Crazy Fool's Newsround - 13yh- 19th June'08 volume 287

13yh- 19th June'08 volume 287
June, 19th 2008 07:21 AM

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: Marco Polo is on the Silk Road to China hoping to flog some pasta, thinking he'll make a mint (groan). He stops for a pint in a road side pub near Kashmir, India and gets chatting to a Persian rug dealer on his the way back from China. fool is the barman.

Act I: Sceneyou:

Marco Polo: Whata ya know of these a tiddley winks then a Howard, I betta they've a never seena or a tasted anything like a theees a before a eh?

Howard Marks: On the contrary bouyo they've been eating these two minute snacks for years isn't it. Look here see, they've got everything, why I went to sell em's these piles of deep shags here see, but it turns out them's been knee deep in carpet burns for centuries.

fool: Aye, they been inventing stuff for ages, thats true, but they'll nae know how ta brew a pint o' heavy eh. No, not like the golden nectar I keeps here in Kumar's of Kashmir Tavern. fool's gold I calls it (he says suddenly changing from Scots to a West Country accent) and I reckon's its worth more than all the tea in China. You travelling salesmen might like a drop...

Howard and Marco sneer, wickedly, at one another

Narrator: 'Death of A Salesman' was written by Arthur Miller and narrated by me, the narrator. Tune in next week to hear what happens...next week. Also available on an old Maxwell c90 tape fool found whilst clearing out the loft - break the sound barrier...Maxwell...surround sound. Now the quiz, only available on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/

1. Did Marco invent the polo, which came first; pasta or the noodle and where did the Silk Road run from to?

2. According to the proverb, who clutches at straws?

3. What are the lines called on which music is written?

4. What are the bars on a xylophone made from?

5. In medicine what do the letters ENT stand for?

6. Blanket, back and buttonhole are all types of what?

7. which wire is live in modern three core electric cable?

8. When was Monopoly invented? A) 1936 B) 1926 C) 1946

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Grappled on the ladder of the tender loins of success last week was the Dracule fella and firmly within a whisker's breath of the first Big Comp's bumper prize, but alas, just a gnats cock off and so its back to the drawing board for this week's clue No.2:, but first let's hear clue No.1 again; Clue No.1: "The spell I sold the world 400 years ago was perhaps not from, but only thought it from me!" - Clue No.2; "It could have been my murder that put ink to the sword, for was he but not the business man that I lay down my quill for!"

is it me?

Big prizes to be won in the next couple of weeks - check the *comps and results page for all the details.

Scores at the end of week 23 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And the Big Comp tally in sub, sub brackets, just to confuse ya.

For those making a brew, Eagle and Dracule are neck and neck...one sugar please:

Dracule: 12 (1,1) (1,1)

Legal Eagle: 8 (1, 1) (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 2 (1) (1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: And now the end is near...

Quote for the week:

'The power of accurate observation is called cynicism by those who don't have it.'

George Bernard Shaw

*Non-descript trivia moment*

CURIOUS DEATHS OF SOME BURMESE KINGS

TEINHKO, killed by a farmer whose cucumbers he ate without permission (931 AD). Theinhko's Queen fearing civil disorder smuggled the farmer into the royal palace and dressed him in royal robes. He was proclaimed King NYAUNG-U SAWRHAN, and was known as the 'Cucumber King'. He later transformed his cucumber plantation into a spacious and pleasant royal garden.

More next week!

fool's Gold

Red Vineyard was the only painting Van Gough sold during his lifetime

Composer Frederic Chopin slept with wooden wedges between his fingers as a child to extend their span

The average slug can stretch itself out to 11 times its body length

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

Galaxy: A large scale aggregate of stars, gas and dust ranging in diameter from 1,500 to 300,000 light years. Our galaxy which is dubbed the Milky Way for its milky appearance (not its resemblance to a chocolate bar). Galaxy is derived from the Latin and Greek terms for milk -galaxius and was first used around 1380BC

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Floppy cheese, cheese you can't cut, not farts, but proper cheese. Cheese that hasn't been in the fridge long enough. Cheese you can't bloody cut, alright!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and wine by the bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam - I think! - Some cracking live music too folks.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. - What's news on the sand-pits mate?

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. Drop us a line on the high mountain trip please Fi. The reply; Hi mountain week ...king great. love (hic) Paul

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Back on the burgers last night - damn, they're good. See what else they have here: They've got wabbits thats for sure.

Butchery & Delicatess

41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street, District 1, Ho Chi Minh City.

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St)

Open from 8.30am-8.00pm

Tel: +848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Don't forget...There's a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; spills the beans on the out takes

*Trigger: puts his pennies on the nose...pennies you deaf bastards!

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... at this rate probably not till Sept - stay tuned.

*Tit-bits - Two French paratroopers.../...The history of.../...

*Grub-Up - * New- New - new* - Do yourselves a flavour and get a wabbit - see the menu for cooking it - I followed it then turned it into a stew - beautiful. Now I'm onto the Oyster blades - more about that next week...ok, next week, probably next week...will next week do?

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫...will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, May ‘08' - new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver - it's all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - backing into the home straight, should be here any time soon...

Mr. Meaner... no, I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough...

Now; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you're not keen do move on:

Some more beginning and end of season Internationals:

New Zealand took England to the proverbial cleaners in Auckland on Saturday and sent them packing at 37-20, which in some ways was a bit of a let off.

Ok, England are without a coach, they clearly didn't have a game plan and as Charlie Hodgson said on the Friday before the game, "There is no room for error against these guys."...Hmmm...yes...and now there's no room for you, you are the weakest link, goodbye!

Let's run through the game; England started well, their forwards competed, and from an early Andrew Hore fumble in the Kiwi 22 the ball was over turned and spun down the backs to a speedy Strettle who was bundled into touch an inch from the line by the try saving Jerome Kaino.

Fifteen minutes of this kind of bliss the English cherished, until the Blacks forwards starting to reel in some composure for themselves and before you knew it that man Dan Carter had sneaked a deft grubber for Conrad 'I've got a degree' Smith to pounce on.

In the next 21 minutes, before and after the break, NZ piled on 34 points. Sivivatu came off his wing at a set piece and from McCaw offloaded to Carter to score their second; a stunning try purely in the fact that it actually happened,whilst the English stood by and watched, i.e. Not even worthy of a schoolboy error quip.

With a couple of penalties they were well ahead until a cheeky intercept by Topsy 'Turvey' Ojo on the back foot, sent him 80 metres up the paddock for a 10 point deficit going into the break.

Then came Charlie 'Caspar' Hodgson's plane ticket home, where all Ma'A Nonu did was run at him/through him, gave it to Muliana and he put it down.

Shape, composure and confidence were now the order of the day and one side had it, however their last furore, a cracking try from a Carter break, onto Nonu then Siv to score, twas then stopped by a suddenly rejuvenated England who finished the last fifteen minutes as they started.

Although Ojo's second try; off a chip kick from the replacement scrum half Danny Care was a consolation, it did prove that a few tactical moves in the backline, notably Noon in the centre, did alter things defensively.

Mike Ford the defence coach said it was 'embarrassing' and 'desperate'. Tindall, the oldest player at 29 said, "The worst thing is you don't feel like they earned it. They just walked through our defensive line. It wasn't a lack of composure. That doesn't come into it when you can't defend set pieces. That isn't accuracy."

Anyway, Henry was pleased with his mob an said, "The guys showed a lot of mental toughness."

And despite the handbags that Andrew and Henry have been slapping each other with this past week regards McCaw's infringements, it would be good to have Tom Rees and Richie on the same side, eh!

Later on in the evening four young English tykes busted up the joint and have probably marred the beautiful game forever. English selection starts on1st July, and do you think Jonno will give them a second chance?

Over in Melbourne, Australia snuck out a resilient Ireland; 18-12, in a convincing win if not an emphatic one, as the scoreline correctly suggests.

However, if you were to ask the fool about the two B.O.D. Shoddy passes that were deemed to be definite tries then all could have been very different.

My point being, as new 'wonder' coach 'Dildo' Deans emphasised, "I'm happy with the win but the performance wasn't flawless."

Australia, if not a little rusty put together some silk passes, kept up their top-notch defence and had a battering Lote on the boil, who, incidentally, puts his good form recently down to: less training.

Lote busted and bouldered himself through a rather wobbly outside Irish defence in the 6^th minute - well, he ran over Kearny, and offloaded a superb flick to the supporting, and equally all round superb, Berrick Barnes for the opening try.

Nine minutes later Dennis Leamy was over the try line for the Irish from a catch a drive at a lineout, and Oliver Sudden we had a game on.

Closing in on half time it was quite clear the Irish forwards were in control as were the Aussie backs, and no more so than the 'Git' Giteau who side foot shoe shined his way through two defenders to give Horwill the ball who scored from close range.

A penalty later and 15-7 at half time and Australia never looked like scoring again. If you don't believe me ask Mortlock, "We seem to have a little bit of a problem coming out slow after half time."

From then on in it was some; 'fair to meddly' attack from Ireland, their donkeys broke the gameline and the fairies tried an array of variations of which some really threatened a very good Aussie defence, the best coming from a half way line three man inter passing dash , which was touched down by B.O.D., which as said, doesn't make up for the absolute worse pass in International history to Rob Kearny that went straight to the deck.

Rob choked, "We threw passes that weren't on. You can't do that at this level. We could have scored three more tries.. You get a few opportunities and you have to take them, when you don't you can't expect to come out winners."

B.O.D. Simply said, "It's soul destroying."

Rob incidentally had a cracker with the ball in hand, the high ball and his defence and was justified to get the man of the match. Luke Burgess had a comfortable start in Gregan's shoes and Peter Hynes on the Aussie wing looks like he's got some potential, err, and I'll have a pint, thanks.

Over in MB-land, the MB's beat Wales 37-21 in a game I swore Wales won 21-20 - ha, that's afternoon Vietnam drinking for you eh!

Cruising in with a marvellous season so far Jean de Villiers broke the evens after five minutes from a five metre scrum, even though Warren Gatland protested stating the referee got in the way of Stephen Jones tackling him, Warren said later, "I told Stephen to smash him out of the way next time."

Not long later Victor Matfield showed some handy handling skills before off loading to a waiting Ricky 'sick and tired' Januarie.

After 20 minutes and 14-3 down Wales decided to wake up and from a lineout Gareth Cooper was down the flank for a score.

Shane Williams produced yet another beautiful solo try, whizzing past four defenders, with feet faster than ... oh bugger...can't think...need a beer...anyway, he scored in the corner.

A few penalties from some Welsh ill-discipline and a de Villiers second wrapped up proceedings, with a Bismarck Du Plessis last minute try just being cruel.

Ok, I don't know if you noticed question two in the quiz at the beginning, but the answer was 'Drowning men'. The point being; the idiotic rants of a southern hemisphere whitewash. To the fool that's about as reckless as an Auckland gang-bang.

But let's get back to the rugby and Scotland the brave beat Argentina 24-16 -their first time over the corned beef's in 18years.

They did it with aggression, speed and the kind of passion we haven't seen since since Princess Anne was shagging Damien Cronin.

An Ian Morrison and Mike Blair inter play led to an initial touch down by hooker Mike Ford, with the Pumas minutes later returning a cracking counter attack finished by Ignacio Fernandez Lobbe, whom before hand cried with his brother Juan after the anthems, as it was their last international together - poofs!

Later in the game Dan Parks grappled a likely intercept and pushed his legs for forty metres before he ran out of puff and passed to Graeme Morrison who put it under the sticks. Horacio Aguella got one minutes later but by then it was all over.

Some shorts:

The Emerging Murdering Bastards beat Italy 'A' in the IRB Nations Cup 20-19 and will face Romania in the final, who beat Russia 13-12 . Romanian captain Costica Mersoiu said, "I am genuinely delighted."

The English Saxons beat Ireland 'A' 34-12 in a six try romp, Banahan getting two and they'll face Scotland 'A' in the Churchill Cup final, which is a bit of a bummer for Dave Wilson, cos he's been called up for the big boys squad in New Zealand, as Sheridan is out, but he is only cover for the bench - he's happy, but not happy if you know what I mean...innit!

Japan beat Tonga 35-13 in the IRB Specific Nations Cup, by out muscling the muscley Tongan donkeys, and of course tries from Takashi Kikutani, Hirotoki Onozawa, Shaun Webb and Bryce Robbins.

New Zealand continued its rotation policy by letting Jason Eaton snap the winning try for the Maori's over Fiji 11-7.

And Australia 'A' beat Samoa 20-15 with tries from Timan Tahu and Turinui - those are the Australians!

Predictions for the weekend - England 34-20 NZ, MB's 20-19 Italy-drunk ratio in the bar 10 to 1.

p.s. Jerry Collins has signed for Toulon

John Smit's; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 - the fool promises!

Called the John Smit's XV, as he's the current World Cup winning captain, so we've got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England won the Test series against New Zealand despite at one stage being 86 for 5. They won the last game by an innings and nine runs.

But more than just a win, it was a team win, which was so important to Vaughan, "In every game every bowler has stuck up their hands at certain times, and every batsman has got us through some tricky positions, whether it be in New Zealand or here."

Meanwhile KP won the first ODI by 114 runs with a fast becoming trademark stroke; a reverse sweep into the stands. It was possibly the best shot in cricket to date!

Even talked about being banned, the old farts changed their minds, 'Polly' Styris who was the bowler even said, "Sometimes you just have to take your hat off..We all like good cricket and that is what it was."

KP loves it and told Colly in the wicket that he had dreamt about it the night before. He calls it the 'left handed slog/sweep.'

But that game wasn't just about him, Stuart Broad is becoming quite the geezer, KP had this to say about him, "The way Stuart Broad bowled was magnificent. I'm not leaving this press conference without pumping his tyres. He's a Glenn McGrath in the making."

'Pumping his tyres'!

KP's shot will be on all the build up ads to the Antiguan Twenty/20, but if England don't win the November bout then they get zilch.

McCullam who recently smashed the record with 158 off 73 balls in the IPL earned £350k and says the IPL is the way to go - not the one off big pays.

With £500k per man at stake, as opposed to £500 per man, plus £2k match fees for the average ODI, Colly is sceptical of the game's future, "The next generation may not want to be on the pitch for five days and go on tour for four months when they can play a one off match for £10m." -Bloody Yanks eh!

However, if England were to win, Monty says, "I'd buy Luton Town Football Club."

Apologies, still no Windies/Aus Test news!

Till next week...

Other sports:

Royal Ascot this week and there's a dress code; Girls; you have to wear knickers! Also, skirts must not be more than two inches above the knee, and shoulder straps at least an inch wide. Nick Smith of the public relations department said, "There seems to be a growing lack of understanding about morning dress, particularly with respect to women. Our dress code has not fundamentally changed, but this year we felt there was a need to spell it out and tighten up the specific requirements.' - Here, here. Men; morning dress means suit, waistcoat, top hat and no brown shoes. -Get it,got it, good. Blimey, what with the rugby boys going rampant and chicks wearing no knickers in the royal box, English behaviour has slipped the depths of some Aussie rugby league level!

wear knickers

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Father Ksawery Knotz is is a celibate monk from Poland and he's got a website offering sexual advise. He'll tell you how to get a 'super orgasm', cos he knows that orgasms get you into heaven. He's been dubbed the Catholic Karma Sutra, and says, "Contrary to common belief, the church does not ban the pleasures of the flesh." - Neither does the baby eating Bishop of Barthon Wells.

Meanwhile brainy people live longer as they age slower. Funnily enough its got something to do with the clever gene. One in five of 100 tested Italian pensioners had different versions of the gene and those with the 'different version' performed less well in an IQ test. A reasonable age is 85 (bit thick) and a person with the good version gene can expect to live to 100.

46% of men between 30-60 years old in England lie about their record collection. (If you're under 30 I believe you might just call it your music collection.) They lie to friends but mostly to kids to try to be trendy. Yarning the biggest whoppers are aged between 30-34, whilst London is the biggest area for the old pork pie at 65%. East Anglia the least on 29% - Anyone like The Human League!

David Openshaw is 28 and from Sydney Australia , has two kids and is one sick bastard! He suffers from Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID). That means he constantly seeks amputation of healthy limbs and when doctors refused to cut off any he stuck his leg in a bucket of dry ice for a couple of hours till it was so mangled that docs had no choice but to slice the bugger off below the knee. He said after, "The excruciating pain from the dry ice was worth it." He also says his love life with Joanne McWilliam's is better, "We're closer than ever." - Good for you, you hop along freak!

Geeks at an astronomy domoni conference in Nantes, France have this week agreed that a star discovered 42 light years away has three 'super earth's' around it...just like our sun. There are other planets circling the star, but they are not so similar as our planet. Believe in the little green men now.

Granny Betty Neumar 76 has been accused of killing her four husbands. Detectives have found new evidence of the '86' gun murder of Harold Gentry; a time when Betty was ten's of thousands of pounds in debt and had 36 credit cards, and apparently asked two different people to kill the 48 year-old - there's a clue there. The 'suspicious' deaths are being re-opened, and date back to the 50's. Two were shot dead, not sure about the third and the fourth John Neumar from Richmond County Georgia is having the contents of his urn tested as he died of infection sepsius, which carries similar details to arsenic. John was dead and cremated so quick that his son didn't even get to the funeral, but brother Al had his suspicions, he said, "If she had tears in her eyes when asked if anyone would kill him I wouldn't have suspected. That's where she slipped up." - Way to go Al. Book her Danno, murder one.

Crazy Rock n roll capes/quips part XXXIV: "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - So said Elvis Presley

There's a magic berry swooping both sides of the Atlantic which makes sour taste sweet. Its more of a gimic than a food, for shits and giggles, for example in Japan restaurants sell horseradish with lemon peel and a bite of the berry before makes it taste the sweetest thing on earth. Dieters get their sugar rush from it as it has no calories and chemotherapy patients take it to rid that metallic after taste. Lemons and grapefruit take on a toffee coating and Guinness tastes like milkshake and neat vinegar goes down like sweet sherry, I'd prefer neat vinegar. Its nothing new though, Des Marchios first documented it in Ghana, its homeland, in 1725. You can only buy it off the web in England and there's only one supplier and he'll soon be rich, rich, rich I tell ye. - I just need one, good idea...

To Kill A Mocking Bird has been voted the greatest novel of all time, mate. Harper Lee's 60's classic has sold 30 million copies. Second was JR Tolkein's Lord Of The Rings and third, CS Lewis' The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe. 4^Th, Pride And Prejudice (Jane 'Allegro' Austin) 5^th, The Da Vinci Code (Dan 'Charlie' Brown) 6^th, Wuthering "It's me I'm Cathy I've come home' Heights (Emily Bronte) 7^th, Animal Farm (George 'Franco Activist' Orwell) 8^th, Great Expectations (Charles 'what the' Dickens) 9^th, Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban (JR 'Roly poly' Rowling) 10^th, Lord Of The Flies (William Golding).

A 92 year-old Saudi man has been banned from marrying a 17 year-old Egyptian girl, despite her parents accepting his offer of £14k and lots of gold jewellery. The Egyptian Justice Ministry got this one but miss countless every year. Last year 173 marriages had accounts set up for dowry's in the Egyptian National Bank.

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; His questions: "Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'sell by' date?"

Haywood Rosales 31 is suing a DIY store in Florissant, Missouri after he got stuck to a toilet seat whilst shopping after some clever bastard had anointed the throne with some clear glue! For being off work for weeks with cuts and bruises on his arse he's gunning for £12,500

Meanwhile Luigi Folliero from Italy wants to go back to jail after being freed early from his two year term. He says he can't stand his wife's nagging. - I hear you brother.

Rosie Swale Pope (what a name!) is 61, comes from Tenby west Wales and has been walking around the world for five years non-stop. She's done the maximum possible distance on foot covering 20,000 miles and through 12 countries. She hoofed it on the charity walk after her husband died of prostrate cancer and she carried all her belongings in a cart behind her, most nights sleeping in a tent on the roadside. She saw some sights; a stark naked gun wielding lunatic in Siberia, got frostbite, and was a celebrity on Mertha Stewart's show in the US, not sure what would be worse. See her travels on rosiearoundtheworld.co.uk

Marcia Bortosz 74 tried to get rid of ants by squirting insecticide down the ventilation shaft and set fire to it blowing up the whole block of flats in Lublin Poland.- Do you believe those kind of stories?

Rachel Sowcroft 12 has lived on chocolate and Wotsits all her life. For dinner she has Rice Krispies with melted chocolate. She has a phobia, no shit, and said, "Every time I try something new I get scared. I don't like anything that is not crunchy or is too crunchy." - Wow! Dr. Gillian Harris has been called in and she's managed to get her on some toast, and get this, she says, "Children can eat a narrow amount of food and get the nutrients they need." Rachel conceded, "I'm hoping to try bananas when I've got used to toast because it's a bit more normal. Everyone eats them and I'd like to be like everyone else." - Corr eh, the world we live in!

Ok, lastly, new airport scanners which are currently being deployed in the US reveal everything, and I mean everything, breast and genital size, the lot. Out goes the physical pat down and in comes the 'glass booth'. Brian Steinhardt director of the American Civil Liberty Union said, "People have no idea how graphic the images are. Airports should not be required to display highly personal details of their bodies such as evidence of asceticisms, colostomy appliances, penal enlargements, catheter tubes and the size of their breasts or genitals as a prerequisite to boarding a plane." -They've been in use in Holland's Schipol airport for ages - oh those crazy Dutch!