Crazy Fool's Newsround - 16th - 22nd Oct 09 volume 351

16th - 22nd Oct 09 volume 351
October, 21st 2009 17:31 PM

“Blinded by the light

Rewed up like a deuce

Another runner in the night

Some silicone sister with a manager mister told me I got what it takes

She said, “I’ll turn you on sonny to something strong,

Play the song with the funky break””

(Manfred Man’s Earth Band)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Unexpected plays. A light plane is seen emerging from the clouds. Inside is Herve Villechaize (Tattoo). He’s listening to the radio.

Herve: Ha ha, aha, ha, ha. Who’s in de plane now eh boss, looky here boss, I’m in de plane – here comes de plane, and I’m-a init! (ejects the betamax tape of Tales of the Unexpected and slips on Hawaii Five-O) Hey, what’s this shit, where’s my tune, where’s my tune? (ejects tape – the radio plays)…. ‘Today a man was compensated after being interrogated for over ten hours at Army HQ last June. He was under suspicion of trying to disable and bring down an Apache helicopter after it swooped over his back garden and hovered no more than 10ft above the ground. Mr. Smith shone a torch light at it, which was described as a means of trying to blind the pilot…’ – Ha, bullshit. Fantasy ha, here we go…

(Mr. Roarke has announced for the bell to be rung and stands rigid in his gleaming white suit on the island’s turf)

Herve: Argh, Boss, my Boss…argh, what’s this? Move Boss, move… I’m blind, he’s like an apparition, he’s angelic, Boss, Boss, move away, …I cannot see…

(And is last seen heading straight for the waterfall)

Narrator: Will Tattoo live? Was it really Roald Dahl himself dancing in the silhouettes? And just how did the theme to Fantasy Island go? (Off mic, ‘fool, are you really going to continue with these absurd openings?’ ‘… just pick up the keys fatso and let’s get out of here…’)

1. What years did the series Fantasy Island run from?

2. Who was Spain’s first ever F1 World Champion?

3. What is a pickled gherkin made from?

4. What is affected by osteomyelitis?

5. What is the opposite of hibernation?

6. Which beacon was named after a 1930’s Minister for Transport UK?

7. A nectarine is the cross between which two fruits?

8. Fleegle, Bingo and Drooper are three of the Banana Splits. Who is the fourth? A) Dorky B) Korky C) Snorky

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Eager to spread the lead with offerings of Rattus Norvegicus were deemed null and void last week, as it was wrong, so hurriedly round two now climbs into this week’s scene: But first, a glance back at No.1 again…No.1, “Loosely a rat I was on the beaches when the Stranglers noticed me!” & No. 2, “I think I’m mentioned somewhere in this week’s quiz!”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 40 or 41 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets and LZ:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 + 1 bonus point)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and racist!

Frankie Boyle

*Non-descript trivia moment*

LAY vs MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Fast pulse…Tachycardia

Housemaid’s knee…Prepatellar bursitis

Squint…Strabismus

Bunions…Hallux valgas

That dent in the middle of the chest…Xiphisternum

fool’s Gold

Thirty people have drowned trying to attempt the same canoe journey as in the film Deliverence

A snowboarder stranded at night 5,000ft up a mountain in the French Alps was saved after flashing the light from his mobile phone at a rescue helicopter – police!

Older men who drink moderate amounts of alcohol are better at routine tasks such as walking and climbing than teetotallers scientists have discovered

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

People keep messing with my pens – yeah, that’s right, I’m pretty particular about my pens, I’m especially fastidious towards the easy flow, ballpoint, bironic type, especially the … I’ve just realised it doesn’t have a name – how cool is that, anyway, the pen with no name, which by years of evolution has acquired its (step) name from the forefather of stylos being of course the common Biro or perhaps even Bic, but let’s not get confused with shaving here or indeed the French. Heavens above, even the common quill, which in its Saxony roots, derived from the German word quiele, possesses plenty enough evidence of not being French, so you can keep your Bics to yourself. But lo, I’m acting on the cumbersome side of aloofness, no, aloof would not be justifiable to its cause, so let’s just canter to the chase and declare my wariness of the newer models which pertain to the gel fuelled fluidity that facilitates flow, glide, drib, drizzle and ultimately blot... yes, blot. Such models as the Emperor 0.7, the En-Gel K-35i, which, in their right offer great signature writing but to capture the speed of note taking without the blob form, and antonymously* and God forbid those scratch markings that are akin to the Bee 0.5. Then we most definitely need the easy flow ballpoint, black, to denote that slight but firm stroke of class. Closer up the market ladder of perfection are the Ener-gel Metal Tip 0.7 and the simplistic uni-ball Signo 0.7, which all incidentally come with the standard gel grip, yet, beware the wholly inadequate Bee 0.5 does have the slippery, grey hold, which is better off left to the French – but before we carry on (must we!) I must state that I’m not some Pauline freak from The League of Gentlemen* but am conscious of a decent nib with the perfect, but necessary stream to underline readability, yet written at a doctor’s pace. Three times this week people have either wandered off with my pens. One was even using it as it ran out, which is clearly my right, another was used for colouring and one just plainly mocked it, in front of people, the shame, yes, shame on you sir; it may have only been a inkjet 365 but it could write upside down – so move away from the pen…mate. People who keep messing with my pens - Bastards!

*see Pauline from The League of Gentlemen

* made up word

Things that are just Sweet Love:

I’ve been quite getting off doing official stuff this week, although I haven’t had the bloody write pen to do it!

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane, err helicopter:

Blinded by the light…

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: on the hoof

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Adam and Valerie

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…A world…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Ok, forget the rowing machine – House for rent; District 1 HCMC – contact the fool!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…tuning up as we speak …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

I’ll take a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

Published 22.10.09

For Fiji’s Sake

Hold on to your hurry-up, it’s the Heineken Cup:

Sale out botched the Cardiff Blues 27-26 despite late, too late, tries from the Welsh. / Perpignan found their form and the Saints didn’t. For once this season Geraighty was out shone, this time by Jerome Porical as the Perp’s hoisted the winning flag 29-13. / London Irish also came a cropper to a last minute penalty from the Scarlets 25-27. / Leinster fought hard in a true grit game at Brive and with tries from Kearney and McLaughlin sealed it 13-36. / Leicester on the other hand were not patronising when they said Viadana have a good set piece and kicking game, but still managed 7 tries killing it 46-11. / It was pretty much the same story at Trevisio where Munster shone 41-10. / A surprise lack of form helped Gloucester slump to a heavy defeat to Biarritz 42-15, with Takadzu Ngwenyu bagging a hat trick. / Quins squandered a half time lead of 14-0 as Toulouse came back with plenty of interest to finish up 23-19 ahead. / Edinburgh drove Ulster away 17-13. / Bath succumbed to another French comeback this time in the style of Stade Francais 29-27. / And lastly Ospreys snuffed Clermont 25-24, in a game where sparks of occasional colour and the sniff of the sporadic oomph produced a half time scoreline of 22-3. Each side ended up with three tries a piece through names like; Bowe, Jones and Davies and Baby, Domingo and Lapandry.

Guinness Premiership (HC)

The Top14 (HC)

Magners League (HC)

ANZ Cup

Auckland lauded it over Counties Manaku 37-14 and Counties fullback got all the points – for the Counties that is! / And Waikato took care of Northland 27-19 to help themselves into the play-off mix

Some shorts:

Zac Guidford’s sparkling form in the ANZ means he’s the tournaments top try scorer but he won’t get the chance to improve the tally, as he’s off to Tokyo and Europe with the All Blacks – blimey eh, there’s always something.

Tamati Ellison will keep him company as too will new recruits Mike Delaney and Ben Smith. There’s no room for the out of form Rockoko and Hosea Gear and Isaac Ross has been told to stay at home and get bigger.

Injuries are still the main talking point for all teams involved in the Autumn Tests, with England feeling the brunt of them with no less 13 on the Doctor’s table. The latest coming in the forms of Sheridan and Vickery who’ll both be out respectively for 3 & 4 months with shoulder and neck problems. Lee Mears was already out with a bad knee – that’s the whole front row.

ECCS captain, Wasps player and Lions veteran Simon Shaw is concerned about the amount of rugby being played and the rest period endorsed. Although players in Johnson’s squad can play no more than 32 games a season, he’s fearful of losing aged experience through injuries. He also mentioned the natural need and desire for power and strength, but has it gone too far? As he explains, “It should never be any player’s sole aim to bench press 180kg (more than 28st). Rugby should always be about running fast and scoring tries.”

Mortlock will miss the New Zealand and England games for Australia with a torn calf muscle after some excruciating calf-pressing and Drew Mitchell is waiting on news of a sore ankle…his own in case you were wondering.

Meanwhile Fiji, which has nothing to do with Australia except for Tuqiri and countless other players whose names pass me by – can we get an Oz/ Fijian count to have played or playing for Australia? Anyway, for Fiji’s sake have they found themselves in the most affluent positions of possessing a 30-man playing squad with no less than 15 back room boys ranging from a coach to a video annalist. The island rugby-mad outfit can transport itself from place to place but must otherwise rely on hosts to put up the bills whilst there, i.e. Scotland, Ireland and Romania – good to see the wealth is being shared amongst the top ten teams and I’d love to hear what they get to eat in Romania – My brother once got an apple and a gherkin on Bulgarian airlines, plus no seat; argh, those were the days. I on the other hand once played against the Romanian hooker and scrumhalf!

Big news for Wales will be the absence of Mike Phillips through knee ligaments or lack of them. And France, hang on, what’s this, this is good news, Thierry Dusautoir will captain their games versus South Africa, Samoa and New Zealand on account of Lional Nallet being too old. Look out for Thierry on the telly he’s good.

Lastly, the Saigon Geckos tour to Phnom Penh this weekend to compete in the Angkor 10’s and the whole world and his wife wishes them luck, and hey Gus, you sorted those buses out yet!

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

…and mushy peas and gravy too…ta!

Four years ago Tresco went down with a bout of Pakistani cab-driver flu, and to be honest the symptoms have gotten so out of hand that only the insane root of both fool’s and Bloke Down The Pub’s minds hold remembrance as to its true origins and its subsequent evolution, suffice to say; what in the wide, wild world of what’s the problem with him is so transparently unclear!

So we’ll move onto Younis Kahn, who’s back in the captain’s armband for Pakistan after the tiz of taking it from him in the first place subsided to a mild bout of sniffles and the not, as once thought, the full blown Tresco – hey, what, get out of it, we’d finished with him.

Ok, let’s leave the ‘stan and head east to its elder sibling across the Khyber to the Champions League-land where semi final positions have been ear marked for the T&T clan against the Delhi Daredevils, go on bet yer…I dare yer, which will take place tonight (Thursday) in Hyderabad, where we’ll be expecting plenty of runs. Always in India.

In the other scuffle NSW pulverised Victoria’s bush, erm, I’m sorry I’ll read that again, Victoria’s Bushrangers on Kotla’s slow wicket, by 79 runs. NSW’s Warner’s 48 off 25 and Hughes’ 35 off 28 helped the Welsh pocket $800,000 by reaching the final, which will be out and about and on a screen in a rub-a-dub-dub near you on Friday night – depending where you are – there, that proves this rag is read world wide, which in turn leads to ample of opportunities to advertise your wares…in this rag. Is that a plug? Is that what we call a plug? Or is it a prod, a prompt, a yell, a holler, a beg! No, balderdash, it’s nay a beg – it’s an opportunity, as originally said. We’ll leave it there.

Australia kick off their 7 match ODI series against India on Sunday in Vadadora, which sounds quite Spanish – almost like an exotic Mediterranean dish made from the purest of Vadadoreans found only in Vadadora – I’ll have one, with chips please!

Meanwhile, the Indians are coming off a poor CLT. And the Aussies have already lost Bracken and Ferguson through injury and have a doubtful Clarke turning up by game three. But their biggest dilemma is where to put Tim Paine and Shaun March. The Punts’ll figure it out just like he did with young fella Jon Holland, whom he’s never seen play but is nevertheless in the party, and The Punts says, “He gets a good wrap from all the other Victorian guys.” – Who I’m now imagining all have walrus moustaches and an eye monocle and nodding furiously accompanied by the odd grunt, ‘…n’errr, That Holland’s and good chap.”

That’ll do pig.

And,

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

No buts it’s gotta be Button. The new F1 champ started 14^thon the grid in Brazil and finished 5^th, which made him first although Webber won it…if you get my drift!

But it all really started back in Melbourne where a car held together by hope, a borrowed engine from Mercedes, some last minute cash from Richard Branson and a huge pay cut from Jensen.

This was all engineeringly knitted together by F1 supremo to whom tis both eight times winner in the drivers and manufacturer’s degrees. He is the master of nerd and Atomic Energy Research scientist…the none other than, Ross Brawn, who despite Jenson’s joy of declaring, “It was a great race, really, really enjoyable. For me it was the perfect way to do it.” – For Brawn’s settlement with joviality it was, let’s do it again, as he plans the next race; “Maybe a hangover in the morning…so we will start again in the afternoon!” He said.

Virgin on the other hand will decide who to sponsor next year after Abu Dhabi’s final race. Richard has always gone for the underdog and as he says, “Brawn are certainly not underdogs anymore.”

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Swiss girls have got their ganders up and are not happy with a German girl sneaking into a saucy calendar they’ve made. The calendar is set in the country’s beautiful countryside with, um, local animals. I’m not sure what to read into that, but I do know the Swiss feel they’ve been chastised. One said, “It’s not as if there are not enough good looking Swiss girls. There’s no reason for them to take a German girl.” – To which, Johann, the only German girl in the village said, “I love animals, which is why I agreed to be in the Calendar and I’m proud of my body and I wanted to show it off.” Calendar politics eh – would never happen down on fool’s farm at LoretoFest!

Britain’s loudest snorer is a granny named Jenny Chapman at 111.6 decibels and not fool the younger nay neither ye older as such ye foolette seems to think. 111.6 decibels, that’s louder than a tractor, a washing machine, and express train and even a low flying blumming jet! Now, and Digger pointed this out on the radio the other day, but we couldn’t air it because we were too incoherent. But now, if she is indeed Britain’s loudest snorer does she earn that title because she resides in Britain? Or on the other-hand could I for instance be Britain’s loudest snorer, but not necessarily live where-in you don’t have to be British at all but are just snoring the loudest…in Britain or for Britain. Argh see, connotations.

I do know the fattest bloke in Britain is the fattest bloke in the world and he is British. He’s Paul Mason aged 48 and weighs in at 70st (444.5203kg’s). He’s not the world record holder, which went to Mexican Manuel Uribe at 90st, but then, the Mex, not the Brit, stay with me, he lost half of that when he got married, which should be a warning there to skinny blokes, because there’ll be nothing left of you. That or go to prison, as Paul did when he was 30st. He did porridge for stealing money from letters when he was a postman; he lost 10st in the nick and it’s good to talk about age in stones… ‘Hey ya, remember that holiday in Vadadora when I was 12st 7 …ya, those were the days…bit skimpy on the peas I thought…’

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “Keith Richards and Mick Jagger went to Sidcup Art College which was opposite my old school, and if you were lucky, on a good day you might be able to haul yourself up on the small rectangle window ledge, which was situated to the rear of the building and shaded by the autumns fading light in the amongst the trees that spread down through gardens, onto pitch and putt course and a distant park, thus conveniently camouflaged by natures cloak you could peer through the wire meshed reinforced glass to see the natural life drawing class…phoarrr”

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “Eagles may soar, but weasels get sucked into jet engines.”

Were dinosaurs wiped out by blue, green algae that produced poison and depleted oxygen, as fossils tend to suggest, as opposed to a sudden meteoritic wipe-out? I don’t know. But I do know there was a little critter only 4inches high and two feet long called Dave, no hang, called Fruitadus, because it was found in Fruita, Colorado. I just know it.

A lock of Elvis’ hair was auctioned off this week for £9k. From his army days in ’58 no less

Meanwhile, the most expensive bra in the world costs £2m. Made by Victoria’s Secret the Harlequin Fantasy Bra consists of 2,300 White, Champagne and Cognac diamonds. I didn’t know they did drinks diamonds. I wonder if you can get a larger diamond. It’s also got a 16 carat heart shaped, brown-yellow diamond pendant. Why wouldn’t it? ‘Here come de bra Boss, here come de bra.

Alternatively you can get a dress made out of condoms.

£2.6m; Bournemouth spent on putting a false reef into the sea and it doesn’t work – that’s got to lead to some complaints, and those who will swear at you most on the complaints line are the Scots. Londoners 2^nd and the Welsh are most likely to just hang up. Software Company Corizon took a survey in Britain and found telecom companies get the brunt of it followed by banks, insurers, internet providers, gas and electric firms, government departments and retailers. - Although if anyone gets hold of the Beach Ball Kid’s number you’d need a busy switchboard operator.