Crazy Fool's Newsround - 16th - 22nd July 2010 volume 389

16th - 22nd July 2010 volume 389
July, 21st 2010 17:45 PM

“Well I got a silver machine

It flies sideways through time”

(Hawkwind)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 22.7.10

For 1^st Royal Tank Regiment

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Alienated

A Bosnian man’s house has been hit by meteorites no less than six times causing owner Radivoje Lajic to believe he is a target for alien attack.

In the northern village of Gorniji Lajici the rocks from outer space have crashed through his roof with such regularity that he can only surmise, ‘there is no other explanation’.

The 50 year-old has had to install steel girders to re-enforce his property and says the probability of coincidence times fate divided by chance just doesn’t add up, saying, “The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit six times has to be deliberate. If you rule out the possible, the impossible must be true.”

(Which must also be said of the pointless inclusion of this bracketed sentence)

The space missiles, no bigger than the palm of an adult’s hand, first struck in 2007 during heavy rainfall and have been confirmed by Belgrade University as, ‘not from this world’.

Now, people from around the globe visit his home where from a shed in his garden he conducts a tour of his ‘quarry’. Housed in this wooden museum of scientific interest are strewn his rocks bar one, which he sold it to a university in Holland in exchange for another piece of ‘space’ rock and some cash to pay for a new roof, which by all ludicrous purpose-fullness should have perhaps been made out of glass, as the proverb states.

When Radivoje was asked if he was, ‘indeed nothing but a rock collecting junkie trying to make a few quid from gullible Americans’, fool was unceremoniously cleared from his premises under a barrage of a heavy stoning accompanied by an incomprehensible eastern European twang and a heavy shower of phlegm.

I keep a clean patch

Cleaning up the mess in Britain; KBT’s advertising company for Keep Britain Tidy posters have come under a tongue lashing from Marie Claire of the Plain English Campaign, who called their poster depicting two women carrying waste bins as ‘childish and immature.’

The caption reads, ‘If you think our bins are big you should see the size of our Fanny’s.’

Marie begged the question, “Do they all think we have dirty minds?’ and suggested that maybe there should be a ‘Keep it clean’ campaign.

A similar poster last year read, ‘Trim my bush’, which 88 year-old Ernie Sharp immediately lapped up and became Britain’s oldest person to gain a masters degree in waste management from Northampton University.

She gets it from her…

A black couple from south east London have given birth to a white baby with blue eyes and blonde curly hair.

Mum Angela Ihegboro, 35, described Nmachi as, ‘a beautiful miracle baby’. Professor Bryon Sykes, head of Human Genetics at Oxford University said this is common if there is ‘some form of white ancestry’, however, that is not the case here, nor is there any chance of Nmachi being an albino in the equation.

Ben, the father, 44, said, “We just both sat there after the birth staring at her.” Explaining to their two and four year-old other kids was even more difficult, he said.

I bet Eminem is fuming

Both parents agreed, “All that matters is that she is healthy and that we love her. She is a proud British Nigerian.”

Soapy?

A British entrepreneur hand washes luxury cars for £7,200 a go in his mum and dad’s garage.

Gurchorn Schota washes every inch of the motors with soapy water then buffs and polishes inside and out five times before checking again with a £5,000 scanner that identifies any indescrepancies.

He got his first gig by asking a local Aston Martin DB9 dealer in the north of England, who liked his worked so much he passed on his details to his clients.

Gurchorn recalls his first car, which as in all his cars can take up to 250 hours to complete, “The first time I cleaned a Ferrari Enzo it took a week and when I tried to sleep all I could see was red Ferrari.”

What about the car owner…sat there for a whole week or more, can’t even listen to the radio, he’d probably entertain himself by playing the spoons, which is handy…

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Spoons are thought to have been traditionally connected to our primal past when our ancestors would play the bones’

Take it away Artis the Spoonman: (only available on website!)

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: MYSTERY TAXI – The taxi that arrives at your place on a Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with and leaves a ten pinter in your bed instead.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift,

Animal news

*Ice cream for dogs called K99 comes in flavours such as gammon and chicken…which has absolutely nothing to do with this - the competition for the world’s snail racing championships was this year won by a slimy wee urchin called Sydney in 3m 41 seconds.

*A Russian business man is in hot water after sending up a donkey in his parasail as a publicity stunt. For thirty minutes the beast wailed and brayed as gob smacked onlookers below in the resort village of Golubitskaya witnessed the terrified mule pass over their heads tied with a bit of string attached to a boat – surely it should have been a pig.

Number crunching

*The world’s biggest cream tea cake came in as a 6ft wide by 18” thick scone. It took 24 hours to make, contained 30lb (14kg) of flour, 5lb’s of sugar, 20 pints of pure butter milk, 40lb’s (18kg) of clotted cream, to go on top and 30lb (14kg) of jam. It was accompanied with a giant cup of tea. ‘I’ll have two please…’

*1 in 5 Essex girls are happy to go on a £20 date resulting in 61% considering themselves to be a ‘cheap date’. Groupola.com distinguish a cheap date as a burger or curry as opposed to the posh lot from Woking Surrey who expect an average £150 slap up meal at a Michelin rated eatery before their knickers are tweaked.

A 5^th of Essex girls will get down and dirty on the first night and 16% of girls from Newport in Wales are happy to be taken out on the bus. Mike Pearson from the Groupola group said, “In a strange way it’s endearing to discover that women wouldn’t judge a man if he took her out on a bus, or just took her to a fast food burger bar.”

*31 is the age of beauty for women and 70% say it’s down to the age of confidence, plus of course waist squeezing underwear and push up bras.

Worryingly men are spending on average £14 more a year on haircuts than women at 119 to 105. fool’ll’d be lucky if he spends that in a lifetime.

*20 Britons have officially been given the name Adolf since WWII. If you log onto fundmypast.co.uk you can also find a 19^th century family called Fish called their son Fish and his middle name was also Fish, so in 1864 there was a Fish Fish Fish.

Microsoft word spelling doesn’t recognise the name Adolf.

*The upright Challen piano used on the Beatles Paperback Writer and Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da at Abbey Road studios and also used on Pink Floyd’s, Dark Side of the Moon is expected to fetch £150k at Bonham’s auction next month. – Apparently children who learn a musical instrument or can read music will turn out to be more intelligent as they have the ability to grasp a bigger scope of what is available to them in life and it’s not just a posh thing. Do the spoons count?

*Oakland City in California are off to the law courts this week to decide whether four cannabis factories can pack, distribute and sell weed for recreational use as well as medical, body oils and baking goods. However, small firms are against the move, as their fear of a ‘Mcdonald-isation’ will put them out of business.

Check me out

Ok, time to finish; Irish woman Sarah O’Brien 21 from Co. Kildare is to get her boobs enlarged on line.

Sarah works as a checkout girl and cannot afford to upgrade from her born ‘A’ cup to her preferred designer ‘C’ cup, until that was, mum mentioned getting her kit off online. Yes, that’s right folks, sign up for myfreeimplants.com and customers will pay for your extras on line.

If Sarah’s keen to talk a little dirty she also gets a ‘chat’ bonus. Once she reaches enough ‘cleavage credits’ the website will pay the required £4,500. So far Sarah has made £300 in just a few months, and bar the odd weirdo she says it’s a right laugh.

Her boyfriend Cieran doesn’t mind and says she’s, ‘just got to do what she has to do.’ And often sits beside her whilst some of the ‘weirdoes’ ask her to smoke a cigarette whilst playing with herself – note, smoking was first banned in Ireland in public places in 1897 so before anyone complains, she’s ok to do it in the confinements of her own home.

Ha, and Anna Chapman thinks she’s going to make it in Playboy!

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz