15th - 21st july 2011 volume 441
July, 20th 2011 14:37 PM

“it’s blown up the West End now it’s spreading through the City”

(The Jam)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lads – The One With Mindback Feedbend

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 21.7.11                                           

For Elements of: Joint medical Command

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Going for a bomb

In the echoing reverberations of voice-hacking scandals surrounding Britain’s shores, half it’s media and police force have resigned or been arrested or both.


 

The Royal Navy, it seems, not wanting to feel left out of a scurrilous summer, immediately leaked its own bombshell by way of a 2000lb WWII mine, which they then dutifully lost eight nautical miles off the coast of Essex.

 

Amongst thousands of unexploded bombs around the waters of Britain this was considered a ‘monster’ that needed to be tamed, however, when the time came to detonate, they realised it was missing.

 

Manoeuvres went swimmingly at first, which contained a dredger with the device secured on a floating structure. However, as the weather turned a Coast Guard Agency spokesman confirmed the worst

 

‘They were lowering it down, the conditions were quite poor and the bomb became mislaid.’ They were quoted to say.

 

A Royal Navy spokesman hastily re-quoted that quote and was quoted in saying, ‘They know where the mine is. They put it down on the seabed and they won’t lose track of it. It’s never been lost.’

 

Despite being a 70 year-old German bomb it is still in good condition, however flyers have been sent to local fishermen asking, ‘have you seen this bomb?’ with a reward of spoils of the catch for any information.


 

Job hunting


A jobless man in America has proffered himself to be hunted as human prey in desperation to get back in the working world and redeem his self esteem.

 

Advertising on his website huntme4sport.com Mork Encino from Utah has put himself on the market for $10,000 and for an additional $2,000 he will run around the woods naked.

 

‘I seek hearty gents who fancy themselves sportsmen and bored of the usual game. I am a new breed of prey with a thick pelt and smooth hide.’ It says on his web site.

 

‘If I am trapped and killed you stand to earn the respect of your fellow hunters and a prize human mount for your wall and all income from any organ harvest.’

 

Meanwhile British swimmer Dr Julie Bradshaw has just completed a swim around Manhattan Island using only the butterfly stroke netting her the accolade of world’s first person to do so in the process.

Dr Bradshaw, known as, ‘Madfish’ completed the 28.5 miles in 9hours 28 minutes. Authorities caught sight of her as she passed the Statute of Liberty where local sports fishermen were held back with water cannon.

 

It is thought the British Royal Navy have since been in touch asking if she would like to team up Mork in what could be a once in a lifetime payout.


 

Something for the weekend?

A Russian burglar got more than he bargained for when he was captured by his victim and held as a sex slave for three days.

 

Viktor Jasinski broke into a beauty salon owned by Olga Zajac who overpowered him and knocked him unconscious. She then fed him Viagra, stripped him naked and tied him to a radiator in a back room with hairdryer flex.

 

Three days later he was released but so traumatised was he by the ordeal that he complained to police with, amongst other injuries, swollen testicles.

 

Partially deaf Olga wasn’t amused; ‘What a bastard.’ She said, ‘Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1000 roubles when he left.’

 

Viktor admitted breaking an entry with intent to steal but insisted it was only roubles and not new balls he was seeking.

 

The case continues…  

 

Meanwhile ex Russian president Vladimir Putin is fast becoming the modern day Rasputin, as an online campaign led by ‘Putin’s Army’ has vowed to strip in order to re-instate him at next year’s elections.

 

A model representing Putin’s Army has taken to the streets of Moscow dressed in a black suit, white top, red lipstick and high heels with a banner saying, ‘I will tear my clothes off for Putin’.

 

Women are urged to follow suit with all entries going into a draw to win an iPod2. Opposition parties claim the blue campaign is a cheap shot, but for the economy it may well be the money shot so sorely needed.


 

 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Steering mercifully clear of Russia’s roubles and anything remotely connected to Boney M’s Rasputineous past I’ve opted to plug for a new feature in fool’s scribble with an interactive quest from you; by way of you getting things off your chest of what’s been griping your grinding’s this week, much similar to fool’s old edition of what used to get up his goat, in his wick and round his nose, yes folks it’s time for a Get It Off Your Chest Request – send me that song that soothes the soul and calms the blood, be it a Dean Martin classic clinking in the background as you envisage hammering that final nail to your bosses head as he lay strapped to a chair swarmed by a beard of bees weighing 4st 3lb’s, which is around one bee heavier than lightweight Chinese man Wang Dalin could handle recently or a tad more sedate in with something like Kermit the Frog sat on the middle step of his stairs whilst all around burns in a fury to Arthur Brown’s satanic chime as he comes to terms with the fact at 26ft statue of Marlin Monroe in Chicago is larger than his devout Miss Piggy’s life… so, this week we’ll kick off with Kermit’s grievance and play him a wee clip to remind his wife who’s wife she is just in case she forgot before heading into Arthur’s soother…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘How long does it bloody well take… I’ll have two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please.’ Sblodgenessabounds, 31 years later

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 


They’re at the Hard Rock Café in Saigon this Saturday – can’t you read!

 

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

 

Animal news


*An Australian man is recovering in hospital after being gored by a horn in Spain’s annual running with the bulls in Pamplona. Meanwhile a Spanish counter part was arrested for public disturbance after he was tossed in the air by a bull whilst running the same event naked.

 

*A lake monster in Australia’s Gold Coast caused a stir amongst the region to such an extent that famous shark hunter Paul Burt was called in to catch the beast of Evandale Lake. However, live coverage on the Today programme reeled footage of the big catch to be nothing but a duck. - The office of tourism was not available for comment.

 

*The World Snail Racing Championship took place in Norfolk this week with contestants from all over the globe aiming to break the infamous record by Archie of two minutes set 10 years ago. Alas the record wasn’t broken as Zoomer, owned by local lad Anton Lucas came in first with a time of 3m 23s. However, the six year old was over the moon, ‘It’s lovely to win. I’m going to set it free in the woods.’ – Hunters are said to be taking no chances, as three squirrels, two toads and one Big Foot have already been handed in to Utah’s Gaming office believed to be Mork Encino in disguise.

 


Number crunching


 

*Police in Mexico found the largest marijuana field of 3000 acres containing 109 tons of the drug worth £100million. Concealed by black netting to offer shade and camouflage the weed reared in a tomato growing region is thought to belong to the Sinaloa cartel. The crop will be burnt, which is believed will spark the biggest party covering a distance of up to 120 miles downwind for over a week.

 

*Star Wars mad Jacob French is walking 3,106 miles from Perth to Sydney dressed as a Storm trooper. Pushing a buggy with his essential supplies Jacob plans to cover 35-40 km’s a day. He is raising funds for Starlight’s Children’s Foundation – a true light sabre – I’m sorry, I have a cold.

 

*At last, Pippa Middleton’s arse is to be made out of crumpets. Two giant mosaics were commissioned by Beefeater Grill No.1 after a poll quizzed 2000 people of who their favourite breakfast companion would be. Food artist Laura Hartland is behind the 15,000 tonne project that took 24 hours to complete. 100 jars of butter, jam and marmite were used as shading to depict the 13m x 20m mosaics of her bottom and face. Customers said they can’t wait to tuck in.

 

*A love letter sent from Pittsburgh in 1958 to a fellow student in Pennsylvania has finally been delivered. Lost for 53 years; the final part of the letter to Clark Moore, now 70, reads, ‘I still love you more than ever and love you a thousand times more. Please write me real soon. Love forever. Vonnie.’ – Oh, what could have been eh, no joke there, just a love letter – bollocks isn’t it.

 

*A car/ plane from the US has just been legalized in Britain where 20 have been signed up already. The Terrafugia Transition with wings that fold in 15 seconds costs £150k. Using normal petrol it does 35 miles to the gallon with a top land speed of 65mph or 115mph airborne. It has a range of 500 miles and designer Carl Dietrich says of the machine that can fit in a single car garage, ‘It is the first practical flying car’ – if you live in a field.

 

*Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II broke box office records with £104 million taking, however, author of Willy the Wizard, who claims JK stole his idea has had to drop the case against her, as a price tag of £1.6 million is necessary to bring to the case to court. The author has also since died, which doesn’t make proceedings easy.

 

*Pregnant woman Emma Venesse from Sutton Coldfield Birmingham is hooked on furniture polish and has so far finished off three cans. Her husband isn’t too happy but then like all junkies she needs her fix, ‘I’d be polishing the telly and then turn my back on him to have a taste. When he found out he wasn’t happy.’ She says Asda’s Smart Price is the best, as the others are all too perfumed.’ – However if you’d just want to get down and dirty then why not join in South Korea’s annual mud festival where revellers wallow around in mineral rich mud playing games such as mud sliding, mud wrestling followed by a dip in a mud tub. The festival in Daecheon Beach, in its 14th year, brings awareness to the £32m economy in the cosmetic industry – well, at least someone’s cleaning up.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

 


 

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