16th - 22nd January 09 volume 313
January, 22nd 2009 04:40 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Causeway Heights, Crimea 1854. High on a plain in a Valley of Death stood 600 horsemen reeking of an apocalyptic discourse so foul that it could barely be justified as nothing other than apocryphal. Their venture so riddled by criss-cross confusion induced from timidity, tenaciousness, tartness and tactfully ill-conceived attainments of engagement issued by orders, which stemmed from such imprecision as to warrant bamboozlement. fool is Lord Raglan’s batman and the official war correspondent and is perched on a hillock aside his Lord watching the charge of the Light Brigade unfold and unfold.

Lord Raglan: By Jove!

fool: Would that be in reference to Jupiter sir, as in ‘By Jupiter!’ Because you know how our language is changing so fast these days sir. Things get muddled and lost and transformed and before you know it we’ll probably be speaking Russian. I was saying to Marjorie in a letter the other day, you know Marjorie, my wife, I said…

(Loud shot rings out)

fool: Yes, Jove, got it sir…

Narrator: Causeway Heights’ foolhardiness rattled through the ranks of military penmanship for ever more thanks to fool’s blunder. He went on to recover from his head wound and in lived on to be a stoutly 18st cross-dresser with enough hair to get seriously mauled in a badger hunt just south of Mrsdoufries Mount.

1. Name two items of clothing connected with the Crimean War?

2. What is the currency of Bolivia?

3. The Spanish Steps are in which European country?

4. What type of plant is a fescue?

5. What is the largest island in Asia?

6. What type of sugar is found in milk?

7. Which breed of dog were originally bred to hunt badgers?

8. What singer/ songwriter was Killing Me Softly With His Song written about A) Paul Simon B) Don McLean C) James Taylor

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? - 2009 – The 2.30 at fool’s valley is about to start with an interesting line up in race three for this, the Top Shelf stakes (too high!). Taking the field this week are runners and riders: Hitmewithyouryhthmstick saddling Dracule, outside him is; Ifihadtheballsofahairybaboon on the Legal Eagle, then HmmcanismellChiantionyou on Hannibal Lecheurerer, outside him is Ihaven’tgotaclue on The Quiz Master, Nurse is on Casualty and Isolate; Others. Last week’s 12 Guineas was won by the Eagle and he takes an early 2009 lead from these clues; – Clue No.1: “Not only should I have been credited with the first Fish n Chip shop but probably the first brothel too!” – and without thinking about fish let’s move straight onto clue No.2; “In fact one of my first drafts could have been entitled Taters & Titties.” – It was of course Charles Dickins. Now it’s time for a new clue: Clue No.1: “A slippery character, I still made it in the ‘Hall’ of Fame.”

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 2 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those unsure…oh, no, I’ll leave it up to you:

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Quizmaster:

Casualty:

Others:

Quote(s) for the week:

And we’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame

The Two Ronnies

*Non-descript trivia moment*

OPEC MEMBERS

Organisation of the Petroleum Exporting Countries

Algeria . Indonesia . Iran . Iraq . Kuwait . Libya . Nigeria . Qatar . Saudi Arabia . United Arab Emirates . Venezuela

fool’s Gold

“Freelance” originally meant mercenary soldier, a person who was free to use his lance for you, if you had money to pay him

The only countries in the world outside the UK with one syllable in their names are Chad, France, Greece and Spain

Women were asked by the British Government during the second World War to save wood by having flatter shoes

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

'Phenomenon' is the most mispronounced word

The word came first in a study of terms that are tricky to get your tongue around, with most people mixing up the letters M and N on a regular basis.

'Anaesthetist' came second because of quickly moving between the TH to the letters T at the end.

In third place was 'remuneration', which is often mispronounced as 'renumeration'.

With the numbers of Ts and Ss in the word, the fourth most difficult to pronounce was 'statistics' and 'ethnicity' was in fifth place.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Thanks Dr., and just to remunerate on a gripe from a couple of weeks ago, when in fact it was not a gripe, but a sweet love moment, that being the one about the new tarmacked road in Saigon, when just like London buses, you wait for an eon, now they’re bloody everywhere, to the extent that I was genuinely lost riding home the other Sunday afternoon, whilst on a well trodden road that suddenly became very unfamiliar. However, this is not my gripe, but which is instead lain down for the wee slip road on the way to work, which cuts about 50metres off my travelling. The ‘council’ dug up the old road, lay drainage, rebuilt the road then tarmacked it only for the bastard night workers to get rid of their waste ‘bitch’ down the new bloody drain. I drove past the next morning and some poor bloke was chest deep down the manhole pounding away a metal pole at the still warm gunk, trying to dig it out before it hardened to buggery – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

A good rant and a nice pickled egg, which by the way are coming soon, courtesy of the fool. Go to work on a rant.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #1

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly its good – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Porcini steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; dishes out some doings in the AFL camp

*Trigger: Takes us track side

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOWish – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out nowish, or maybe tomorrow! – Soon is all I ca say at this stage.

*Tit-bits – .../...wedding invite…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters is still doing the rounds, whilst fool steady’s his kitchen – I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast!

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and lots more…

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – …just released an old album, can’t wait to hear that…

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – there’ll be some frozen pickings soon and perhaps a round of Sumo, if you’re in Saigon that is!

Now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move on:

Masquerading as round 5 in the Heineken Cup last week was in fact round 5, which is good because going into round 6 this week we already know three of the quarter finalists and with some sharp maths will be able to work out the last five.

Also coming up are some bits on the Super 14’s and remember that white stuff on the fields in Europe last week? It’s back!

But first:

Stade Francais lost 17-31 away to Scarlets at the Parc y Scarlets Stadium. In a very physical game Ewen McKenzie’s Parisian outfit, tipped as one of the favourites pre-tournament didn’t cut le mustard, he said, “We didn’t go out there to play stupid football early on, but we just never got out of the blocks in the physical stakes.”

Meanwhile Scarlets boss Nigel Davies put his team’s three tries and a win down to ‘complete belief in themselves’ and that their “performance was outstanding.”

Down in the South of France, Stade Ernest Wallon to be precise, last years runners up, Toulouse, were routed in a three try to one hiding by Glasgow Warriors, 33-26.

Leicester beat Trevisio for their tenth time, this time 52-0. It was 40-0 at half time. When you’ve got your Flood’s, Mauger’s and Murphy’s against the only credible Italian player, ex Wasp star Fraser Waters, who didn’t play, then that’s what happens.

Wasps beat Leinster 19-12 at Twickenham in a huge game. Wasps showed signs of their old resilience and masterclass here. And did they need to, for it was a real battle of the giants. Lewsey played out of his skin and the Cip showed dazzlements of magic mixed with a bagful of school boy errors.

A forceful try came from a very powerful Sackey run up the right flank followed a couple of offloads for Betsen to pound on. Then Rob Kearney and the said Serge Betsen got a yellow followed shortly after by a very lucky yellow to Malcolm O’Kelly for stamping on Vickery’s head.

If you’re trying to work out some stats at the moment don’t, because none of the mentioned eight teams so far are in the quarters, yet. Wasps top their pool but have to get a bonus point this week against Castres whilst hoping Leinster do not get a win bonus point against Edinburgh. – Follow me? No? Good.

One of the ‘three’ however, are Munster, and if you’re looking for a sure bet here’s your Red Rum. They beat Sale 37-14 at Thomond Park in front of 27,000 nuts Red Army. Six tries did the trick, but things weren’t all plain sailing for the Irishmen as Hodgson pulled a try back for Sale and early in the second half it was 19-14.

However, O’Connell knew exactly what they had to do from then on in, “Attacking them was the best form of defence for us, playing down there, putting them under pressure, making them defend and taking it out of their legs. Defending is the hardest thing on your fitness and that’s what we did from that try.” – Sorry, what was that? Defend, attack, break some legs?

St Andre was pragmatic in his last season at Sale and pointed out the vast difference between the Heineken Cup and the Guinness Premiership. He said, “At 52 minutes I felt we were still in the game, but Munster were fantastic tonight. I think the Red Army must be very proud of their team. I’ve nothing more to say other than they were much better than us. Now we need to focus on the Guinness Premiership.” – Just Guinness.

Biarritz, who were trailing 12-9 at half time pulled their socks up to come away from Calvisano with a 23-15 win.

And Harlequins, who lost to Ulster in the howling wind at Ravenhill 21-10, are number two of the said ‘three’. There wasn’t much of a game here, just lots of running into each other as conditions prevailed, yet at 16-10 with 10 minutes to go Dean Richards suddenly pulled off in form Nick Evans just as Quins were awarded a penalty and everyone wondered if he had gone mental.

Team ‘three’ – Cardiff Blues and along with Munster, are the team to beat so far in this comp. They beat Gloucester last week 16-12. Dean Ryan realised what his team have to do next; “At this high level of Heineken Cup rugby, it is based on physicality and discipline and we’ve repeatedly come second in those areas.” – Don’t go to those areas.

Meanwhile the game went on with some fights, and a couple of yellows, the best from Tam Jones’ head butt on hooker Olivier Azan. Blues coach Dai Young didn’t condone such butting but did mention this; “When I was young you didn’t see a hooker go down as quickly as that. We don’t want to see players looking like soccer players.” – He’s European.

Bath beat the Dragons 15-12 in Dragon-land. It wasn’t the…well, let’s here Bath’s coach Steve Meehan say it, “It wasn’t the prettiest of games but it was the result that matters.”

Perpignan beat Ospreys 17-15 with no Dan Carter but helpfully they did have another Kiwi in the bulky jersey of Henry Tuilagi. When he got into his stride he basically ran the show. He nearly ran out of puff as the best counter attacking side in the comp pulled back a couple of tries through Shane Williams and Tommy Bowe, but Henry stuck at it.

And Clermont did their job of winning with a bonus point; in fact they notched seven tries against Montauban, 43-10, but to no avail because Munster beat Sale. The star studied side poured fluidity by the bucket full into Parc des Sports Marcel Michelin, but when Munster got their bonus point it was all over and out for the Aubergines!

Some Shorts:

Berrick Barnes 22 will skipper the Reds side till James Horwill gets over his lisfranc foot injury. Coach Phil Mooney said, “He’s very confident and composed…he’ll make a good captain. Berrick said it would be a ‘tremendous honour to be able to captain Queensland’ and that the last time he captained he helped, “Kingaroy Red Ant Under 11’s get home against Cherbourg United in the final.”

Jimmy Cowan captain’s the Highlanders, the first Southerner to do so, he said, “It’s been tough and a lot of hard work and grit. That was 2008, though, and now its 2009, it’s a new year. I’ve got to start again.” – Oh bugger!

New Zealand’s Sione Lauaki 27 has to complete a 20-week anger management course for busting up that hotel, he also got a NZ$700 fine. The Chiefs star has had plenty of run- ins with trouble before but is still getting 100% backing from his club – because he’s big and hard and mental.

The ARU are to ask Robbie Deans if his players wouldn’t mind taking a pay cut next season as they’re skint. They’ve already scrapped the Premiership, pulled ‘Aus A’ out of the Specific Nations Cup and are now looking to save A$500,000. Senior players aren’t too happy and have suggested cutting hotel costs and stop signing short term contracts to shite league players.

Gavin Henson’s made it back into the Welsh squad, but probably as fullback cover while Lee Byrne recovers from an ankle injury and Dwayne Peel is out – not down it, just out.

Sgt. Wilko has been eating his Buddha manual again; “Instead of asking ‘what do I do to get back in the England side?’ I say ‘what do I do to be my best?’ And nothing would be better than making the Lions tour. If I don’t, I’ll get the next one.”

He’s also being head hunted by the French; Bayonne and Perpignan, but serious money is on Pro D2 Parisian outfit Racing Metro 92. Word is he’s been offered €1m a season. They currently top their table and are favourites to move up to the Top14 next season. That further indicates Newcastle dreams are going down the Dwayne - Flood gone, Tait gone, Hayman going, the ground gone – sold to Northumbria University. You watch, Wilko will be fluent in French in a day and half and President within the year.

Lastly that white stuff floating around at Christmas wasn’t the frozen pitches but apparently came out of Matt Steven’s nose. The English prop tested positive for cocaine after the Bath Glasgow Heineken Cup clash last month and has been suspended from all form s of the game till further notice.

Dewi Morris said, “I am in a state of shock as is everyone I have spoken to in the game. Because Matt is such a decent lad, so talented a player and such a fine ambassador for rugby union. Well, he was until he became ‘Stupid Stevens’.

Kids, if you’re listening, he said he’s ‘truly sorry’ and, “The thing is, like any drug problem, you don’t know its happening. Before you know it you’re sat there with a problem and an illness. It has basically ruined my life.” – Dally sent him a message; “Now you’ll find out who your friends are.” - Anyone fancy a pint?

Last season 459 players were tested, one was found out for pot and one for not committing to regulations. – Regulations fool regulations.

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup – too late! Yes, he has had had two takers – and yes, he is now upping the anti to 2015 – and yes, the betting window for 2011 is closed – so up yours.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now:

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free tshirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Bit stumped on the cricket this week, if you’ll excuse the pun, and what I had on the Aussie/ ‘Is-it’ game last Sunday has all gone, bar for the memory of another cracker with a rip-roaring finish. The South Africans were chasing something like 272 when once thought all was lost, had a sudden surge for the line and amazingly came within a whisker…but didn’t get the cream.

Zimbabwe did something to someone else, the Bangles I believe, and folk are still harping on about England’s South African ex captain whom Warney decrees, “Come the Ashes, beware of Kevin Pieterson, because he could lift his game to another level.”

- to his successor, South African Levi, whom the Punts says, “I don’t know anything about Strauss. I don’t know what he will be like as far as his leadership skills are concerned. He must have something about him.”

- to assistant coach, Zimbabwean Andy Fowler, who when asked if he’ll run for head job, a role which has been tapered to an armchair’s logistical manager worth ₤250,000 a year, one which Jim from the Royale Family could do, said, “I’m not sure yet if I’d like to be considered for Peter’s old job.”

- to current South African coach Mickey Arthur, who has been hinted for the post, who says he’ll only do it if Zola Bud is his assistant.

So, there you have it.

Till next week…

Other sports:

Oscar De La Hoya 35, the man who has been world champion at six different weights and wooed the boxing world like none other than say Sugar Ray and Ali, but who also got so badly mauled by Manny Pacquiao in Vegas last December is in two minds whether to quit or not. . He’s got tons of cash, his brain is still there…or is it…this is what he says, “My family and wife tell me, ‘Enough! Accept it. That’s it. You don’t have it no more.” And just when he makes his mind up, “I’ve been going back and forth and everybody and their mother is telling me to hang them up. There are a lot of questions out there that need to be answered and I’ll figure it out. I have to be certain.” Certain? Its curtains.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Boy George 47, real name, Boy George, was imprisoned this week after being convicted for false imprisonment. He chained Norwegian Audun Carlson 29 to his bedroom wall after accusing him of tampering with his computer. Audun wriggled free from the handcuffs and got away, not before George gave him a few lashes from a metal chain. That was about it, but Judge Dave Redford said, “He was deprived of his liberty and human dignity without warning or justification.” – Of course where the Judge’s visits to Madame Sin’s are pre-empt and handsomely paid for. It lasted ten minutes and according to friends it, “sounded like two drug crazed idiots”, to which defending QC Adrian Waterman said, “I submit that there’s a great deal of truth in that.”

If you want to settle a dispute, do it the old way – bare knuckle fighting. The first big heavy weight, in terms of purse and notoriety, was recorded in 1860 when American John Heenan went to England to fight Englishman Tom Sayers. Sayers was six inches shorter and three stone lighter so for months he soaked his knuckles in turps, lemon juice, scraped horseradish, salt, vinegar and whisky, to ‘leather’ them up – sounds like how I cook my chicken livers!

The secret bout, for it was illegal, took place in a field in Farnborough Hampshire, where 63 train carriages of punters rolled in on ₤3 a fight ticket – that’s ₤1,900 in today’s money. The fight lasted 42 rounds or 2hours 20minutes. Both heads ended up a swollen bloody mess and only when Heenan was near completion of strangling Sayers to death with the ringside rope did the crowd jump in and the fight declared a draw. A New York Herald reporter described it as, “If Queen Victoria had eloped with Napoleon III the news could not have created more excitement.” – Them two fighting would.

like puppies in a sack

If you haven’t got a rope to strangle someone with, try this scarf; it’s a polyester tube, 66inches long by 7inches, which can stretch to 5 times its normal width. But get this, it changes into 9 different items of clothing; dress, skirt, boob-tube, poncho, snood, pashmina, belt or muff – personally I like the muff. There’s 100 different colours and is available at magicscarf.com – I wonder if they mention my site?

or a drape

Boff, Robert Seymore, a mathematician from University College London has worked out that women who want a ‘good’ man shouldn’t give out on the first date, he said, “This may help to explain the commonly held belief that a woman is best advised not to sleep with a man on the first date.” – I shouldn’t think that would be an issue for Londoner Jon Ward 29 who hasn’t had a date in eight years and so has tried to sell one on eBay – so far the top bid is ₤4.21

where would it lead?

Meanwhile as the Chinese New Year looms, the Year of the Ox, Buddhists are worshipping a bull that has three horns, and why not.

If you’re looking for a slice of luck for the New Year take Michael’s advice from Suffolk England and go look for it. He and his metal detector found ancient gold coins worth up to ₤570,000 in a field in Dallinghoo. He found one at first but got so cold and went home. A week later he went back and found eight more. Next he unearthed 773 in a broken jug. He took them to a museum and archaeologists found a further 43. The coins have been dated 40BC – 15AD. Michael said, “The detector was going berserk.” – I bet it was. I’m a bit of a closet metal detector geek or, I’d like to be if I had one.

There’s luck everywhere if you look for it; recently a three inch glass bottle, which was probably thrown off a ship, dates back to 1660 and was found on the Thames riverbank; it sold in auction for ₤3,300. That’s roughly 3,300 quid better off than if you hadn’t of found it!

how's your luck?

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! In the death pool group fool is in, the tally has amassed to over 3,000,000vnd and rising. I have Jimmy Carter, who’s not much of a rocker, but definitely on the edge is my other ticket; Amy Winehouse – I’d appreciate it if you could make it to around 5mil Amy – cheers.

A 23 year-old burglar broke into an adult shop three times in Cairns Australia, to have sex with a blow-up doll.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed then raced against it.”

Back to the lucky stories, and two Burmese fishermen were plucked from their makeshift life-raft, a plastic icebox, after 25 days at sea in the Torres Strait, off north Australia. The other 18 of the crew died but these two brave souls snuck in the icebox, which came up to their waste and was used for storing the ice and fish. Inside their raft they braved 60mph winds, as they lived off the fish scraps in the bottom of the ‘tub’. Marine Safety Official Tracy Jiggin, appropriate name, from Queensland said, “Being spotted in such an expanse of ocean is miraculous.” – Blumming lucky, that’s for sure.

One in five French girls prefer British men and only one in three consider their home-growns romantic. Nearly half would consider a long distance relationship, whilst 40% of British women would consider the same. Alistair Shrimpton who conducted the survey at Datingdirect.com announced, “We’re holding a cross-Channel dating event so that French and British singles can meet, drink champagne and compare romance.” – Hmmm, compare romance eh. How’s this for romance; they’re meeting at the Champagne Bar in Kings Cross, St. Pancras Station between 6.30 and 9.30p.m. Why don’t they just call it Fuck a Frog in a Train Station Bog night!

And I’m sorry, but I’ve run out of time so I’ll leave you with this; the dark side of the Moon hasn’t always been the case. French boffs Dr. Mark Wieczorek and Matthieu Le Feurve from the Paris Institute of Earth Physics reckon the Moon was hit by a large asteroid which spun it about a bit. According to the age and distribution of 46 known craters on the east face, that is more than those on our facing west face – still with me? Boff Mark said, “This could be explained if a large asteroid impact had set the Moon turning. Such an impact would have put the satellites rotation rate out of whack so that for tens of thousands of years it would have appeared to slowly turn as viewed from Earth, eventually settling into its current position.” – Hang on, this was 3.9million years ago – who cares? I much preferred the titty stories.