Holidays depress me and make me want to smoke cannabis!

Globally the world is gearing up for the holiday seasons, which consist of either an extended summer in the northern hemisphere or a couple of week's winter breaks in the South. But is everyone ready for yet another holiday?

cfn's recent survey of a billion people aged between 2 - 87 was quizzed on holidays, work and sausages. Over half the mentally aged people of 21 or above were in total agreement that holidays were something to be earned from crisp packets, who give them away with each new house bought on the ‘government appeasement' policy, which was re-introduced this year.

Jobs with no set or substantial holidays in the working calendar year, such as dodgem car operators, customs officers in the red channel and teachers said that nine out of eight times they were in a flux as to whether they were actually at work or in fact stroking their R&R holiday trust hairs thus leading to a great deal of back-combing and stress, which can easily spill over into over eating of fatty and soon to be taxable foods, and therefore sub-sequentially trekking on the high road to depression.

you at work

With the sultana rise of this current pressurised state of being over a tonne of ‘workers' said they turned to the grade ‘C' drug cannabis for ‘light relief', which also brings up the question by numerous ‘mental' doctors as to its possession of paranoical qualities, which can account for instability in the work/holiday place and has in turn led primeval measures taken by snorting backbenchers to revert the Lord's flower as a grade ‘B' drug.

Teacher Harry Smythe said he's been in a quandary as to the level of perpetual ‘moaning', as he puts it, of staff in the education business and their credibility as to ever actually having a real job as being the underlying factor of pleasure and reform, as opposed to the arduous task of hiding prominent anti-Russian Putin de-activists who... (Story continued on pages 23, 24, 25 and 96)

But now it's time for Play of the Day:

productions presents

The Scene: Orwell, Hemmingway, Franco and fool are on a tea-break from the civil war in 1933 in Café Dowhatyouwanna, down-town, Spain. Hemmingway is blind drunk on Pacharan and whiskey mix and is picking a fight about alter-realism with Orwell who casually sits listening, whilst powdering his rifle barrel, ramming home the shot and staring down the sights directly at him. fool is about to light a Bastardos cigarette when Franco intervenes...

Franco: What are you doing? Our war is on hold for five minutes and already you discredit the common law of a totalitarian state by flouting with the customs of domination.

Hemmingway: Don't be such a fascist Franco, take a break.

Franco: Oh, like you are - always crapping on about hardships, life with no shoes, and getting pissed and fighting. Why don't you take a break.

Orwell: Hmmm, maybe you're right Francis, I was in a passive mood shackled with  a flaming ungovernable, yet calm homicidal tone of righteously intoned homicidal actions and was therefore about to smoke that cantankerous old scrote, ( He says nodding to Hem) but then thought, ‘that wouldn't have looked good back on the set eh'.

(fool lights his cigarette)

Franco: Not you two, idiots, I was talking to fool; (Turns to fool) Brussels has spoken fool; you're not allowed to smoke anywhere, anytime, anything...ever.

(Hem and Orwell look at each other and laugh a hearty Errol Flynn hero's mad-capped roar and turn to Franco in unison saying...)

...We're in Spain - you always can...anywhere, anytime, anything.

Franco: Touché el titterers and we're still on a tea break...suckers.

Franco & Hem: Oh, Franny, you tinker...

Narrator: ...sorry, are we done? Roll in the quiz chaps, while I smoke these wankers. (Sound of a semi-automatic weapon being loaded)

• 1. What province does Jim Morrison mention in the opening song to this week's drivel and nonsense?

• 2. In what year did Captain James Cook land at Botany Bay, Australia?

• 3. Doraphobin is the fear of what?

• 4. What was Pirate, Blackbeard's real name?

• 5. Where was Captain James Cook killed?

• 6. What colour is cochineal?

• 7. How many squares are there on a, A) Scrabble board B) Chess board C) Monopoly board?

Answers, as always under *Comps & results. To the astute or just those who read the bloody thing, last week's answers weren't there, seen as there wasn't a quiz last week, as there wasn't indeed a publication! However, the answers to quiz volume 240 will be...there this week...get it, got it, good.

I also think the *WHO AM I? had been had, so here's anew: ‘I was born in 1940, and died in...hang on...am I dead?'

Is it me?

In the real mean and angry time let's look at where to eat, drink, fart, buy and walk this summer/winter...wherever you are...

cfn proudly presents

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Every Sunday get as much Sangria and paella down your gullet for only 195,000vnd - in every currency that's a steal - don't make me come and find you - I found myself once...it was scary!

GTM: Garden & Leisure furniture built and shipped to your requirements. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn - You design, they design, it's all a good show. Give them a call.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: July's meat tray is out now - I want those kidneys dude.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - you'll love it. I do.

Al Frescos: Double your pizzas but only pay for one - every Tuesday - just nuts! Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

For the love of God, has anyone bought that pool table from the *classifieds yet?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And now folks, what's in store in this week's cfn? - *Digger and *Trigger are back with all the form and banter in the AFL and Aussie gee gee's.

*Tit-bits are always up for it, and indeed have some informative news this week. *Fishman's back with his second edition - caught him yet? *Poetry corner can stay as is for another week, And the *Bongo Massif Bro's are warming up as I speak.

But what's this, another rant from Mr. Meaner - ‘You're going down fool. I know you, I know where you hide. I pity the fool.'

fool says, ‘You're not Mr. T, but just a scary WWE, on steroids and ‘C', yo, you don't frighten me, with your fake submissions and counts to three...I'm going for a cup of tea.

Mr Meaner gets tough

But now, let's get ready to rumble-gbee... (To be read at eye owner's discretion)

Well, we'll skip through this quickly, cos I've got to get to my dad's birthday party - yes I hear you, ‘go to more party's will you'! ... I'm lying of course; it's going to be the usual page and a half. But it's good to be back.

Suffice to say I didn't see last week's game where the All Black's put 21 points on the Boks in the last 15 minutes to finish them 33-6, but I do know that Jake White (Boks coach) wasn't and isn't impressed with the All Blacks sole intent on scoring tries! So much so that he reckons their lack of defensive devotion and tactical play might cost them the potential Webb Ellis Trophy.

Henry, and at last I find him amusing, replied, "He's probably right. If you played a game that was dry and kicked the ball in the air, chased it and dropped goals, I think we would be a very poor side." - Jake's right though!

Meanwhile Jerry Collins condensed the drivel to, "Jake White - he says a lot of things." - Thanks Jerry.

This weekend we head to Eden Park, Auckland for the Bledisloe Cup, which incidentally is named after an Englishman; Charles Bathurst, who was born in Gloucester in 1867 and became a Lord and eventually a Viscount in 1913. He shared allegiances with both the towns of Lydney and Aylburton, Gloucester and didn't want to upset either, so took their collective regional and Anglo-Saxon name of Bledisloe.

In 1931 he was sent to N.Z. to be Governor General, where in the same year and on the eve of the Wellington game between the A.B.'s and Australia a cup of worth was quickly rustled up and took forth his name - being a farmer the Kiwi's loved him. - Baa!

Anyway, I digress; Henry has made three changes from last week, which really wouldn't make a jot of difference to a first team list. - Their All Backs.

Whilst on the other hand Aussie David Lyons has defended the ‘cheat' calls on A.B Richie McCaw from irate, losing, murdering bastards South Africa by praising the skipper's play, "The thing about good Sevens (Openside flankers) is that they play on the edge all the time and all of them sometimes will be critised by different people so you've got to expect that.' - Anyone who's too good is either a cheat or on drugs...probably both!

‘Knuckles' Connolly has been under fire this week from old Wallaby head, i.e. Tim Horan. Tim isn't keen on Chris Latham being on the bench after only two games back from a long injury. ‘Knuckles' was a bit miffed with the ex-centre and said so, "I've left a message for him (Horan) this morning, I said, ‘What are you up to?' Selections are all about opinions, aren't they?" - I don't know, what do you think?

‘Knuckles' has made one good selection though; Adam Ashley-Cooper (Poncy name) at No.15. And he said this to, pretty much players on both sides, "Opportunities to play in Tests like this don't come around too often and Saturday night will be a very special occasion. For a number of players it will be the biggest match of their career." - Rugby, a career, it's great eh!

fool's prediction: 27-18 ... All Blacks.

Ok, some rugby smalls: as Ashton cuts his squad from 46 to 40 this week, Dan Carter has been talking about the rise and fall and rise of Sgt Wilko, "He is definitely as good as me and is still finding his feet coming back into the game. At his best he was definitely world class and (at his best, W.C. 2003) I would probably say he was a bit better than me." - Not so much gel though.

England's Julian White has pulled out of the world cup to become a farmer! - He wants a cup named after him eh!

Namibia has named their 30-man W.C. squad already and Argentinean prop Rodrigo Roncero said their Florida training camp is very hard and intense but, "We are all very happy." - Florida; ‘Some Like it Hot'!

South Africa's Butch James is going to Bath after the W.C. and N.Z's Luke McAlister is off to Sale...probably, he said, "They've got a good side and some good players and I grew up in Manchester which helps. I don't want to play in New Zealand for the rest of my life. I don't want to go overseas when I'm 30." - ... ‘Exodus, movement of Ja people...'

Some results:

Asian Cup: Laos 20 - 3 Indonesia.

Bruno Darren&Salami 17 - 16 Laos

Argh, Shute Shield, NSW, Aus: Plate Qualifying Final: not so Manly 38 -35 good old Gordon

Plate Elimination Final: Parradoesn'tmatta 44 - 14 Penrith not Jock-land.

N.Z.: Ranfurly Shield (Thought to be the instigator of the Bledisloe Cup!): North Harbour 99 - 6 Horowhenim-kpiti.

And lastly; the Fijian officials accused of smoking cannabis before their Australian game in Perth last month have all been cleared. FRU Chief Exec Timoa Tavanovanuo said, "I hope the media that helped spread this grog-bowl gossip will have the decency to come clean and apologise." - They were cleared by the Fijian Sports Drug Agency - Smell anything! Meanwhile winger Rupeni Caucaunibueu is still on a three month scapegoat ban for smoking cannabis!

Let's take a gander at the cricket:

England did a splendid job in handing The Windies the recent ODI series prompting Peter Moores to pout, "We're not going to make our one-day team overnight, but we can make mood shifts, work hard and progress." - Mood shifts; do you live with one of them? We'll leave it at that shall we.

Rumours are abound that Stresco is to re-appear from the Pakistani cab driver's boot, and grace the South African paddock for the Twenty20 World Cup in September, as Peter Moores said, "Watch this space." - ...Keep watching.

no cab drivers please

England kick-off their three Test series v India today at Lord's, and do so with a bowling entourage of just 37 Tests and 127 wickets between them. Michael Vaughan said, "It will be very interesting to see how they react to playing in front of a lot of people and against a very good batting team." - I think Sidebottom and Anderson will come out smoking a joint, Monty will do some cartwheels and a spot of Sikh break-dancing and Stuart Broad will start eating the ball as if it were an apple.

Monty, whose parents were born in India says, "I've got friends and family who support India and me - so they can't lose." - £10 each way please! ...Keep watching.

Bollywood babe

After his recent 23 Test wickets against the Windies, Monty was in a more realistic mood facing the Indians, "It is a difficult series and difficult to get wickets against such top players. India are very experienced so I want to be realistic.' - Century with the bat says fool!

KP on the other hand has been quizzed as to his show biz personal life, now he's married to Liberty X's Jessica Taylor, he says of his party nights, "Sure, I don't do it as much but I still love a night out. I'll still get home at five or six in the morning, but there's a time and a place." - See kids, it's ok.

Talking of the slog of actual hard work and that he hasn't missed a Test in three years he commented, "It's a hard, gruelling, business waking up to an alarm everyday. It takes the edge off." - Then having to get up and go out having to play a sport you love eh!

When asked about if the one day possibility of captaining England's Test side in the future would hold any grudges over not ever having the chance to do so for South Africa he said, "No way, how much do you want a bet? I do not support South Africa in anything. Politics has got in the way of everything there. I love rugby and I've been tuning into the Tri-Nations, but only the All Blacks v Australia. I didn't watch South Africa - I'm just not interested." - Who is since Francois Pienaar stopped being Pope.

Other sports:

Bar from boring you with the ever chopping and changing leader of the Tour de France, I'll just give you a couple of facts each week on this race of druggie races;

proper athlete

The first one started in 1903, making it well over 23 years old. This year it went passed my house. It covers 2,148 miles in three weeks. There are always a lot of druggies who take part - last year winner Yank, Floyd Landis was booted out for drugs and unofficially the second placed rider, Spaniard Oscar Pererio was considered No.1.till he was booted out for drugs - next on the list is German Andreas Kloeden.

In chair dancing:

Between 1997 and 2001 - 104 North American and Canadian professional ‘Wrestlers' who were under the age of 50 have died, from and I quote, ‘painkillers, alcohol, cocaine, steroids and bangs to the head.' - Mostly, I would guess, all taken at the same time.

wrestlers

And now some World News:

Bill Shakespeare's Scottish play, Macbeth, the nude version has been extended, no pun intended, in Virginia, no spelling mistake intended, U.S.

another Scottish play

It was revealed recently that Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood had to borrow £250k off Mick and Keef after going bust. He went bust in 2004 after he lost £8m in his exclusive Harrington Club in South Kensington. Well that's just careless, my mum always told me to put my hanky on top of my money in my pocket. Ronnie now peddles his own artwork and is building a racing stable - isn't that a contradiction in terms - a racing stable!

art

34 year Susan McBride is suing Detroit City Council because one of her colleagues perfume was too strong, so strong that she almost fainted...but she didn't. Another fat bloke in England is suing a small florist after he slipped on a petal in the road outside the shop. fool is soon to be sued for nearly coming up with a story!

sue it with flowers

One of the most popular places for a risky romp is in the ladies changing room of a shop!

hmmm

The richest man in the world is Mexican Carlos Fliuer Heln on £33b. Next is pauper Bill Gates on a mere £29b. Carlos earns, yes, earns a gross income of £1.1m an hour! Jamie Oliver has only got £40m - which makes him a bit of a damp squid.

no money can afford these

New techno gadgets have made people under 30 thick...er, forgetful. A quarter do not know their own landline phone number. 90% of over 50's know close family birthdays and at least on average 6 phone numbers. 60% have to write down passwords, which misses the point really. And a half use the same pin numbers for different banks. Six out of ten use the same password on line. Bof Ian Robertson said, "The over 50's grew up committing more to memory, whereas the under 30's are heavily reliant on technology.' - There's a lot of ologies these days.

another ology

Catholic schoolboy Max Hell was omitted entrance into St Peter the Apostle's school in Australia unless he changed to his mum's maiden name of Wembridge. Dad, Alex took it to the media explaining, "We are the victims of our name." - The renounced its decision.

would you adam and eve it

Between 200,000 and 450,000 years ago an almighty flood swept over Sussex and washed away the chalk hills separating Britain from Europe. Let's let Chris Stringer from the National History Museum explains, "This could have been one of the most powerful floods ever. It would have cut through the chalk hills joining Britain to Europe and created a Niagara-style waterfall 400ft high." - See there is a God.

waterfall

A 16 year schoolboy from Aylsham Norfolk, England bought a PlayStation 2 and two games off eBay for £95. On receiving the box he got the PS2 but no games, in the box instead was 65,400 Euros. He handed it in to the police - fool (Not me) - who explained that if the, probably, dirty money wasn't claimed within three months it was his. - That could happen on cfn's classifieds...but I doubt it.

Belgian Jessie Niis is the first in the queue at Waterstone's bookshop in London's Piccawilly Circus for HP's The Deathly Hallows. - Why bother, it's on the net!

Ok, lastly in a global sex survey of 27,000 people (No goats) between the ages of 18-30 said that they wanted sex three times a week - don't get married. Two thirds of British women want at least 15 minutes of foreplay before sex - again, not for the married. 30% of British men want to do it outdoors, and they'd like the gals to take the lead or was that be on a lead, you can't tell these days. Half the English women like funny men, whilst 42% of Brazilians like intelligent men - it didn't say if that came from men or women! 80% of English women do not like bad manners and almost half of the Latin Americans don't like the dirty talk - again, it doesn't say about men or women. In Holland 70% of the men do not like pushy women and are put off when the women folk say, ‘does this feel good?' - Whilst the other 30% lay awake dreaming of that.

whats your preference?

Take a break.

Just cf it

cf