productions presents

That was the week weren't it...

     Reports have been flooding in this week of an unseemingly high concentration of rainfall in the worldly region of South East Asia. cfn's No.1 Japanese reporter Itchy Bum   was last on the scene, due to some embarrassing incontinence, nevertheless by a sheer stroke from luck he did manage to get the top inside word from a Mr. F. Gump in the ‘I'll tell you no lie' meteorological office in downtown Petehere. Official word was soon to come back by telegram, simply stating that, ‘It's the rainy season'.

It's another scoop for cfn reader's folks. For more details on this and some other riveting stories on the traffic and cabbage try Mrs Miggins' tradesman's entrance on page 66...

and now the sports

1. If the average sandbag can block up to 12 inches of rain, how many inches are there in a mile?

2. What is another name for a yam?

3. If its noon at GMT, what time is it in Wellington?

4. Which flap of cartilage prevents food from entering your windpipe?

5. What do the Germans call Bavaria?

6. What covers most of Finland?

7. How many hours are there in a dog watch at sea?

8. What were the eighteenth-century Hell-Fire Clubs devoted to? A) Abolishing religion B) Carriage-racing C) Debauchery

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - plus all the cheese Ben Gunn could ever eat, down at your local super-dupa market NOW!

 WHO AM I? - And so to Clue No.1, as clue No.2 to last week's teaser went to the winner who undoubtedly got it correct...eh? Yes, it was of course John Cleese - not the winner, but the answer - the winner was ... Dracula -ah ah ah. No it wasn't and you're just being silly, get on with it. Ok, so to the all new round and clue No.1, "As a kid I always had reservations about this warlike fella as he smothered my rhubarb crumble."

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW*** (Like it all isn't!): The Greek deity for moon is Selene whereas the Roman's would be Luna. - It's all Greek to the fool, who is a part time looney - must be the Italian in him.

But now those in the cheap seats please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food - what more do you want? - See what's on every Wednesday in the *classifieds - under, ooh, entertainment, restaurants...and did someone say party?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh September - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds. Couldn't get enough of those steaks last month dude - see what's on offer this month.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in their rugby world cup t-shirt collection in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more stuff in the *classifieds pages now - something for the weekend?

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Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger's heading straight into the penultimate week of the AFL GF day with all the scoops from last weekend and a clue to who who will be serving up the gravy come the 29^th - got a ticket yet?

*Trigger in the meantime is trotting straight back into the fold with his favourite gee gee's running Down Under.

*Tit-bits will boast another couple of corkers for you this week - jokes, jokes, how many times, this is not a titty page.*Grub - Up is still serving Cameron Diaz' lips on the side, whilst *Fishman I gather has had a snag on his line and will get back to us shortly *Bongo Massif Bro's - well, they're perfectionists - what more can I say...

eh?

Mr. Meaner...have you got a license for that?

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

The long and short of a piece of string is precisely what you make of it - and there it is...done!

(Ed. Ahem, need more fool)

Ok, last week we saw two notable games with any realistic point of interest, bar of course watching a couple of minnows tie themselves in knots, although come to think of it, that could easily have been the ‘big guns' too.

Let's start with those murdering bastard's' emphatic win over a very sodden England by 36-zilch, yep, zip, nada, not even a, ‘everyone's trying them these days' drop-goal, let alone a losing point.

You'd be forgiven in thinking that S.A actually won the bloody Cup, such was the importance of this group game - nonetheless the OJ Simpson's struck again!

The South Africans ended up doing it with ease, playing a convincingly well rehearsed tactical game, be it a boot from the hoof to the air, corners or posts, down to the ten minutes of tackling they had to do in order to defend a mostly very quiet line. - And yep England were shite again or rather, about two shites to the wind short of be actually shite, which would have been a compliment.

Ashton pressed the ‘play' button again, which surely has been over used since the first press conference on 8^th Septemember, "We make too many errors, our discipline is not what you need at International level and we are not taking the chances that we create." - Heard it before?

Ex England No.9 Dewi Morris has; "To hear them talk you'd think it was going to be Agincourt. But in the end it was just like Dad's Army with Captain Mainwaring in charge. I'm utterly baffled as much as I am angry." - Stay both says fool - it's good for scaring the kids.

Let's not be too harsh on England though because although S.A did play a very competent game and with players like Stein and du Preez they are going to cause a lot of worries to many other sides, but it wasn't all gloom for England, not even with their injuries because Sheridan had a game as big as he is colossal and so too did ‘Billy the Whizz' Robinson, whom ‘bloke down the pub' still refers to as ‘sideways' - I reckon your head's on sideways mate!

Anyway, onto ‘big gun' game No.2, and to be honest the fool thinks Australia made hard work of it against the Welsh and in some aspects were quite fortunate, perhaps not to win, but to win by 35-22.

Their first half was dominant enough, as a 25-3 scoreline suggested, with some well worked tries and a couple of penalties, but never underestimate the Welsh, as Chris Latham explained, "They were a proud team that stuck in there - they showed that. But if we had ‘executed' in the way that I think we should have we could have put them away." - Bring me my axe!

Stirling Mortlock could have put them away, he goes guns, but his lack of appearance in the second half was also the end of Australia's appearance, coupled with a very resurgent Welsh effort which saw two tries. ‘Knuckles' Connolloy explains this one better, "They gave us the hard game we wanted. I was delighted with the lead at half time, but I was disappointed with the second half." - There you go - thanks ‘Knuckles'.

However there were pluses all round for the young Barnes lad, 21, at fly half, whom ‘Knuckles' said, "Had an outstanding debut." Latham quipped, "He was outstanding. He is a great talent." And Scott Johnson bellowed from the hotel bar at three in the morning, "It says more about the bloke as a bloke rather than as a rugby player." - Curfew that man!

We'll not bother with N.Z's rout of Los Lobos, because it didn't show us anything except that weedy fly halves don't like to tackle Jerry Collins.

Ireland's smashing of Georgia 14-10 was the next comedy. This was almost the biggest upset in rugby's history, and in many aspects probably still is, seen as Georgia had them all the way to the final whistle and were anything but trounced in the final 20 as befits most other minnows, but if anything were on top! - Georgia - Stalin's off-cuts!

Coach O'Sullivan almost cried in his Guinness after reflecting on their previous dismal games and stuttered, "It is impossible to imagine the team's malaise could deteriorate any further." - They've got France next - but the fool has faith in them oh yes the fool has faith.

Eddie is suggesting that they are trying to play a more running game as opposed to the kicking method, but still explains, "I wish I could tell you why we aren't firing on all cylinders because it is very frustrating for everyone." - More Guinness.

Ok, France suddenly joined the high scorer's party with an 87-10 win over Namibia and Laporte beamed, "I believe we have discovered the pleasure of playing rugby." - Sex, sex, sex that's all those bloody French think about.

Tonga bt Samoa 19-15 repeat 19-15 in what was typically a mixed island game consisting in a bit of smash, a bit of a run, some good basics here and there, very exciting, but lacking real Test level-ship - But then Tongan skipper Niki Latin said, "We came from Tonga with empty pockets, but determined to make a point. We have got two big games coming up, against S.A. on 22^nd Sept and England six days later and that is going to test us." - But what about their level-ship?

And Scotland's 42-0 romp over Romania wraps up fool's games from last week. And the Bonnie Jocks didn't play the whole 80 minutes in Romania's half but they did win, as Big Frank says, "there was a lack of substantial periods of play." However he was happy with the win, glad not to concede a point and praised Romania for being a solid side - that's good because those Romanians get a hard time, what with all the vampires and wars and things...

Last in; Italy bt Portugal 31-5 and Troncon joined the 100 Test Cap Club of Six - can you name the others?

Games to watch over the weekend:

France v Ireland; and you'd hope the fighting Irish would do just that - they've got to start playing in some game - haven't they? Verdict: France too French for them - they'll win by 20+

S.A. v Tonga; The captain with the hair for Tonga will do all he can to inspire his troops and although the murdering bastard's staunch racists beliefs will work against them for long periods of the game they will win comfortably.

England v Samoa; Sir Clive said, "Samoa never really believed they'd beat South Africa last week. But they really believe they can beat us, that's why when we line up I don't want to see emotion during the anthems, I want passion during the match." - Yes, thanks Clive...now get off my page. - Neck on the line and England by 20+.

Argentina v Namibia; forget it.

Australia v Fiji: Best sensationalism of the tournament so far was the Aussies hyping up the Fijian backline, which undoubtedly isn't bad, but will it realistically trouble the Australians...40+ points.

Scotland v New Zealand; fool's pick of the upsets - watch this space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

World cup shorts:

Biggest disappointment: Why the fool didn't play, ‘A rainy night in Georgia' by Gladdys Knight and the Pips in the opening credits.

Biggest idiot: Tonga's No.6 Haiti Tatam Pole for being warned time after time after time after time to stop bashing the opponents with his elbow, only to immediately bash an opponent with his elbow in the Samoan match and get a red card.

im up a tree

Bloke to watch this weekend: Samoa's Brian Lima - he'll get a game and there will be blood - it might be his own, but there will be blood - he's called ‘The Chiropractor', and this is his fifth World Cup, and he doesn't like the English muskets.

Biggest confusing comment: Sgt. Wilko, "I've learned during my setbacks to control the controllable and be philosophical about what you can't control."

The odds: of what? Of this comment by England's defence coach Mike Ford, "He (Farrell) will make an impact in this World Cup, mark my words."

Best comment of the week: Chris Latham on steroids when asked who he minds playing in the quarters. "I'll play anyone mate! This is about winning the World Cup - so whether it is England or Samoa or South Africa in the quarter final, it doesn't faze me."

Some off the cup shorts:  

Dudley Moore.

Johnno's best ever world XV: The whole kit and caboodle: 15. Serge Blanco 14. Joe Roff 13. Philippe Sella 12. Danie Gerber 11. Jona Lomu 10 Sgt. Wilko 9. Gareth Edwards 8. Wayne Shelford 7. Michael Jones 6. Richard Hill 5. Colin Meads 4. Frik du Preez 3. Jean-Pierre Garuet 2. Sean Fitzpatrick 1. Jason Leonard

Other Results: I found a piece of cheese in my sock this morning!

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

Well, the twenty20 has been on, hasn't it? And to be honest it's all gone a bit too quick for me - the fool simply cannot keep up this youthful tip and run game. Nonetheless he'll give you what he's got.

KP on England's preview of the Aussie game; "There's a big game tomorrow and it would be nice to send the Aussies home." - Australia went onto win that game by 7 wickets!

England then went onto gallantly lose to South Africa in the 8's and KP was run out by a rugby tackle from Shaun Pollock on 15. Colly commentated, "It was a big moment. KP is a big player for us. He was obviously out because he was in the air and not holding his bat. But sometimes you think the umpire might be lenient in that decision and might not give him out." - Straws Colly.

Graeme Smith simply smarted, "I think it was very fair decision and I had no problem with it." - Colly was out next ball to a golden duck, which the fool thinks is cheating too!

Colly then got fined £1000 for having one beer in a legal lap-dancing bar, he explains, "I had one beer, realised it was an inappropriate place and left." - The big wigs only fined him a grand because of his unblemished record - argh the righteous.

Yuvraj Singh of India was the first in this tournament to hit six sixes off an over and ended on 50-12. Colly remarked, yes him again, and yes it was obviously against England - Stuart Broad bowling, anyway Colly said, "It was the best striking I've ever seen. I feel sorry for Stuart Broad but in Twenty20 it was just a matter of time before we got an over like that." - An over like that I like it like that...oh satisfy my soul...

Till next week...

Other sports:

McLaren got fined £50million and their construction points taken away - that's a lot of money in anyone's language. Stirling Moss said, "I'm staggered." - Well he is old. Jackie Stewart, who isn't any younger, also rubbed his Scottish penny's worth in, "Even if they are guilty, it doesn't justify the punishment. This is not muder." - Next week he is auditioning for an Agatha Christie play. And Murray Walker, the youngest of the trio at 87 said, "They (McLaren) are probably the straightest team in the sport." - As it turns out - probably not!

Max Mosely (Made up name) the FIA President gave us his view, "When history comes to be written they will say, ‘Would Raikkonen or Massa have won it had it not been for this information?' If you are outside the rules, you are out of the game." - Hard task master is Max.

ham and alonso relax

Meanwhile on the track in Belgium last Sunday Kimi Fucking Hell the Finn Raikkonen crossed the chequered flag first with team mate Felipe Doesn'tMassa second and Alonso, who after shunting The Ham off the track on turn three romped in third with The Ham behind settling for fourth and just two points ahead with three to go.

The Ham wasn't happy and it was probably the first time he lost his rag, he snarled, "It was a blatant and deliberate move. He has gone and swiped me and pushed me as wide as he could. I was lucky there was a run off area so I could take that." - Ron Dennis, their boss who has had a very exciting year sighed, "It was aggressive but clean." - Yeah, so shut it Hammy!

Over in the world of boxing Floyd Mayweather and Ricky Hatton have been getting it on, on their promo tour for their December 8^th bout in LV. They were in Universal Studios really Hollywooding it up - Floyd called Ricky small and a girl and, "Cool for what he does, but fighting FM is a totally different level." - Ricky told him he was, "Dancing with the stars." So Floyd got really bitchy and called him, ‘Vicky Fatten.' - It doesn't get any better...or does it?

"I'm putting pressure on him, there's no pressure on me. You must realise when I beat Ricky Hatton I'm supposed to beat Ricky Hatton. If he beats me it's an upset, but I'm supposed to beat him. Every fighter I fight against I'm supposed to win." - Muuum, tell them.

Stoner came third in the MotoGP and got all emotional, "I just didn't have the feeling on the bike."

The Cocktail World Cup has just been completed in Queenstown with local side New Zealand Moas taking gold, Team Vegas second and Team London third. They had to do stuff like make, shake and pour a cosmopolitan whilst bungee jumping and another on a high speed jet boat. - Easy.

And now it's time for the world news: Bong, bong, bong

It was or is International Talk Like a Pirate Day today or was it yesterday, either way it's been going for ten years, but the fool has been oblivious as he talks like a pirate every bloody day - arghhh.

HMV's survey for most inspirational film came up with The Shawshank Redemption, followed close on the hoof by Schlindlers List with Forest Gump bringing up third - hey, doesn't he work in the Petehere meteorological office?

hot

A chair made from aluminium (Pronounced aluminium) and fibreglass will be auctioned at Christie's in London this week and is expected to fetch £1million! - It's a chair.

a chair

Matei Lus is a Czech speedway...speedwayer! And he fell off his bike the other day whilst another rider rode over his head, which was nice. He lay unconscious for a couple of minutes then woke up speaking perfect English. His team boss, Peter Waite said, "He sounded like a news reader. He was speaking perfect English without any sort of an accent." 48 hours later he found his memory and lost his English and immediately blamed Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte then said, "There must be some English in my head but obviously I need a bang on the head and a crash for it to come out." - With you there brother.

Rock n roll's crazy capes part III: Elvis used to gorge on something that was called Fool's Gold Loaf, which was a whole loaf, a jar of peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly and a pound of bacon. With the help of two pals they managed to stuff 22 of them on a round trip from Colorado to Memphis and back in his private jet. - King, the fool salutes you.

go on get a tattoo

Just to keep on the rock theme; Led Zeppelin's website logged 20million applications for tickets on the first day, that's 80 thousand a minute, for their one-off gig at the O2 Arena, London on 26^th November. They haven't done a gig for 19 years, they never even released a single, just sold over 300million albums - nevertheless Plant, Page, Jones and Bonham the younger are finally going to get together for a tribute gig to ex Atlantic Records boss Ahmet Ertegen who first signed them back in ‘68' - For those who are about to rock we salute you.

Page?

Boffs found Britain's oldest recipe dating back 8000 years to 6000BC and it was good old nettle stew - still going strong today. They also made fish stew, barley bread and roast hedgehog - mmmmm - researchers at the University of Wales Institute also discovered garum and liquaman, which are the juices from rotting fish guts used to make a sauce - some things never change. The Roman's were the first to beat eggs in Britain - bastards. But it did pave the way for scones - quickest cake in the world, and custard.

he a boff

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.8: Two elephants walk off a cliff......boom, boom!

Unilever have got Paddington Bear trying marmite sandwiches, which is of course is scandalous because we all know he's a marmalade addict. His dad Michael Bond explains, "He would never convert and the thing about a children's character is they are set in stone." Yeah, so back off you marmite pushers. Although it isn't a bad advert; he's in the street feeding pigeons, and well, one thing leads to another and he finally gets arrested. Corr, he's a character inne!

A 12ft alligator bit off Bill Hedden's left arm, tearing it clean off at the shoulder. Poor Bill was just doing a bit of snorkelling in Lake Moultrie, South Carolina when he suddenly emerged from the water, one arm less, shouting, "Call my wife" to which some witty on-looker asked ‘what should we call her?' he then collapsed in a heap. Another onlooker Jerome Bien saw the gator with the arm still in its mouth and quipped, "He was just smiling at me." He then swam away. Rangers later found it, shot it and inside was Bill's arm, Ranger Smith said, "The arm was surprisingly not all chewed up." - I wonder what he needed to speak to his wife about.

Here's some important news I forgot to mention last week; London and Brussels' feud is over and imperial measures are here to stay forever - yeeha - that means the pint, the mile, the loaf of bread and the Troy ounce which is used to measure gold (=31.103 grams) are safe. A European Commission spokesman said, "This means that measurements such as pints and miles are in no way under threat from Brussels and never will be." - Go on, you deserve one.

i said paint

And lastly Dr Randy (always) Thornhill is a biologist at the University of New Mexico, but he was at a conference in the UK this week telling fellow biologists about animal behaviour and how women experience oestry or ‘heat' just like other mammals - "Women don't miaow and they don't scratch at the door but they do have oestrous." - In other words once a month they're gagging for it.

Grrrrrrrrr...

just cf it

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