Crazy Fool's Newsround - 13th - 19th August 2010 volume 393

13th - 19th August 2010 volume 393
August, 18th 2010 14:23 PM

“Some of those that work forces

Are the same that burn crosses”

(Rage Against the Machine)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 19.8.10

For 16^th Regiment Royal Artillery

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Animal, vegetable or Dave?

The Swiss, renowned for their…ba-dum-pum…timing, have clocked a 37 year-old Swede at 180mph, thus issuing the world’s biggest speeding fine of £650,000 for a vegetable.

Toddling along the A12 from Bern to Lausanne the unnamed driver was nabbed for being rich, as fines are issued, taking into account the combination of speed and wealth.

The Swede notched up the highest possible penalty of 300 days, at £2,166 a day, which works out at, hmmm, ok £649,800, so who pocketed the extra 200 quid?

The man (disguised as a vegetable) later revealed that his 6 Litre Mercedes SLS was too quick for most of the cameras which could not capture his image beyond 125mph. And although US boffs are close to developing invisible cloth, he wasn’t wearing it and neither were the police. The Miserable East on the other hand can also sigh a collective relief as only parts of the A12 in the Large Hadron Collinder country have gone missing. But of course relieving him over there is a stoning offence!

Missing, he may not be, yet the Swedes’ name still eludes us, not unlike the world’s second highest fined man, which goes to Finn, Ansa Vanjoki, who sadly was not in one. Instead he was caught on a Harley Davidson motorbike doing 47mph in a 30mph zone. He was fined £95,400 for that, which judging by Swiss bank accounting ads up to £95,200.

Perhaps Dave MaCallam is the 200 quid-man, and Clint Eastwood drives Mercs…but then there’s always another possibility – a Roman soldier!

There’s no headline here, it just continues…

Think spectres, spirits, phantoms and wraiths, as 12 year-old Jake Bestwick will tell you, do exist, because he saw one whilst taking his Nan to the hospital in Derby.

“It came through the floor about 20cmm from my face. It stood in front of me for a few seconds then it vanished.” He said through intakes of his Nan’s confabulator, which emitted archaic spirals of cherry blossom scented pipe tobacco to the far corners of the NHS.

Sightings of the dark cloaked figure have been rife at the Derby Hospital, where an exorcist once took place which resurrected only a poor Betamax conversation between The Evil Dead and the Emperor Caligula, pre 3D. Yet Jake wasn’t floundered, “I know what I saw was a ghost.” He said, twitching to Exorcist III the trance tracks on his iPod.

Picking up on the deathly airwaves (Still no headline, as such, move along) from of beyond the grave was Vyacheslav Zhuavlev who bit to death a man in a park in south central Russia then proceeded to eat him.

The vampire attacked his victim by knocking him unconscious before he set down to dine. When two female witnesses noticed him crouched over the body, growling, he gave chase and caught one girl and beat her until her screams were heard by an on duty policeman who came to the rescue and arrested the fiend.

A police spokesman said, “The victim’s head was just about severed from its body.” - When asked for his motives ‘man next door’ said, “I just decided to check what it was like to kill someone.”

I hope this hasn’t alarmed you and you sleep well tonight. Remember not everyone is a murderer…just some

If you liked that story try this in the break:

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Lard is pig fat in both its rendered and unrendered forms’

Take it away: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

From Sir Les: Gil Scott Heron, great choice boss. Watched this about 50 times. (see volume 390)

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: SWAMP DONKEY– A deeply unattractive woman.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift,

Famous Brummies – it’s Jasper Carrott.

Others are: Julie Walters (actually Smethwick); Bill Oddie; J R Tolkein; Edward Burne-Jones; Simon Le Bon (and the rest of Duran Duran); Tony Iommi (and the rest of Sabbath); Justin Hayward (and the rest of the Moody Blues); Roy Wood (and the rest of The Move, ELO, etc.); Steve Gibbons; UB40, Toyah Wilcox.

Check out www.birminghamitsnotshit.co.uk

Obscure

Animal news

*The world’s biggest BBQ can cook seven whole lambs and three pigs or two cows at a time. Dubbed the ‘God-rilla’ it cost £10k to make and heats up at 600ºC (1,112ºF). The beast was commissioned by a wedding venue in Gloucestershire UK and took three months for Jack Henriques to build. He said, “It does get extremely hot.” – Which is handy for that cow on a stick.

*Albert de Vries is the world bee-beard wearing champ with 5lb of the bastards hooked on his chin at a contest in Ontario Canada. Bee-bearding is an English invention dating back to the 1700’s, and I’ve got a lot on this, but not enough time, I’ll tell you on another show.

*Now, I hope this is an animal story; because, in Ozrem, North Serbia, the Testicle Cooking World Championships will take place soon for the 7^th time. But unsurprisingly not all the world takes part - like baseball. Organiser Ivo Mokovich said, “That is not such a surprise, after all it shows we are the best because nobody else is prepared to take up the challenge and try to take the title of Top Testicle Chef away from us.” – Was he talking God-rillas

*I’ve got an astrix but don’t want to say anything.

Number crunching

*In the world’s first 3D porn film; Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy, Japanese star Soari Hari 22 said fitting in the camera angles was particularly difficult – ahem – she said, “I have to work harder not to let the audience down. I hope people all around the world will see this movie.’

Meanwhile the hero of the flick – ahem – Hiro (told you) Hayamana 35 said of his debut shoot – ahem - ok, that’s enough – “I felt like the King of the world.” – In one scene he had to satisfy 100 women….ker, he didn’t have a problem getting up in the morning, even if he did have a sticky mattress…enough of the Swwwwiiing jokes I said.

*In a beach poll 56% of men said they didn’t want their women to go topless, but 89% said it was fine for others to do it. Of the 2,932 women polled, 68% said they would. Phew.

*Wu Lee, from Xingjian China, couldn’t afford swords so swallowed 30+ nail clippers, razor blades and countless nails; “I didn’t have any swords, so I started small and used what I could get from the local shop.” He said. – It took surgeons 5hours to remove them. He’s now going to be a stuntman.

*Meanwhile Chang Mai from Shansi Province in China saved huge amounts of face by not paying his £18k food bill at a restaurant, because he only had £10k in cash on him, and it’s the done thing to pay in cash to prove your worth something in the land of odd. To draw further attention to himself he emptied a truck load, literally, 200,000 to be precise, of 1 Yuan notes on the table and left a £5 tip. – Chang is also an arse. And what did he eat – gold!

Don’t Dick us about

Dickie Panda is the Inspector general of the police in Lucknow the northern capital city of Utter Pradesh in northern India. Renowned for his zero tolerance attitude he turned up at work as a lady this month saying, “My wife Veena, should not suffer now – and obviously we can’t remain married as we are both women, so I am officially declaring her as my daughter.” – You gotta admire her values.

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz