Crazy Fool's Newsround - 14th - 20th March 08 volume 275

14th - 20th March 08 volume 275
March, 20th 2008 08:34 AM

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: It’s 1928 and in a daring undercover interview fool is smuggled into, an unnamed as yet, Checkpoint Charlie by Oliver’s Army, and is proceeded to be frog marched into a cold and bare room but for a lone fold-up table and two wooden chairs which occupy the rear wall. The simplistic furniture is menacingly flanked by two similarly simplistic armed personnel, who, without a single movement motion the fool to sit. Immediately the room drops a degree or two as a stout man in a heavy grey coat strides purposefully through the door and sits in the chair opposite.

Stalin: You have two minutes.

fool: Ok, I’ll not waste time then (fool is cool, calm and has gone over this very moment a million times in his head before, he is ready). Mr. Stalin, if I may be so bold, this five-year plan you have, how long do you envisage the implementation of such an optimistic task?

Stalin: (expressionless, he ponders for only a short moment then berates from under his thick greying moustache) Arse! (and hurriedly exits the room)

fool: Arse!…code? (mumbles fool to himself a tad perplexed)

Narrator: Another exclusive, only here in your weekly cfn - Roll the quiz:

1. How long did Stalin’s first Five-Year Plan take?

2. In Cuba what is a habanera?

3. Which tribe did Sitting Bull belong to?

4. Sam Snead found fame in which sport?

5. What is the Great Australian Bight?

6. Which canal is also called the gut?

7. What actor is the son of a Poet Laureate?

8. What day does Mardi Gras come before? A) Shrove Tuesday B) Ash Wednesday C) Good Friday

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? (still with no paragraphs – ever) And the ‘who’ and the ‘ha’ really hit the fan this week as contestant after contestant was perplexed as to what they had to do to get through! Most notably was the Eagle’s angst at the Dracule fella’s persistence in sitting by the computer for days and nights on end, whilst travelling from country to country on his bat like wings and beating all time zones to get in with the answers first! The Eagle, amongst others are demanding fair play on a time slot for submitted correct answers according to where they are in the world, which obviously reflects on when they receive the mail and ultimately what time they get up. And guess what…the fool agrees. So from now on lines will be open till 4p.m (1600hrs) Viet local time. And all correct answers carry a point. That should give every Tom, Dick and Bernard a chance. Except Hannibal Lecherure, who doesn’t give a shit. Bernard? Now that’s sorted out let’s recap on the Dracule fella’s correct answer, which extended his lead, to this clue; “Working with an idle jailor I’ve still managed to keep lumps of it around the back.” – Who of course was Terry Gilliam. And now this week’s clue No.1, “Now spring has sprung and the daffodils are blooming and bunnies have hatched!I rear my theoligical mysterious head...was I the brother of the world's best known rebirth?"

is it me?

Scores at the end of week 11 in the 2008 series.

Dracule: 7

Legal Eagle: 4

Hannibal Lecherure: not interested

Others: too few to mention!

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Largest Religions

Numbers in millions

Christianity…1,784 (of which 1,101 are Roman Catholics)

Islam…951

Hinduism…655

Buddhism…310

Confucianism…200-300 (5.75 outside China)

Shintoism…3.2-35

Daoism (Taoism)…c.20

Judaism…18

Sikhism…16.5

Baha’I Faith…4.5

fool's Gold

Laughing can burn off six calories a minute

Actor Yul Brynner made an advert which was shown on TV after his death in which he said: “Hello, I’m dead; smoking killed me.”

A group of bullfinches is known as a bellowing

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

Dr. Phil was curious of the origin of the phrase "by and large" after using it himself in a sentence recently.

By and large is nautical in origin, originally referring to the sailing qualities of a vessel.

To sail by the wind is to sail directly into the wind (or as close into the wind as is possible). A large wind is one that comes from the stern quarter (on a square-rigged vessel, if the wind is directly astern only the rear sails catch it, therefore the most favourable wind comes from slightly off one side where it will fill all the sails). Therefore, a ship that sails well by and large sails well in all directions.

Thanks Dr. Phil.

read fishman yet?

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too!

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. The ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

*classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – It’s all in the menu on the left.

*Digger; assesses the situation for Thursday’s first games

*Trigger: gives you the go for doubling your money and trying to get rich

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in March - hold on to your fat. - Maybe April!

*Tit-bits – I think you’re the father of one.../…Like this CV?

*New edition –Vic Bitter's 70’s music memoirs and a few songs to play off to

*Grub–Up – It's a bugger peeling tomatoes but it's worth it, so I'm going back to me olde favourite Gazpacho soup or as me old mate Digger says, Gestapo soup. Either way it's pretty good – Get some down yer. New one next week….soon…promise!

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…new one here too - soon!

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – It's fresh, it's fishy it's in this week's rag – get the new Fishman's tails – out now. - Read all about Fishman and what’s going down On The Pond, Feb ‘08’

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – just one more sound check to go. - Don't forget their marmalade session on crazy fool's radio show coming soon – don't miss em.

Mr. Meaner... You to me are everything the sweetest song that I could sing oh baby…oh baby…

It’s a ruggerflyby time; and just what did happen this week?

Last man standing

Culturally a great place to go for a weekend, get pissed and watch a bit of rugby is Rome, if not a tad expensive…for the Scots!

23-20 was Italy’s latest victory over their ‘aulde’ enemy, and to be honest they deserved it with ample splashing’s of Iti flair and creativeness.

Saying that, had Scotland dropped the winning goal in the dying seconds they would have deserved it too, such was the demand of the game.

Not so in Big Frank’s eyes; he was sure they had this one in the bag, “Not only did we dominate the game but we controlled it.” He scathed in astonishment.

Well perhaps in the first half Scotland did have a grip on things, but a couple of break away tries doesn’t strangle a game for 80 minutes, does it…does it I said!

That’s not to barrack the Scots nor the Iti’s either for that matter, for there were phases of great skill from broken play on both sides.

Blair’s astuteness as a darting, quick thinking No.9 was brilliant and it paid off with a clever snap try from sharp break away from a quick ruck ball to go under the posts.

But Italy’s No.8, Sergio Parisse’s, intercept, run and pass to his back up in Gonzalo Canale was audacious brilliance to boot, especially as it came from a marauding ‘big fella’.

The Iti’s dug in deep in their redoubt’s, held onto discipline, put in the tackles in the last three minutes and were duly rewarded

Scottish flanker Alasdair Strokosch (eh!) spoke for all when he said, “We’re absolutely gutted.” – fool says you were probably lucky that Iti No.10 Massi had a shocker.

Italy finished with another wooden spoon, but did it bovver Nick Mallett any?

“It doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t see the importance of that because this competition is played to win and if not to improve and that’s what we have tried to do.” – Well he would say that…the lying MB!

Back’s’ to potential?

England put in a vintage performance to beat Ireland 33-10 at Twickenham, which had Ashton muttering, a ‘phew’ mutter as he realised he’s job’s safe…till the six monthly review at least.

He was also full of praise, “I remember games like that leading up to the 2003 World Cup. I don’t remember many since. It was a game played with a fair bit of authority.”

And so it was.

Ireland showed 10 minutes of worth to take a well worked wide try, touched down by the very emerging talent of Rob Kearney then the English pack just took control.

The defence, especially that of hard nutting Jamie Noon mirrored days of Mick the Munch. From there on in pretty much everything was handed to the gifted shoulders of Danny Cipriani on a golden full-debut plate.

Mind you, he’s a lad isn’t he!

Even down to his swearing after the game when he belched, “It’s down to the fucking one to eight who deserve the man of the match.” – To his apology soon after, which showed a maverick maturity coupled with pin point precision.

But let’s not harp on about the ‘new Sgt.Wilko show’, who incidentally had a cracker when he came on in the 53^rd minute for Toby Flood, but instead express the exact nature of the win by hearing it from, the DC himself, naturally, “The way the forwards played today I’d happily say they could take on any pack in the world, my hats off to them. We were running hard and direct.” – It’s the only way.

But the DC is a bit special eh. He has all of Sgt. Wilko’s attributes; perhaps not so the tackling intensity, but perhaps more worthy than that, he gets a backline moving, he has brought them back to their potential.

England were really quite good.

Ireland, I’m sorry, I have no reports on you bar the fact that Horgan, who was moved to the centre for the injured BOD, was probably the only stand out.

Let’s leave it with Ashton’s summary, “That was a team performance, not a one-man-band, and one of the best team performances I’ve seen in a long time.” - From many a team, says the fool.

Bring em out; Max, Shirly, Tom…

Wales had to make 128 tackles and France had 70% of the possession - Wales won 29-12.

And are again Grand Slam Champs – the second time in four years!

That is pretty much the tale of the tape in this Championship – Wales have consistently never given in, never not believed in themselves and never stopped tackling when the proverbials hit the fan.

It wasn’t pretty, the two Welsh tries were from French handling errors, the intensity was scorching and Wales never looked like losing.

29-12 was probably a flattering scoreline, and although Shane Williams made his dad £25k better off with try no.41 - his dad bet £50 one day that Shane would be Wales’ top try scorer with odds at 500-1 – that was Shane’s 41^st try in 56 games!

He notched his tally from a boot ahead after a dropped French ball, and confessed, “I found it difficult getting involved in the game, it was so tight, and the try was one in a million.”

French coach Marc Lievremont applauded the little wizard’s 60^th minute blast, saying, “Shane has been brilliant throughout the tournament. As soon as he gets the ball he is dangerous, and he makes the most of opportunities.”

Marc also stuck it to the Dragons’ defence, “For an hour France were brave, but we couldn’t find the solution to break the very strong Welsh defence.”

Martyn Willams then scored from another loose French ball in the dying minutes to wrap up the game.

The accolades were very soon out for, what is probably the most exciting of coaching team prospects in world rugby right now, in Gatland, Edwards and Howley.

Gatland himself said the reason he took the job was, “Being selfish for a moment, one of the reasons I took the job was that Wales were 10^th in the world and had a pretty average World Cup. There isn’t too far to go below 10^th.”

The players’ point of view of Shaun is clear, as Shane explains, “It’s probably down to the fact that everyone is scared senseless of Shaun.” – He certainly gets a job done. England must be kicking themselves.

Ok, that’s it, now Max Boyce – tell us a joke…a good one this time/…Shirly and Tom – sing us a Bond song…together…then shag!

On that thought let’s quickly run to the Super 14’s (previously known as the Super 12’s):

The Reds beat the Bulls 40-8, scored five tries, snatched the bonus point and laid last years winners to waste.

Latham started proceedings with a bulldozing run and scored then Clinton Schofoske kicked like a demon - not long before you see him in a Wallaby shirt either fool thinks, even if he is Romanian!

And ex skipper John Roe scored his fifth try in the fifth game in the fifth round – not bad for a wanker…err flanker.

The Force, go the Force, beat the Blues in Albany 27-17. fool watched this game with fervour and knew they would win.

The Blues had 60% of the ball in the first 60 minutes, and during that time there were casualties all over the paddock. Giteau clearly got a whack to the head and stumbled through the end of the first half, but pulled off a cracking second.

Evans, his opposite number wasn’t so fortunate, and when he left the park the Blues’ rudder veered wayward. The Git went onto float a perfect pass to Richard Bum who took the space and scored.

The Crusaders clattered the Cheetahs at the AMI Stadium in Christchurch 55-7. They stuck it to them 33-zip at half time for Christ’s church sake!

Nine tries was their final tally with two for Laulula and a sterling performance from wing come fullback Scott Hamilton – watch them soon in a Black jersey!

But let’s not see the Crusaders have all the fun because the Sharks won again – five from five – beating the Lions 16-8.

And believe it or not it was hard work for them. Bar a classic 15 man try from the man-eaters they were almost on the back-foot for the rest of the game, having to make the most tackles throughout the game.

See the results for the rest of the results.

Smalls:

Ireland’s Simon Easterby retired from internationals after last weekend’s game, stating that after eight years at the top. “It’s time to step down.” – I stepped in again…

Hairy headed Chabal is very much out of favour with Marc Lievremont’s French plans; “Chabal has been performing in his own way, a way which isn’t clearly how we see the game.”

Though, the big poof does like Freddie Michalak, currently in a Sharks jersey, and comments on his possible return to a Les Blues; “I can envisage it of course. It is even possible.”

Victor Matfield’s thinking of giving up the Med where he currently plays for French division two outfit Toulon, along with stars such as Gregan, Merhtans and Oliver, because he’s itching to play for his country again. But he does admit, “I love playing here, it’s very good.” – I’d like to live on the Med!

Gavin Hastings is worried about rugby’s roots. As he prepares for the Golden Oldies Vets tournament in Edinburgh in September, he’s concerned that the modern professionalism has kidnapped the camaraderie of the sport and states, “The strongest bastion of rugby cultures left in the world are now in expat teams in minor rugby playing countries – only there is the culture totally retained.” – He says the culture of going back to the clubhouse singing songs and getting pissed has gone.

Come watch the Dirty Geckos in Saigon’s inaugural vets comp in August. – It’s in August!

Lastly, will England’s old farts finally give Ashton the reigns to employ ‘his team’ of coaches or will Jake White soon be in his chair?

John Smit’s bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : Will be finished in 2008!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups: April next slot, which is next month – just hold on

Some Internationals: you’ve had em

England EDF Trophy: na, but I believe the English are stuffing the Welsh

England Prem; L’ Irish 16-22 Wasps/…Worcester 10-10 Leeds/…Harlequins 22-16 Bath/…Newcastle 8-28 Bristol/…Leicester 36-23 Saracens/…Sale 22-16 Gloucester

France; Pro D2 11eme: pardon

France Top 14: some good results here – if I only I knew what they were

Ireland's AIL level 1; That is about their level

Italy; Coppa de Italia: stick to racing cars

Japan Top League: Haiiii Ya

Magners League: all pissed

Scotland's premiership: still celebrating their international win over England

Super 14's: Chiefs 26-35 Stormers/…Brumbies 15-31 Hurricanes

Netherlands: Cha mon

Spain's Div D Honour 11: no one expects the…

Principality Building Society prem: Llanelli 12-13 Bedwas

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England’s cricketers finally gave the Barmy Army something worthy to sing about apart from, ‘He’s big, he’s bad he’s better than his dad, Stuart Broad, Stuart Broad…’

They beat New Zealand in the second Test in Wellington by 126 runs, but made hard work of it.

Ambrose’s debut ton was a cracker but you’d still hope for better returns off Cook’s 60, Strauss’ 44 and Bell’s 41 second innings scores.

And KP was unlucky to be run out after Bell’s shot was deflected off the bowlers, Chris Martin, hand to dislodge the bails.

But it was a bowlers Test, especially Ryan Sidebottom’s, the man England call Sid, who the Barmy Army have quite taken to, giving him the accolade of a song to the tune of Robin Hood, ‘Sidebottom, Sidebottom, Sidebottom, with his curly hair…’

To which he acknowledges, “They have been fantastic and have put an extra two or three percent on my performance.”

Let’s not forget Anderson’s five fer in the first innings, nor the Caps stalwart McCullum’s stubborn 85 to keep them in the game or even the eight drops catches from England’s abysmal fielders. To which Beefy noted that he lost half a day’s fishing because of.

Moving on and Australian Hayden put out a hand of friendship to Harbahajan and admitted that calling him, ‘an obnoxious little weed’ was best not for the media’s ears.

Where upon Harbahajan some how twisted the chivalry into himself some how being the victim of verbal by constantly stating innocent like statements such as, “I am happy to be friends with everyone…” and “These things happen in the game and I am happy if he wants to patch things up…” – To which no one believes or cares because he’s a lying little shit.

Darrel Hair’s back…not on it…just back! Either way, he’ll put that obnoxious little weed out to graze!

Sorry…I’m losing the plot…

Till next week…

Other sports:

Ham’s good…in he!

He won that in Oz and won it all the way. Even Raikkonen had a bitch about the new kid on the block last year, and he don’t say shit.

But they’re all paying attention now. And the Ham himself took a good look at himself too, “In terms of managing my tyres, controlling my pace and confidence and being in a comfortable car, it’s the best race I’ve ever had.” – Well, you gotta be comfortable aint yer.

And Ricky still can’t get it out of his head, and says the reaction of God Save The Queen before his fight against Pretty Boy did him no favours stating, “The ref didn’t let me fight my fight – even the HBO commentators said so. In the end I just lost my cool and that’s why I lost.” – Let it go Ricky, let it go.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

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