Crazy Fool's Newsround - 16th-22nd March '07' volume 227

16th-22nd March '07' volume 227
March, 22nd 2007 20:07 PM

The scene: Its 1896, in Ethiopia's capital, Adidas Hannah-Barbara - In the British Army's 2^nd Black and Foot's Red Stripes Regiment; officer's mess. General Gordon is celebrating his urgent dispatch to the Sudan's Khartoum.

Private fool enters, drenched from an unexpected early season downpour. He is escorting the revered Haile Selassie (Later to become one of the worlds best distance runners).

Gordon is addressing his men, - A God fearing tee-total and a bit Mutt & Jeff.

Action...

Gordon: ...and if those damned Fuzzy Wuzzies want it back, it'll be at Her Majesty's and the 2^nd Black and Foot's Red Stripes honour - quite a downfall I'd say, What!

(fool and Haile enter)

fool: Yes, I'd say so sir, absolutely soaked.

Gordon: What? Who said that?

fool: Me sir..fool

Gordon: fall, fall...the downfall of the regiment...never! (Gordon jerks round and see's Haile)

Gordon: What in the blazers! Damned Fuzzy Wuzzies are here already. Form a square, men.

fool: No, no, no sir, you don't understand, he's the revered one...

Gordon: Eh, what's that, he's the Rastafarian?

Haille: Ja...why not!

just my luck

You thought they couldn't possibly get any worse eh? But you'd have to admit, it was just a bit of luck that the plucked movement of Ja people from Gordan's tent was the instigator for any steel drummer. And Lady Luck, as she is oft known, come to that, almost everything is a lady - ‘she's a good old tub' , my boss would say referring to the 1960's Land-Rover we'd use whilst working at the boat yard back in the last century! But I digress, for is luck, fate or coincidence or just purely your own derring-do?

But to hell with the knockers and be-grudgers, let's get quizzical, quizzical, I wanna get quiz...icaaaal, let me see your quizzical...

1. What kind of animal droppings deposited naturally on you is considered lucky?

2. Which is the female half of Mulder and Scully?

3. Tea contains which acid?

4. What is a dirndl?

5. Who left the Commonwealth in 1949?

6. What fruit can be made from the letters TRANSCIENCE?

7. What name describes the loose rocks on the side of a mountain?

8. What three States in America begin with the letter ‘O'?

Ok, as the norm, all answers are on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ under *Comps & Results - and there's no exception.

So with no further ah-chew, here's another new, WHO AM I? - ‘It could be said, ‘I was born under a wandering star'"

Is it me?

And now onto our lovely, scrumptious and benignly benevolent cfn look-er-after-er-r's -

PACHARAN bodega bodega - oh baby when you dance like that...cf had some of their paella the other day - si bueno.

GTM - is probably the best garden & leisure furniture in the world.

Fosters - cf drinks it - by the glass.

But lets see what on in this week's cfn; *Digger's got all the news, reviews and previews on the AFL stuff - don't forget to give him a call on diggerafl@yahoo.co.au - look out for this seasons tipping comp. *Trigger's a winner eh - you gotta back the Triggs beauties. A new *TiV will appear this week - I think - I thank you - also some more channels...*Fishman doth cometh and indeed is here-eth - if you're in the Nam give him a call to see what's happening on the end of the line! *Bongo Massif Bro's - pull your fingers out. And don't forget those *classifieds - anything you like?

Right, that's enough of lauding it, let's rugger it:

And lo, the rather plumpish lady has sung-eth, and t'was the most ghastly of screeches indeedy. Rejoice and rapture did rattle in the rafters for Les Cocks, Le Frogs, Le Johnny Depardieu, Avignon sur la pong didee didee dum de do - Yes folks, by a gnats cock, to be sure, Les Blues have been crowned the RBS Six Nations Champs - and if you're a tad sceptical to their victory then maybe you should go back and watch the games again.

Sure, Ireland put up a canny performance throughout, especially when they knew it was a do or die situation in their last game against Italy - As it was for France and England, who were both gunning for wins and a better point's difference - confused? - Good.

Italy kept with Irelands pace for most of the first half, but eventually Ireland went up 8 tries in Rome to warrant a good couple of jars of the blackstuff, on which was their own special day, as it was too for half and sundry from all over our beautifully plastic world!

Nevertheless, you'd thought they might have done enough - for France had Scotland in Paris...but what's this, the Scots definitely put the terriers amongst the cockerels with some fine ferocious play. I thought it a shame though when Scot, with French name; Sean Lamont, (blonde hair) was binned for ten for a late tackle when it should have been his brother Rory (brown hair)! - Sean said, "It happens. I'm not going to say what I really think because I'll get myself in trouble."

Skipper Chris Paterson also defended him and said, "Sean caught the ball down field, so he would have done pretty well to have committed the foul as well." - The French eventually took complete control of the game, scored 6 tries to two and at this stage had stolen the crown from Ireland and most likely England too in the next game, as their required tally was a hoofing 57 point margin.

Thats a margin

And who did hoof England out of the championship running and Cardiff's Millennium Stadium and Wales itself, but that man 21year-old sensation James, please make him captain, Hook.

Wales had a pulsating start, which simply knocked the socks off England, and before you knew it Wales were up 18-0. To be fair England came back, and came back very well. They had the choice two tries of the match from Ellis and Robinson - Hook and Englishman Chris Horsman replied for Wales!

Wales were deserved 27-18 winners. Wales can be happy with themselves with an overly waited for performance and England, despite a loss and periods of being on the backfoot can be proud of their young guns, as Flood said, "When you think how young we are for a Test side it will stand us in good steed for the future." - Steed.

Dewi Morris is of that opinion too and he reflected on the fact that it took Clive six years to build the world cup team and...well, he said, "Ashton has to defend that crown in six months time. Nobody with a brain believes we can turn up in France in September and retain the World Cup." - Oi...I resemble that remark!

I resemble that remark

This week the fool is betting a personally designed tea mug that England will retain the Cup - remember he is mad, he also said back in August O'chocolate that Man U would take the league.

Ok, other rugby news is the revved and revered Super 14's, and which has to be the team of the tournament so far; The Sharks - arghh, or what ever noise they make - none I tell you, just a dangle from the board, a swish, a butt, snap, crunch and your lunch - horrible fuckers sharks - I wouldn't have them in the house! Nonetheless they're top of the table after yet another win last week; 27-14 over The Lions, and remarkably their first bonus point, with four tries.

A.J. Ventor, who's been going for about 100 years, said, with an aged logic, "We have now won six in a row, but it's only a start. The Super 14's is a lot of games in a row." - I'm not going to argue with that - there's a lot of S.A. beef in that team - they take on the Brumbies in Durban this weekend.

Lot of beef

The Force notched their biggest win over a very crumbled Queensland side - go The Force. The missing All Black 22 are back this weekend. And just to add to last week's news; Fijian wing Sitiveni Siviatu looks like he's also off to French Club, Agen. Rupeni Caucaunibuca is already there.

Lastly for rugby is that, The Leones of Spain beat The Lelos of Georgia 32-17 in Madrid in the European Nations Cup (6 nations B). They had previously lost to Portugal, Russia and Romania - now they go and beat a world cup qualifier - that's rugby!

And thats the pub

Righty-ho - cricket now; the gentleman's game!

Drunkardness, murder and ganja - it's all part of the island fun - come on in, the water's lovely!

Well, number three may not be in the headlines, but we know its there, and perhaps its just a matter of time - in fact let's start with the previous green fiend himself Ian ja Botham on his assessment of Freddie's dip in the ocean - drunk in charge of a pedalo. Beefy said, "I'm laughing." "Ok, there are 24 hours till the next game, but people react in different ways. Some players go to bed at 10.30p.m. tired, some go out and have a drink - the mistake was getting caught!" - And you and the silver fox Gower handed yourselves in did you?

Freds

I'll not harp on this matter, as I'm sure you've read every dot and cross of this sensation, which is almost inevitable on the sensational islands - What with Red Stripe, calypso, lots of dancing with your bum in the air and ganja all on a backdrop of paradise - something was always going to happen. But to think Freddie or come to that the English cricket team have a drinking problem is a headline too far.

Fred

But Bob Willis did say of England's best bowler for the past four years, "I think Freddie has been making a fool of himself since the celebrations of the 2005 Ashes." - He went onto say that ‘it wasn't the first time and I fear it won't be the last.' - The fool? That's me!

The olde finger wagging came from, all expected, corners - Nasser Hussain suggested Freddie had had three or four warnings in Aus, and is pleased that the management has made a stance, he said, "At some stage you have to have some discipline, even with your best cricketer." - I reckon Nasser looks like Jeff Goblum or what ever his name is?

Jeff?

You were once lauded for sinking something like 53 beers from Sydney to London, as did The Boon make famous, which Martin Johnston soon superseded by a good dozen or so, not including those in the airport lounge, but then I suppose they weren't in the middle of a campaign!

Oops

But again, I'll not harp on, on such an over-cooked fish and let the man himself convince you... Fred, "I want to show people that this was a one-off - or at least the end of these sort of incidents." "I am confident I can change my lifestyle. I'm 29 and not a kid anymore." - ‘Pedalo for ex captain...how far you going sir?' ‘All the way down.' Glug glug.

‘Norman Stanley' Fletcher was miffed but loves his lad and said, "I will always stand by Andrew." - That's my boy.

Frederick

So moving on, and, what about the murder - kind of takes away the Irish' win doesn't it!

When I first read it I thought it a bit unnecessary of Bob to have a heart attack, but now the Jamaican police describe the situation as ‘suspicious', and you could count your sour eggs if the only testament was from ex Pakistani, Sarfraz Navaz, who all along has said, it was, ‘not natural', and was indeed, ‘murder', but when he starts to mention ‘gambling' and the ‘match-fixing mafia!' suddenly those eggs get spread out amongst the baskets! - What, what, what?

Coached S.A - took them to the final in 99 - Hansie Cronje - that was no accidental plane crash by the way! - South Africa - ‘95' rugby world cup - poisoned? - South Africa match-fixing mafia held court by mad Indian and Pakistani ‘taxi drivers'? Bob lived in South Africa - I've said too much.

But I do like bloke down the pub's theory - it was Darryl Hair - Revenge is Sweet; the film, starring crazy fool as Inzamam-ul-Haq...

In fact, I'll leave the cricket this week with The Bear's words on Bob, as respect for the liked man, and the fact that I've absolutely no idea what's actually going on in the bloody tournament, except the bigg-uns are smashing the little-uns, except for the obvious, and a big match will be on this weekend with S.A v Aus - so let's wait till the Super 8's - in the meantime; Inzamam on Bob; "a good coach and a much better man." - God bless ya Bob.

Okey dokey, pig in a pokey - other sport:

Kimi Fuckinhell the Finn finished numero uno in Melbourne's opening F1 GP and said, "We are getting new parts before the next race so we can definitely improve." - He could have said hooray or something, and what exactly does he mean by new parts, what he hasn't got a steering wheel or his new discs? - Bloke in the garage, Jobsworth; ‘Well yeah, phhsh, see, what you got there is a bit of disc problem, I can fix it but I'll need new parts.' ‘can you get them?' ‘Yeah, but it'd be a week on Tuesday...

Added extras

Lewis Hamilton on the other hand was ecstatic, he said, "I was ecstatic and still am." McLarens chief operating officer said, "He will be a world champ. You just have to analyse what he did in Friday's practice then on Saturday in qualifying, which in F1 is now highly complex and very challenging. Many experienced drivers get it wrong. But he didn't." - That's right chief operating officer.

19 year-old Ding Junhui a.k.a. Pot Noodle, as he is known on the circuit, can't wait to get to Sheffield's Crucible Theatre for the world snooker champs. He says, "I've been a pro for 4 years and have never been to the venue to watch a match because I wanted to save it until I was there as a player." - Well now you can laddie - you've got world No.1 Ronnie O'Sullivan in the first round. I'm not that keen on snooker but I did used to like the music to T.V.'s Pot Black.

I also like this

Right, other stuff to see us off...

What with all the shenanigans going on in the Windies Elton John has been banned from playing at a jazz festival in Tobago for fear of turning the Tobagans gay. Arch deacon Phillip Isaac said, "His coming can open the people to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle. He needs to be ministered to." - I think you're too late Phillip he was ministered to years ago.

Oh Tobago

Press baron Conrad Black 62 is in the dock for the world's biggest expenses fiddle - £45m worth. That's a big whack eh. So far everyone's blaming his missus, who incidentally is on her 4^th husband in Conrad, for his lavish and coaxed spending. The ex newspaper tycoon, who once owned The Daily Telegraph and was part of the Hollinger news group once spent £35k on his wife's, Barbara Amil, champagne and caviar birthday bash and would take the company jet to Bora Bora in the South Pacific for a splash of R&R. - The fool has a way to go me thinks!

Keeping with the olds, and 72 year-old Viet vet Vincent Holochuost (cannot be his real name?) got bored with life and broke into waste tips in his area of Yate, near Bristol, UK. Eight times he scaled the 8 ft fence, each time caught on CCTV. His defence Mark O'Donnel said, "He just wanted a challenge and to get out for a few thrills." The courts chairman said, "Thrill seeking is unacceptable for a 72 year-old." - Ah, boo, hiss. Vince stole diesel worth £120 and copper piping and was told to pay £220 costs. What was he doing getting caught on CCTV the fool wants to know?

Shepherds pie

Forget your curries; Spag Bowl is the Brits favourite food. They will have it 2,960 times in their lifetime - pah, that's nothing! Others would be; stew: 2,612. Sausage and mash: 2,265. Fish and Chips: 2,089. Steak and chips: 1,741. Chilli-con-carne: 1,567. Burger and chips: 1,045. Chicken Tikka Massala: 871. - Without an iota of doubt the fool's dish of the day would always be shepherd pie.

Shepherds pie

Rowan Atkinson is going to play Osama Bin Laden in a play, he said, "There's something potentially comic about anyone hiding in the way he is, with the whole world looking for him." He continues, "The angle I would take wouldn't necessary be dismissive of his faith. It would just be about the predicament of the individual." - I wouldn't be weary of the fundamentalist fanatics wanting a pop shot as much as the Yanks!

Public loo's in Shropshire (Middle earth England) have installed opera music, and as such have saved £8k on vandalism bills.

New York magazine has dubbed London as the global capital of the 21^st century, owing mostly to the finance, food and fashion of the joint - I would suggest it has been for centuries, which should really piss off the French!

Scots in Wroclaw, Poland have been asked not to wear kilts as the numerous stag do's and the inevitable inevitable's, are upsetting the locals.

And lastly, two pupils at Rugby School in Warks, England have been expelled for shagging on the rugby pitch - yes the very one where William Web Ellis first picked up the ball. A friend of theirs said, "To be caught out by your teacher is the stuff of night mares, but maybe one day they'll be able to look back on it and chuckle." - I'd say, what with the youth of today, they already are. Fact: Rugby School was founded in 1567. It was the setting for Tom Brown's school days. Girls weren't allowed till 1995. Web Ellis picked up the ball in 1823 and a past pupil was Salman Rushdie. - I wonder if Osama is reading this?