16th - 22nd Dec 2011 volume 463
December, 21st 2011 20:22 PM

“Let’s hope it’s a good one”

(Toxic Shame)


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – that has lots, lots more!

  

That Was the Week… What a Week! - Saturday’s 1p.m. 92.75fm and around the globe on www.radioindochine.com

Also podcasted later on fool’s very own radio: http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php

 

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 22.12.11  

                                        

For elements of 2 (Mechanical Support) Squadron, Royal Air Force – tally ho

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

 

From Russia with love

Vladimir Putin has employed a former Playboy model to boost his chances in the run up to the Presidential elections.

 

Maria Kozhevikova 27 posed nude in Russia’s Playboy and is a member of the Young Guard of Putin’s political party United Russia situated in Tomsk, Siberia who describes herself as an ordinary girl next door.

 

“I’m just an ordinary citizen on the Russian Federation. With the problems I face everyday, now I’ll be provided a platform where I can speak up the difficulties and offer solutions.’ – Quite, the problems of knowing which clothes to take off in such a chilly climate must be immense.

 

Meanwhile the Russian Federation Space Agency is in hot water, again, as one of their space crafts full of toxic fuel and radioactive material is due to crash to earth some time next month, but no-one knows exactly where.

 

The £110 million craft is the latest in a series of blunders offered by their space programme and although Roscosmos, the agency, suggest it is likely to burn up on entering our atmosphere they are still asking for any information on its whereabouts, so if anyone has seen a 14.6 ton probe please contact Russia.


Do you see what I hear

Toddlers in a Yorkshire’s, Sure Start Centre in Acomb have been asked not to form the a star sign with their hands when mimicking Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star this Christmas, as it may offend the deaf.

 

The symbol of a star held in front of the crotch represents a female’s body parts. However, MP Hugh Baily is not convinced it is offensive, ‘this is an over reaction. I can’t believe any toddler would imagine anything other than a star.’

 

A spokeswoman from the council who run the toddler group said, ‘It’s a sensible decision to prevent deaf children or deaf parents being offended by the use of this gesture.’

 

Well, thank goodness we’re living in sensible times.


Joy to the world

Following the immortal words on Spike Milligan’s epitaph Kim Jong Il was and subsequently died this week aged 69.

 

Thousands of mourners were forced at gun point to break down in tears, with one lucky fan Hong Son Ok given the opportunity to read, ‘How could the heavens be so cruel? Please come back General. We cannot believe you’re gone.’

 

Kim Jong Il billed many national reforms in North Korea including making sure his cellar was constantly stocked with 10,000 bottles of French wine and was able to spend $163, 000 a year on Hennessy.

 

On one train trip to Moscow the country’s ‘father’ had the usual consignment of fine wines and Champagne along with live lobsters and a whole roast donkey was delivered at every station, while loyal subjects measured every grain of rice for length consistency and made sure were without blemishes.

 

A keen James Bond enthusiast Kim didn’t just rely on one fantasy and recently kidnapped a South Korean film director and his actress wife to remake his favourite film Godzilla, but they escaped with the aid of Jack Black.

 

Kim’s son Kim Jong Un 27, a veritable modernist, recently had plastic surgery to look more like his father will take over the reigns and man the people – the Teletubbies are being heavily guarded.


 

 (sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Seasoned with man’s goodwill to uphold a sense of decorum within the chaos of atrocity it’s almost pleasing to note the days when war’s had a break from hardships. In fact those were the days; Back in 1914 when war had a sporting intermission during the goodwill season. Where in between bouts of roasting Johnny Foreigners nuts on an open fire were strung the baubles of peace sparkling their way into the history books and forcing the goose to step aside and let turkey take over the No.1 spot. But that’s not entirely true is it? Because the goose-stepped right up to 1945 and turkey’s were up there with him! But now I’m really getting confused, am I talking turkey or countries and how they do their stuffing? Either way it’s the festive season and may all the good boys and girls feast well this yuletide and the rest can get stuffed, which reeks of the cynicism being only fit as irony for commercialism! As was found when Fritz Von Lederhosen was busy squeezing out the last of his Bavarian sausage in that cold winter of 1914, when Tommy challenged him to a game of football on the rec, “Ya vy not heir Tommy Flatfoot”, he replied, “But ve von’t use our helmetz for goalpostz zis time as Goerbaerls is now vearing hiz knackers in his top pocket.” Saddam had the exact same problem this week back in 2003 when he was living it up in a hole in the ground and gorging himself on western products such as hot dogs, mars bars, Nescafe, Maxwell house, Dettol and dove soap. This was all from the self professed ‘Leader of the Arabs’ who when caught said, “I’m Saddam Hussein, I’m the President of Iraq and I’m willing to negotiate – coffee anyone?” Had Paul McCartney been around to sing the Pipes of Peace we’d all be content in the knowledge that despots were given a fighting chance, as long as they had a tuneful ditty and a token of nuts to accompany their peace talks, as is the case with every Christmas song from Elvis’ Blue Hawaii to John’s War is Over, Give Peace a Chance, but cradling the angst that personifies most households in this day and age of Christmas stress was the true culture of Christmas as personified by Billy Idol when how he told me in Juice café in Saigon the other day over a bowl of their delicious eggs in a clay pot, how his holiday tune evolved from excess booze that caused him to pick a fight with the Christmas tree, yet and regardless were he to hold the negotiating tool of the said calming influence of Juice’s eggs he would have recorded the exact same tune in Phuket’s Legend recording studio given the chance, thus proving in some cases that’s just the way it is, and on that highly confusing note, we’ll give Billy his Get It Off Your Chest Request of Yellin’ at the Christmas Tree…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website and radio!)

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

 

 


www.highstylecondominium.com

 

fool’s gold; now available on his radio show - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php and 92.75fm - www.radioindochine.com

 

Animal news


 

*You can buy tinned reindeer in Harvey Nichols this Christmas. The pate goes for 15 a tin as is labelled as, ‘from a raised relation of Rudolph.’ And ‘selected cuts of reindeer, seasoned in cognac and spices.’ – Sounds beautiful

 

*Reindeers eat magic mushrooms for a laugh. They purposely seek out the fungi to break up the boredom of their diet. Then they make funny noises and stagger about. Mr. Hayes wrote in the Pharmaceutical Journal, ‘They have a desire to experience states of consciousness.’ Their herdsmen also drink the reindeer’s urine to get high!

 

*To find out more of fool’s animal news, catch his radio show this Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm (Phuket) and around the world on www.radioindochine.com – podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk (http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php)

 

Number crunching


 

*Elin Davies gave birth to her baby under their Christmas tree and it was delivered by the dad, Ryan Jones, with a little help from the operator on 999 emergency. The 8lb 8oz baby was called Khloe Seren, which is Welsh for star.

 

*Brits will eat 43 extra teaspoons of sugar over Christmas and the Saturday before spend 1.5 million in the shops every minute – not each person, but collectively!

 

*Jyoti Amge is the newest smallest woman in the world, which makes it sound as if they’re bred for it. Of course, it merely means she’s just turned 18, and at 23.5 inches and just 11lb’s could probably fit in your top pocket, and no doubt be the only person to get a ticket for parking her car on the world’s shortest double yellow lines, which are in Norwich at 17 inches – oh those crafty traffic wardens eh – never miss a trick.

 

*Britain has asked its supermarkets to cut down on their packaging this Christmas as the wastage collected this time of year can fill Big Ben 1,500 times over. To emphasize the waste even more; Brits use enough wrapping paper to cover the world ten times.

 

*40% of Britain’s pubs pull up short measures on a pint. In Bristol, Leeds, Middlesbrough and Bournemouth you can expect 27ml short of a pint, whereas London and Southampton will get the real deal – 500ml

 

*Boffs from Bristol University have worked out the ‘hit potential’ of a pop song using 23 different features to calculate its success. Studying 5,947 top 40 UK chart singles over the past 50 years calculations ranging from volume, tempo and chord sequences were used to attain a 60% accuracy chart.

 

*The fastest time for eating a common household light bulb, metal included is by RJ Williams at 33.86 seconds.

 

More numbers to crunch, cheese to discuss and fool’s gold, tales from the dark side and lots, lots more on; fool’s radio show – That Was the Week… What a Week - Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm in Phuket and worldwide on www.radioindochine.com - Saturday’s 1p.m. straight after Big Dan’s Sports Centre show. (Podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php) – download it as an MP3 and climb up on the roof to get away from it all.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf


 

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