Crazy Fool's Newsround - 13th - 20th Feb 09 volume 317

13th - 20th Feb 09 volume 317
February, 19th 2009 18:09 PM

Good lad that Bruce

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Dave and Dave are in the bar with Bruce Lee and fool the bar fly. Bruce has just gone to the toilet.

Dave: I love it here Dave.

Dave: me too Dave

Narrator: Endless…

1. How tall is Chuck Norris?

2. What series saw Simon MacCorkindale changing into animals?

3. Which name comes from Greek and means manly?

4. What is a paronomasia?

5. In which country is the city of Mogadishu?

6. Where is the HQ of the CIA?

7. What is the only English anagram of LIONESSES?

8. How old must a sheep be before its meat is called mutton? A) Five years B) Two years C) One year

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Answers came in thick and fast last week from Jim Henson to Dustin Hoffman and all were wrong, although the last fella mentioned is probably about the same size! By the way, the answers given were the names, such as Jim Henson and Dustin Hoffman and not actually submitted by them’s good selves – although stars have written in in the past, like Frank Sinatra…yeah, he did, and err Cilla Black. Donnie Osmond once had a crack at it, but I diverse, back to the show - Here’s clues 1 & 2 with a third up for grabs; Clue No.1, “One of my best outfits frog-marched me all the way to a No.1 best seller.” – Clue No.2, “You’d be surprised that I got my eyes re-focussed back in 1976.” And Clue No.3. “Fuzzy haired at four years old in 1970, this is the year I also got my scar!”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 6 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those out the back…HERE’S THE SCORES:

Dracule: 1, (1)

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Quizmaster: zip

Casualty: zip

Others: bugger all

Quote(s) for the week:

Margaret Dumont: You must leave my room. We must have regard for certain conventions

Groucho: One guy isn’t enough; she’s gotta have a convention.

The Marx Brothers (The Cocoanuts)

*Non-descript trivia moment*

ANIMAL AGES

According to Celtic legend

Thrice the age of a dog is that of a horse;

Thrice the age of a horse is that of a man;

Thrice the age of a man is that of a deer;

Thrice the age of a deer is that of an eagle.

fool’s Gold

The middle day of a non-leap year is 2^nd July

Porcupines float in water

A person breathes seven quarts of air every minute

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Pandemonium is a word that was originally coined by John Milton in the epic poem Paradise Lost (c. 1665). Milton used this term to refer to hell. Literally, pandemonium means the "place of all demons." We now use the term to refer to places that are like hell, or what we imagine hell to be. Pandemonium is also used to refer to a state of confusion and chaos. Wonder if Panadol is related?

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

The sticky wrapping on a breakfast cereal bar that will most certainly always tear crooked and far too short of actually getting into the bloody thing, so you have to make another tear, by which time you’ve gripped the exposed inside wrapping and gotten sticky – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Am mildly into the weather these days and have noticed there’s quite a lot

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #5

I like that one

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly its good – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Porcini steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s there now – pretty good to catch this week’s Six Nations on.

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; keeps you in touch

*Trigger: puts you in the know

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOWish – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out – Soon, soon, very soon – maybe next week!

*Tit-bits – .../...For all employees who work with…/…Hotel soap – a classic…/……/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with bogies is still doing the rounds whilst fool steady’s his kitchen. I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast! – Although it was without the pie, kidney’s and oysters.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and The Dog!

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – …yeas, of course you can come into the studio and record with us on the next radio show…

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – there’ll be some frozen pickings soon and perhaps a round of Sumo, if you’re in Saigon – coming soon…

Now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move on:

Thrashed out on paddocks all over this spherical lump we squat on were the second round games from the ever surprising Six Nations and the thunderous kick start to 2009’s Super 14’s

Scotland went down to France in Paris-land by 22-13, amid poor handling skills and the matter of five penalties punted by the Lionel Beauxis. Big Frank was’nae happy; “There are two types of errors” he said, “One was a penalty count, which was disappointing, but the handling errors are something we need to work on.” - Lionel, I ask you, who’s called Lionel these days. Lionel Jeffries was one of my favourite actors, but Lionel, in sport?

The Scots went to Paris with the right attitude and competed well around the contact areas and you may have called them unlucky as Fulgerre Ovedraogo’s winning pass to Maxime Medard was judged forward by many, but many wasn’t refereeing. Thom Evans’ got a debut try for Scotland.

Marc Lievremont was, shall we say, relieved; “I was expecting it to be a good victory and spend my Valentine’s Day evening with my wife but it looks as though I will spend tonight looking at the video.” – Porn. His wife’s probably a minger anyway – that’s why they all have mistresses… ‘enough fool, get on with it’

If that was a shock, take a look at the game down in the Land of Thy fathers - Wales 23 England 15. And you wouldn’t be out of place saying that England were all over them – it wouldn’t be true but it wasn’t far off it. The most used expression this week has been the ‘much improved’ England team.

That may be so or maybe it was the thrill that these Six Nations ‘bating’ offer up. Either way neither side conjured much magic in the first twenty, with just nine points to zip from Jones’ boot. Then it came alive and didn’t stop.

The English pack sent out a wake up call and did something they haven’t done for some time and won quick ball and the backs ran it - Saying that the first try came from Goode kicking ahead for a great Sackey collect as he bundled over with two Welsh defenders on top of him.

Not long after England surmised this was all too good and Tindall offered himself as the man who should be sin-binned. He did later come back to have a great game, and his presence is very apparent in the backline, however in his absence the Welsh took their chances and Halfpenny finished off a sweeping move on the right for Jamie Roberts to out fox a lumbering Borthwick inside him.

If Worsley was doing his job on keeping the soon to be superstar Roberts in check then it did leave Shanklin to have a go himself, which he did, however, he also had his fair share of defending to do too, which he did. But one he missed was a fine individual try from Armitage who proved himself to be not just solid under the high ball, but someone who has a slice of flair in attack.

In amongst the simultaneous attacks from both sides, England got themselves another yellow, this time Goode for diving in, which may have seemed a tad harsh, and it certainly made playing against the champs with 14 men for 60 minutes a wee bit difficult, but as Jonno says, “We’re not into morale victories and all that rubbish.”

Which is just as well, because as much as England attacked with physicality and flair you sensed they were never going to penetrate the solid Welsh defence in the final quarter, as Ryan Jones hinted, “It was a good, tough Test match. It was very difficult at times but we showed our composure in the last ten minutes.” – And that’s what makes a good team.

In Rome the Italians had our hopes up for about 35 minutes then Ireland snapped a couple of quick tries from Italian mistakes and the 14-9 half time scoreline hardly seemed fair.

Let’s not take it away from the Irish though, as they took their other three tries with poise and cunning, albeit the last two when an exhausted Iti side could dance no more; B.O’D said, “We were patient and knew we had to break them down before taking our opportunities.” He went on, “They didn’t score a try and that was because of our defence and not their inability. It didn’t click for them.”

Declan Kidney went on to emphasise the point of patience and how the Iti’s put the Irish under enormous pressure in the first twenty minutes, but MB born Italian boss Nick Mallett had other views; “We have lost because of indiscipline. You cannot give away 16penalties because you will never win against anyone, not even Portugal.” – Oh yeah mate, you’re gonna get a world of hurt from Portugal now!

Super 14’s

And a couple of games to keep your feet wet: Over in the Cake Tin, a long, long way away lives Bob Dylan and his Hurricanes. In that land grow the stuff that legends are made of; the Nonu’s… and well, five of the All Black pack to be exact, but they didn’t get it together over, what is possibly an opposite prospect in terms of success this year – that being the Tah’s. Saying that the Tah’s held a 19-5 lead at half time and despite the ‘Canes blowing hot and cold throughout most of the game they did play part to a hugely climatic final 15 minutes where three tries were scored – two from themselves. The Tah’s held on to clinch it 26-22 and gain a five pointer

Warratah’s didn’t have all the possession but they made double the tackles and even Kurtley Beale had a good game. Teenager Rob Horne got one in the first half and finished off their last move late in the second and as Phil Waugh said of him; “He’s going to be a superstar.” – Second time we’ve used that word today!

Crusaders cruised past the Chiefs 19-13 with Casey Laula helping himself to two and the Sharks made a tasty comeback at Newlands to beat the Stormers 20-15 – this derby was run like a Test match, with big hits and intensity. Forwards and back worked a fine try for Bobo to finish and equally well executed at the other end was great try finished by the ever present Stefan Terblanche – he’s about 50 now isn’t he!

Some Shorts:

Fetu’u Vainikolo from the Highlanders is under police investigation after a bar brawl in Dunedin after their Brumbies game. That should be comforting to his cousin Lesley, who awaits trial in the UK for the same thing.

Wasps trio Haskell, Flutey and Palmer are off to France next season and are said to have almost trebled their wages. France don’t have salary caps and you wonder how many more will follow?

fool’s Six Nations predictions:

None – it’s next week

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup – too late! Yes, he has had had two takers – and yes, he is now upping the anti to 2015 – and yes, the betting window for 2011 is closed – so up yours.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now: please, someone call…

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free tshirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

If you saw last Sunday’s Twenty/20 between New Zealand and Australia you probably saw one of the best catches in cricket ever recorded on screen. Adam Voges doubled back for yet another slog from Brendon McCullum as he went for a six and lost his balance over the rope, tossed the ball in the air, jumped back in the boundary and caught him out – superb.

Meanwhile the farce in the Caribbean finally got under way as the second Test match between England and the Windies was abandoned after only 11 balls due to an unfit pitch. The next day they went straight onto the third Test at the rescheduled Antigua Recreational Ground.

England’s boss Hugh Morris, yes he is – Bloke down the pub’s still laughing at that, anyway he said he even wrote a letter to suggest the sandpit was unplayable. Finally the Windies boss Dr Julian, who hasn’t got a silly name at all, said, “I can only apologise for this embarrassment.”

But back to the Test and England should wipe this; they currently sit on a lead of 503 with the Windies in bat on day five with 7 wkts left. No team has ever chased a 500 score and the closest was in fact the Windies, on this pitch, against the Australians six years ago – the things you find out eh!

All top five of England’s batters managed to top their whole team’s score from the first Test with Colly getting 113 and Levi 169 on day one. But the fortunate Graeme Swann got his first five-for as he was called into to the team late as Harmy was throwing up and Fred busted his hip. Swann said, “I found out I was playing only in the morning of this match. But on tour you’re always ready to play – if it was at home, I’d probably be slumped over a bar somewhere.”

Chris Gayle would probably be with you as he is apparently miffed at having to go straight into the third Test without any time for a Red Stripe. – As you were Chris.

Simon Jones says he’s 100% fit and as keen as mustard to be ready for the Ashes. His only battle is getting enough match play and keeping up his confidence; “When I hear people saying England are missing someone like Simon Jones it is an amazing feeling.”

Richie Benaud will hang up his mike after the Australian 2010 season – “One, two, two, over” And Sir Allen Stanford will find himself up in front of the beak soon as the fraud squad are investigating his $8billion CD Programme which operates worldwide and has been disclosed as a sham – shame.

Till next week…

Other sports:

A virtual reality room in Macau China lets you share the tunnel and dressing room with Man Utd at Old Trafford

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Batwoman is back and she’s a figure-hugging cat suit, red knee-high leather booted - red haired lesbian – Wahoo. She used to knock around in DC Comics from 1956-1979 but now writer Greg Rucku has brought her back, apparently because Batman is dead! He said, “She’s exceptionally cool. Yes, she’s a lesbian. It is not her character. She would be judged on her merits.” – Call them what you like. She’s a lesbian – Wahoo.

Shaggy

13 year old Alfie Pattern who became a father in the UK this week joined action group Fathers for Justice who said they will welcome him and are pleased that he has his own Spiderman costume.

The marriage rates in the UK are in an all time low with only 21.6 men in every 1000 getting hitched – down from 23.6 in 2007. Women are 19.7 in every 1000… hang on, how does that add up! 231,450 tied the know last year. In 1862 58.7 men in every 1000 and 50 women in every 1000 walked down the aisle but the boom year was 1940 when 80.5 men and 63.4 women in every 1000 exchanged vowels – eh! Still don’t get the maths.

But why marry a woman or a man when you can marry a dog. Sangala Manda did and he’s less than two years old. The villagers from where he lives near the Orissa Jajpar district in India said the marriage would protect him from wild animals. It all came about as the lad started to grow a tooth, which is a bad omen. His dad, Sanarwanda said, “We performed the marriage because it will overcome any curse that might fall on the child and the rest of us.” – Life’s a bitch and then you marry one!

Let’s keep it Indian and tell you about the new fizzy drink made from cow urine – yep, Hindus from Haridwar near the Ganges have made Gau Jal – cow water – cow’s piss. Director Om Prakash of the Rashtanja Swajansevak Sangh research centre said, “It will be a revolution of sorts. The acceptance of cow urine as a potent medicine is increasing day by day and once it comes as a cold drink, its demand will definitely increase. It will justify the high stature awarded to a cow in Indian culture.” – Been drinking it for years.

Mahatma Gandhi’s glasses, leather sandals and pocket watch will go on auction this week and are expected to fetch ₤300,000. Born in Pietermariztburg in South Africa and studied law in Britain, Gandhi gave his sandals and glasses to a British officer and said, “These gave me the vision to free India”. After a few pints of Gau Jal I suspect you’d have a mouth like one of his shoes too.

Lastly on the Indian theme, greengrocer Radhakant Baijpai has grown his ear hair to a whopping 25cm’s. He used to hold the record back in 2003 with 13.5 cm’s but the man from Uttar Pradah has been working on them. His wife’s not keen but is backing him; “She is always asking me to cut my ear-hair, but since the official record was confirmed by Guinness, she has allowed me to keep it because it is a source of pride to me. We are currently awaiting for conformation from Guinness that my ear-hair, which stands at 25cm’s, is now the new standard for men with extreme ear-hair.” – You’ve set a precedent Rad – ‘ere’s to you

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “Elvis is still dead” – Narrator: The old ones are the old ones

Women are not the best bosses as once presumed. This extract is taken from top US psychologists who researched students at Emmanuel College Boston and printed these findings in the Psychological Science journal: “At most primitive levels, females may have lower thresholds than males for securing negative visual and auditory information in related same sex individuals. Women may simply weight negative information more heavily than men do because negative information depicts the establishment of intimacy, which serves a more important function in the same sex relationships than for men.” – Hmmm, yes.

On a clearer note Prince Harry is still emulating his granddad by calling a fellow officer a ‘Paki’, a polo friend ‘sooty’, another officer friend in a camouflage veil a ‘raghead’ and most recently said to a comedian, “You don’t sound black”. Clarence House pooh-poohed the sensationalists by stating, “Prince Harry has said sorry for his remarks and has been subjected to normal Army disciplinary procedures. The matter is now closed.” – Which means they fucked the little prick up the arse with a broom handle!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat?’ – Really got to get some new ones!

A remote indigenous tribe in Brazil called the Kulimni has taken to cannibalism. Witnesses said a ritual slaying of a man was performed where they, well, basically cut him up and ate him. Ivor Luis Bwatto co-coordinator for Operation for the Natives of the Americas said, “There are cases of cannibalism in the tribes in Brazil – but it’s been decades since we’ve had an incident.” – Decades…not centuries, bloody decades!

That’s it, if you’re going to have a dispute, eat them. Not like in Malaysia where opposition politician Elizabeth Wong 37 has had to resign from the People for Justice Party after her ex boyfriend posted pictures of her sleeping naked. She suspects the current government are behind this slur as was the case of the rumours that opposition leader, Anwar Ibrahim, was accused of sodomy…twice. That’s how you get rid of someone or do it yourself like Japan’s representative at the G7 who was drunk. Shoichi Nakagana said he was on heavy medicine and that, “What I want the most is to completely recover from this cold.” - Hiccup

Designer Michelle Clair has made a dress that can be worn in 120 different ways – its called the Zipper, she says, “The Zipper dress can be adapted from a full length dress, to a t-shirt, a mini skirt or even a belt and each can be separated from the rest or opened to reveal layers of skin beneath.” – What was that last bit again?

Hitler had chronic flatulence and terrible table manners. A fellow Nazi officer who was captured and made comments about the Furher in a Top Secret dossier reads, “He abstractedly bites his finger nails, he runs his index finger back and forth under his nose and is table manners are a little short of shocking.” He goes on, “This cake eating is responsible for a slight digestive disorder and the addition of a bay window to his already not too fortunate figure.” – Baron Von Nazi Fartpants

Ok lastly German toy makers Viersmann have made models of a couple making love to go with their model railways. The male even gyrates authentically. They are also making prostitutes and flashers who expose themselves to female commuters. Martin Kosa from the firm said, “We give our customers the opportunity to create their own worlds and their own stories with this technology.” – ‘Viersmann – the one track mind’.