productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: Lee Marvin with a bit between his teeth, Racqeal Welsh in a low cut top and fool are sitting in a boat, fishing in the Bering Straits. They're after the fabled Psychedelic Santa Fish, which was last spotted in these parts in 1969 just after the Bath festival went down the plug hole. They chat to while away the hours.

Raqueal: So why do they call it the Bering Straits then, hungry man?

Lee: Well there's two theories here Raqueal, do you mind if I call you Raqueal?

Raqueal: No, of course not. Are you hungry?

(Just like the fish, Lee refuses to bite)

Lee: No. (short pause) There's two theories here. One is it that it was named after this here region, being where the bears from Alaska and Russia gather and cross the ice in the deep winter giving it the bear-ring Straits theory.

Raqueal: Hmmm. Do you mind if I just lean forward?

Lee: No, that's fiiiiiiiiiine. And the other was simply because it was founded by the great-Dane explorer Norman Ostrich Bearing or more commonly known as N.O.Bearing, who was never to be seen again, after he was last seen, after he founded the great divide between east and west and not before...was he seen!

fool: So, it's either named after migrating bears whom parade almost freelance style on the frozen ice, creating a strait out of a ring or it's after a lost explorer who somehow found the area, got lost never to be seen again and somehow managed to convince the world of his find, thus acquiring this forsaken place's name after himself.

Lee: Yep.

fool: Ok, I'll go with Norman.

Narrator: I'd better intervene: ..ahem...You can fool some of the people all of the time. You can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can fool fool all the time, except on Wednesdays when he's particularly wily.

And absolutely not once did Raqueal mention anything about tackle.

Aaaaaaand now; the quiz;

1. How often do the Bering Straits freeze enabling it safe to walk from east to west or vice versa?

2. Which Oscar winning film gave Vangelis a N0.12 hit in 1981?

3. Lard is mainly produced from which animal?

4. What can be fired by a crossbow? - Two answers would be better.

5. What does the word piliferous mean?

6. In which city was Anne Frank when she wrote her diary?

7. Which Wizard star formed ELO in 1971?

8. How much silver must an item be made of to gain a hallmark? A) 78% B) 92.5% C) 100%

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - That's where they are.

 WHO AM I? And what a colossal mix up last week there was, was there not? Yes, there was! I had it the right way round then had a brain ache and changed it at the last minute, suffice to say The Legal Eagle was the first in and indeed correct with the mad march hare business, which of course was the rabbit, which leaves him (The Eagle) soaring clear on the said two points over main rival Dracule, because no-one got last week's first clue, although many phoned in, and with the majority call of Queen; '...Everybody play the game...' However everyone was in fact all stone cold wrong. (haa, phew, breathe) - For a wee reminder, here was last week's clue; "Play the game, play the game, come on, play the game..." - Think mad! - Gotta know your films.- Topped up with this week's clue No.2; 'After that mad film from last week's clue, in which he only had a cameo role, he then took a taxi to brighter things. - Still nuts though.' - And yes, this will always be a one sentence / one paragraph slot - so there's no reading between the lines!!!

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

Specification of The Ark

Made from...gopherwood

Length...300 cubits

Breadth...50 cubits

Height...30 cubits

Windows...1

Decks...3

Number of humans...8

Rain duration...40 days & nights

Flood prevailed for...150 days

Noah lived to...950 years...what?

fool's gold;

200 babies are born world wide every minute.

The average shelf life of a latex condom is about two years.

Leonardo DiCaprio had to lose a stone and a half in just two weeks for his role in The Beach.

Word of the Week  - provided by Wordman

Phuc - which is Vietnamese and means good fortune, but there is an accent on the U. It is also a girls name, and knowing YOU you're bound to get in trouble, so try to avoid using it.

And now, those who can only afford the bus please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and caipirovska on a Wednesday. Oh, and let Curtis King rock you. - Thursday is... *classifieds

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh November - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds - dude, those burgers are the go - best I've evr had, meaty and a little spice - superb.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger , keeping his fans happy for 259 editions.

*Trigger has always given you the odds - try em, this could be your lucky day.

*Tit-bits - 'A man who...' 'An email dropped on my desk...' and ... *Grub-Up is still stuck on Cameron's cod lips - so till quieter times when fool has the space and time - eat trout (New menu coming soon), meanwhile *Fishman - is in the process. And *Bongo Massif Bro's - The rock fest approach-eth and you's is still not here yet!- Don't worry, saved you a spot.

Mr. Meaner...Where did it all go wrong eh?

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

England's Dutch courage was bolstered this week in the guise of Holland's favourite export, bar sex of course, in the guise of the Heineken Cup, and its cousin the European Cup, which would've been Dutch sponsored had the Belgians not interfered.

Tying myself up in knots there; suffice to say English clubs won 10 of their 12 matches last weekend and drew one and lost the other. - Whoopee fucking do, I hear you snort.

The point being, is that fool has some stats on what is already being deemed as cheap labour exports infiltrating the European game, most notably France's game, which in turn affects all and sundry all the way back to, e.g. Argentina's national side, as explained last week.

Cheap labour doesn't necessarily mean poor labour but denying home grown talent does affect the higher level of home grown internationals. - Just that!

French clubs won seven and lost seven last week, and their foreign imports add up to a startling sum. Startle, startle.

They have in their 30 professional clubs; 87 South Africans, 41 of those play in the top 14 sides. There are 28 Argentinians, 19 New Zealanders, 17 Samoans, then Tongans, Fijians, Georgians, Canadians, Yanks, Czechs and one Russian - oh that Russian.

They also have no salary caps and no squad restrictions - they also eat garlic and wear hooped blue and white jumpers and ride bicycles around all day saying, 'hee-haw, hee-haw.'

But did that stop any of these scores?...Of course not: fool's pick of the bunch were; Munster's annihilation of Clermont Auvergne 36-13.

Bristol's superb whipping of Stade Francais 17-0 in the mud; causing coach Richard Hill to sing from the clubhouse's roof, "It's the best result we have had in five years." - Well, they were the French champions!

And, a cracking game to watch; Gloucester v Ospreys, where the hits were fierce, the running relentless and the rugby all round brill...man. The West country boys snuck home 28-22 (I think) and Cherries coach Dean Ryan got drunk and said, "Our composure and understanding of what we had to do in the second half was so crucial." - Yeah, which the fool didn't get either.

Ok, nuff of that, Wales are playing the Bok Murdering Bastards this weekend and the Boks are at least five blokes shy of their World Cup winning team and about 234 caps lighter, e.g. Gay boy Percy out for having a gay ankle (94 caps) Os du Randt; off to be a farm somewhere (80 caps), Matfield; doesn't want to tour (67 caps), Danie Rossouw; shoulder (31 caps) and Butch James; not released by club, Bath (25 caps).

But then Wales aren't exactly the most stable of squads, and coming off a World Cup pool loss to Fiji into this one-off international is just a pit-stop for caretaker coach Nigel Davies, before Kiwi boss steps up, Warren Gatland. - Where am I going?

Argh yes, bar the exciting prospect of Newport prop Rhys Thomas and Cardiff hooker Rhys Thomas confusing the befuggles out of the commentary team, 'Orange man' Henson is back in the centres with Sonny 'Jazz' Parker, forcing Tom Shanklin 'road' on the wing.

But he doesn't mind none as he explained their attitude going into Saturday's Millennium Stadium; "There is nothing for us to lose. It's a one-off game with no pressure on us. We can go out there and show what we can do." - Try the Can Can, that'll confuse em!

Meanwhile back in the board room Jake White says he'd love to coach England, coach a Guinness Premier side in England or just go on holiday for 6 months...in England

Whilst Johnno on the other hand has tampered with the idea of 'managing' England, but finally declined the offer stating he doesn't have the experience nor the passion to 'manage' a side, stating, "You have to have the passion to do something and it's not there for me right now in terms of coaching or management." - Johnno, the man, the legend.

Mind you, he's still touting with the idea of a coaching or a managerial role in the 2009 Lions tour to S.A. Where Welsh legend Gerald Davies is already team manager but Johnno and Ian MaCeegan would be a solid coaching team. - I wonder what John Jeffries is doing these days?

Further back in the board room and England's 12 premier clubs seem to have finally struck a deal with the RFU, an eight year deal including two World Cups in fact.

32 players will be released in the senior, Saxon and under 20's squad, and the Clubs will get a £1m compensation package. Top stars can only play 32 games a season and clubs failing to release players for country can be fined £150k, plus docked 4 league points. Players get 11 weeks off per year - shit, that's better than teachers! And automatic promotion and relegation are here to stay.

Rob Andrew, England's Elite Rugby Director said, "It's an end to club v country and the overdue start to club and country." - Rob Andrew is also very small close up.

Ok, keeping in the back board room and the IRB it seems have agreed on scraping the June/ July and November Tests as they are a waste of time, with both hemispheres coming off or starting their season and generally fielding 3^rd teams, which benefits no-one.

Matt Corrall of the ARU spoke of the proposed September and or November dates saying, "In-bound and out-bound teams would tour in the same periods. That's your international season. It sounds easy, but it won't be. A lot of thought will have to be put into it." - Oh forget it then.

Enough.

 John Smit's and me thinks...films where the villain is played by a Brit XV - :

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. 13. 12. The Great Race 11. 10. 9. 8. Braveheart 7. 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Eurpean nations Cup; Moldova 15-13 Netherlands

Some Heineken Cups; Leicester 33-6 Toulouse, Biarittz 22-21 Saracens, Perpignan 29-17 Benetton Treviscio

France pro D2 4eme journee: Mont-de-Mason 22-11 Racing metro 92

Japanese Top League: Fukuoka Sanix Blues 7-5 Yamaha Jubilo

Spain's Division de Honour - 6º Jornado;26-24 Spyro Bera Bera

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

The once gentlemanly game of leather and willow has been held to ransom by the media it seems and in a tit-for-tat - to-do the fool isn't going to tell you the score of the Aussies thrashing over the Lanks.

Could have been a picture here!

Suffice to say Phil Jacques is quite the natural successor to Langer, and Stuart MacGill should've listened to Richie '12^th man' Benaud when he kept on saying, "You've got to pitch it about a metre short of that mate."

The Aussies had three goes with the bat and notched up, 1313 with only 11 wickets lost in two Tests. Hayden was pretty much pants though and only made 93 (43, 17, 33). Bin him

Punts was a happy skipper and shook off any notion that the old guard were missed, "A lot has been made of some of the greats not being in our team any more, but we've known that for 10 months, so we've been able to get ready for a long time." - March put on a pad. April put on left boot...

England on the other wicket aren't fairing too well against Sri Lanka's Presidents XI who declared on 500-5 with Upul Theranga, Chamera Kapuyedera and Thilini Kandamby all hitting centuries in Kandy...woah!

The boys aren't panicking though and in between laughing at Hoggard mess up his run four times they've been tormenting two cobra snakes who bask in the sun just off the boundary. Graeme Swann said, "Some one said there was an 8 metre snake down there and that is when Kevin Pieterson ran over with a big stick and started poking it." - Not now Bob.

Bell then reiterated Graeme's words, "We know that while Sri Lanka come into the Tests off the back of a tough time in Australia they will be a different beast on their own patch." - Slippery customers those Lanks. Slippery beasts.

He then went on to acknowledge their supporters, "The Barmy Army are great - everywhere you go in the world they take over and make it not far from being a home game." - Without the snakes.

Do we need to talk about Harmy and Vaughan?...No, not really.

So Bob, yes now: His last email to his wife was read out at the inquest this week and bar the usual and the personal stuff it did have a lawyers bread and butter line in it; 'I could tell the players for some reason were not able to fire themselves up, we just threw away our wickets all the time." - Wilmaaaaa.

Till next week...

Other sports:

Renault F1 boss Flavio Briatore wants the Bitch back and is willing to open his heart again, "There is a 60% chance Alonso will be with us. When you marry, split up and then get back together it is not easy." - Don't marry.

need it again

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

Just a little this week but enough to wet your whistle, although no whistle wetting here it seems; if you live in the UK you may not be getting roast turkey and spuds on your plate come 25^th December. 28,000 of the gobblers have been wiped out by bird flu on five farms in East Anglia.And bad weather's ruining the potato crop. That's just got me thinking, I'm gonna have roast chicken for tea!

Six per cent of Brits will send lost motorists in the wrong direction to gain a feeling of superiority or because they just can't be bothered with them. Ha ha, bastards!

For £38 a bottle you can by your dog a blackcurrant and violet and almond cologne/perfume. A spokesman from Petite Amand, said, "We wanted a fragrance with refined ingredients that wouldn't over power the senses - a scent to refresh the day and appeal to the nose too." - They've spiced up the game of bum sniffing right there.

Mums get bought £1.1billion worth of gifts at Christmas whilst men only get £770million

Coming soon - cf's book club. In the meantime get stuck into this book - it's a ripper. Available at your local bookshop now...

Tyson did his 24hrs in America's toughest jail this week - Arizona's Tent City, so called  because they have to sleep in tents in 100ºf. Mike got busted for cocaine possession and driving under the influence. Sheriff Arpaio explained why he has to wear pink undies and socks - it's to detour other inmates from stealing them. The Sheriff explained, "He shouldn't be treated differently than anyone else." - You remember Sheriff Arpaio? I'll put some info in the *Tit-bits section if I can find it.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XII: Freddy Bannister was husband of Wendy and together they put on the Bath Festival of June 1969 & June 1970. In the '69 romp Freddy recalled, "The Nice brought on four brawny bagpipers, just for the Bath show, and when they came on and started marching around, the stage started collapsing! So I got four of my very largest stewards to lie under the stage holding it up while The Nice did their thing. When Nice had finished, the second stage opened up and Zeppelin came on, and while that was happening I got the carpenters to repair the stage ready for Ten Years After, who were next." - See, rock n roll is not just all rock n roll eh.

They've made another botch-job remake of a Michael Caine classic. If ruining Get Carter, The Italian Job, and Alfie wasn't enough they're now going to hack Sleuth to pieces. - Idiots.

Wolf suckling Romans Romulus and Remus' cave has been found near Rome by archaeologists - you dig!

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.18: A man walked into the doctors and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' And the doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'

Ok, lastly, Robert Stewart from Ayr in Scotland was caught by two cleaners having sex with a bicycle in his hostal room. Prosecutor Gail Davidson said, "They observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. He was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth." When the cleaners walked in he said, "What is it hen?" and carried on. He got nicked for breech of the peace and a three year probation. Sheriff Colin Miller said, "In four decades I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me."

Robert's solicitor said, "He thought he was being funny with the cleaners. He doesn't think it's funny any more." - No of course not, he's sober now.

Refer to opening song!

just cf it

cf