Crazy Fool's Newsround - 15th - 21st Sept 06 v.204

15th - 21st Sept 06 v.204
September, 21st 2006 04:26 AM

‘Oh that's my boy, yes siree, you's a gonna be something son. I can tell see, I's know's when a goodun comes along see. You gonna hook em, line and sinker, my plump little festering larva-ascious grub yer's. Oh yeah, today's gonna be a mighty fine day. Percival, take care's of your brother now son, I'm off to the surface of this here carcass to go fishing so that we can go fishing.'

‘The Great Pontefract and Percival Maggoty Adventure' on release NOW.

Plans, proposals, programmes and schemes, we've had em all eh? Your concotional want, your brewed desire, your hatched hope has always been wiggled and tweaked by the desire of success (that's another topic altogether), the desire to better, to create, to see unfold the silhouettes of your mind, always to achieve, always to further, not necessarily to cut the sweeter honey-combed crustier slice than the Dafydd's, neigh indeed the Jones' but never intentional to founder. As I told my old chums mum once, way back when I was a nipper, that I had plans when she asked what we both idiot of school drop outs were going to do with our lives ‘I have plans.' I said confidently - ‘So did Hitler' she astutely replied! Oh well. Equally as profoundly put was what H.M. Warner, head of Warner Bros. said back in 1927, "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

Leave part of your brain to plan for these:

1. What were the names of the three tunnels in the film The Great Escape?

2. Which word can go before baked, measures and time?

3. Which sport has Australian rules?

4. What sort of animal takes part in a point -to - point?

5. According to the saying, what is ‘nine points to the law'?

6. Which US state is north of Wyoming?

7. What type of food is a bullace?

8. Who are the arch enemies of, A) Flash Gordon B) Superman C) He Man?

Play a fresh bout of ‘spot the ball' on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ and while you're there see if last week's quiz answers to v.203 are up there yet!

In the meantime; no-one's travelling too well on WHO AM I? So here's clue No.3, ‘He doesn't travel too well on me, but I always give him a ride, just enough so as he seek his Eldorado!

Is it me?

Brain dead, really, really brain dead!

Coming up on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ :

*Digger's up there again on the finals round up of week two. *Trigger's not far behind either, in fact he's indeed coming up fast on the outside. *Grub Up really does have some grub for you this week. *Spot the Ball, the 2^nd edition is rearing its ugly...ball! And... oh, be-jiggerries, there's loads of it, including them dere *Bongo Massif Bro's - you heard them yet?

But on the oval shape of the look of things; Fact: a rugby ball should weigh between 400 and 440 grams and the length between the pointed ends should be 280 to 300 millimetres.

No internationals to crack on about this week, but plenty of domestic news; For instance the Black Ferns beat England 25-17 in the 5^th women's world cup - ok, enough of that, I mean, who even wants to see them swap shirts after the game, let alone play?

Andy Farrell finally played a game of union. If you don't know him you will, he's 31, he captained Wigan and Great Britain at the age of 22 in League and he's shit hot. Hot on his heels are Chev Walker (23) and Karl Pryce(20). They're switching codes in their droves, and Wigan chief Maurice Lindsay's not happy about the 1.6m salary cap on league players, he says, "Rob Andrew will regard us as a nursery for the RFU. They must be laughing at us. We're not even encouraging our clubs to invest in juniors." - Oh well!

In Aus the The Brumbies take on The Reds in the first, and according to Eddie Jones, ‘A waste of time of a tournament, in the APC (Aus Prem Champ'shp). Even so, it will be interesting to see Mark Gerrard have a go at No.10, as he will be this weekend - personally I think he's far too Neanderthal for that position.

127 Test icon Gregan's not going on the Wallabies European tour. Is that the end of him or is he, as he says, just resting? They seem to do a lot of resting in the southern hemisphere, the Blacks have got, what is it? Four weeks' off, the Aussies play, what? 16 games a season. Whatever, that's another kettle of fish. The northern hemisphere's got that tart Gavin Henson, and he's says he's back. Now, he's had a rest. He said, "When I get my sharpness back, it won't be long till the old arrogance is there again." - Tart!

Even bigger tart is Kiwi Anton Oliver, who recently got painted in the buff. He said, "The artist, who I had known for sometime, and from whom I had bought a painting, was interested in figure studies and asked me if I would pose for him on the grounds that my body was more bulky, shall we say, than most of the nude subjects." - On the grounds that you're a big poof mate, cf reckons. Now get your clobber on and get out.

Right, the Specific Islands go on a European tour in Nov - can't wait. There's 12 Samoans, 9 Fijians and 7 Tongans, all led by the legendary Pat Lam. It really is hard to pick a winner there - can they beat anyone? Yes. Will they? Don't know - it'll be a bit cold for them in the valleys of Wales, too blustery in the Emerald Isles and bloody freezing in Jock-land!

Lastly George Smith had all of his 105 braids of coil and mess cut off, all for charity mate. cf had braids once - he looked like a c**t.

And now this...

Cricket now, and how's them dere African's eh? Trouble maker's cf says; Mark Vermeulen played 8 Tests for Zim and 32 ODI's. Does that give him the right to throw a ball, in anger, into the crowd cos he got hit for a few runs? - Tart! Good job an Ashton under Lyne supporter in the Central Lancashire league game against Werneth stepped onto the pitch and smacked him a couple of times.

Apart from that, Hussey and Ponting battle for captaincy - cheap journalism? Michael's not interested, he said, "I've mentioned a few times that I'm 100% behind Ricky and Adam as captain and vice captain, and I can't see that changing for the foreseeable future." - mentioned it a few times? Must be news.

37 year-old Warney aint too happy either, he thinks coach John Buchanan is a twat. He said, "John Buchanan sometimes over complicates issues and he has lacked common sense. He has been our coach during a successful era - but that begs a question, does the coach make the team or does the team make a coach? I'm a firm believer that the coach is something you travel in to get to and from the game." - I thought it was what you sat on and ate potatoes!

Meanwhile in the England camp, Monty's seeing the team shrink to prepare for the Aussie onslaught, "I've prepared for the worst scenario, but it could be even worse than that. What ever happens from the crowd will happen." He's gonna confide in experienced backlasher Tuffnell, he said, "I'll speak to Phil about how Australia was for him. I'm sure that will be valuable." - Wouldn't bother make - just go there and do it.

Right, golf. Never talk about golf, but two things chuckled me this week, and we're in nearly Ryder Cup country after all. No.1; US captain Tom Lehman is taking plenty, plenty, neigh dozens of bags of tortilla chips to the UK. Because for some reason he thinks the UK is some kind of back water. I suppose. He's also smuggling in 200 packets of salsa. He said, "We've got a few things making a one-way trip, so if push comes to shove, we can find room for the Ryder Cup." - See, who said the Yanks haven't got a sense of humour.

No.2 Tiger Woods is pissed off that his ex model, missus Elina Nordegren was mocked in fake pics in an Irish grot mag. He said, "It's hard to be diplomatic when you have so much emotion." - He is a tart, isn't he? Good golfer, but a tart.

Right, other stuff; lesbians have more orgasms than straight chicks. An Aussie survey of 3 Universities found that 69%, it had to be didn't it, 69% compared to 76% of women get off on the manual technique rather than a good old fashioned bonk. - No news there.

Lesbian?

Hospitals in the UK are urging nurses to be a tad more restrictive on their cleavage and G-string exposure. - Yeah right, let's make the patients as miserable as possible eh!

Nurse!

Wales are next in line for a public smoking ban, and England will soon follow. I think it comes in sometime after the Ashes.

Beware smoking burns

A school in Wandsworth, South London, England has pupils with 71 different languages. Luckily none of them are Welsh.

57 year-old Eric Long parked his car in Bury-St.Edmonds, England and went sight seeing. He forgot where he parked and it subsequently took 10 trips from his home town, Milton Keynes, 60 miles away, and it took him 7 months to find it again! He parked it outside a house, and each neighbour thought it was each others.

Ok lastly, 35 year-old Mr. Zoran Nikolavic, otherwise dubbed as Mr. Jiggywinkle had sex with a hedgehog after his witch doctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation problem. It didn't. It just ripped his knob to pieces. A hospital spokesman in Belgrade, Serbia said, "The animal was apparently unhurt. The patient came off much worse from the encounter. No one has ever come across anything like it, and I doubt any ever will." - Let's hope not, it sounds like there were one too many pricks already.