Productions presents...

The Scene: Its 1534 and the two ‘lovely' Conquistadors Felix Unabastardo and Sebastian Discontentas are relaxing on a beach in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. The beach is full of bikini clad women with cheap animal hide bric-a-brac adornments and dope surfing dudes with Alaskan accents! Felix and Sebastian sit on their deck chairs supping a cool Pina Colada, donned in full - Conquistador-ion - battle dress.

Felix

Sebastian

Unabastardo: What's the matter Discontentas, you haven't been happy since Honduras. Cheer up me lad - we have gold from the Aztecs and myth from the Mayans, plus 7000 Indians as accessories not to mention 100 weight of ransacking memories. Now we've got two days holiday on the beach. This is surely La Dolce Vita!

Discontentas: This surely is La Dolce Vita - Dolce Vita, Dolce pissing Vita! (he pouts discontentedly) You know I wanted Dolce & Gabanna!

Narrator: I don't even get this one.

fool: It could have been Louis Vuitton I suppose, but it wouldn't have had the Dolce bit!

Narrator: Ugh?

fool: Paul Smith? - No, same there...Channel, no...

Narrator: Enough. I don't care...and what's with the Alaskans...and why do you want to crap on about poofters and their accessories?

fool: Ugh ha, you did get it. Besides all the Conquistadors were poofters, and there's always loads of Alaskans in Puerto Vallatta. There's a daily flight, they...

Narrator: It's a waste of my time. It's crap and worthless, I don't know why I bother.

fool: Just something to pass the time dude, no need to get uppity...

Narrator:  I'm going to kill you fool, you know that don't you... (The sound of a small fracas - screams and fades...)

Conquistadors

Argh La Dolce Vita eh - don't you just love it - don't leave home without it!

Live La Dolce Vita!

So as the blood is being swabbed from the decks of fool's depravity lets click to the quiz:

1. Whose Irishman's life could be associated with La Dolce Vita?

2. Who played The Count in Bram Stoker's Dracula?

3. How is a Cardinal addressed?

4. Which is larger Mars or Earth?

5. Which actor played the leading role in the TV drama Shogun?

6. In the film The Great Escape which actor played the forger?

7. What is Blue Vinney?

8. What are the three longest mountain ranges in the world?

Spot the answers to last week's quiz and more in the *Comps & results page.

Still no correct answers to the Who Am I? - So here's clue No.4; "My cruising namesake has just downed anchor and will reside itself to a stationary hotel!"

Is it me?

So now, let's squint our eyes till the vision flickers like an old film and cast yourself unto the delights of these:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Every Sunday get as much Sangria and paella down your gullet for only 195,000vnd - in every currency that's a steal!

GTM: Garden & Leisure furniture built and shipped to your requirements. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: June's meat tray is doing the fool proud dude. Lamb chops the go this week.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - you'll love it.

Al Frescos: Double your pizzas but only pay for one - every Tuesday - just nuts! Check the classifieds for their new restaurant opening - is it nearer to you?

Plus many more great deals in this week's classifieds - check em out - if I played pool, I'd have my eye on that pool table!

*****************************************

Ok, what's in ye olde cfn this week, let's see; *Digger and *Trigger have all the news on the AFL and the Down Under gee gee's. ‘Got anything from Ascot this week mate?'

Then there's a side-ways look at this week's *Tit-bits - for no reason, other than famililiraity and contempt - content fool, content - ugh! New recipes and poems coming soon - just a busy time of the year you know. And ho ho freakin ho, how we love dose dem dere *Bongo Massif Bro's eh! (Not even slightly wearing thin with the fool yet!)

***

Couple of responses to last week's ‘Porn survey' and not all were pleased with the pics. Here are some responses;

‘Seriously dude, the bloke in the box, are you demented or raving? (B.Confused. Durban)' - fool says; ‘get fucked.'

...and... ‘Sorry - too many scantily clad men this week. Are you sure cfn doesn't stand for chutney ferrets newsround? (Ivor Nitch. Canada)' - fool says, ‘get fucked.'

... And lastly ... ‘Here here fool - democracy for the ladies, at last - next time don't show pictures of yourself though, but of some athletic types with big schlongs. And more tits please! (Miss Slade. Forgotten Islands).' - fool says, ‘will see what I can do about the tits.'

Ok, ok I get the hint from last week - but lets not labour the point eh...cos now...

It's that old thing called rubbgly time:

And by blinkety-blimey - turkey out of a hat - rugby finally plucked a Test match eh!

It had to come, it was only a matter of time, but not surprising, as recent games were not expectable for such dramas - saying that, in some throes neither was this game an expectant of such theatrics - mostly amongst the murdering southern tip of the world's green and pleasant Dark Continent!

But enough shite; the ‘Is-it's' are as the fool predicted - not soooo hot, and so too the Wallaby's, who are not so surprisingly; not sooo bad. Not surprising bar their absolutely resounding front row performance.

Let's not go down the road of South Africa's scrum not being totally up to scratch against a third XV English side or a Samoan XV, because that wouldn't give credit to the Aussies, for they were there for the whole game in all capacities; mentally, physically, competitively and notably front row-ly!

As Matt ‘fat-as-a-house - row-ly poly' Dunning mused, "I read in a newspaper in South Africa that Australia is world class, but their front row is an average Currie Cup front row. So yeah, I took a bit of motivation from that. I wasn't angry or bitter (just hungry). But it helped to motivate." - I thought they always said all you need is the jersey to be motivated!

There's no need to over-expose the limelight, but it was just that much of a gutsy performance and such a turn-about scrum wise, and a stoic defence that the well ‘deserved' underdogs gave the crowd that much of a thriller.

Dan Vickerman was on a high too, and he's bringing in an apple on Monday morning for ‘Knuckles'. This is how he described the Wallaby's performance; "I definitely think we got a pass mark but we can't be too blasé about it. We've got to hopefully maintain this standard and then improve from there and just keep moving forward." - And he's from Cape Town!

You think I'm forgetting our ‘Is-it' friends - nay, for without their constant bombardments there would be no need for such resilient protection of the golden white line! - Schalk Burger; what can you say. That man was every where, hitting everything with the ball in hand then back in defence doing all again. He knew he played a blinder, he knew he'd won, but he was also a gentleman when he conceded, "Luckily we got through that one. I thought the Aussies played really well." - Meanwhile he's secretly killed every servant in his house and has them locked up in the Granny flat!

But it was the ‘Is-it's' who finally did the sneaking home 22-19 with exceptional thanks to the man who fool predicted before the match to be the most exciting thing in rugby since Serge Blanco - it was of course young Bok Francois Steyn. Two drop goals from 50m's is good in anyone's book, but his first from the right hand touch line was just sublime. Don't tell the fool drops aren't part of the game - they're as important as their platform and skills of a set-piece - just don't over do them or get over penalised. - Or pick your nasal hairs!

Enough of that, have this:

What can you say about the All Black's tanning of the Canadian fur trappers? I can tell you that those Moose-heads are big buggers and are hard to shift, and the New Zealanders found that out too. But they eventually got their man and handed them a 64-13 post mortem.

Rueben Thorne who captained the side and is incidentally dropped from the 22 altogether for the S.A game said, "It was just messy really and the guys are well aware of that, so we have got a long way to go before we reach where we want to be." - I want to be under the sea, in an octopus' garden in the shade...

Cannuck skipper Morgan Williams was reflective on a proud Canadian performance and said so, "When you play against opposition like the All Blacks, it's hard to expect to win but I think we put in a good effort today." - Do you think he's of Taffy decent, and wasn't he a pirate - Governor of Jamaica and whence a rum?

Moving onto this week's game in Durban, where the Boks will play the All Blacks, Canadian coach Rick Suggitt said of the AB's' performance against Canada (Still with me?) - "What will they learn? That they got to work harder against South Africa next week." - His grammar not fool's.

And yes by all rights it should be a humdinger. S.A have pulled themselves up to 2^nd in the IRB rankings and aint that the truth. And that tosser Henry's at it again - just tell me if I'm paranoid about this gloating, effortlessly conceited hairy caterpillar of a toss; "We understand that coming here is the biggest challenge we have in world rugby. I think we have only won one in four here since this management group has been together. But it is the challenge we find most stimulating." - Hmmm, doesn't sound so bad now I re read it. He's still a tosser though.

The All Blacks have only one intention when they brought in Anton Oliver in the front row - to physically out do the Boks. The other eight changes came as tough decisions, bar the locks as they've only got two left in Rawlinson and Flavell. But for the rest Henry gloated on an expansive squad, "We have a lot of competition for positions and this was a tough team to select." - Can you see his gloating head turning...can ya...can ya?

Henry calls the build up to big games crucial, and managed to give a disguised dig to the flailing Frogs from last week amid also paying the AB's a compliment, "Obviously if you have physical games leading into a Test that is a plus (Bitch bitch, the S.A's have a had a tough match already - it's not fair!), but last week (against France) the boys came off the field and quite a few of them said it was probably one of the fastest games they'd ever played in.' - Oh aren't we fucking good, and fast, and good...! - There, that was my dig.

Get off my page Henry - you're pissing me off.

Let's go back to fatty Dunning who is relishing the prospect of being quashed by Carl ‘the haystack' Hayman. There's no doubt it was Matt's finest 80 last week, and it stands to reason to pit yourself. But it's what the little philosophical blubber barrel of Jap food says that makes him humble, "He (Carl) is world class. He is the best. So I will be able to see how good (I am) after that, I guess." - We like Matt in fool-land.

Let's move on and listen to Schalk on the Blacks; "Have a look at them; they are a pretty awesome side, an all round rugby side, so preparation is going to be the key this week." He goes on, "The big thing about the All Blacks is they are tough up front and brilliant out wide." - Argh bollocks man!

Right, I've had enough of that - Blacks win by 19!

Other rugby smalls - Dally does look like to be in the World Cup squad for England - did anyone really think he wouldn't be?

Dilly

Jonno is sceptical as he noted he's on 80 caps and if he were to have another trot he'd pass his own cap mark, and as he said, "We can't have that."

Jonno also laid huge praise on the big E swilling good time lad, and when asked if he was like Golden Balls' replied, "Is he like Beckham? Having Dally in the squad in 2003 was huge. I was the captain but he added so much in terms of leadership. He's world class."

Ashton went on to reiterate his presence, stating his choice was not so much down to his muscle and leadership qualities but more so his in-form playing...form; "Someone like Lawrence is never off the radar for a whole variety of reasons.", said Ashton - And he's a great chemist.

Martin Cory got player of the year in the Guinness Premiership and Welshman James Hook best youngster - him and Steyn in the same team would be nice.

Results:

Nations Cup: Emerging Springboks 24 - 10 Argentina ‘A' - pardon!

Specific Nations Cup: Junior All Blacks 50 - 0 Australia ‘A' - pardon!

‘Argh' Shute Shield: good old Gordon 26 - 0 West Harbour

‘Trading Places'' Randwick 41 - 12 Parra'doesn't'mattaa

And now, is that cricket?

And no murders or as it turned out, no non-murders this week just straight talking, from the hip, of the bag-o-shite pedigree.

The Windies may have lost by seven wickets in the Chester-le-Street - is that real? Test. But that Shiv Chanders only lost one of them...all freakin tour! Or so it seemed.

Chunders out

In this last Test he batted for 17 hours and 40 minutes - notching a 136* and 70 odd. Gayle got a few here and there. The rest were pretty shite with the willow, but the Chunder-fella. He som-ink else!

He once batted for 25 hours and 13 minutes and is the only man to be unbeaten - three times - for a 1000 minutes a pop! - Savvy? Comprende? Get my drift?

But it wasn't all the Chunder show - Monty got another 5 for - on the lushest of pitches too. He also took a peach of a wicket from Devesh Ramdin or Ram-done! - Pitched leg stump and hit off. When the Monts calmed down he said, "I guess it was a perfect left arm spinner's dismissal with the ball drifting a bit, pitching leg and hitting the top of off. I enjoyed that one a lot." - He went on to say he has long fingers which helps!

got loads of these moves

He has just helped his way into the ICC top ten bowlers too, after his 23 wicket haul against the Windies - joint 6^th with Hoggard.

Levi also came to the party this week and propped up a wilting middle order with 77 and said it was all in the stars; "I am a firm believer that these things run in cycles. This series my contribution has been modest but next time when someone else maybe struggling, it will be my turn to come to the party.' - Too many party's, especially after the ‘Fredalo' incident.

Strauss

Strauss: the first to 3000 Test runs in the quickest time - three years and 30 days - A day quicker than Graeme Smith and two quicker than Allan Border.

We'll not get carried away with this win but Harmy also looked tuned - Donald seems to have done his job. The Vaughan said, "Monty produced his magic again and Steve Harmison was back to somewhere near his best." - GBH

But the Vaughan says a lot of things doesn't he - it's that Yorkshire brashness you know! He's quit as ODI captain, a thing he's known about doing for a while - "Since our disappointing performances in the World Cup I have given careful consideration to the best way forward fro the one-day team and my role in it." - Out of it more like.

It's odds on certain the Colly fella will get the nod, but not without Vaughan sounding cool - for a Yorkshire-man - "I know I said split captaincy doesn't work but, if it's going to work, it will probably work with someone like me because I'm pretty chilled." - He's taking the piss...isn't he?

He does feel better knowing that Adam Holliake said it was ok and that it worked for Waugh and Ponts, but it was this resounding notion that swung the pendulum; "I was at home chatting with my wife a couple of weeks ago and knew there and then I had to go." - And there he went - off with that mysterious Pakistani cab driver who is a mate of Stresco's!

Peter Moores said, "I think we can view the change as a positive thing." - Look at this picture - if I remember to put it on later - and tell me - shouldn't the Moores fella be in the 1966 England World Cup winning team photo?

1966!

So lastly; go Colly!

And Graeme Hick has just become the 16^th person to reach 40,000 first class runs - well done Graeme. - Did you notice; two Graeme's this week - both spelt G-r-a-e-m-e!

Udder sports:

"If there is a continuous invasion of privacy, then we will have to find somewhere to live to avoid that. If it happens we will not be driven by something fiscal." - That was Ron Dennis on Hamilton's impending fame - which is getting bigger than Dallas!

Seven races seven pods, the last two on the top tier - he's happy - "It's a great leap for me and my career and I owe a lot to my family, to God and to the team." - All well and good Lewis, but you did it.

No way Al

"It was very tough but Fernando fought very well, he's very professional. But in the end I managed to control the race." - That's more like it.

F ‘bitch' Alonso clawed his way back to HQ and said, "After last week, when I said they were happier when Hamilton won, they are now being more careful with their manners." - Sure they are Fez.

But he does have a point heading into Europe - "When we get back to Magny- Gaus and Silverstone we start the season and the real fight." - Have it.

****

Ricky Hatton's having it - having it with Luis Castillo on Saturday in Vegas. Ricky's heading into the ring with a colourful cape and a sombrero. He was going to ride a donkey but he's allergic to them!

It's all tongue in cheek and has nothing but respect for the Mexican Luis, and is even called the ‘Manchester Mexican' himself, which he dotes on seen as the Hispanics and especially the Mexicans have the biggest following in the boxing world. He says, "When I go out for a drink in Las Vegas, all the Mexicans come up to me and say, Oh, the British Mexican.' And they are genuine about what they say." -

when in Mexico!

After a few more drinks Ricky said, "With me wearing a sombrero perhaps Castillo could wear a flat cap with a bookies pen behind his ear." -He then fell off his stool

Dong; time some world news:

Let's have a lookie; argh what, again? Nudefest 2007 is taking place this weekend in Newperra Holiday Park Newquay Cornwall - 300 of the bare arsed nuddies are having a hoe-down. Another 200 are ‘celebrating' in the Garden of Eden in the nearby Eden project. Oh, they have live music side shows, learn about massage, arts and crafts, hang on...massage!!!  Body-painting - naturally - yes of course naturally and belly dancing - surely it'll be all dancing - and all to the tuneful delights of 70's mega band Edison Lighthouse. Aint nowt as queer as folk, folks.

even the trees go bare

Paul Collins is 28 and he ate 56feet of stinging nettles in Marshwood Dorset. He's now Paul Collins, still 28, World nettle Champion. Well done Paul.

Paul Collins

Marilyn Monroe's white dress, the one that blows up in the street...with me still? - From the 1955 film 7 Year Itch... anyway, it's the most iconic movie dress of all time, mate. Audrey Hepburn's black number from Breakfast in Tiffany's was second. Guy Ritchie told Madonna to go and buy a little black number - she came back with an orphan from Uganda!

back to body painting

Anyway, Jesscia Rabbit's red number was third, from Who Framed Roger Rabbit - who did? And Julia Roberts's spotty number from Pretty Woman was 4^th, with Shazza Stone's muff; no sorry, white dress in Basic Instinct was 5^th.

I see Ozzy didn't get in there. He used to wear Sharon's dresses all the time when he ran out of booze and Sharon had hid all of his clothes, to stop him going to the offie to get more booze - he simply donned her dresses, with a dainty pair of hob-nail Nazi boots and trundled off down the offie, to buy more booze - you can't stop Ozzy...when he's on the booze.

An 87 year old man was at his own Buddhist funeral in Taiwan when he suddenly sat bolt upright and was found not to be dead at all. - You'd think they'd check wouldn't you. Mind you, that has happened all the time apparently; when graveyards have been moved for various reasons and coffins exhumed there have been many cases of finger nail scrapes and marks on the inside of coffin lids. I don't even want to think about that...move on...quickly...move on...

Are you dead?

Bernard Manning died this week aged 76 - Doh - live stuff, no more dead stuff - ok. Anyhow he just did a show, a month ago, for Channel 4 called This Was Your Life! Afterwards he said to the audience, "I'll be with you for a long time yet." - Don't count your chickens in this life.

I counted a chicken...arghh

Ok, back to Ozzy, and he and Sharon have obviously felt they're not getting enough attention in the media, so they lifted the lid on their son Jack and him shagging lag Paris Hilton. Who is definitely not shagging anyone these days, ‘cept maybe flicking the pea with ...who was the hard nut in Cell Block H? Anyway, Ozzy said she used to be around their house all the time and thought she was friends with Amy or Kelly. Sharon told him she was Jack's friend, to which he replies, "He didn't shag her did he? Well done my son!" - Good old Ozzy.

Ozzy?

What's the matter fool, haven't you got any news this week?

Bloody hecklers!

Here we go...Umm...Mike Oldfield's guitar; the one he used on Tubular Bells, in fact the only six string electric guitar used on the album, and in fact which used to be Marc Bolan's, who incidentally his real name is Mark Field!. Anyway, the guitar is up for auction and is reckoned to fetch between £25-35k. Other stuff at the Rock n Roll and film memorabilia auction are Superman's cozzie and Stan Laurel's and Oliver Hardy's kilts!

Mikes first album

Ok, let's see, one more; the Vienna Library is remodelling and expanding but they're a tad short of funds, so they've set up a premium rate phone line - about 30p a minute - where folk can listen to film and stage star, Anne Bennet read extracts from the library's extensive Victorian erotica fiction section. - Beautiful.

Bill Gates' Victoria erotica!

It is La Dolce Vita.

Just cf it

cf