Crazy Fool's Newsround - 15th-21st Dec. '06' v.217

15th-21st Dec. '06' v.217
December, 21st 2006 19:52 PM

‘Twas eight bells before Christmas and little Spud was fast asleep.

Lay beneath the tree downstairs were gifts for her to keep.

I staggered home a later hour where stumble I came across

a fluorescent hooter of a nose, not on a reindeer but a horse.

I said to he, ‘thee kind fella, will yer mind out of my way,

for I'm playing Santa this hefty night and then I'll need to hit the hay.

He looked at me with blotchy eyes, doused red with nog and sherry,

‘then, who's the big fat bastard I've been carrying around with the big red belly?'

'Fuck me a talking horse' I said and lurched to grapple his reins,

‘come here you mutant stag ya I'll get you on the telly.'

Crash, bang and a wallop, ‘hold still ya galloping gnu.'

Too late, the house a wreck, the street awake, the missus in a hullabaloo

‘Hold this' I cry ‘while I get up. We're gonna make a packet,'

‘what are you doing you crazy fool' says missus cf, ‘you've caused an awful racket',

‘Sssh and hold the rein-dear, can't you see Santa and Rudolph are bona fide.

‘Rein-deer!' she bellowed, ‘you colossal arse, those are reins to Spud's hobby horse for her to ride '

Quick, before he comes ‘round, get onto the quiz:

1. Can you name, at least three, typical traditional food types connected to Christmas and countries?

2. Which planet was Mork from?

3. Which country invented snooker?

4. What material is used to make a sumo wrestling ring?

5. How is the wife of a Knight addressed?

6. What is a spinney?

7. If A is Alpha B is Bravo what is H?

8. The Equator passes through which three South American countries?

Answers as usual on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ comps & results page, along with oodles of other conundrum-ic delights.

In the WHO AM I? We had an entry...dun, dun, dun, duuuuuuunn...but it was wrong - arghh - it was not Basil Brush. So clue clue No.G, ‘I'm long and green and quite obscene, and will always get you burping, but one thing I confess I like is a great big pickled gherkin.'

Is it me?

Move along the bus please, move along...

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to pay homage, on this the last week before Christmas, to say ta very much to our sponsors - take it away *Pacharan - Feliv Navidad. *GTM - Merry Crimbo Cobber. *Fosters - Here's to you blue. *Blue Gecko - Chic mung giang sinh. *Vasco's - Kia Oro. *Bootlace Holidays - Buon Natale y Feliv Navidad y Nadolig Llawen, and *Inkslinger Tattoo's - Merry Clitoris - d'oh, anyone got a rubber!

Not me.

And now, featuring, in this week only, and others, probably, are *Digger and his Christmas dirt on tings Down Under in de AFL. *Trigger on how to spare those horses over the Yultide. *Comps & results, get em while they're free, they're lovely. *Tit-bits - it really is the titty season, so everyone it's time to get titty with it. *Poetry Corner - ‘Good King Wenscless last looked out on the feast of Steven, where the snow lay round and 'bout, neat and crisp and even, brightly shone the sun that morn, though the frost was cruel, when an old man cam in sight gathering winter fuel, he shot him the thieving bastard, ‘get off my land, and leave that wood where you found it.' *Grub-up, why it's giblets of goose stuffed with turkey feathers of course. *Sport - is all over as far as I'm concerned - *Ashes to *Ashes! *Archives - Noel, Yule, Chrissie, they're all Xmas olde names - and don't you just hate that fucking word - Xmas, Xmas my arse! Then there's *Advertising - gimme, gimme, gimme and last and very least *T.I.V - I promise I'll try, that's all I can do, leave me alone. I just want to be alone...here rat, here rat, play with daddy...

Ray boy

On the eggnog again eh? Steady.

But now its rugby time, so get your odd shaped baubles around this:

The international season has wrapped itself up for 2006, and to be honest the only present un-wrapped and playable with in 2007 would be a Kiwi, although it would be unfair to discard the green tank-top or some red mittens.

The yellow and green toy bath-tub turf board needs new batteries and the green and yellow Tonka Toy probably won't be used to affect until October, and then probably in a play-off with those white handkerchiefs, who it seems have already been used by the wankers! But having said that, by the time October does come the handkerchiefs might also be back on track!

Mental note - look out for the blue and white Matey soap, tough as old bastards and as slippery as fuck.

Too mental for ya?

Thats mental

Back to the handkerchiefs and England have indeed appointed a new head coach, although the position is probably temporary, 60 year old Brian Ashton is the man, a good attack coach, as everyone sees it, but according to ex Lion and Irishman Paul Wallace a lousy top dog. - Thanks Irishman

Ashton was in charge of Ireland in ‘97' in what was one of their more challenged years. Paul reckons he brought in some great attacking ideas but at the time the team needed stability, and quite frankly some boring and basic rugby. - Some folk are never happy eh.

Paul wasn't impressed with his managerial skills either and said, "When you become a head coach you have to have an aura of power and control as well as the personality to get on with everyone. Clive Woodward had it, but that's not the case with Brian." - Oh, I see, now everyone's pally with Clive again!

Clive, by the way just turned down Wales' offer of Director of Elite rugby for Wales. Haven't they been reading crazy fools? It's a made up job, a spurious squander of decoys and scape-goat-ism. If the winger plays bad will you hear that it was the D.E. R's picking? My arse will you. One man one job.

Anyway, Clive said no, as he's committed to the Director of Elite Athletics on the British Olympic Association till 2012. He's a bit savvy that Clive when you think about it eh - eh, what, don't want to think about it eh - ok, see if I care - bastards.

And now this...

Let's slip into something more painful - The Ashes:

To be honest I'd rather be in a freakin coffee shop or something alternatively as gay, talking to a fucking student or self righteous teacher or other such arsehole with too much time on their hands but to get a real life, gassing on and on to me about the fucking world, like they'd know, and giving it how free it is to be part of a society that can help just by seeing and noticing the depravity and problem of the world's problems and she/he then looks deep into my eyes full of sincerity and adolescent naïve shite, places their hand on mine begging the question of how we can help this cruel, cruel world, and I wonder how it is I stop my self from stabbing them repeatedly with my spoon until I bury the blunt utensil straight into their heart, scoop out their virgin soul and spitting it back in their faces before repeating the same process on my own than be 3-0 down in the Ashes - and all before Christmas!...No, hang on a minute, that's what I'd love to do - bar the actual listening to the freakin freak or even being in the coffee shop, perhaps just passing by and I saw them...perhaps...perhaps my head could just explode...perhaps I would be smeared in bacon and gnarled and gnashed at by a one legged lesbian who hasn't gotten her dole cheque yet that week and claims my body is her bod...perhaps I should look at this again in the morning.

pain to joy

Sorry about that, but I do feel better, and although it hurts, I've not forgotten chivalry, especially in sport. The Aussies did good, no better than that, they were no better or is it worse, than ruthless.

And despite the resounding echoes of "Fletcher out, Fletcher out' Punter has given the Fletch and Freddie a poignant but also helpful reminder, he suggested, "There are 11 guys in the team, or 13 in the squad, and it is very hard just to blame the coach and captain." - I personally blame it on the boogie.

recognise anyone?

Punts went on to summarize both their win and what was indeed England's loss, he said, "They haven't played anywhere as near as well as they would have liked, but in saying that I think we haven't given them the opportunities to play as well as they would have liked."

That was the be and end all of it, Australia played superbly as a team possessed, possessed with one thing on their mind, one thing that put them straight into training two weeks after losing the urn in 2005, one thing, that was to win it back, and win it back they did mostly on the practice grounds. England on the other hand, if not themselves milking the last years accolade, as opposed to, say ‘lazy' management decisions, for they, the players had spells of none other than individual brilliance. - Fuck, I promised I'd keep the sentences to a minimum this week.

Let's not forget that though, as Freddie said just 463 days after returning the urn, "I'm not quite sure how I can describe how I feel at the moment. I'm looking for words." - When he found them he said, "At times we showed how talented we are and some great things have emerged from this tour."

- Most notably Alistair Cook's resilient ton, Paul Collingwood's double decker, Kevin Pieterson's knock ‘n' gob, Matthew Hoggard's 7-109 on a flat pitch - regarded as one of the Ashes bowling moments of all time and Monty! Arghh Monty, Monty of El-Alemain or is it El-Adelaide or is it the Sikh of Tweak - 8 fa, first test against the Aussies, under the pressure he had, that's good man.

But hark I hear you Ausstastics cry, what about the winners? Of course I wouldn't forget ya, who could forget Warney - the transformer of cricket as we know it, the only man to do a bigger job in cricket was Kerry Packer. One short of his 700^th wicket - that's not child's play.

Neither too has it, was the old man's job the other end, McGrath job. As Cook said after his 116, "You have someone who has almost 700 Test wickets at one end and someone with more than 500 at the other so it's hard work." - Not child's play.

McGrath didn't mind the ‘Dad's Army' jibes as so he shouldn't if you're giving the banter you have to be able to take it, and that old fella's still got it.

army marches on its feet

Then there's the Punts, who it seems would stroll into most teams through many of the decades of cricket as captain. And personally quick on the hoof of the Punts, and who for many a year was left on the shelf is that slut Hussy!

And yes, Gilly did make a quick 100.

A bit of kissing and hugging that went on despite old heads of the past calling for blood was when McGrath acknowledged Cook for, ‘batting exceptionally well', and of Bell, "definitely a different batsman from the one who played us in 2005. He is prepared to come down the wicket to Shane. It's looking good for England in the future."

Bell also had time for some Aussie lauding, when he said after hitting the ‘devils number of 87, "It was nice Warne congratulated me. That's the way Australia play their cricket - they play it tough but if someone does well they congratulate him. They have been very good like that." - Hang on, I'm not sure he's lauding them or himself now!

Them or me?

Anyway, moving on and I'll not hack on about how Goochy wants a tour selection reform, and how he says of the situation needs a few ‘checks and balances', but leave Punter with the last words on their Ashes victory, "Surely it has to be too frail to fly back to Lords! I think it would certainly look very good in the Cricket Australia offices.' - Don't bet on it Punts.

Next test starts Boxing Day - know why it's called that?

In other sport:

Phil ‘the power' Taylor's vying for his 14^th world darts win. He's gotta wait till Boxing Day till he takes on Irishman Mick ‘O'Mick McGowan, in a ‘bout' which ‘the power' likens to Benn v Eubank! - Ugh - exactly. Anyhow, he bought a new Ferrari the other day, but had to take it back before he got the keys in the ignition because his wife reckoned it was a crumpet magnet. He went out and bought a Bentley - surely that's a high classed Middle Eastern whore magnet!

has he got one of these?

A quick story about Welshman Joe Calzaghe the undefeated WBO and IBF super middle-weight champion of the world. You know, the bloke who got pipped by Zara Philips for BBC's sports personality of the year. Anyway, when he beat up top Yank Jeff Lacy last year, his coach (Lacy's) said, "I have never seen a better performance by any fighter, anywhere in the world." - Well done Zara!

He shoots he scores

David that is called Beckham has insured his body for £100m - that's just for injury on the field. It covers serious illness and disfigurement and probably spots caused by dirty mud. And guess what, he's still the highest paid footballer even taking a drop in wages from £17.3 - £15.5.

Need some Christmas gifts?

Indian man Santhri Sounaragiu 25 won silver in the women's 800m's in the Asian games...I'll leave it at that.

Or how about this?

Voted top moment in British films was Michael Caine's, "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off." - from The Italian Job. Second was dancing in the dole queue from the Full Monty - arghh Monty. And third The Turin car chase, also in the Iti Job. - Well done

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to SANTA!

Joe Barbera died at his home in L.A aged 95.

Who cares. Oh but when I tell you he's the other half of Bill Hanna some sweet moments would soon be evoked...Huckleberry Hound, Jetsons, Yogi, Fred let alone Tom - personally, I wasn't impressed when Tom started speaking.

Did he do this one?

For want of nothing else I'll leave you with a simple Christmas message; moderate beer drinking reduces the risk of rheumatoid arthritis - it's in the ethanol you know! So stay healthy folks drink beer and look after your joints.