Crazy Fool's Newsround - 14th-20th March 08 volume 275 part II

14th-20th March 08 volume 275 part II
March, 20th 2008 09:09 AM

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Sex burns 300 calories an hour! Really, who does it for an hour!

That evil bitch Heather ‘one leg’ Mills finally got some money out of Paul, £24.3m to be exact then moaned because it wasn’t the £120m she was expecting.

Heather, who represented herself, did so in a flawless manner by stating that the best QC in the country Fiona Shackleton was an arse and said, “Fiona Shackleton has very sadly handled this case in the worst manner you can ever, ever imagine.” – She then poured a glass of water over her head! Don’t you just want to punch her?

I can’t remember the judge’s words but he basically called her the biggest buffoon ever to step in his court. The fool thinks that’s a compliment for her and is sad that she didn’t lose both sodding legs.

few more than heather

According to a recent poll the greatest ever film blockbuster was Titanic…guess the year…no…ok…It was 1997. Next was King Kong then Lord of the Rings fellowship of the Ring, and somehow Independence Day got in the top ten!

very disturbing

cf's book club

Until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 – 12:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! – rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty – If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann – rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson – arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes – to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous – Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans – fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

Week 10: Penguins Stopped Play eleven village cricketers take on the world by Harry Thompson – cricket at its best, in its quite essential way of course...no, fuck that - simply one of the most entertaining books fool's ever read, whether you like cricket or not. Rated in at 5

Week 11: Dispatches by Michael Herr – a war correspondents scribbles in the Vietnam/American war. A real insight. Rated at 3

Week 12: If I die in a Combat Zone by Tim O’Brien – another Nam yarn, but it does carry your woes into a levelled perspective. – rated 3.

The Ratings go as thus:

1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Harrods are selling a limited number of Pot Noodles for £30 a pop. The Poulet de Champignon flavoured crap comes with a free fork and table linen. They’re 89p in Tescos but you don’t get any fork n linen!

William Shatner (did he!) just auctioned his kidney stone for £15,000 to raise funds for Hurricane Katrina – are they having another one!

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXV: “There's nothing more boring than a rock 'n' roll star. Someone who has been on the road for 10 years, expecting attention wherever he goes, drinking himself stupid, who is obnoxious, incoherent, uncreative, and has a massive ego. There's nothing more pointless.” So was the relentless moan from Thomas Yorke from Radiohead.

Arthur C Clarke died this week aged 90. He was found in his gay pad in Sri Lanka by his gay aid Rohan De Silva who said he died after suffering breathing problems – it helps.

Arthur wrote 100 books, the best being his Mysterious World and 2001 Space Odyssey, which obviously turned out to be a load of rubbish.

In 1945 he was the first to point out the importance of orbiting satellites and their radio waves that fuel mobile phones, the telly and satnavs.

79 year-old Edward Bisewklia from Lublin Poland had been married four times and engaged 12 until he was strangled by his latest wife Kazimiera 65. She said he was the worst husband in the world and her neighbour Wladyshaw tended to agree, she said, “He was a miserable old so and so and a perfectionist. No one could ever meet his standards and I can’t say I blame her.” – Lesbians. – Big fat old Polish lesbians!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.’ Plus a universal truth, ‘No one ever dares make a cup of soup in a bowl.’

Postman Matthew Farnes 35 was sacked after bosses became suspicious he was stealing. After ordering him to strip they found him to be wearing a £49 ladies thong from a Bravissimo undies set. – Have you got yours on today?

Captain Birdseye also died this week – damn, didn’t have him in my death pool either. John Hewer who was 86 was king of the fish fingers for 30 years and recently retired to Brimswith House, an actor’s retirement home in Twickenham Middlesex England. Can you imagine that an actors retirement home, that would be nuts wouldn’t it darlings. Do they have retirement homes for all professions I wonder. – There’s a joke there somewhere but I’ll be fucked if I’m gonna look for it.

ABBA’s drummer Ola Brunkert 62 was found dead in the garden of his house in Majorca. No foul play was suspected as it is believed it was an accident as there was a smashed glass door in his kitchen and he had made it to the garden with a towel around his neck. Benny Andersson 61 said, “It’s a tragedy.” – No Benny that was the Bee Gees.

And lastly, saucy cook Nigella Lawson has been told, ‘yes, you’re bum does look big in that.’ In the New York Post this week it read, “Our spies at the Food Network say Nigella has way over eaten. The result is a butt like a horse. Her director is now doing back flips to not show her below the waist.” – Which is butt-ist really isn’t it. I bet Benny Hill in the Italian Job wouldn’t approve.