Crazy Fool's Newsround - 14th-20th Dec 07 volume 263

14th-20th Dec 07 volume 263
December, 20th 2007 18:06 PM

That was the week weren't it:

productions presents

Self Made Man # 2

Cast: Dave, Syd, Bazza and an Old Man with scraggy long grey/white/black beard and hair.

Scene: A tiny, dark bar in the 24 hour district of HCMC. Camera pans through the bustling neon lit streets, cascading itself past the traffic, which forms in the mould of bikes, cars, cyclo’s, drunks, party goers, whores and mischief. It quickly takes a sharp left and smashes into a tiny bar, no bigger than four feet wide and 12 feet long. Standing at a round table set against the wall near the back are Dave, Syd and Bazza, smoking a reefer and discussing the virtues of wealth. An old man is sat along the wall, closer to the entrance, opposite. A Barmaid attends nothing in particular at the end of the bar. Two girls sit and wait at a table on the pavement at the entrance.

Syd: Corr, this place could do with some cheering up eh. Mind you, it’s nice to have a quiet beer away from the jungle out there.

Dave: That’s right Syd. And let’s not forget that man doesn’t make his money just to whoop it up all Yank and global style. No, sometimes he’s sophisticated, revolutionarily trailblazing in his own tranquillity. That’s why we’re sat here mate. I mean look at me I’m a self made man, got where I am today on my own back. It’s about knowing how to conduct yourself in the face of success. And oh yes, when the NASA programme comes through I’m gonna need a lot of, well all the composure I can get, I can tell ya.

(Syd and Bazza look at him confused.)

(Dave is winking at the barmaid, involuntarily mind, as he's got smoke in his eyes.)

(Syd takes a lug on his cigarette then looks on, open mouthed to let the smoke escape, but also open mouthed in ore, albeit wrapped in sceptical intrigue.)

Syd: NASA programme Dave?

Dave: Yes mate. I’ve made it on their books. Been to the clinic three times this week. Had some tests, you know, the old cough and drop, heart rate, breathing thingy-ma-jig. They’ve got me lined up for the big time. Well you see, you’ve gotta have the right calibre to get this far in the first case of course. I mean you can’t just faint at the first needle they give you now can you? Oh no. Of course, yeah, it’s only a guinea-pig trial for some new cream down at the hospital, but in time they said someone like me is most definitely what they’re looking for.

Bazza: You gonna be an astronaut Dave?

(Just then 6 US army personnel storm the bar, hold up the old man, pin him to the wall, shine a torch in his eyes, take photos and swab his tongue. The girls at the front have joined in the melee, but instead are hanging off the soldiers legs. The Old Man is protesting.)

Old Man: I'm father Bloody Christmas you fools, not Saddam. And Dave, how do you think I deliver all the pressies super quick.

(NASA, whispers Dave to himself then turns to Bazza)

Dave: Yeah.

Narrator: Look, I’m sorry mate, but I just don’t get it.

Dave: Oh…fff…forget it.

Narrator: Roll the quiz

1. What's Father Christmas' favourite pizza?

2. Which war did Charles Bronson return from in Mr Majestyk?

3. What name is given to a student of the alphabet?

4. What is the metric word for one million?

5. What did Monkee Mike Nesmith's mother invent?

6. Which creature lives in a formicary?

7. What fruit can be made from the letters in TRANSCIENCE?

8. Prince wrote the Bangles' first big hit, what was it? A) Walk like an Egyptian B) Eternal Flame C) Manic Monday

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – and if you've got something to say or just want a chat with fool contact him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? Not even a peep from the Eagle last week, which left the Dracule fella answering at his leisure, although he only needed two shots – Al Jolsen was the wrong one but he hit home on the rebound with a correct Jonny Mathis – ♫ when a child is born ♪...can't do the voice. So with only a 3-2 lead the Eagle would like to soar this week, but will the cule level the peggings as we close down in 2007? – Come on my son, come on...think of the hat , come on... - This week's clue numero uno: “Remembered by a certain generation as not a news reader I am certainly no has been.”

is it me?

Look out for extra quiz questions this for that extra bit of fruit!

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Proverbially, You Can't

...win arguments by interrupting speakers

...have a rainbow without rain

...pick up two melons with one hand

...fool all of the people all of the time

...sip soup with a knife

...see the sky with a bamboo tube

...measure the sea with a shell

...cheat an honest man

...catch a cub without going into the tiger's den

fool's Gold

The largest iceberg ever was spotted adrift in the Atlantic. It was bigger than Wales.

Yuri Gagarin, the first man into space, is buried in the Kremlin wall.

Most images of Father Christmas prior to about 1880 showed him with a green coat. Red became the most popular colour after its US introduction by Coca-Cola during the 1930's. Coca-Cola also sold over 11billion bottles of the stuff to Yank troops during the second world war.

Phil O'logy, the Wordman's word of the week:

This week I'd like to go with the origin of the proverb - "As mad as a hatter"

Mercury used to be used in the making of hats. This was known to have affected the nervous systems of hatters, causing them to tremble and appear insane. A neurotoxicologist correspondent informs me that "Mercury exposure can cause aggressiveness, mood swings, and anti-social behaviour." Mercury poisoning is still known today as 'Mad Hatter's disease.

Thanks Phil.

And now, those who can only afford the bus please step aside for…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito, wine by the bucket...and sorry dudes, I'm getting myself real mixed up here with the bands...was it Mojo Webb last gig last week and now it's...

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book!

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh December – cometh the Turkey, the Vietnamese turkey, the goose, the duck and the ham – 'We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat!' *classifieds.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?

*classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

*Digger; he back, he good, he got it all.

*Trigger could bring some tidy tidings to you door this week – see who he's backing.

*Tit-bits – A rugby league fan...And there's this bird called mary right...

*Grub–Up is still stuck on Cameron's cod lips – so till quieter times when fool has the space and time – eat trout (New menu coming soon), meanwhile

*Fishman – fisherman home from the sea, have you got a lobster you can sell to me...It's fish season down on the Island so give him a call – for more details see - *On The Pond.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – twas the week before Christmas and everyone was expecting you.

Mr. Meaner…Grrr.

But now it’s ruggerflyby; and just what did happen this week?

It's the Christmas cheer and that means beer and that all smells of Heineken...mmm

Three cracking games caught the fool's eye last week. First up were the Ospreys skill to out bludgeon the bludgeoners of Ulster by 16-8. Justin Marshal and James Hook made an awesome pairing and easily out witted the often ill disciplined Irishmen. - Really, Irishmen looking for a fight!

Next fool saw Edinburgh have somewhat of a resurgence this season in their win over Leinster 29-10. At least coach Andy Robinson's getting some credit he deserves, cos he's had a tough time of it lately hasn't he, what with being the grumpiest man on the planet and all.

Leicester came unstuck to the Toulouse' back line flair 22-11, especially that little fella Vincent Clerc, who has those typical French ooh la la lips. But he's good, and it looks like Leicester will now have to wait on other results to see if they go through to the last eight.

But the pick of the bunch was London Wasps' squeeze of a win over Clermont Auvergne 25-24. Played in the freezing cold of London, Wasps put on three excellent first half tries and led at the break 22-0.

Lewsey and highly in form Haskell popped the first two which were made by young lad Danny Cipriani then the young lad made the try of the game helping Sackey across the line as a move finished from a daring sprint sprinkled with inter passing and speed.

The match had it all and most amusing was a fight on the touch line. Not the part where Clermont's Canadian No.6 was pummelling Tim Payne repeatedly in the face, but when an old man supporter joined in and was trying to hit James Haskell over the head with his programme – not only did he miss but he also got the wrong man. He is also Twickenham's leisure officer and was the Wasps captain back in the 70's for 3 seasons!

P.s. Clermont did an excellent job to comeback in the second half and with five more minutes would have probably nicked it...but they didn't.

Ok, let's have a look at some other news and Eddie Jones is worried about the lack of talent coming through in Oz because of competition from other sports. He says, “Now the sporting landscape in Australia is so cluttered. The fight for young talent is unbelievable, more so than in any other country in the world. Young lads of 15 and 16 are being offered three year contracts by rugby league clubs.” - David Beckham was spotted at nine, wasn't he?

Meanwhile Deans is banking on 'Kid Dynamite' Matt Giteau to fill the 241 cap loss of giants Larkham and Gregan. He'll probably play him at No.10 and states, He's a player that can play in any team.” - Yeah, but you'd want him in yours, wouldn't you?

he also rates Lote as he vows to get the backline alive again, but also respects the set-piece, saying, “The set piece is about 30% of the game. It helps if you're getting your own ball.” - Yep

Chris Latham is off to Worcester where he'll join All Black's Rico Gear, Greg Rawlinson and Tuituipoa. The 32-year-old, 78 Test vet says he's got a good 2/3 years left in him and you'd hope so at A$6000,000 - $515,000, £257,500 per season.

Next big shipment from the south will likely contain Ma'a Nonu, Jerry Collins and Dan Carter.

Sebastian Chabal is to stay at Sale for another couple of years, turning down the lure of mega bucks in France. He said, “If I lived and played in France, I think my wife would probably go crazy with all the supporter attention I receive there.” - Big head.

Sgt. Wilko looks likely to go to wasps as opposed to France, which to fool is an obvious statement saying he hates the French!

Ashton keeps his job at England, on a year's rolling contract, probably with Rob Andrew as his manager?

And the same goes for Big Frank Hadden up in Jockland – watch out for them in the Six Nations says fool!

John Smit’s bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – :

Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. 8. Braveheart 7. 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups: Benetton trevisio 24-22 Dragons. Perpignan 23-6 London Irish. Gloucester 51-27 Bourgoin. Ospreys 16-8 Ulster. Bristol 20-7 Harelequins. Cardiff Blues 31-21 Stade Francais. Biarittz 21- 14 Glasgow Warriores. Saracens 34-26 Viadana. London Wasps 25-24 Clermont Auvergne. Munster 22-13 Llanelli Scarletts. Edinburgh 29-10 Leinster. Toulouse 22-11 Leicester.

France; Pro D2 8eme Journee: Mt. Merson 14-10 Narbonne

Ireland's AIB level 1: Clontarf 17-3 Terenure

Italy; Siera A XI giornata: Mag Data Colorna 17-15 Termoraggi Carupornia Piaceinza

Japan Top League: Kubota Spears 19-15 Toyota Verblitz

Scotland's premiership: Ayer 6-6 GHA

Netherlands: AAC 24-0 HRC

Spain's; Campeonata De Selecciones Autonominees, Final: Madrid 35-32 Valencia

Wales: Kincia Minolta Cup round 3: Ystrad Rhondda 25-6 BP Llandercy

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England drew the Test with Sri Lanka with the 4^th and 5^th day wicket slowing down considerably. Vaughany said, “It was a very comfortable draw. I've been in the England side for a very long time and I haven't been involved in a very comfortable draw. There's usually a bit of panic along the way.” - Captain Manwaring.

“If we played on pitches like, I think we'd see our batting averages soar. I certainly wouldn't want to be a bowler.” - He continued

But he also realised the fact that batsmen need to be in the 100's to win Test matches saying, If you're going to win Test matches consistently, you have to get big scores in the first innings.”

On the other hand Mahela 'Drive' Jayawardene said, “Our bowlers did a great job on a slow and placid wicket protecting in the first innings. But I must admit the second innings was tough and the England openers batted well. I admit that it was hard work for the guys but over all it was good test match for us.”

Which is quite the contrast to what is happening in Galle in the 3^rd and last Test. After day 2 mahela was on 149* and the team 384-6, effectively saving the match? Mahela laid into England in a press conference after, when he wasn't even invited to speak and said, “England didn't bowl that straight to me, they bowled pretty wide. It meant I could be patient. If they bowled straight they would have created a lot of opportunities.” - Nothing like rubbing it in eh.

Ok, on the cards or not, Warney says it should happen now – Michael Clarke as vice-captain; “What did we learn from young pup's rehearsal as skipper in the Twenty20 match last Tuesday night? He's good at it and should be the next captain after Ricky Ponting.” Is the question he answered himself!

But also said, “There's a long way to go until Ricky, who is the best batsman in the world right now, gives it away. And there's a lot that can happen between now and then.” - Don't count your horses before the chick has bolted.

Till next week…

Other sports:

Chris Evert 53 is going to marry Greg Norman 52 (Toy boy) and Greg's ex wife Laura will get a £50m settlement – holy golf-a-roony!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

Cheapskate airline Ryanair have made a calendar of their hostesses in bikini's posing on or around the plane. The Spanish government run Women's Institution calls it sexist. The money goes to the Irish based disabled children's charity Angel's Quest, but that's cutting no ice with the fascist women's spokesman Maria Jesus Ortiz who says it, 'reinforces discriminatory stereotypes.' So! And anyway, get your own girl's name.

Another charity winner this week was JK Rowling's The Tales of Beedle the Bard which fetched £1.95m at Sotherby's London, that's 65 times the original guestimate. A fine art dealer at Haztill, Goden and Fox from St James, central London bought it. Forget the Blue Diamond put Beedle on the hit list.

A Griffith Park Sparkling Rose from Australia and priced at £4.99 a bottle in England's shops came 7^th out of 408 entries from 24 countries in the Effervescent du Monde champs in mustard country, Dijon France. A British one called Theale Vinyards Founders Reserve came 8^th. The French topped 6 out of 10. - see, you don't need any of that expensive rubbish.

don't need this

On a similar parr single father Adrian Frost 42 from Wigan won the 15^th Annual World Pie Eating Championship with a new world record of 35.86 sec in a pie-off against last year's winner. Up against eight competitors he said, “You have to do something special to beat the champion don't you? I just happened to do it.” - Good on ya chum. Organisers re-introduced gravy to this year's comp, but no-one used it.

cf's book club has inadvertently been adding a book a week, but then I suppose that's what it's all about. So until it gets its own page (Around Christmas time), here's week's 1 - 5: Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! – rating: 4. Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty – If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas shoud have written this - rated in at 5. For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann – rated at 3 and curiously enough 4. And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobigraphy; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4. Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson – arghhh, a number 3.

The Ratings go as thus:

Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Noel Gallagher had a half hour one-to-one chat with his hero Jimmy Page the other night after his gig but doesn't remember a thing about it as he was too pissed on Stella.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XV: Let's go back to Altamont 1969 again – the infamous Hell's Angel's last stand, and just before Meredith Hunter was stabbed to death. The Grateful Dead were due on stage and Phil Lesh (Dead's bassist) was peering through the curtains of their bus giving everyone else inside a gruesome commentary of some violent images outside. One went thus: “Jesus Christ, there's this 300 pound naked guy and – oh God! - The Angel's are beating him to a pulp.” - I know, it's only rock n roll...

The first shark attack off Bondi Beach for 70 years occurred this week, to Scott Wright 43 who had his arm chomped at the South End Shore then passed out in a cliff cave. He explained, “The shark attacked me, grabbed hold of my arm and wouldn't let go. So I ended up punching him on the nose and trying to fight him off. I thought I was a goner. I thought I was gonna die. Ryan Clark a lifeguard said, 'We advise against swimming in the dark.' - Yeah, idiot. He was found by his girlfriend which begs the question what she was doing there?

There was also another shark bite in Port Stephen in NSW – on the bum to be precise. A medic said, “There was a lot of blood in the water. He is lucky to have survived with just a four-inch bite.”

Boffs say Dolphins have their own language, with up to 200 different whistles. Doc Liz Hawkins of NSW Southern Cross University has been studying them at Byron's Bay (Named after the poet) for 3 years. She said, “This communication is highly complex, and it is contextual, so it would be termed as a language.” - We've known that for ages, didn't she ever watch Flipper the bush kangaroo!

It's getting colder in Blighty and Ladbokes have slashed their white Christmas odds from 5-1 to 4-1 as too have William Hill from 10-1 to 6-1. Meanwhile cannabis, which is naturally a grade C drug in the UK, has just been found to carry 20 times as much ammonia and 5 times as much hydrogen cyanide than cigarettes. Stephen Spiro from the British Lung Foundation said, “This is a worry.” - Cyanide – of course it's a fucking worry!

The Yanks have stolen Britain's thunder yet again by buying their 13^th Century copy of the Magna Carta for £10.6m. Dave Rubenstein of the The Carlyle Group bought the 1297 copy, one of only 17 left in the world at New York's Sotherby's, claiming it to be 'the most important document in the world.' and went on to say, “Today is a good day for our country.” - How?

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.21: 'I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.' - Permission to shoot.

Lastly Pam Anderson who married Rick Soloman last October and said, “I'm the happiest I've ever been.” And, “We're good for each other. We're in every night, having sex.” has just divorced him after 72 days, stating 'irreconcilable differences', She also said, “I make all my my decisions in five minutes.” She first married him after losing to him too many times in poker and he offered to clear her debts for sex.. She's now a magician's assistant in Las Vegas and he's the ex bloke in Paris' video.