17th- 23rd August '07 V. 246
August, 23rd 2007 13:19 PM

 ttfor tum reason or tuther pics are not going to happen tonigh

 

That was the week weren’t it…

 

I noticed that when I first wrote teacher in the Floyd song upstairs I’d put an ‘l’ instead of a‘t’, and funnily enough it didn’t look out of place!

           

The scene: Rod Stewart is breaking up with Maggie May in a café on the outskirts Skipton–On–Sea’s caravan park – just by the roundabout where the council kids sniff glue.

 

Rod: You better pack your bags and go on back to school.

 

Maggie: Up yours big nose, I’m gonna be in a rock n roll band.

 

Narrator: And so Maggie left Rod and went on to become Angus the school rock child in ACDC and lived on a diet of mostly spinach and cabbage, whilst perfecting the hot step with an angry pout, all along denying that she ever was Alice Cooper’s reason for fame…and…and… ‘well, I can’t go on fool it’s just too beautiful, it’s all too beautiful, they’re in Itchity Park now aren’t they…’

 

Narrator 2: For the love of God…Quiz…roll the quiz…

 

And so super sniffers get your nose hairs round these:

 

1. In what year did Rod Stewart seduce Maggie May?

 

2. What did Robert the Bruce die of?

 

3. Maastricht airport is in which country?

 

4. Which element is found in shells, bines and teeth?

 

5. How many Arabian Nights were there? A) 21 B) 101 C) 1001?

 

6. Theophobia is a fear of what?

 

7. What colour are houses in Monopoly?

 

8. In which countries did the following dances originate? A) Bossa Nova B) Rumba C) Mazurka

 

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – Go on, treat yourself.

 

 WHO AM I? –  Agreed, it was a little clueless last week, as I didn’t know which date he started walking, but he still is if that helps!’

 

 

 

 

Now folks let’s hear it for…

 

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, live music, amazing food – what more do you want? – See what’s on in the classifieds.  Oh, hang on, here it is now…

 

Wednesday nights

@

Pacharan

 

Great music in the main bar

Half-price Sangria and Mojito all night long

Music starts 9pm

 

The only place to be Wednesdays in Saigon

 

 

One here????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy.

 

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: August’s meat tray is out and about – lamb shanks on offer here – get em while their on the bone – they’re lovely - check dem and more out in de classifieds.

 

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am.

 

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?

 

 

 

More, more, more and more in the *classifieds pages – something for the weekend?

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

 

*Digger & *Trigger share their run down on the AFL season – round 21 I would suspect, as last week we hit round 20 – no flies on the fool – except on a Sunday morning, when there’s lots of flies…on the fool…!

 

And the Trig fella will always show you the way to go as the Down Under gee gee’s saddle up for another run - always got a winner that fella.

 

*Tit-bits have a couple of tasty chortles for you – let’s get back to some good old traditional jokes shall we. *Grub – Up will try and serve the trout this week, which unfortunately wasn’t caught by the *Fishman although he does promise he’ll have something cooking in the next week or so.

*Bongo Massif Bro’s…I mean it.

 

Mr. Meaner…stay pissed off!

 

 

But now; what did happen in last week’s doormat insect?

 

Have you ever witnessed so many ‘friendly’ Internationals amongst the Northern hemisphere’s balmy August-al tones before? If rugby be the feasts for Gods then play on…too dramatic…bit cheesy like a South African ad? Too Gladiatorial? Nay matter a miff, because the big spleen arena is closing in on 8th September, which is coming soon…on 8th September!

 

But first, what happened last week…?

 

Another very different Brian Ashton’s England side did the same thing against another very confident French outfit for the second week in a row – they lost, this time 22-9. And they lost because they didn’t know how to win!

 

As Dally said, yes I know, it’s always Dally isn’t it…anyway, he said, “It was a reality check for everyone.” – Which is exactly right - It was a sheer slap across the chops with a French halibut. What were they thinking…bash, tackle, break, bash, tackle, break, all day – err, yes, I think so. Although it has to be fair said that the men in um red, do have a pretty healthy platform, it’s just the scoring bit that is posing problems right now.

 

The French are solid, safe, leech like, almost parasitical – they don’t do much wrong and always put it away – wey hey! That is of course if their No.8 Imanal Harionordoquy had passed instead of hogging the ball only to be tackled by a thumping Cueto, which caused the commentator, an Englishman, to almost go down on the pitch and shoot him himself, such was his anger at the Frenchman’s ‘pure greed.’

 

However their earlier try from Frederic Michalak’s inside ball to a beautifully timed run from Yannick Jauzion did show the English how scoring was down from the numbers 10-15.

 

Let’s not butter the fact that England’s best player Simon Shaw went in the sin bin for an accidental high tackle, which even the ref said was ‘accidental, but he had to go’, - that was at 9-3 and when he came back it was 19-6. No, that doesn’t hide the fact that England lacked the cutting edge, and as the Ash said, ‘Our lack of creativity is a concern.” – Lack of bacon is a concern!

 

Dally’s not worried though, he reckons, “What’s required from now is an extra 20-30% and reminding each other we are definitely good enough.” – I really love you man. Which reminds me, weirdly, of Corry’s rituals before a game, “I get to the ground, have an ice bath, get myself strapped, sink a Red Bull and run through the week’s preparations in my mind.” – That’s cf on a night out!

 

Ex No.9 Dewi Morris reckons it’s, “Time to break the English rugby law of ultra safety first and rebel.” – Catt will be back to do that. And when that fails Dewi will be back to tell them to keep it tight.

 

Ashton and the boys are still backing cf’s predictions from years back that, ‘they still might actually surprise one or two people when the tournament kicks off.’ – From 35-1 to 25-1…even professional English hater David Campese see’s the odds are a changing, “England have some exciting players. It is up to them to take the opportunities.” – If opportunity knocks on your door…

 

Ok Wales now, and they beat a disappointing No.5 ranked team in the world in Argentina 27-17. They didn’t do it in too much style and in fact I’m not sure if they even played at all in the second half, as their coach Gareth Jenkins agrees, “I didn’t think Argentina were in the game in the first half, but in the second half we lost the plot.”

 

21 year-old Alwuyn Jones was pleased to pass his 2nd year law exams and get a try and man of the match. And Hook sliced up a piece of magic from fly, but it was Jenkins who summed up the win, “We wanted two things today. We wanted a winning performance.” – He didn’t say the other!

 

He then took another swig and answered a question as to their credentials come September, slurring, “We back each other as a team and coaching staff. Anyone who tries to throw mud at us, don’t bother.” – Mud, the great leveller.

 

Ireland lost B.O.D with a fractured sinus – very Irish – against Bayonne last Thursday. He’ll be back for the second pool game

 

Scotland play South Africa this Saturday. They’re still brooding after going down in two Tests last June. Big Frank Hadden explains, “South Africa are second favourites to win the world cup but our boys are in a bullish mood and are determined to rectify the results of last year.” – As Jock bloke down the pub says that the boys have bulked up some, but I still find it difficult to imagine they’ll win – of fuck it – let’s go Scotland 21-18!!!

 

Wales see France where they will go down by 10 points and Ireland’s first team, on availability, will smash Italy on Sunday by 30.

 

Some shorts:

Laporte’s been busy bashing the Blacks again for ‘cheating’ by saying, “The All Blacks are superior to us, but it becomes an issue if the referee doesn’t whistle when they commit fouls.” – Yeah, been saying that all along, cheating bastards!

 

‘Knuckles’ Connolly has been bitching on Eddie again, “I hope Eddie helps South Africa the way he helped the Queensland Reds.” – He doesn’t like him does he.

 

Sailor on Lote after the Brisbane two case, “He is still a good bloke and we all make mistakes and I’m sure he will pay the Wallabies back at the world cup.” – If just one sportsman a week in Australia didn’t get arrested for something or other that would be a pay back!

 

Dally on Will Carling after he called him a ‘divisive player if not captain’, “I always thought that Will was a good bloke. I’m not sure now.” – Well he did shag Di.

 

Johnno’s best ever world XV next 4: 13. Philippe Sella 12. Dani Geber 10 Johnny Wilkinson 9. Gareth Edwards.

 

Results:

Spain 25-20 Chile – very

Italy 36-12 Japan – hai ya.

Canada 42 – 12 Portugal – where Port comes from.

Spain 18 – 10 Uruguay – You’re a what?

 

Ok, I think I’m done.

 

 

 

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket:

 

‘Accidents will happen, it’s always hit and run…’ – as Elvis, the not King, sang once. But was Tuesday’s ODI victory over India at the Rose Bowl an accident? A win by 104 runs with some stout bat n ball work – I think not.

 

Ok, we’ll not get the bugle’s out just yet, because the Indians…just didn’t look…didn’t look…look…warm, did they!

 

However, it was a batter’s turf and Cook and Bell managed to notch a pairing of 178 in 31 overs with a ton each to rack the order to 288-2 – Bell ended with 126* and get this he was England’s first No.3 to hit a century in an ODI for six years, since Nasser did it at Lords.

 

Anderson was on fire taking three with the new ball and one more later for extra. Helping him to the wickets were Oh Mascharenas, Broad, Fred and Monty, who incidentally describes the Fredster as an icon, “The calibre of his cricketing skills and personality in the dressing room makes him an icon for England. It makes him an icon in my eyes too.” – Oh Monty, Monty, Monty, what are we gonna do with you, you poor lovelorn Freddieiddler!

 

But Monty was also pleased he took a wicket this time and was not hit all over the place by MS Dhoni (Kebab) as in the last Test. He was also pleased that Matt Prior took a beaut catch, - that was also Dhoni I think, as it gloved and screamed off to the left.

 

Monty explains the trauma of catching, “I’ve dropped catches. Remember that one in Mumbai – I probably missed it by a couple of metres!” – Nope, can’t say I do, but I definitely don’t doubt you, nor do I want to hear any more from you, you crazy mad bearded man.

 

And so alas ends this week’s cricket.

 

Other sports:

 

Murray Walker started commentating on the Formula 1 in 1949! He doesn’t anymore, think he stopped in 2001, but he does think this year so far has been the best ever, and when asked about MaClarens problems with their driver’s feuds, he said, “Construction titles, the public couldn’t give a toss about it. When you’ve got two great drivers the public love it.” – Yeah thanks old man.

 

David Coulthard is 36, when he was a teenager – the jaw was the same size – but he had bulimia, he said, “In my mind the only way to keep my weight down was by making myself vomit.” – He’s won 13 GP’s and has the record for the highest points tally - the freaky skinny bastard.

 

Casey Stoner won the Czech MotoGP in front of 141,000 and clears the leader board by 60 points now. But have you noticed he’s always followed by a different rider in second position, last week was John Hopkins’ turn, who’s from California but has British parents – whoopee do!

 

And now it’s time for the world news: Bong, bong, bong

 

Jk Rowling is 42, not only that she has lots of money, she got all that money from writing children’s books, where she manipulated the market, naturally, then turned the books into down right horrors once she knew she had everyone hooked. She’s now been spotted in an Edinburgh café writing none other that a crime novel. How does the fool know? Because Ian Rankin, the famous Scottish crime novelist of the Inspector Rebus books had his wife follow her and said, “My wife spotted her writing her Edinburgh criminal detective novel.” – She must have had it written all over her face!

 

One in five wives between the ages of 35-44 wishes they’d married someone else. One in 12 wish they’d never married at all – what’s going on in the world? Oh, hang on, 58% are very happy, and one in five do plan to have more children. More wives have savings than single women…what, what, what…savings, old wives wishes…! Oh, this is from a bank, The Bradford and Bingley Bank, from a survey of 1,250 women. So be assured to know that if ever you need life assurance, assurance on anything in life, note what bank spokesman Paul Whitlock has to say, “Over 35’s need not despair as there is plenty of time for them to change their lives for the better.” – Thanks bank.

 

The Germans had board games in WWII called ‘Bomber Over England’ where a child could get the top prize of 100 points for bombing an English city. There were other games with U-boat commanders, parachutists and bizarrely one where you could attack Hitler. – That would cause a few paranoid winners I suspect…hmm yes, and I suspect YOU!

 

Savvy crook Nicki Jex 27 held up a bookies in Leicestershire, England with his girlfriends Rampant Rabbit vibrator and got away with £613. But a canny customer followed him to a nearby pub where he was heard boasting about it and turned him in – the judge gave him £500 reward. – I see something here…

 

Common colds can be linked to obesity. The gene in human adenovirus -36 promotes weight gain. Up to 30% of obese people carry the ad-36 virus compared to only 11% of skinny folk – alright, normal folk. Dr. Magdalena Pasarica from the Pennington Biomedical Research centre, Louisiana State University, Baton Rouge – waiting for a train! Said, “We’re not saying that a virus is the only cause of obesity, but this study provides stronger evidence that some obesity cases may involve viral infections.” – Doctors in England recently concluded that people are generally fat because they eat too much.

 

The T-rex could run 18mph it has just been discovered... Dr. Sellars of the University of Faculty of Life Sciences commented on previous thoughts of how a T-Rex could run, “Such calculations can accurately predict the top speed of a six tonne chicken but dinosaurs are not built like chickens and nor do they run like them.” – Some of our greatest minds are in the Dept of Faculty of Life Sciences – let’s hope they stay there!

 

Both Keef and Ronnie smoked whilst on stage in the UK – in the O2 Arena for a fact – a closed space. They know there’s a ban in enclosed areas, but did they get carted off? No! Keef just said with fag in mouth, “It’s been a long haul. It’s good to be back.” - As they kicked off their UK leg of their world tour. Meanwhile Ronnie puffed away whilst playing practically all night. All a spokesman could say was, ‘They’ve been asked not to make a repeat performance (of smoking) again and they have agreed to do so.’ – I think everyone should light up at once and see the smoke busters panic – anarchy in the UK everyone – all over the world in fact – no surrender - you’ll not take us without a smoke…

 

Official National Statistics in the UK suggest that 385,000 people up to the year 2006 immigrated, whilst 574,000 migrated to Britain. The total tally of heads in the UK rose 0.6% up to 60,587,000. And a quarter of babies born in the UK have a foreign mother or father. There’s also 6% more over 85’s.  What were those German board games again!

 

70 year old Giovanni Rossi is up against the judge for leaving his 90 year old mum in the car for hours whilst he went off dancing with her sexy carer in a disco in Terni, Italy. – Saucy bugger.

 

The British slug has increased to 15 billion due the recent wet weather. Reports have been made of up to 1000 in a square metre. The average is 61 up from last year’s 31 per metre, that’s the weight of 5000 double decker buses – if you take the UK to be 244,820million sq.m’s. Farmer, Jim Haskin from Truro in Cornwall said, “There are more slugs this year and they are bigger. They’ll attack anything and it’s out of control.” – God help us all, run for your life, start smoking, do anything.

 

Keith Johnson 55 pulled up his floorboards at home in Horndean Hants and found a newspaper with his picture in from 1964! – I don’t believe that load of old crap for one minute…next…

 

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.4: Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

 

Ok lastly, Dwarf Dan Blackner got his manhood, little, but still his manhood stuck in the end of a Hoover – stuck with glue not suction! He miss read the setting time after repairing a split, as you do, of 20 seconds, he thought it was 20 minutes. This is all part of his act where he pulls the Hoover along with hit bits in the Circus of Horrors in Edinburgh – perhaps he’ll get a part in JK’s book? – Anyway, Dan, The Demon Dwarf called his manager Dr. Haze and said, “It was too painful to free myself and I was terrified that if I pulled too hard I’d rip it off. The very thought left me in a cold sweat. Dr Haze said, “It was one of the most bizarre accidents I’ve ever seen – and I work with a freak show.” – Must have been embarrassing in the waiting room.

 

 

 

Get back on it…

 

just cf it

 

cf

 

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