14th- 20th May 2010 volume 380
May, 19th 2010 19:08 PM

“Son of my father

Moulded, I was folded, I was pre-form packed

Son of my father

Commanded, I was branded in plastic vac’

Surrounded and confounded in statistic facts”

(Chicory Tip)

 

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

 

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 20.5.10



For the 1st battalion Grenadier Guards

 

 

 

And now let’s hear it for the news:

Bong  bong  bong :

 

 

Don’t get your tights in a twist

Russell Crowe stormed out of a BBC radio 4 interview this week amidst claims that his Robin Hood character had ‘hints’ of an Irish accent.

 

Reporter Mark Lawson touched a quivering nerve that has plagued Russell since the flop of his first attempt at music under the pseudo name of Ross Le Roq when he recorded a tune called ‘I just wanna be like Marlon Brando’ – A wish he soon realised was fruitless as Marlon it surmised had talent, even though he was fish.

 

After hurling his mobile phone at Mr. Lawson Russell suddenly realised he was unarmed and resorted to a tyrant of abuse, yelling, “You’ve got deaf ears mate – seriously dead ears if you think that’s an Irish accent… Jesus wept, te-hey-te-fuck.”

 

When quizzed further if he was indeed going for a northern accent, as some experts suggest Robin originally came from Yorkshire, he broke into a merry jig and replied, “No, I was going for an Italian,… missed it? Fuck me… begorra begorra.”

 

Apparently his accent was slated at the Cannes festival too where Russell dismissed the notion by eating a midget he thought was leprechaun.

 

 

 

 

 

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Chinese Astronauts eat dog whilst in space, as there are no midgets. Yang Liwei who flew in the Shenzon Five Rocket in 2003 was fed up being asked if they ate expensive food ‘up there’, such as shark fin soup, abalone and Ritz crackers. He explained quite matter-o-factly that they ate a lot of dog to keep fit, healthy and full of vitality.

 

 “Actually, we ate quite normal food; there is no need to keep it a secret.” He wrote in his book, ‘The Day We Ate Dog in Space’, available at most 7/11’s and by subscription to What Dog? Magazine.

 

 They also had steamed fish, braised beef, tofu and some hacked up chicken. However, when asked if he they ever saw any little green men he stated wholeheartedly that it was only dog they ate, the whole dog and nothing but the dog.

 

 

Up up and away… did you turn the water heater off in the bathroom Paddy?

As the Irish Research of Aliens programme sponsored by TNT quizzed Yang further, a German UFO expert has suspected a NASA spacecraft to have been hijacked by aliens.

 

Hartwig Housdorf has been studying Voyager 2, an unmanned craft launched 33 years ago to study Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune however, recently strange and undecipherable transmitting signals have wafted through the space waves to earth, then without notice broke off without a trace on 22nd April this year. (2010, if anyone is confused)

 

The spacecraft was fitted with a 12” disc containing music and greetings in 55 languages, just in case there were any Val Doonican fans out there – he’s rather good in Gujurati I hear.

 

 Built to help its brother, the V1, their signals take 13 hours to reach earth 8.5billion miles away. Both are soon to go round the heliosphere where it’s thought echoes of Al Stewart’s the Year of the Cat can be heard zooming somewhere in front of Pluto. The last transmission Hartwig deciphered was thought to contain a distant twang of what can only be described as ‘metallic Gaelic’ and as best translated to, ‘fuck me Paddy, our bill’s going to be huge.’

 

 

Don’t blame me, I’m just the messenger!

Meanwhile postie Paul Noga 38 from Ashingdon, Northumberland has stolen 76,000 letters and parcels and littered his house with them. So much so he’s got no room for himself and has had to go and live with his mum. ‘t – Geordies eh!

 

Guess the real girl next door

Scenario 1: Paula Johnson is 5ft 2”. Her hair (dreads) used to be 4ft 9”, but she cut it off for charity after her friend died of leukaemia. She raised £1.600, which to be honest isn’t bad, but then when you’ve been growing it for 22 years it aint that much either.

 

She’s now going to try and auction it to see if it makes her feel any better. If you’d like nearly 5ft of dreads, contact The Christina and Liverpool Support Centre - Sunflowers. Paula will be the one walking around in a daze for the next 22 years mumbling to herself, ‘down to my ankles it was… you don’t believe me do you…here’s a photo, look…made my street proud it did, not just my street, auntie Dora’s neighbours would come out to look too, ‘look, there’s that lady with the long hair again, get the stag beetles Stan’, but once they’d hear me Bob Marley playing it was just like that place in Toxteth, real Michael Elphick lol’ – She could have always sold it to BP!

 

 face like the Turin shroud

Scenario 2: Marisa Miller 31 is the sexiest woman on the planet and off it as far as we know, although Hartwig will be getting back to us on that one. FHM readers voted the Californian stunner ahead of Megan Fox 24, who topped the poll last year.

 

Marisa said, “I’m like the girl next door. I enjoy domestic things like laundry and grocery shopping. I don’t see myself as Marisa Miller the supermodel. If I make people smile or brighten up their day that’s awesome.”

 

Well. There’s no contest so far is there; some stunning dopey bird keen to wash your smalls in a bikini or a mad bitch with scissors!

 

 

Scenario 3: OAP and German to-boot, Chritina Luckardt 89 is just one of the old biddies to strip for a calendar, nevertheless, she is the oldest and as far as I can make out the wittiest, saying, “I am at that very happy stage of life – just coming out of late adolescence and sliding into early onset dementia so I thought I should do something crazy while I can still enjoy it.”

 

No picture necessary

 

Well, there you have it – please vote for your ‘girl next door’ simply by replying to this email cf.crazyfool@gmail.com or just go to the contacts page and state 1, 2 or 3 - Also state ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if you would like to star in fool’s calendar for 2011 – it’s all for charity mate.

 

Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam, and perhaps a little off centre of Phuket. Cracking live music too.

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Chicory Tip were candidates for the original Spinal Tap; perceived by the media as a pure pop band they saw themselves purely as heavy rock more akin to Deep Purple – pop band they were then’

 

Keith Richards on the other hand is a walking testament to all things rock n roll-able. His autobiography comes out in October in which he said, “It’s pretty weird writing about your own life. Who would be interested in that?”

 

I don’t know Keith, let’s have a song, but not one of yours – if you’re tuning-in on hard copy you might have to turn it up… na, louder than that

 

How about this

 

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD:   for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: AUSSIE KISS – similar to a French kiss but given down under.

 

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading,

 

 

 

Holidays

 

Just drop me off here

 

*Three pals dipped into the light fantastic and won a ‘dream trip’ offered on a TV documentary series this week. They chose to paddle across Lake Garda on a bouncy castle.

 

Jack Walton 25 a trainee solicitor and engineers Chris Hayes 24, and Dave Sibly from Clapham said, “Great Britain has such a great tradition as a sea fairing nation and we really feel we have played no role at all in adding to this.” – Here here, well said, all three of you.

 

fool and his missuss’ van broke down on the way back from Spain once. On the last leg of their journey they had to hire a car and cram in all their worldly possessions then pass them through customs at Dover (UK port). A conveyor belt 35 metres long fed the goods through inspection, whilst a man clicked his pen then tapped it on his clip board ticked them off; clothes, shoes, more clothes, kitchen bin, gardening fork, rake, hat stand, more clothes, pots, pans, cutlery, another kitchen bin, football, rugby ball, swing ball, Chinese balls, more clothes, bouncy castle, clothes…what…, generator, cable, clothes… ‘Is this your bouncy castle sir?’, ‘I don’t know, let’s blow it up and see, hang on a minute… Mrs fool, did you notice anyone pack another bouncy castle in the boot last night as we slept on the road side by the woods?’ – ‘No fool.’ – ‘Then yes, that’s ours sir.’ ‘And the generator?’ ‘Yes, and the generator.’ ‘Hmmm, good, away you go then. Have a nice stay, and be careful where you pitch it, there’s been a lot a lot of problems with that Robin fellow lately’ ‘Right ho. Thanks’

 

*Safari-jet are a new company coming soon that operate out in the bush of Africa-land. They literally plant you smack in the middle of the Savannah, whereupon the jet, which houses up to eight passengers will unfurl into a sun deck with, built in canopy, rails and comfy chairs. Indoors is decked with marble floors, two double bedrooms and a dining room. Exec flights provide a bouncy castle.

 

*If you find yourself in Abu Dhabi, check your wallet, not because it’s likely you’ve been pick-pocketed but see if the ATM gold card is there.

 

Yes, Emirates Palace Hotel is the first place in the world to dispense real gold from their ATM’s or cash points as fool knows them as.

 

German manufacturer Ex Oriato Lux AC explained, “In addition to one gram, 5 gram and 10 gram bars of gold, the machine also dispenses gold coins.” – About time, I’ve been looking for one of those.

 



 

 

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one

every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their restaurants in Saigon, Vietnam

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Oh Bugger

 

Jack Harris 86 has been working on his 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle for 7 and half years. The 5ft by 5ft James Tissot, ‘Return of the Prodigal Son’ painted 1862, has the last piece missing, but the astute amongst you surely would have known it was the first. – Silly old bugger.

 

 

Have you achieved today?

A 22 year old British woman has become the world’s youngest female to climb Everest. Bonita Norris is no relation to Chris Bonnington even though both have B’s in their names.

 

Bonita woke up one morning in 2008 and said to herself, “I’m going to climb Everest and I’m going to make a whole lot of money for charity on the way.’

 

It’s usually a horsy kind of chick that has the kind of $26-65k capital needed for an Everest expedition, but due where credit is.

 

fool also tipped his titfer to 16 year-old Jessica Watson who sailed round the world on her own in a 34ft pink yacht.

 

When asked about the challenges she encountered, she replied, “You don’t actually have a choice… you’re in the middle of a storm, you’re being knocked down… you can’t fall apart.

 

She’s now off to pass her driving test where she intends to buy a pink car

a pink car

 

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

 

Argh, look, to be honest, I’m just about done here; the other stories can go in the edition that never was.

 

Meanwhile fool will leave you with a song and to point out that until the web engineer links up the other categories please find your way to the sports, quizzes and trivia and fool’s rant pages

 

Don’t forget to reply to the girl next door survey and state if you would like to be in the calendar

 

Anyway - Keep it wheel.

 

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 

 
 

 

 

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