January, 21st 2010 19:46 PM
“Nice girls not one with a defect,
Cellophane shrink-wrapped, so correct.
Red dogs under illegal legs,
She looks so good that he gets down and begs”
(Elvis Costello)
‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in
crazy fool’s newsround
in that order
(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)
Plus the radio show – with a new look!
That was the week weren’t it;
The scene: fool is perched upon a bowed Aquilaria branch stretching over a sun kissed lake. He’s eating peppercorns and chocolate, a taste he acquired from the halcyon days of way back when he used to eat chocolate with peppercorns. Every now and then he hides from autumn’s falling leaves, it’s not autumn where he larks, but he knows somewhere in the world it is always autumn; usually around the perimeters of 1974 on Woodside Road, next to Shenstone Park. Back in this halcyon day he clambers round the Aquilaria trunk and sees Elvis sat in his spot on the branch, licking his whiskers. Elvis is a giant catfish with dark markings about the eyes which give him an uncanny resemblance to Elvis Costello, so uncanny it was almost spooky how no one else could see it.… Somewhere a frog croaks…
Frog: Aye, arve, gadzooks, I think I’m done for.
Elvis: Buuurp!
Frog: (echoes from the fish’s pit)…it was the feesh, it was the feesh, first he ate my kids, now me…bustardo!
Elvis: Hey, what can I say, one spawn every minute!
Narrator: And now over to something less painful… Roll the quiz, yep, that’s it, that big rock there…yep, that’s it, roll it:
Doesn’t look anything like him…or a fish!
1. If you knew Susie like I knew Susie, what is she like?
2. Chad Varah founded which charity?
3. A diamond is made up of which element?
4. Which of the following is not left handed – Tim Menman, Brian Lara or Martina Navratiloaravioli?
5. If music is diminuendo it gradually becomes what?
6. The adventure yarn
7. Which everyday food item contains the protein casein?
8. When Disney’s seven dwarfs set off to work, what are they mining for? A) Gold B) Diamonds C) Coal
Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com
cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!
WHO AM I? – 2010 – No takers for cluethree, which doesn’t possess half the ring-tone of cluetwo, but is nevertheless marginally better than clueone. Here’s the first two again: “With a twinkle in my eye I let all the children boogie” – cluetwo… “I share the same birthday as Elvis.” “Brung up down the road from fool, I turned out a bit more Weird and Gilly!”
Is it me?
Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 4: bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)
With all the ones and the brackets:
The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars
Dracule:
Legal Eagle:
Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1 (1)
Casualty:
Aye:
Others:
Let’s move on shall we:
Quote(s) for the week:
Bloodnok: What’s the matter with you this morning, Seagoon? Why have you got such a long face?
Seagoon: Heavy dentures, sir.
The Goon Show
*Non-descript trivia moment*
DEGREES OF FREEMASONRY
11°…Sublime Knight, Chevalier Elect…11°
12°…Grand Master Architect…12°
13°…Royal Arch of Enoch…13°
14°…Scottish Knight of Perfection…14°
15°…Knight of the Sword & of the East…15°
fool’s Gold
- Three thousand rats were specially bred for the film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
- Dolphins jump out of the water to conserve energy. It is easier to move through the air than through the water
- Spat-out food is called chanking
Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:
“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”
Names are often given because of their original meanings. The Doc got a little curious to find names that are of a negative origin. Here are a few:
Cecelia - blind.
Marie - sea of bitterness.
Claudia - disabled.
Mallory - unfortunate.
Tristan - riot.
Cameron - crooked nose.
Blaise - lisp/stutter.
Phineas - serpent's mouth.
Kennedy - helmet head.
Do you know anyone that fits the bill?
Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:
Delays – the protagonist of procrastination, the proponent of prolong, the prophecy of the four horses of the apocalypse, which was a bit of a let down on the ‘p’ alliteration, I have to say, yet it did still cling on to that phonetic bridge… sort of! And to quite what impending doom an apocalyptic rainfall has to do with delays I’m not sure. Nevertheless, it did course merrily along the inevitable yet sceptical allurement of proposing to actually get on with this rant, there’s the delay, right there, did you catch it; delayed, no matter how annihilating it may end up! But hold on to your knockers ye olde begrudgers, for this rant was solely banked on the preposterous notion of finding a plug to crank up the old scribbling machine, yes, a common, household adaptor plug, found in any supermarket within any 150m sweaty walk. fool has recent switched caves and sub-sequentially been using two different computers to compute stuff – in two different rooms, he has, until recently, only had one plug, which is enough to fuel one machine, on which he gathers info and stays in touch with the world, whilst the other begins it’s new life and slowly embraces itself into its new surroundings, but more’s to the point, has all the foolery stuff on it – fifteen minutes of that and the other machine needs a re-boost to recharge it’s battery...but why not transfer all the stuff onto the other computer machine? I hear you cry, to which I say, ‘what? Do you want this rant to delay farther than what is already necessary! So take your smarty computer knowledgeable mind off your smirk and listen. Now, that single plug episode had a knock on effect like Elvis on a jelly khazi. The ‘plug’ scenario, as aforementioned in its dilly-dally-ness, managed to temporize the average daily planning for many a day there after – still with me? Why, I this week alone I missed a morning’s scratch, the final episode of the Chinese detective series translated into Thai and forgot to put onions in my gravy for dinner – hmmm, gravy and onion dinner, there’s a dinner for you, but it’s nothing like it without the onion I tell you, nothing. I’m an ill-patient man at the best of times and if you want to sit there and tell me I’m rocking from the third person to the second then you’re only delaying a certainty, so don’t delay – get on with it – delays - Bastards!
Things that are just Sweet Love:
The smell of paint. The sense of achievement it brings. The nostalgia it evokes from workman-like days gone by. The grind, the dust, the dust…the dust…sand-papering, oh my pugnacious pulmonaries, all that dust, all those chippings…eh, eh, what was that? Chips, hmmm chips…chips and gravy. Chips and gravy and dust… aaarrrggghhh, forget the dust…happy thoughts, happy thoughts…the smell of paint, the smell of paint, just paint. Just you and the paint…paint…paint…paint, oh, sweet paint…
A viewer’s favourite haystacks from
Let’s look at rocks:
And now this bit:
Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…
Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam Cracking live music too.
Have you had yours today?
GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.
Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras,
Not just a walk in the park
Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in
Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in
Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in
Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in
Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.
Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?
See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:
*Digger; still on that footy trip
*Trigger: with his brother
*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:
Playing NOW the one with:
Randall
Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!
*Tit-bits – .../……/…IT Help Desk…/…/…/…
*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said
*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’
*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you
*Classifieds
House for rent; District 1 HCMC,
HP Deskjet F2280 Printer, copy, scanner; SOLD – contact the fool if interested in the ‘fat’ house!
*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…we’re two strings from the water…ah-ooh-ah-ah…the little fishes are following me…ah-ooh-ah-ohh…I’ve always been a Cavaliar…’
Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -
*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko
Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)
Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!
Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity
We’ll take a T-shirt
This bit is the rugby bit:
“And it’s a try by Hika the hooker from Ngongotaha.”
(Bill McLaren Lest we forget)
Published 21.1.10
Plenty of action under-foot in the HC, but you’d be hard-pressed to not to notice that the English and Welsh clubs aren’t fairing too well at this crucial knockout stage. Unlike last year when there were about 9 English clubs in the last 8, with Ireland’s Leinster still winning it! This year the French and
Also, things are hotting up in the wings of Super14’s arena, as both runners and riders are chomping at the bit to kick off their season.
Heineken Cup:
Guinness Premiership: not tonight Josephine
Top 14: see Josephine
Magners League: tey-hey-de-hay-de-fuck - Josephine
Some shorts:
The Super14’s are coming and everyone’s jostling for positions, warm up games are crackling left right and centre and The Git still isn’t captain.
He’s gone to Brumbies now where Stephen Hoiles will wear the armband, but to keep him company in the senior ranks are Mortlock, Moore, Chapman and that ape
DC is pumped to be back at the Crusaders, whilst eye-gouger Burger reins in the Stormers with Jacque Fourie and that smarmy little bastard, yet darn fine player, Habana.
Before all that we have the Six Nations; and not making the grade through injuries this week are: England’s Paul Sackey with a busted cheekbone and Tom Croft out with the same knee he did before – we told him about that.
Wales have lost Dwayne Peel through a groin injury and
And so I’ll leave you with the sad demise of ‘the voice of rugby’ Bill McLaren who died aged 86. The old PE teacher with an OBE CBE and MBE was probably more passionate about rugby than God Himself. I’ll leave you with one of his personal recollections; “I’ve still got the fictional reports I used to write when I was a boy of 7 or 8.
fool says:
Some competitions now:
WIN a PRIZE!
John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one.
Same deal; if you send in a team that has 8 or more names identical to fool’s, you win a prize.
If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!
15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
end rugby here!
Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:
In a week where the ECCS (English Cricket Club Saigon), gallantly led by Wasps, Lions and England star Simon Shaw, secured the final berth at the much acclaimed world famous Karon Stadium, Phuket Mindlessly Pie-eyed Tour; Levi stunned the rest of the world and a Wanderers crowd by dismissing himself on the first ball of the fourth Test; a feat not seen Stan Worthington in 1936.
Brigadier Block and Bell-end stood their ground on 115-4, whilst Lieutenant Leave did, and Trott too, as he was ushered back to the Pavilion before he could even muster a prance let alone a canter.
The Boers, Dale Steyn finally came to the party and skittled England’s wayward mindset for 180 all out, bagging himself 5 fer 51 and wondering why ‘Bunny’ Onions, the saviour of the series, was left out; “Ah, Sir Graham! He’d have been a handful on this wicket.” – He mused.
By Day 3
Graeme Smith went onto get a thousand and
All was not all despondency though, as they drew the series 1-1, drew the Twenty/20 and won the ODI’s, Though it has to be said, with a bit of luck. They battled hard, showed a lot of resilience, and produced the occasional rabbit trick courtesy of Onions’ steely stare.
Steyn, Morkel and Parnell enjoyed Jo’burg’s bouncy pitch forcing Levi to honourably admit, “We’re not good enough at this stage, that’s the simple answer.” Nevertheless it is clearly coming; Swann picked up Man of the Series with 21 wickets and lest we forget his 85 at Centurion. Then Cook and
Back? Ok, on the other side there’s no-one who relishes a fight with the English more than Smith who top scored with…I can’t remember…was it a billion! Not far behind him was the stoic AB de Villiers and Boucher.
But enough of that tosh, let’s go to the Oz farm where the ‘Baggies’ nurtured their 5th out of 6 Test wins of the summer and breezed past Pakistan on Day 5 of the third Test by 231 runs. That sealed a 3-0 series victory and indeed four 3-0 series wins on the trot against
Shane Watson at opener confirmed The Punts belief in him with a fine series, as too did Hauritz, who more than silenced his critics with 18 wickets. Haddin picked up his 100th catch off a Siddle strike on Shoab Malik… hang on, how do you pick up a catch! Which is incidentally how captain Mohammad Yousuf saw the series lost – on their 16 dropped catches – there, there’s that paradox again – Tip, Tip from down the pub – can you explain it please?
All oxymoron’s besides; The Punts got this game’s MoM with a knock of 204 & 89 and Yousuf was quick to tug his forelock to the Aussies; “Yes they (Australia) are a good team because they have a good side, good players, all good players, and they have good batsmen and bowlers and a wicket keeper averaging in the early 40’s (with the bat) so they are a good side.” – Ok, enough already, they are a good side. Bit old to keep wicket though aint he!
Ok, lastly, England’s Irishman, who is Welsh, Eoin Morgan, has been snapped up by the Royal Challengers Bangalore for £134k, whilst the bigger bucks in this week’s player’s auction paid out for Windies Keiron Pollard and Black Cats Shane Bond for £450k. The bargain basement deal went to old head Damien Martyn at £60k – he joins Warney at the Rajasthan Royals.
No Pakistanis were picked. The Indian government said they wouldn’t get visas. Afridi said they were being, ‘made fun of’. – You can catch it all on YouTube – I’m going for a processed meat and tomato sandwich.
That’s it for this week
Other sports:
Ireland’s Louk Sorenson 25 became the first Irish fella to go through to round two of any tennis Open; he did it in
Equally confusing is Pretty Boy’s next fight, well, not his fight exactly but his CEO of Goldon Boy Promotions, Rod Schaefer’s and his comments for up-coming fight with Shane Mosely 38. He said, “In boxing there are three truly super mega fights. This is one of them.” – I’m not sure what the other two are, nor how this became one of the three, seen as he was to fight Manny but then chickened out, then he was supposed to fight Andre Berto, but he sadly had to pull out as he has relations in Haiti and now he’s to fight Shane, who, no offence mate, is No.3, but not super mega No.3, but then neither was Andre! So what are the three super mega fights in boxing?
We'll miss you
And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:
fool’s been following the Ricky Hatton’s burn fat in two weeks diet, and is a week in – it’s rubbish Ricky. Unintentionally fool has had – no beer, no smokes (not many anyway), no pollution and no late night curries…what is all that about! I’ve never felt so bloody unhealthy in my life. I’ve comforted that void with a glass of vino tinto every night and was astonished to find out that
Girls shopping burn 383 calories at a rate of 7,305 steps, which is about three miles. That’s 154 miles a year, which is about 4lb a month – 48lb a year, which is probably a couple of legs worth – half a year would get you a Heather McCartney and if you give her credit cards she’ll disappear in 4!
The world’s tallest man met the world’s smallest man this week. Sultan Kosen 8ft.1 (2.26m) – he’s the tallest – and Ping ping at 2ft 5 – 37 inches or 74.61cm’s (Smallest!). He only comes up to his knee – the smallest to the tallest that is… enough, enough.
Glyn Stott 34 is going to watch all 451 episodes of the Simpsons back to back with no sleep to celebrate their 20 years of being yellow. That’s 150 hours or six days with no sleep – good luck Glyn – yer mad bastard.
Now’t as queer as folk
Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘I’ve read Elvis Costello’s ‘Watching the Detectives lyrics several times now, and I’m still no clearer!’
Prince Wills has been swanning around
Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: Testiculating: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
Lilly Allen flew to
Lilly
New kiddies names predicted for 2010 (that’s now) are Neytiri, Toruk and Pandora – all from Avatar. Blinkbox.com equated the name craze according to films success at the box office, and a spokesman said, “Past the $600m barrier, the chance of a film for lending their name to a child increases.” – Was Shakira from the Jungle Book or was that Chak Khan!
The world’s most expensive ham – £1,800 for a 7kg lump – fact! The little piggies are left to roam free in Spain’s Extramadura region and encouraged to eat acorns and nuts - fact.
You can’t take that away from them, unlike Cadbury’s. I’ve tasted
‘Only the crumbliest, flakiest, tastiest chocolate’ – send in your favourite flake girl and fool will do some research – where she is, what she’s doing now etc – In fact he’ll even record a song!
On that note - ta ta
just cf it
cf
Other news
- • 27th Aug - 2nd Sept 2010 volume 395 - (September, 01st 2010 20:56 PM)
- • 20th - 26th August 2010 volume 394 - (August, 25th 2010 21:47 PM)
- • 13th - 19th August 2010 volume 393 - (August, 18th 2010 14:23 PM)
- • 6th - 12th August 2010 volume 392 - (August, 11th 2010 19:57 PM)
- • 30th July - 5th August 2010 volume 391 - (August, 04th 2010 19:51 PM)
- • 23rd - 29th July 2010 volume 390 - (July, 28th 2010 19:15 PM)
- • 16th - 22nd July 2010 volume 389 - (July, 21st 2010 17:45 PM)
- • 9th - 15th July 2010 volume 388 - (July, 14th 2010 21:15 PM)
- • 2nd - 8th July 2010 volume 387 - (July, 08th 2010 13:56 PM)
- • 25th June - 1st July 2010 volume 386 - (June, 30th 2010 20:59 PM)
