Crazy Fool's Newsround - 15th - 21st August '08 volume 294

15th - 21st August '08 volume 294
August, 21st 2008 07:48 AM

That was the week weren't it; Back on track:

The scene: Usain Bolt has just smashed the double Olympic sprints in Peking. fool is trackside with the now legend, yet media shy athlete.

fool: So, Usain, I’m crazy!…err…and…err with that viewers, he’s gone…just like the proverbial horse, he’s bo…

Narrator: – Don’t even bother saying it - Roll the quiz:

1. How old was Bolt when he broke the 100 and 200 metres world records?

2. The spice cayenne is made from which part of a plant?

3. who was the Roman God of fire?

4. What was the Christian name of chocolate founder Mr. Cadbury?

5. Which animal’s legs did the griffin have?

6. What is the only English anagram of SCHEMATIC?

7. In athletics how much does a hammer weigh?

8. What condition would you have if you had hypermetropia? A) Longsightedness B) High blood pressure C) Erratic heart beat

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com if you think you want to send in this weeks answers. (it's same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Really got your googles this one innit! So, without any further lard, stick an egg on and get your big breakkie around this lot: the Main Comp’s, clues so far: Clue No.1: “I am the king of the swinger’s inspiration.” Clue No.2: “In a way I could have been sleeping in the authors back garden!” and to Clue No.3: “My hair maybe wild, but my thoughts are innocent.” And succinctly on the trail of No.3 comes clue No.4: “I was probably the Bollywood child actor of my day.” Ready for clue No.5? Good: “I hang around with a big bloody bear you bloody idiots.”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 30 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those who are reading this in Braille…I SAID…:

Dracule: 14 (1,1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: ‘How many sergeant?’ ‘Faarsands sir.’

Quote for the week:

I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m sure I can repeat them exactly

Peter Cook

*Non-descript trivia moment*

THE METALS OF ALCHEMY ALONG WITH THEIR PLANETS AND DIETIES

GOLD, Apollo, the sun . SILVER Diana, the moon . TIN Jupiter . QUICKSILVER Mercury . COPPER Venus . IRON Mars . LEAD Saturn

fool’s Gold

Supermodel Elle McPherson was known as The Body because her dimensions of 36-24-35 are considered perfect

The most expensive spice in the world is saffron

Moose intercourse typically lasts about five seconds.

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

The term "yob" or "yobbo" comes from a form of English backslang. Backslang was an alternative to cockney rhyming slang amongst gentlemen thieves. Simply put in this case it's the reverse spelling of "boy" or "Oh Boy". Gentlemen thieves are not as imaginative as the cockneys

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Getting stuck walking behind a slow person - Not that you’re necessarily in any hurry, but the slow bastard is just a slow bastard and somehow automatically, as if by nauseating intuition, wobbles or stutters to the left or right just as you go to over take. That and takeaway’s who insist on tying a double knot in their plastic bags. BASTARDS

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: I’m coming back and gonna get me some more wabbit. Got any Four n Twenty pies?

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; has got the all the AFL word up. Go the Saints

*Trigger: Anything worth a punt this week? –You betyer

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in… yep, definitely September – oh yes, and to the fella who said he’ll even produce it if it goes out regularly…you’re on, yes, you know who you are! – Big shows coming soon – what’d’ya reckon?

*Tit-bits – .../...It’s great to be a bloke…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New - new* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island. - Something new coming soon on the Rainbow Warrior – me thinks!

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – warming up before their Loreto gig!

Mr. Meaner... move up, room for a fat bastard.

Now, just in time; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Well there it was, in its hazy drunken techno-colour big screen version, for us all to see in it unashamedly brash manner – old style rugby.

Yep, the All Blacks beat the MB’s 19-0 at Nillands Stadium Cape Town, and they did it the old fashioned way – a fuck solid defence and the odd tactical kick to keep the marauding Boks at bay.

The All Blacks knew it was their day early on, probably from when psycho Ali Williams slit his own throat in their warm up dance.

For twenty minutes the MB’s didn’t play, whilst the Blacks ran riot, notching up a try, but no goal and that was how the score stayed for the best part of an hour.

When the MB’s did suddenly start to play, it was under De Villiers orders to play their aimed for expansive game, and they duely counter attacked from every inch of the paddock. If at times it was exhilarating on the eye, it didn’t really have the French finish.

That and the Kiwi’s defence was exceptional, as stated by the king-pin of the team Richie ‘if I play, we play’ McCaw, who said, “We gang tackled them and knocked them back. I think it was a courageous effort.” – Grrr

That they most definitely did, they absorbed the pressure and kept their cool, as Habana and co tried every which way but loose, but to be honest the Boks never looked in control and were always playing some hasty catch up rugby.

If Richie is Captain Marvel, which he clearly is. He and Dan are practically The All Blacks. Henry simply said afterwards, “I think Richie played outstanding.” But then Henry says a lot of things, he particularly banged on about their Olympians picking up medals in the pool and on the lake, and how that inspired them, and basically the emotions of their spiritual togetherness pulled off a nil pointer in Cape Town, whereas Richie just muttered, “We just stuck to our task and got into good positions to set up a good platform.”

Yeah, so there Henry, you sentimental old twat, actually, I’m not disliking the bushy eyebrowed one so much these days and he’s reminding me of a drunk Richie Benaud, which isn’t difficult, as he’s always drunk. Isn’t he?

Where was I? Oh yeah, If Richie is The All Blacks then Victor Matfield certainly isn’t Captain Bokman – a cracking lock, but no leader of men. If he spent more time on his game and not tossing his dummy at the ref every time a Kiwi lay on the ball then the Boks would be in a better state. It says a lot who your captain is and what he does.

Anyway, the MB’s were simply not up to scratch last week, and the Blacks were simply solid in every department. De Villiers was sorry they didn’t score afterwards from any of their many opportunities and said “The All Blacks tactical kicking in the second half was very good and they forced us to make simple mistakes.”

Yes, two further tries nailed the lid and the ‘Is-it’s’ walked off the pitch having not scored a single point, something that hasn’t happened in MB-land since they drew 0-0 with Great Britain in 1903.

The MB’s entertain the Aussies this week, where in turn they haven’t won for eight years, but Deans is in a vibrant mood, “Being an observer in the arena (Newlands), it was very evident that any side that enters a Tri-Nations fixture that is not at full noise is just going to get belted.” – What is it, Pop Idol!

De Villiers simply said, “We don’t slip on the same banana peel twice.” – Peel?

Some shorts

Sgt Wilko’s on his umpteenth comeback after yet more surgery and he’s as keen as Coleman’s; “There are more challenges for the England jersey out there than ever before, led by Danny. He has what it takes to be a top No.10 – strength of character, a voice, an opinion and the confidence to yell at bigger older guys. Not to mention his talent is incredible. But the type of animal I am, I still want to be the best I can be. I still have the hunger to excel, to play, to achieve.” – The 29 year old’s keen for captain – what’d’ya reckon?

Kiwi Riki Fluty has made the change to England, and even had the odd supporting emails from old heads in Norm Hewitt, which he was chuffed about. Now ex leaguey and a also Kiwi is keen for the move – Shontayne Hape. He’s got a bit more savvy than Sonny Bill Williams, who’s just paid his own transfer fee to Toulon, where president Maurad Boudiellal said, “According to Tana (Umaga), Williams has the potential to become the best player in the world.” – Whereas, Shontayne humbly said, “I think I need to think about making it with Bath first.”

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup!

John Smit’s; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises!

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Just a brief quip this week, where the only game of note was played between England and Scotland and was recorded as their first official tussle – then it got rained off half way through.

As did England and South Africa’s Twenty/20, well, it didn’t even start, which means will now not play a Twenty/20 game till Stanford’s Superstars tournament in November, prompting spinner Graeme Swann to quip, “They have to go back to the previous Twenty/20 game against New Zealand in June. I can’t think who did well in that game, but I took 2-15!”

He then went on to say, “I am the world’s worst person with money. If I got 300 grand after tax (which is the tournaments winners wedge) then I’d buy a bright pink Ferrari.”

Till next week…

Other sports:

Olympian news: And Michael Phelps got his eight gold’s, he said afterwards, “Nothing is impossible. With so many people saying it couldn’t be done, all it takes is an imagination and that’s something I learned and something that helped me. It’s been nothing but an upwards rollercoaster and it’s been nothing but fun.” – Good, we’re glad you enjoyed it

Usain Bolt on the other hand puts it all down to McDonalds chicken nuggets. Here’s his day, “No breakfast. Sat around. Watched TV. Lunch, nuggets. Slept three hours. Nuggets. Come down to the track.” – Meanwhile his dad Wellesley said it’s all down to the local yams he eats.

Did you know that in that opening ceremony there were 900 soldiers under those big blocks of Chinese characters. They were on show for only a couple of minutes, but the men had to be holed up in position underground for seven hours, so they all wore nappies.

All pee samples are to be kept in Beijing till 2016 – pooh-wee!

And here are some stats on the Chinese medal hostesses: their eyes have to be three tenths the length of their face. They must show eight teeth when smiling. They are to be university educated, aged between 18-24 and between 5.5ft and 5.8ft. They are to have a ruddy and shiny complexion, with elastic skin. They should have a plump but not fat body. The width of the nose should be proportional to the length of the face and the width of the mouth the same as the width between the pupils – stay with me – out of 5000 candidates, 297 were chosen. Ma Sha who is one of them said, “We have to stand still and smile for half hour or more We also run about 1000m everyday for physical conditioning.”

A drunk fan who interrupted the match between Belgium and Argentina was the minister for sports for Belgium.

The closing ceremony will feature Beckham, Leona Lewis and Jimmy Page – rock on.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

You know, the ‘in’ way to protest or raise money for a cause these days is to get naked. The latest bunch to do it are the staff from a Berlin cosmetics company Lush who are making a naked stand against plastic packaging. – Those Germans drop em at a drop of a hat.

darn that plastic

Women spend on average 3,276 hours to get ready to go out. That’s one and half hours a week for a big night out. Men on average do it in about 30 minutes or 1,092 hours a year. A spokesman from the cosmetic firm Skinbliss who conducted the survey said, “There’s a lot of waxing, exfoliating, moisturising, straightening, polishing and plucking to do.” – Polishing and plucking.

Braided bamboo fibres are tougher that steel, so everyone’s making bicycle helmets out of them. Well, not everyone

she's not

The UK’s memory champion, Ben Pridmore 31 has just broken his old record by remembering an 818 digit number in just five minutes. He then did seven packs of playing cards in ten minutes. That’s easy, ace to king! He says, “It’s something everyone can do.” – What he say?

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXI! “I hate music, especially when it’s played.” – Jimmy Durante

give us a tune

Joel Waul 27 has made an 8,200lb rubber-band ball. He’s used 300,000 rubber-bands of different sizes and colours so far, and is 2000 short of the Guinness world record. He said, “I would like people to say I had the world’s largest rubber-band ball ever and that they probably could break the record at all years from now after I’ve gone.” – Yes, he is American.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; His questions: “Why is it that when someone tells you there are over a billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there’s wet paint, you have to touch it?”

A drunk man who leant over a fence to stroke a crocodile was attacked and eaten by eight of them at Lake Carpintero Mexico. Fireman spokesman Romano Alos said, “It’s unheard of for eight crocodiles to join forces in killing a man. It’s the most savage attack in living memory in Mexico. There are no remains and we can’t identify him. He must have suffered horrifically.” – He was drunk, probably can’t remember.

Meanwhile a baby humpback whale has been snuggling up to a yacht in North Sydney Australia mistaking it for its mum. It even tried to suckle from it. Rescuers towed the yacht out to sea.

Spain’s only British bull fighter has come out of retirement aged 66. Frank Evans said, “It felt fantastic. It is where I am happiest.” Frank, who’s had quadruple heart bypass and knee replacement surgery, went on to say, “Age is just a number. For me it confirms to all those doubters that I am fit enough to do this. Leave me alone now and let me get on with it.” – Ok, keep your hair on mate.

Litter bins in Helsinki Finland have celebrity voices that say ‘Thank you’ every time you pop in some rubbish.

Noise control officials told teachers to turn down the sound at a Kindergarten daytime disco in Auckland, New Zealand. Meanwhile up the road in Queen Street porn stars were lolling out their lills on the back of bikes to parade in the approved Erotica Expo, Boobs on Bikes. – It’s a funny old world.

Lastly, and sticking with the porn theme; US porn star Belladonna is in Sydney Australia for Sydney’s Sexpo – what exactly is going on down there – where the Pope is also hanging out for World Youth Day. Belladonna has kindly offered her advice, suggesting priests should watch porn to get a better, ‘street level sex education’. She added, “I have a meaningful set of exercises for priests to help them deal with sexual tension and stress.” – That’s it, I’m joining up.