13th - 19th May 2011 volume432
May, 18th 2011 19:50 PM

“When you see your ship is sailing

When you feel your heart is breaking”

(ELO)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With fool

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 19.5.11                                           

For Elements of: 27 Regiment; Royal Logistic Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Lock ‘n’ load

Strap on condoms have caused a sensation in the States.

 

Former carpenter Beau Thompson had a terrible experience unravelling the traditional sheath one night so he came up the idea of putting two handy straps on the wood cover to enable a quick and easy pump action.

 

‘I couldn’t see anything so I tried to open the window to take advantage of the street lights, but I couldn’t really see anything. Between the alcohol and the fumbling it was one big flop.’ – He surmised.

 

Named the Sensis, his simple adaptation has proved popular in Miami and he now plans to take it to Europe.

 

‘I’ve sold two million of them in the US, so I know they work.’

 

Reeks of one-armed discrimination if you ask the fool – what’s that bloke from Def Leopard gong to do!

 

Meanwhile a British biotech company have come up with Viagra condoms. Having been extensively tried and tested, the results conclude to offer a, ‘firmer and bigger’ appreciation.

 

Durex mixed a gel inside the prophylactic that was inspired by the generic compound used to treat angina. It invigorates the blood flow thus enhancing the chances of tumidity – big word for a big job.

 

Officially known as CSD500 it is more commonly known as the Viagina Enhancer and yes, you guessed it, if Beau gets in on the act it’ll be the strapadictomy.


And we’re off…

The world’s biggest mass circumcision was rejected by the Guinness Book of World Records.

 

Vice Mayor Jose Fabien Cadiz of Marikina in the Philippines said, in regards to the de-crowning of 1,500 young lads, ‘We applied to the Guinness Book of World Records and we are recording all the data so we can send to them and hopefully it will be recognised.’

 

Spokeswoman for the GBWR Jamie Panas wrote back saying, ‘The Guinness Book of World Records does not recognise the number of medical procedures within a set period or time or in a mass group due to hygiene considerations and risks.”

 

Fabien; ‘Ok everybody, give them back – all bets are off.’


 

Cold Cuts

A Swiss man got cold feet after agreeing to be eaten by a Slovakian cannibal.

 

After discussing the prospect on the phone from his home in Kysak he realised the man was serious and chickened out then called the police.

 

Police said, ‘His advert said he wanted someone who would agree to be put to sleep then killed, cut up and eaten.’

 

In the pursuing arrest a gun fight broke out where the cannibal and a policeman were shot and are now recovering in hospital.

 

The cannibal cracked under pressure during interrogation after police promised he could have their colleague for tea if he didn’t pull through.

 

Meanwhile over in Russia, police arrested a man by following a trail of limbs that led to his kitchen where they caught him eating a human liver with potatoes… mmm, reminds fool of bacon.


 

Zombies… keep an eye out

May is zombie awareness month. Kicking into its 4th year Matt Mogk, the founder/ head of the Zombie Research Society brought out a children’s book to amplify his campaign.

 

Called, ‘That’s Not Your Mommy Anymore’ Matt describes it as Dr Zeus meets Night of the Living Dead.

 

It contains verses such as, ‘When she’s clawing at the Kitchen door, that’s not your mommy anymore, when her face looks like an apple core, that’s not your mommy anymore.’

 

Suggesting a zombie take-over might happen soon, Matt stresses the timing of such an event is highly unpredictable; ‘we will never know when it will happen until it does. And we won’t have time to react, it will just be run and scream time.’


It is also National Masturbation Month in Brazil, which is handy for 36 year-old accountant Ana Caterina Bezerra, because she’s just been legally granted by a judge to be allowed to masturbate at work and watch porn on her computer.

 

Ana suffers from anxiety and hypersexuality when watching viral stories, so much so, that she has to flick the pea up to 47 times a day.

 

Realising that might be unusual, she said, ‘That’s when I asked for help, I knew it wasn’t normal.’


Thanks Batman

Batman would love to help us but he unfortunately has been arrested due to his dangerous utility belt.

 

John Calabrese 31 from Petoskey, Michigan was found dangling off a building at 1a.m. whilst in the throws of protecting the streets.

 

Police say John, with his belt containing lead lined gloves, a baton and a chemical spray, ‘enjoys doing this’ and is a cult figure in the streets of Petoskey.

 

On John’s Myspace he wrote, ‘likes to help people where (he) can.’

 

Obviously likes helping the police boost their charge sheets by getting stuck on a rooftop 30ft above the ground, whilst dressed as a bat – get a cat suit mate.


 

Food for thought

A 6-year-old Croatian lad has a magnetic body and can carry up to 25 kg’s on his torso.

 

He also has healing hands whereby he generates warmth and soothes pains. He is also incredibly strong and can carry 50lb bags of cement – he’d be great working in a kitchen; carry the spuds, scorch… sizzle the steak, vroom… then as soon as you’re done with the frying pan, throw it at him.


Bastards

Fuel for thought

Scientists in Lincolnshire are recycling the oil from Cornish pasties and re-filtering it with a mix of normal diesel to make fuel for cars.

 

Green company Greenergy can extract 30% of the oil from processed foods and turn it into fuel for everyday use. Oh I see, it’s not just Cornish pasties, but all wasted food, because you’d have to make a lot of pasties just to throw away, in fact, you’re still relying on waste, I thought all wasted food went to the poor, now the bloody do-gooders are turning into oil tycoons in their own right… scowling the shanty towns of Sao Palo and Cape Town looking for starving kids picking the crumbs off an old discarded pasty then, wham, swiping it from their very bellies to make fuel, fuel… we need more fuel…


Fuel for thought

 

When you’ve got fuel who needs enemas!

Police in Sonoma US are still baffled why a woman who gave a partially blind 53 year-old man an enema in his home.

 

Two weeks after intestinal surgery he received a knock at the door whereby the woman entered, told him to drop his kacks and lean over the bed – the whole procedure took two minutes.

 

Days later the man became perturbed, as he was told no follow up treatment was necessary. So when police quizzed his doctor and the hospital they were surprised to find no one had been assigned to conduct an enema.

 

Be careful; be afraid, it’s Buttwoman


 

Haven’t got time to tell you about the police crackdown on South Korean prostitutes, China’s exploding melons, or which porn stars featured in Bin Laden’s stash… still thinking about the Brazilian accountant.

 

 (Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Although Wikipedia credits ‘slap and tickle’ to a British euphemism for a little bit of ‘how’s your father, it also reckons Squeeze’ song of the said phrase is popularised by their bass player’s funky style on this track – in a critique’s world I’d have to say that’s bollocks.’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘It’s half past three? – Talking Tim

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘They always say take an aspirin for a headache – who wants a headache?’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


‘Delicious fool. Can I order same again for sometime next week? Frozen please’

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

 

 

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

 


www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*Undercover customs officers nabbed a man from Thailand as he checked in a flight from Bangkok to Dubai with baby leopards, panthers, a bear and monkeys in his suitcase. They are worth £3000 in the UAE. - Wonder which one the customs officer was?

 

*An escaped bull from a transport truck ran amok in Sao Jose de Rio Preto in Brazil and ended up in a clothes shop posing as a mannequin. As crowds gathered men captured it with lassoes as it crashed through the window. Shop worker David Nunes who hid in the toilet said, ‘that sort of thing never happens.’

 

*A woman swerved to avoid a rabbit in country roads in Grafenwoerth Austria and ended up going through a hedge and into a swimming pool. Police said, ‘this rarely happens.’

 

 

Number crunching


 

*American timber and iron tycoon Wellington Burt left $100m in his will, which he stipulated could only be divided up 21 years after the death of his surviving grand child. 92 years later 12 heirs aged between 19 and 94 stand to get up to $16m each. (He had favourites)

 

*In China’s Got Talent, Bai Deng Chun sliced 12 hanging cucumbers in half, in 100 seconds, by throwing playing cards at them.

 

*Britain’s Red Wheelies; a mobility scooter formation team, plan to cover the greatest distance in 24 hours. They’ve already accomplished two 150mile rides – one being the full length of Hadrian’s Wall. They’re coach said, ‘They were going across fields you couldn’t ride a horse across, when these women get something in their heads they don’t let go.’ – Forget the, ‘these’ coach.

 

*British Gran Jeanne Socrates became the oldest woman to sail solo around the world. The 68 year-old took 14 months to travel 25,000 miles in her 38ft yacht. She said she’d celebrate in her own way, ‘by being at one with the ocean.’ – How crap’s that – all the family in the Nelson’s Arms waiting to chug ‘em back and granny Greek’s sitting on the starboard bow with a look like she’s just been visited from Buttwoman!

 

*Meanwhile Mexican tycoon sat at the quayside restaurant in Poole Dorset to see his brand spanking new 112ft super yacht unveiled. As he sat down to a few sambuca’s the £12m vessel immediately went up in flames and required 50 firefighters to douse his dream. Officials blamed lightening or an electrical fault.

 

*Charlie Wittmack covered his 10,000 mile triathlon three weeks ahead of schedule. He swam 275 miles down the Thames in London, over the Channel, where the French docked him for landing at the beach, which apparently is illegal, then a nine thousand bike ride to Calcutta, where he ran the last 950 miles and finished at the top of Everest. Unfazed by triathlon’s descriptions of calling it the most extreme physical achievement ever by a human, Charlie just wanted a pizza.

 

*Need to know about planets that spin backwards or one that boffs have found habitable…? No, didn’t think so.

 

*The most expensive car at £1.77m is the Lamborghini Sesto Elemento, but it’s not allowed on the roads because it only weighs about 3ounces.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out! … still waiting!!!

 

p.p.s. sport is back – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 

 


Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz


 

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