having twins has doubled since World War Two

According to the World Health Organisation, there are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day

“Cabbaged” and “fabaceae” are the longest words that can be played on a musical instrument

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

This week’s word is AGERASIA. This refers the state of looking younger than one actually is. It's interesting that the word ASIA is found within the word itself as Asians often (to westerners) are thought to be younger than they actually are. However in the case of Dracule, the use of the word AGERASIA is misunderstood. When discussing his former girlfriends, the word is completely taken out of context.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Incompetent flyers. Yep, idiots who somehow earn money to enable themselves to fly yet have absolutely no idea how to locate their seat once on the thing. ‘It’s not difficult. It’s just like riding a clapped out old bus, you peasant’ They’ve even circled it for you and drawn a picture of a seat. They’re cardinal numbers, not Roman, ancient Greek, Babylonian, Hindu or even ض. And the accompanying letter isn’t in geometric shapes, not even ancient Hebrew, Mayan or Sand script – it’s blinking well modern English you daft thicky type – modern English, just like the copy of Newsweek you’re going to pretend to read. Look here; ‘Window-J, aisle-H, - middle row-D, E, F, G, then on the other side, where the trolly dolly didn’t send you, are three other seats clearly labelled A, B, C – And for Christ’s sake, loud bloke with a party of netball players from China do you have to shout, try to organise everyone, apologise a thousand times for being a doughnut, when it’s as clear as day you haven’t got a clue how to read a ticket, which really isn’t that difficult – sit down in your seat, just like the girls have already done and shut the fuck up – Incompetent flyers - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Watering the garden with your thumb over the end of the hose-pipe, jettisoning a controlled spray over natures hair - harghhh

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #110 (which is really one of the original 9 – can you guess which one it is – is it one of your favourites?)

This is a plane:

And now this bit:

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Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; sends his apologies but is crook this week, but I think I just heard him shout, ‘go the Saints’

*Trigger: is looking after the Digger

*cf's radio show: - OUT NOW– new and improved, with all the buttons – the pause, the play and slidy bit that gets you where you want to be…almost – This is the long forgotten Christmas show , but nay fear for the Easter edition will be out soon too!

*Tit-bits – .../...Koos was walking…/…Italian women are tough…/…Birthday reminder…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – give it a whirl, there maybe something you like – click on the Grub-up icon on the left to see what can be delivered to your door.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one. – Ode to a Pie coming soon…

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and may The Dog be with you! – fishman informs the fool the next catch is almost ready and should be on our shelves soon

* Classifieds – Some top deals on furniture this week – check out what’s on offer.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…yep, that’s it, St. Joseph’s church hall…ugh-ha - 20p a ticket…as much fizzy pop as you want, yes, yes…leave your bikes round the back…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – the lazy git! They’re wind free too (almost)

oh my pie

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full menu in Grub-up!

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

The Super 14’s have got themselves all in a pickle, as it’s anyone’s game right now, although the Chief’s edging their bets out in front. The Top 14 and Guinness Premiership are scrapping for their play-off positions, and New Zealand seem to think they’ve re-invented the wheel – bless em.

Also: The Lions are coming…going, and I don’t believe there’s any ELV griping this week – will have to make something up.

Might treat you to a half-way pint this week, as it’s a little long - But first this:

Super 14’s

The Stormers got stuck into the Hurricanes for all of about 10 minutes then petered out like a passing dust cloud. Their best move of the day was ignored by Luke Watson who sent the ball back inside to his forwards, forgetting about a two man overlap. The Hurricanes wrapped the game up 34-11; getting around the park better and hitting the rucks better. The Yellows first try came from a David Smith line break, inside ball to Alby Mathewson and out to Jeremy Thrush to score. Next was another Smith blindside break, back into open play for Tamati Ellison to take the five. The last was a bit fortuitous as Grant chipped ahead, the bounce fell kindly for Jane who stepped through a couple of tackles and fed a marauding Nonu.

The Brumbies gave credit to Mackay and out determined the Bulls 32-31. Mitchell Chapman touched down first for the Brumbies with a swift return from a 60metre burn from Habana, who incidentally showed a slack pair of heels as he was caught by Fanifo but handed off. Peter Kimlin bundled himself over from a 5 metre lineout and the din-dong battle pursued with Zane Kirchner getting one back for the Bulls. If that wasn’t enough Stephen Hoiles picked up a loose pass broke the tackle and scored out wide ending the first half! The second half was slow with a Brumbie kick and pin down option, that didn’t work. Steyn evaded a tackle fed Wynard Olivier, who seems to score every game, and Spies thought he had the match winner moments later, but was foiled by a last minute surge by Lealiifano who made his way through a throng of defenders to score under the posts.

In an all New Zealand encounter between the Blues and Highlanders a show of how the ELV’s are meant to played were on display; free kicks were taken quickly, with good angles and plenty of support. The Blues won comfortably 26-6 and got their first in 30 seconds after Rudi Wulf ran a good angle off Gopparth and gave it to Isasia Toeava to score. A later further 9 phases saw Gopparth himself dive over the ruck for a try then Cowan had enough of him and late tackled him with no arms and got sent off. Another bloke called Joe finished off the scoring.

The Reds went down to the Lions 20-31 in their worst display ever. It even prompted coach Phil Mooney to spit, “I do not know what to say…we were disgusting out there.” The Reds played all the rugby but didn’t know what to do with it in the end, whereas the Lions defended and bided their time. Two tries each were exchanged and a drop ball from Cooper gave Willie Wepener the chance to gather from 65m’s and feed Henno Mentz his third try of the day. If you’ve got Quade in your fantasy don’t pick him, he’s having a bad run.

The Chiefs beat the Cheetahs 28-10 through dominance in possession and territory, and being an incredibly fit side. Donald seems to be having fun with Bruce and Kahui outside him, but it was replacement hooker Elliott who sold a dummy and couldn’t believe his luck as the space opened up for him to score that stole the show. Nokwe and Delaney touched down for the Cheetahs and Lilo received well worked ball from Latimer to seal the game on 68^th minute. Keep your eyes on Dwayne Sweeny; he’s a 10 Guv a day man.

The Sharks went down again, this time to the Crusaders; 10-13, which effectively leaves the table wide, open. It was a full on biff-baff physical affair, where it has to be said the visitors copped most of it. Steven Sykes broke two tackles for the first try but off a lineout in the centre of the park Kieran Reid ran the second phase ball and found Scott Waldrom who scored out wide. McCaw was back and McCaw was excellent.

Lastly the Tah’s delivered up yet another bore-fest dipping out to the Force, the mighty Force, 14-15. That’s the Force’s home side’s grand slam and it really puts the Aussie teams in an uphill battle to reach the semis. Bar one Lotte run the Tah’s looked totally devoid of running rugby – yet again. Shepherd polished off a Josh Valentine kick against his old team and in a late surge tit-for-tat Lachie Turner (Overdrive) put Caldwell away for the lead only to find Git ship it to O’Connor and onto Staniforth to take the winner.

Top 14:

Round23: Biarritz srummaged well to beat Perpignan 12-10 however the losing point see’s the Perp’s in the play-offs/ Mont-de-Marsan took Castres 21-15 with a great try starting in the 22 and finished by Dominic Clerc/ Stade Francais needed their 24-15 win over Montpellier for a chance in the semi’s/ Bayonne demolished Bourgoin 61-10 and look comfortable for Europe next year – Same Gerber got three there/ Clermont took care of Brive 52-7 with six of the best- Napoliani Nalaga got two and set two up for Russell and Malzieu, Flock got the other two/ Toulon had a huge win over Toulouse 14-6 despite all the big guns turning out for Toulouse. Jerry Collins absolutely smashed Kelleher and the southern French outfit’s loss of bonus point puts Perpignan on top/ Lastly, Montauban went down to Dax, and as the Pie Activist from Down the Pub keeps asking, ‘Where is Dax?”

Guinness Premiership:

Bath came back from 14-0 to beat Newcastle 15-14 with tries from Claassans and Shontayne/ Northampton Saints had to hold on by the skin of their Pearlies to beat L. Irish 21-17/ Leicester Tigers secured an 80^th minute penalty to convince Sarries they were better – 16-13 – the best try coming from 10 phases and 27 pairs of hands saw Hamilton Leonelli finish it for the Tigers. That was also the end of an era for Sarries as the South Africanisation takes over/ Wasps doubled Bristol’s points 36-18 with the Cip notching 16 points, one try. Shaun Edwards expressed, “Danny is a real running threat – a special player.” – In the Lions? No./ And Sale confirmed their spot in the HC next year by dumping Quins 28-6, although the London outfit seem set for this year’s GP play-offs

Some Shorts:

Cardiff Blues smashed Gloucester in the EDF cup final 52-12, where the Blues were on form the Cherry and Whites hopeless, which has brought up the notion of them choking, seen as the last four times they’ve been to Twickenham they’ve lost. Coach Dean Ryan said they haven’t got the squad for it. Tindall said nonsense, it won’t happen again. On Tuesday they lost to Worcester in the GP 13-6.

Toulon have upped the anti for Sgt. Wilko and new boss Philippe Saint-Andre says, “Jonny’s people are in talks with the Toulon management.” – Fuck me, his dick would have fallen off by then, it’s about the only thing that hasn’t – just sign him up…now.

New Zealand have proved themselves to beyond ‘Back to the Future’ again by doing what everyone else has yet claiming they’re the first…again; they’re going to let the Argies play in Kiwi-land and their players play overseas. NZRPA chief Rob Nichol said, “We would even add a step further and calling NZ players to play for overseas Super rugby teams and still be eligible for the All Blacks. We have consistently said that if we continue to use the All Black’s jersey alone to stop our players leaving for overseas we will lose that battle and become another Argentina or Specific Island.” – You already are!

John O’Neil is still the biggest tit in the world but at least he’s conceded to pull out of the bidding for the 2015 World Cup. A small matter of £96m required put pay to that.

And will Mike Brewer get the Scotland job?

British & Irish Lions tour to MB-land:

Ian McGeechan: “The Lions are special; they are unique and cannot be compared with anything else in world sport.

“The fact South Africa are world champions, just as they were in ’97, makes it an ultra-special tour. The Tests will be like three World Cup finals on successive Saturdays, an incomparable challenge.”

Jim Telfer says ‘Geech’ is the man; “Above all there’s the honesty that shines through. There’s no crap.”

Although it was pretty crap leaving out Delon Armitage – as Dick Best said, “Well, you’ve got to have a coloured boy in there somewhere.” – Not that that makes him good of course, he just is good, and got better and better during the Six Nations, he outweighed Kearney that’s for sure who basically deteriorated. Delon could be Jewish for all the fool cared…

Narrator: drag him quick

I’m done.

Some competitions: - WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

More Free T-shirt’s: send in your starting Lions team - if it has 8 names the same as fool’s – you win! One lucky winner so far – well done Mr. B. Patterson from Sarf East London.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Flower’s blooming, IPL in MB-land and cricket in Dubai – it’s all happening.

Vaughan’s still getting his penny’s worth in the press and states Levi is the man to take England forward; “He will be a great captain, with consistency, stability and maturity.” But he also states, “You have to be careful because Andy Flower has just come in as a full time coach and the Ashes are less than three months away.” – So what is he saying – don’t put all your bunch of grapes in one bastard!

Tony Grieg’s still finishing his sentence from last January, “…if I were the ECB I would write into the coaches contract, a clause stating that should the captain change, it will be the prerogative of the new captain, in consultation with the ECB, to review his position.” – Well, you’re not the ECB’s, not even a bit of it, so go and find your keys.

However, Warney agrees; “At international level the ‘coach’ shouldn’t be coaching – players don’t need to hear about high left elbows and all that rubbish.” – Although he does stand by Flower saying he was a top player that has the world’s admiration, and indeed does have a lovely left elbow. Have you seen the fool’s hands?

In the world of the two highest paid IPL players; Fred’s Chennai Super Kings filter tipped got the upper hand over Bloke Down the Pub’s & KP’s Bangalore Royal Challengers by 92 runs.

Hayden hit 65 off 35 balls as the Ciggies notched 179. Freddie chipped in with 22* off 13, bowled 1-11 and took two catches. KP took a wicket but was out for a duck, which is a bad time to go for one when you’re in bat.

The Ciggies lost the first to the Mumbai Indians, whilst Bangalore beat the Rajasthan Royals. Gilly’s and fool’s Deccan Chargers on the other hand smashed Kolkata Knight Riders by 8 wickets with Singh, Styris, Fidel and Ojha doing the stuff with the ball. Gilly said, “It was pleasing small steps, but yeah, we’re under way.”

The fool’s Deccan Chargers then went on to beat ‘Blokes’ Bangors by 24 runs with Gilly hitting 71 off 45. KP finally got him out. He went on to hit 11, which I think was the top score? After he said, “It’s just the first 6 overs we need to start nailing. As soon as we do that we’ll be back.” – Could be saying that for a while.

Over in Dubai, Pakistan took care of Australia in their first ODI of five, with Shahid Afridi getting 6-38. The Aussies registered 168 while the Paki’s whittled that down in 44.1 overs. Next one on Friday.

That’s it.

backstop code

Other sports:

Sebastian Vettel won the Chinese GP in the rain. The Ham came sixth and I’m just wondering if he’s been hanging out with the Bongo Massif Bro’s; “Finishing higher than fifth was not possible today and I’m very pleased to get four solid points without making a single mistake – despite some massive moments.”

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Ex porn star Lidijia Sinjerga 41 from Kastela, Croatia is to go into politics. The triple X ‘actress’ who opened her account in Holland in the 90’s will rally for causes such as Green issues and equal rights. That’s right Lid – more freestyle haystacks needed.

Meanwhile the ‘Botox bandits’ are still at large in America with clinics across the land fearful of being sucked in! The middle aged pair of wrinkly blondes last struck at the Luxe Medspa in Yorba Linda California and had £2.500 worth of treatment done using dodgy cheques. Owner Beth Hamy said, “The women didn’t give me a bad vibe and they weren’t anxious at all. You just never know.” – That’s right Beth. But at least the ‘Boob Bandit’ is in custody after handing herself in. A.K.A Yvonne Pamellene racked up £5k on a boob job with a stolen credit card, but was traced when the barcode on the ones removed from an earlier op were identified. – Boobs with barcodes – love it.

bar code

I’m not sure knobs have barcodes, but they should, as mad bastards in Jamaica are deliberately fracturing their boners in the latest sex craze. That’s right, fracturing them; it’s called ‘daggering’ – and it’s fast, rough how’s your father. A Dr. at the Kingston Public Hospital said, “During very rigorous intercourse the men hit the women’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.” – You have got to be kidding? – I thought that was just called prison.

Let’s just keep with sex for a minute, because granny, Sandra Smith 64 from Hunnington, West Midlands UK has been told to cover up three of her garden gnomes as they are naked and they upset the neighbour’s children. Two, 2ft buxom gals and one old fella have taken to wearing T-shirts after 15 years out in the cold. Sandra’s got 200 of the buggers scattered around her garden and the rest are all normal; you know, fishing, pushing a wheelbarrow, smoking a splif. The neighbour, who didn’t want to be identified said, “They’re childish and pathetic. They should not be in a garden with kids.” – He said wanking from behind the letterbox!

no place like gnome

Someone who is not a garden gnome, but could be is Jeryl Lyndoha from Meghalaya northern India. He’s 26 but is stuck inside the body of a two year old. At 2ft 9 and 22lb Jeryl has a full set of teeth. Paediatrician Dr. J. Ryndong said, “Jeryls unfathomable features are remarkable, and the only thing he share’s with an adult are his teeth. He is a genuine rarity.” – Experts said he’s got poor secretion of growth hormone in the piturity gland. fool says he’s a midget.

here I am

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! A typical live Beatles show lasted just 35 minutes owing to them not being able to hear themselves because of the screaming fans.

The centre of our galaxy, the Milky Way tastes of raspberries and smells of rum, that’s according to boffs that’ve been analysing the building blocks that account for the molecules of its life. Dr. Belloche based in Bonn Germany stuck up a 30m radio transmitter and pointed it towards Sagittarius B2 – a dust cloud way up there somewhere. He said, “We’ve identified around 50 molecules in our survey – and two of those have not been seen before.” – Do boffs, especially German ones, use the word ‘around’? Aren’t they supposed to be specific? Digger would also point out that he’s not necessarily German. Last year boffs concluded that space smelled of fried steak and welding – astronauts space suites wreaked of it.

well done please

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: No – have exhausted these

The most expensive suit in the world cost £70k and has just been bought by a mystery owner. It has 18 carat gold and pave set diamonds for buttons and qivuik wool blended with pashmina – that’s supposed to be quite posh. It all comes together with 5,000 individual stitches and designer Alexander Amosou said, “The suit is the ultimate in luxury – the best in the world.” – Rather have a suit that smelled of bacon.

A young lad of 13 robbed a bank with a gun in Peoria Illinois US and was later caught as he fled on foot and hid in a house. The red dye booby trapped bag made it easier to find him. Sheriff Michael McCoy said, “It’s the youngest person I can remember.” – No, surely, Jeryl’s younger than him. A-ha, ha, no he’s not!

Meanwhile at the other end of the scale; the Duke of Edinburgh is now the longest serving consort surpassing George III’s wife Queen Charlotte of 57 years and 70 days in 1818. Liz was 83 this week and Les Pugh raised £15k for charity by abseiling down a 160ft building in his tweed jacket and shirt and tie – he’s 93. – Well done Les.

betLes uses this

Ok, I reckon I’ve just about run out of room and time. Got heaps more stories but let’s slip those in the next radio show which is coming soon. So, let’s tell you about Catherine Cartwright who’s 47 and bangs like a barn door on a windy night – literally! Neighbours have registered 27complaints about her noisy sex sessions, which have been described as, ‘moaning, groaning, screaming and even slapping’. One neighbour said she even heard it through her sound proof walls, which I don’t know about you, but I would get the builder in there! Caroline from Sunderland UK was described by the magistrate as a ‘statutory nuisance’. Neighbour Rachael O’Conner taped one such session and said, “I heard sounds of a sexual nature – really loud. It came from both parties.” – Caroline who was fined £200 and £300 costs and given an Asbo for noise excess said, “I can’t understand why people ask me to be quiet. It’s normal to me.” – I must point out now that Caroline makes Susan Boyle look like Kylie. Man she ugly. Just wanted to get in the papers no doubt; tell the world she’s getting some. Ugly, ugly, ugly.