Crazy Fool's Newsround - 13th - 19th Nov 09 volume 355

13th - 19th Nov 09 volume 355
November, 18th 2009 15:47 PM

“It sounds so nice, what you’re proposing

Just once or twice, and not disclosing

And not disclosin’ how we’re really really feeling”

(Status Quo)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is sitting, chatting to Billy from the Paper Lace’s… ‘…Don’t be a Hero’ over cocktails in Devon’s bar – the county bar of Devon.

fool: Big in here init.

Billy: keep me pretty head low…keep me pretty head low, that’s all she said.

fool: Yeah well, don’t take it to heart mate, ‘ere have another Devon Daiquiri. That’ll get your motor started. Take your mind off all those arrows in your back. Few more and you’ll be turning the tables on them Indians – get their motor started – get yer Injun’s running – head out on the highway, looking for adventure…

Billy: Yeah alright mate, I get the picture

fool: I don’t think you do Billy boy, I don’t think you do…I don’t think you do…nope, I’m not sure me old cocker, I don’t think you do, don’t get it do you, can’t get the full picture can yer, haven’t grasped it – I don’t think you you do, you do, you do, do you, I don’t think so.

Billy: Ok fool, but what are you saying, what are you suggesting, what you proposing…

Narrator: …And Queue Quo (err, we haven’t got them N, they’ve not arrived; trouble with their van and some farm animals on the way to LoretoFest or something!) – Ok, give me that bloody mic.

1. What is LoretoFest?

2. Which initials did Pamela Anderson have in her ‘Baywatch’ role?

3. Glen Cova and Malling Jewell are types of which fruit?

4. What is detected by a Geiger counter?

5. Which of Scarlet, swine and tiger, is not a type of fever?

6. What colour are natural sponges?

7. Which shredded vegetable goes into sauerkraut?

8. What is a Capuchin? A) A large coffee B) A monk C) A bell-tower

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

After the huge success of cf’s Quiz Night at the Zone Bar last week, we’re due another, but not sure of dates yet because I haven’t done the questions – stay tuned.

WHO AM I? – 2009 – First off the hoof with a dedicated hour’s glance straight from print was the Eagle again, with correct answer Bill Shakespeare (William to his friends) to this clue No.1: “I penned Julius Caesar’s demise.” – and so to new clue No.1, “If a little strange, my proposition was nevertheless worth a packet.”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series – with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 43 or 44 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets and LZ:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 + 1 bonus point, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

I’ve been to Sweden. I found the people there very friendly, kind, trusting people. It makes shoplifting a piece of piss, it really does.

Jack Dee

*Non-descript trivia moment*

CARRY ON FILMS

Carry On…

Up the Kyber…1968

Camping…1969

Again Doctor…1969

Loving…1970

Up the Jungle…1970

fool’s Gold

Orang-utans warn people to stay out of their territory by belching

Elvis Presley weighed 230 pounds at the time of his death

The skin that peels off sunburn is called blype

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

OXTER

Do you prefer those who have shaven or hairy OXTERS? Before you get too excited, the Oxter is the area in the armpit that has hair follicles.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

There hath been a menagerie of failings that have beset my week this past; from taking a strange Yoda-like speech to my shoes that reek of imitation leather stitched together by a blind cobbler who had no reason to Italian fashion other than to mimic originality with cheap relics cushioned betwixt sponge, soft plastic and rubber, available only off the shelf at Tescos in Phuket for 300 Bhat, which is about 416.22 Rupees! Apart from being incredibly conscious of one’s feet’s attire; to which such a step forward should be in any man’s intentions, but alas it is not the foot issue, nor either is it dresses or skirts for that matter; not even those long garb trims that swish around the ankles with anything less than carefree abandon, their tight, rigidness prevents lustful want, unless it is being dropped of course; argh, how the delicate pied leads its suggestions out of her inhibitions, as she steps, naked, from her repressed veil, which caresses her uprights to Valhalla; her stance now dominant, the whip limp at her ankles…corrrikey, move on, move on… but no, instead, those long numbers are persistently worn for no other reason than to look like a Victorian umbrella holder out in all weathers, who know not the lure of flesh – show a bit of knee, girl – damn you. If I were a pirate, not one of those that steal others ideas for the lack of ingenuity but to copy others, but none other than a blackguard on the high seas, that if I were a pirate I’d wear women’s clothes…because I could, but that’s another story. But tether thee not thy irksome dawdling’s on fashion and spree, for in haste to finish this scribble I’ve been to the toilet and dribbled and a wet patch, that soon does grow on beige and no matter how hard you look someone in the eye – they know you’ve dribbled. Yet as calamity has his goat, it be not be this vex that has thoust fucked, but the complete lack of a stand up piano in the corner of my local. It would be great but it’s not there and that’s really goosed my fat this week which will indeed soon be eaten…in about a month, if that tiny Tim bastard doesn’t scoff it all first – Tiny Tim - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Cold cuts for breakfast – nothing too European, just the odd Blood tongue, chorizo, prosciutto ham, some mortadella perhaps, veal loaf, Devon sausage (Daiquiri optional) and the odd slice of salceson…oh and olives of course!

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane, err helicopter, nope, def a plane, no roof though:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam Cracking live music too.

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz –

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…How fights start…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Ok, forget the rowing machine – House for rent; District 1 HCMC – contact the fool!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…more glue please …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

We’ll take a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

Published 19.11.09

From the acidic bowels of Satan did rugby’s nature filter?

The IRB distributed the basic ingredients of rugby last week to practically every playing nation on the earth and told them to get on with it. Some took seed, whilst others lay claim to fodder for the pit of a staunching, rotting, bubbling, spicy-acidic cauldron of a stomach waste that is fit only for vomiting or out t’other end.

France v South Africa

Luckily, the French were not languishing in the bowels of despair, for they did triumph over a stunned Bokkie side 20-13 and did so in such a commanding manner that the only rationale excuse offered by the Africans was to blame it on the boogie.

The fact was that at 11-13 down at half time the French were livid because so far they had taken the MB’s apart, on the whole led by the warrious (made up word) Thierry Dusatoir on the flank.

Smit had earlier rumbled over from a lineout but it wasn’t long before Yann David’s gap finder up the middle and tap on pass from Vietnam’s Trinh-Duc to Vincent Clerc to touch down in the corner made amends. If that wasn’t good enough just watch the French pack destroy the Boks in the sets and the loose on YouTube – inspiring stuff. Ratings for the French – sweet – Boks – vinegary

Wales v Samoa

Wales on the other hand were, if not totally drowned in the acidic pit, but were definitely blistered on the way through the tubes. Their 17-13 win over Samoa was a scrappy encounter, as expected. The islanders are known to disrupt and knock over slow moving trains, even ones where the passengers had disembarked and it was tucked up in the station at night; such was Lolo Lin’s late hit on Dwayne Peel that left him dead for a full three minutes.

Even so, Leigh Halfpenny collected a beauty kick off Dan Biggins to score and Hook had yet another marvellous game, as did plenty of other individuals such as Jenkins and Warburton on the flank, but did they play as a world beating team? No – perhaps it was the yellow jerseys! Ratings for the Welsh – acerbic – the Samoans - biting

Italy v New Zealand

Italy, the whole of Italy, and practically the rest of the world faced up to New Zealand on Saturday night and you’d be forgiven to think they nearly did it. They didn’t…it was 6-20. But then it did take 26 minutes before The Siv could ship off a pass to hooker Cory Flynn to touch down the only score of the game.

The rest was from the boot of McAlistair, and how they had to fight for that. For the Iti forwards gave the Black’s a lesson at scrum-time, albeit a cheating lesson as it turns out; for ref Stuart Dickinson it seams, was penalising the wrong side, and should have in fact been whistling at the Italian tightheads for boring in. But the fool is not here to judge the stewards but to heap turd on the favourites.

The new lads in Delany, Latimer and Ben Smith had to be replaced by old guns in the guise of the Hore’s, McCaw’s and Muiliani’s to secure the win, although it has to be said that Italy never really looked like scoring. Rating for the Blacks – tart – Italy - vitriolic

England v Argentina

Of all the bitterest and most pungent breakdowns required for turning matter into waste, it is nothing compared to England’s debacle of a game, if you could call it that, against Argentina, who do not think just because they’re some South American lightweight who only came over to play 10 man rugby and win at all costs attitude is ok, because it isn’t – simple.

The point is both sides were absolutely diabolical, diabolical in their planning, implementation and any ideas stored in reserve, which was zero. Let’s be clear on this; the first 40 minutes was the worst game of international, nope, any game of rugby I have ever seen in my life. It was ariel ping-pong at its very best, which turned out to be the very worst. The kicks went straight down each others throats, no one chased anything except ‘Mad Dog’ Moody and he even got so frustrated he started to chase his own tail. Any counter attack was non-existent as if it had never been heard of, a blind terror, the waft from Satan’s acidic bowels would have been more pleasing a way to spend the evening – it was simply the ‘C’ word of rugby, and loads of it for that matter a load of old ‘C’.

Cueto tried to have a run, in what were yes, wet conditions, and if the second half did get better, which it did, it still wasn’t close to any kind of rugby. The Argentineans threw the ball perhaps three times more than England but were no where near to being called creative. Counter attack might as well be in a foreign language and the main culprit was Banahan who is a 6ft 7in rabbit caught in the professional headlights, although he did put down the only try of the game courtesy of a Haskell break up the middle where it was shipped wide to Cueto who offloaded to Harvey. Ratings for both sides – shit.

Scotland v Fiji

Scotland managed a good first half performance against the Fijians and although became frustrated with the lack of continuity in the second were still ‘satisfied’ according to Andy Robinson on the 23-10 outcome.

They looked slick in the first 40, put in some good moves. Beattie fed Cusiter from a lineout, who then carved his way up the middle and off-loaded back to Beattie who took two of the island big fellas over with him to score the opener.

Verenkia Goneva pulled a canny one back for the ‘south siders’ after Simon Danielle inexplicably cut inside in defence to open up the hole! Morrison scored a mystery score in the second, mystery because I can’t remember it and that as they say was that. Ratings – Scotland mordant – Fiji – abrasive

Ireland v Australia

And so we turn to the game that delivered the cheese, with Ireland and Australia’s 20-20 draw at Croke Park. It had it all; ferocity, tension, flair and moustaches*

Drew Mitchell was the first to flash the tache with an intercept try off an outstretched attempt of a catch by B.O’D. and before we knew it the game had bite.

The Aussies seemed to have the upper hand on speed in the early stages and were also keen to display a better kicking game through the likes of The Git and Cooper, although Quade did fade away with ball in hand towards the end of the game.

The referee blew up everything at the breakdown, making any more prospecting scores a difficulty, so in the sheds at 10-6 to Australia at half time was the call. Early in the second half Cian Healy who had a good game at tighthead, even if the Aussies did in fact steam roll the Irish pack on many an occasion, nevertheless Cian set up a bullocking run for eight phases to proceed thereafter and Bowe was on call in the midfield on the end of two simple passes to touch down for a try.

The Aussies were not too ruffled by this and continued to turn over ball at the other end where play switched from side to side before Rocky was put away in space in the corner, which was handy because that’s where he scored. The Git popped the kick too.

But the day wasn’t over and the Irish found themselves marauding frantically in the Aussies 22 through phase after phase, until they were eventually rewarded a five-metre scrum, from which Thomas O’Leary snapped a delayed pass off the break and found B.O’D to score under the posts for his 100^th cap. O’Gara slotted the equalisers, which would have put a smile on Edward Woodwood’s face!

*http://au.movemberfoundation.com/research-and-programs

Guinness Premiership – no, but there are some LV=Cup games: nup

Top 14 – none on

Magners League: nup, not this week

ANZ Cup ugh ugh

Some shorts: ok

Sack Ras Dumanas and bring back Bob – he wouldn’t have made a hash of it! The FFR have made a public apology for what Victor Matfield called Ras’ version of Nkosi Sikelel iAfrica a ‘joke’. But then the Toulouse based rapper is the biggest thing since the rubber necklace in back in Durban

Just to tickle us even further this week was the Boks loss to Saracens 24-23 in what was a rip-roaring, thigh-slapping and fun-sparked cracker of a game. To add pepper to dish, sponsors, Investec labelled the billing as Investec Shoot Out Challenge, where upon at half time spectators were offered £250,000 to hit the cross bar from 40ms out. Young Stuart Turner plumb booted it on the very first attempt – happy days.

Anyway, enough of that rubbish, let’s have:

fool says :

Wales take on Argentina where Gatland refuses to put their scrum on a pedestal but does predict them (Pumas) to kick more than last week – so be prepared to throw your telly through the window. Wales will beat them…by a lot, let’s say, 26-9

France have made 12 changes to face Samoa, to perk up the ‘physical freshness’ as Lievremont put it. France will beat the islander 21-15.

England have, at last, the ECCS captain and Lions and 36 year old soon to be Dirty Geckos player back at their disposal in Simon Shaw, Along with Mathew Tait in the squad to redeem creative credibility in the backs. The Kiwis on the other hand have blamed any kind of kicking game firmly on the northern Hemisphere’s shoulders even though it was them that implemented the ELV’s!

The odds are firmly stacked against England, but as scrum coach Graham Rowntree states, “Let’s be frank, we have got nothing to lose have we?” – For that reason fool’ll plumb for England 23-20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You want another upset that should really not happen, nay if fool didn’t have an incline it probably wouldn’t but Scotland the Brave have improved. Australia will never disrespect any foe, nor ever give in but they will lose against the Jocks 27-24

In Italy I’d love to say the Boks will lose their fourth match on tour but alas it will not happen. South Africa 27-11

That just leaves Ireland’s win over Fiji, which will be a battle, but won it shall be – 28-19

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Shouldn’t we have been the first picture!

http://au.movemberfoundation.com/research-and-programs

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

I didn’t say that diddle I!

If one Duckworth is a Lewis in the bush then England would have two in the hand by now, yet favour could only fortune them in the first bout of Twenty/20’s where they plundered South Africa’s total by one run in a rain soaked match.

In the second Twenty/20 England were routed by Loots Bosman’s 95 and a total teams knocking of 17 sixes and 19 fours.

Captain Cook, at last got his title the tabloids were hoping for, but alas had to cough up 20% of his takings for a slow over rate and the rest of the team copped it too at 10% each.

And what an awful stink it caused too, as South Africa trundled away with proceedings on a massive 241 in that second Twenty/20, which prompted Mickey Arthur to whip out the dogs bollocks and taunt the opposition furiously with them, nostrils a-flaring and ears a-flapping. He strutted up and down the press conference calling England ‘predictable’ and all so riddled with his countryman’s home-grown talent.

Flower immediately responded by saying he wasn’t about to wrangle himself into the Proteas boss’s mind games and then immediately got himself into them, protesting how he would deal with such claims, if he were to get involved, that is of course suggesting he wouldn’t get involved, however, but doing so, was involved. But not being involved he didn’t say, “I am very clear about how I want to approach the balance between being confident and modest.” – Although, don’t quote me on that, because I wasn’t there…or was I!

Good job too, for now he can extract such virtue from the said spoutings, which wasn’t of course muttered at all, but had they been he would have been pleased as punch for England just knocked off South Africa ‘A’ team by four wickets in Potchefstroom.

South Africa posted 279, to did which at the hands of Levi, Trott and Prior manage the creamy topping by a comfortable 11 runs. Puttick set the Proteas tone with a healthy 62, but Levi’s 71 off 65 and Trott and Prior’s last stand only pre-emptied the belief in the Africans bowlers, to whom Alan Donald has little faith in come Test time on 16^th December, as he edges England’s bets on that count; “The England attack is a nose in front with tall bowlers, guys who can make the ball talk, guys who bowl heavy lengths.” – He said, rattling the ball to see if it responds.

Moving on briefly to Langer’s appointment as batting coach for Australia and Mahela Jayawardene’s 204 against India…no, actually we don’t need to. Let’s leave it there.

That’s it for this week

http://au.movemberfoundation.com/research-and-programs

Other sports:

A £100m fight is on the cards for Manny Pacquiao v Floyd Mayweather Jnr after Magic Manny duffed his way up to seven world titles by whipping Puerto Rican Miguel Cotto’s arse. I’ve got a mate called Miguel – if you’re listening mate – alright, how are yer – it’s been a long time.

Manny peppered Cotto’s face like a pheasant poacher’s arse (that’s two) with knock downs in the 3^rd from a right and the 4^th from a left hook. 55 seconds into the 12^th round, it was all over, as his face had turned into a hamburger…no lettuce.

Promotor Bob Arum says the Manny/ Floyd fight would be billed as the biggest ever, and his opinion on Manny is modest; “Manny is the best fighter I have ever seen, that includes Muhammad Ali, Marvin Haggler and Sugar Ray Leonard.” – But then Bob’s a three

Still no roof

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Just a few for you today, so pay attention or you’ll miss ‘em. You, at the back, pay attention I said. Thank you.

Viagra for women… I thought that was Viagra. Apparently not. They’ve made some new stuff, it’s called Flibosserin, which is a great name in my book, in fact I think I’ll call the whole book that. Like all good drugs it came about as an accident, which uncannily is how Viagra was produced. This Flibo stuff was first experimented with as an anti-depressant. Well, how wrong could you be. It was soon discovered to have the powers of generating more ‘drive’ and ultimately ‘satisfaction’. Boff John Thorp of North Carolina University said, “Astute observers noticed that it increased libido in laboratory animals and humans. It is essentially a Viagra type for women.” – Weird mob those Uni types – all that animal sex testing… ‘No, this one doesn’t like it…next.” – What’s that song, ‘He fucks animals, we fuck animals, we fuck animals oh yeah, you bring out the animal in me…’ Oh, no sorry, that’s cannibals by Toto Coelo… Move along the bus…

Don’t fuck with me

Mind you, if the Flibo-gear kicks in, dress down a bit, by at least 40%. Or more’s to the point have 40% of flesh showing. I think is referring to women, but you go for it. If you show a bit of arm and leg then you’ll get approached twice as much as if you were presumably dressed in a duffle coat and wearing a balaclava. Leeds University psychologist Colin Hendrie, who when not playing football or snooker, hired four female researchers to hit the clubs and put in 70 man hours to record their findings - That’s it Colin, send in a chick to do a man’s hour. Mind you, that’s along time to go clubbing, must have been the Flibo to keep ‘em going.

Anyway, they noted that at 10% for each arm, 15% for each leg, no good for Heather, and 50% for the torso, the ‘flashers’ so to speak were going home happy. John said, “Any more than 40% and the signal changes from ‘allure’ to one indicating general availability and future infidelity. Show some leg; show some arm, but not any more than that.” – See, it’s in the Leeds University psychology sex manual – don’t say you haven’t been warned if Mr. Big sees a gaping neckline and tends to leers towards your future infidelity.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘I eat cannibals & other tasty trax’ has a picture of five tasty 80’s girls wearing plastic on their record sleeve. Prove me wrong! That’s from the 80’s and not in their 80’s – I’m not sick, although I did see some decent puppies in a picture of Joan…Armatrading…no. of Arc… nuh…Collins, yes Collins, just recently, and she’s 87.

Sort of cannabilish, well, along the same weird lines are the Chinese.

Oh yes, the rest of it. The Chinese half cook a carp then eat it whilst it’s still alive. As they’re frying it they keep the head wet in a damp cloth to keep it breathing and then wriggle up on a plate and Young So Fat’s you’re uncle!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “Remember, half the people you know are below average.”

That's why

Ok, women slap on…lot to do with women this week…doesn’t matter. Women slap on up to 515 chemicals on their face and body and day. Just so the boys down at North Carolina’s animal sex centre can get through the day, ‘That’s it, pucker up bunny, let’s see how long you last this time.’

The chemicals are in mascara, lipstick, nail varnish and the like. Most of these slap-ons contain on average around 30+ different kinds of chemicals, but hey, the big one, perfume has no less 250 minimum.

Charlotte Smith from the deodorant firm Bionsen, who carried out the survey said, “The new ‘wonder treatments’ contain more chemicals to be able to achieve better results, which means that women are more at risk.” – Pah, rubbish, in the old days Mrs Miggins would slap half a gallon of full-leaded road marking paint on her mooey and still have time for a few rodents in her bun and the odd winkle on the cheek. On that note I’m going to see if I can squeeze any more pus out of a sore finger I have.