I saw a funeral go by the other day; I asked the old boy next to me who was dead, he said, ‘It's the fella in the box.'

explain this

Can't explain - won't explain. Some bloke was on the telly the other day telling me how a steam engine worked, I understood what he was saying, you know, the theory of how it's supposed to work, but for the life of me couldn't get my head around it, couldn't really fathom it. I mean, I ask you, steam creates motion, why doesn't my kettle take off? It's the same with cars and TV's, and by a gob-stopping stopper for ya there's one, TV's- Actors and sets must be really small! It's just too much man, all too much. Thankfully here's something that required no explanation, the fact of a great and wasteful effort that was made to cure the working class their addiction to gin. The British government passed a law in 1832 officially favouring beer over gin. Workingmen throughout Britain responded to the legislation by drinking beer as a chaser to their gin.

Say no more. Have a quiz...

1. What is numismatics?

2. In knitting what does psso mean?

3. Which Japanese word means "divine wind"?

4. What sort of animal is a papillon?

5. What does the ply of a yarn refer to?

6. What is the nationality of Sir Anthony Hopkins?

7. Hot Chocolate's You Sexy Thing was the theme for which 1997 film?

8. What name is given to the male, female and young of a rabbit?

They were there weren't they, last week's answers on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ along with Tommy ‘The Thought' and his enlightening delights. See if you can decipher his school of enigmatic grammatical tones this week.

In the WHO AM I? We roll onto week 2 and here it is, ‘I brave the Cape Cod to deliver to you me hearty's.'

is it me?

Ok folks just to make sure you know who our main and co sponsors are this week... JUICE followed close on the hoof by GTM, VASCO'S, FOSTERS, BLUE GECKO and BOOTLACE HOLIDAYS. A rip and a curl and a tide of joy to you all folks.

Hanging out the wet print on the essential guide to nonsense this week is as always *Digger, and he's got a team or two to review *Trigger's got all this week's vitals for a cash surplus in the Aussie's gee gee's spring carnival. There's Tit-bits, archives, Gestapo...doh...gazpacho soup, poetry, Tommy's tinkers and more...much, much...well a little bit more... all in your http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ read it now, while it's hot, if you're lucky you might just catch dem dere Bongo Massif Bro's!

Right, rugby: On the domestic front Bristol are still the chart toppers in the English Guinness premiership, but the ‘too much' rugby row continues to...continue. Both the London Irish and Sale's bosses this week labelled the notion of playing two huge games in 5 days as ‘crazy'. Sale chief, Phillipe Saint-Andre commenting on their Osprey's clash this Friday, which comes 5 days after Sunday's game at the ‘Irish said, "We have two days to train. We'll be lucky to get in two 45-minute run-outs. An English club will need a lot of luck to bring this trophy home this season". - Cor, don't he go on eh!

But the best quote came from the Irish boss Brian Smith on Sale's 31-14 rout of themselves, "Sale put us under enormous physical pressure. They were like behemoths and when Sebastien Chabal came on a shadow fell over half the pitch." - Seb - the horse.

Munster's Ronan O'Gara has been egging on England's Pat Sanderson, saying the Guinness premiership is over hyped and that the Irish players are better, reminding Pat that in their last three matches the Irish have won. Pat bitterly responded, "I don't see the point in making big statements in public." - Don't you?

cf's told you a million times...England will retain the World Cup...there's a reason he's called cf... Jason Leonard's got a bit of the cf's about him too, he said, "People can go in and out of form, so I would never write England off. But first things first, let's see how the autumn Tests go." - Wise words, and not so foolish as the fool's eh, but bollocks, I'm sticking by my guns.

Not taking part in the autumn Tests is Aussie's most capped hooker Jeremy Paul (72caps). He's only 29 but there's a real threat he's about to retire from International rugby. He's looking to play his 100^th game for the Brumbies next season, he's on 99 now, and then he'll probably fuck off. He puts rather more subtly than cf by saying, "I am definitely looking at going overseas, simply for the fact that I've got a young family now." - It's the lure of the wedge you know.

Taking part in the autumn Tests is Steve Larkham, and by all accounts he may appear in the No.12 jersey! Such is their injury list that Matt Giteau is a likely half back choice and Mark Gerrard in at fly. As Steve says, "It won't be that much of a change. We are trying to be interchangeable." Don't be surprised if you see a bloke by the name of Ben Johnston in England's No.12 jersey. Not that that bothers the Aussies none, they feel their hardest opponents will be Wales. Larkham has considered the time the Welsh have been together and says of them, "Wales are extremely tough." - And Welsh.

and now this

Onto cricket, and quite frankly it's in a shambles...isn't it? Hairgate but only over by a snip and the CEO of the PCB resigned because the YK won't captain and now SA and MA ousted as druggies addicted on nandrolone. Just what is happening to this quintessential gentleman's Game?

The Rawalpirindi Express' Doc, Touseef ‘roll-up' Razzaq said, "It is possible that nandrolone was mixed in herbal medicine he has been taking." - What? He's on the reefer too?

ICC chief exec Malcolm Speed (probably on that too is the Shoaib) lent a touch of eloquence to the whole deal by saying, "Shoaib Akhtar is a very entertaining and colourful character. It is up to history to determine how he is remembered." - Well said M.

England kept to their true ODI form by getting thumped - all out 125 in 37 overs - their best yet against India. Fred was still at sea in at No.3 and plucked a duck out of nothing. He said. "We started badly with the bat and ball but this is the first game of the tournament." - As long as it was just the bat and ball, anything else could've been disastrous!

Honestly who really is going to rattle him down under next month - too much a workload...give him more to do cf says.

And Vaughany's not rushing back either. Well, he's trying to, but in all his dreams and good fortune he'll only be around a Test paddock on about Test No.4-ish. And he's not fooling himself either, as he said, "I don't have any right to stroll back into the team or to take the captaincy."

It would be good to see him there - from both sides but a man out of sink is a man out of...sink.

The Aussies fared no better in their first ICC Trophy game and stumped to a 10 run loss to the Windies. There was a bit of banter too. Chris Gayle wasn't happy. Punter explains, "There was some strong and animated body language with some brushes of the shoulders of players walking down the wicket." - Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Anyway, they lost and Punter is not too worried come Saturday's clash with England, he said, "I don't think it'll be too difficult to turn it around for Saturday." - The loser of that game will most definitely be going home.

By the way, was that confidence of arrogance what punter said? McGrath earlier this week spoke of how the Aussies were going to win back the Ashes because of ‘England's lack of confidence, huge injury list and the fact they don't boast the Aussie form." - The war of words is a harmless jibe.

in for some shit

Or is it? Monty's geared himself up for a barrage of abuse, be it harmless sledging or racial taunts. But cf reckons he's pretty thick skinned. He already gets a torrent of abuse for his often comical fielding and I dare say he's grown up with his fare share of racial slants. But the Aussie crowd, and there'll be 80,000 of ‘em remember, some of the Aussie crowd can be hostile. cf remembers walking out of the then Sydney Olympic Stadium after the Lions lost a nail biter of a game and essentially the series 2-1. And in amongst a jovial crowd an idiot springs up close shouting, ‘your shit, you're a fucking loser.' But then you get idiots everywhere, and given the choice cf'd love to be amongst all the ranges of idiots in that first test in Brisbane on 23^rd Nov. cf would then be a cif!

Ok, in other stuff Mike madman Tyson wants to fight women in his comeback tour, he's actually got Texan Ann Wolfe 35 in his sights. Couldn't possibly happen - could it? In the meantime he has to settle with no hoper Corey ‘T-Rex' Sanders in Youngstown, Ohio. - Jeez, they still have freak shows in Yankland eh!

she's all yours mike

Last summer was the hottest in Britain since 1659 and by Jimminy it was hot, cf was there. From May to Sept the average temperature was 16.2C, that was hotter than in 1947 when averages only topped 15.9!!! Where's he going with this, quick, get the net. July was the sunniest and the hottest, 263 hrs of the sun stuff and temps up to 36.5. September averaged 15.4, that's nuts. Last Sunday was 20 bloody degrees- we're all going to melt, can't you see, we're all going to ,melt. All this global warming jive has given the seasons an identity crisis; this time of year is now being called summertumn.

Ok, people who turn to the right, exposing the left cheek when being kissed are more passionate. That's 80% of us, the rest are miserable bastards. Doc Julian Greenwood said, "The left cheek is controlled by the emotive right brain." - I wonder if Roman Abromovich will turn the other cheek as his wife looks at half his ₤11b fortune in their upcoming divorce?

just leave me the yacht please

Jennifer Aniston hasn't had a tit job and just says she's put on 10lb to make her look curvier - so there.

a little curvier?

Bono and his ex stylist Lola Cashman are back in the high court this week haggling over items said to have been given to her from U2 from their ‘Joshua Tree' tour back in ‘87'. U2 successfully sued Lola in 2002 after she put up some of their items in Christies, most notably a Stetson hat, metal hooped earrings, a green sweatshirt and some black trousers. Yeah, the boys won that one, now they're going back for round 2, which is a video tape, a video monitor, rosary beads, photo's, a Christmas decorative bell and a mug - chipped. It's all crrrazy in the pop world.

for the mug i'll get...

Meanwhile billionaire Steve Wynn sold painting La Reve for a record $74.3m then stuck his elbow through it by accident. "Oh shit" He was heard to say, "Look what I've done. Thank goodness it was me." - Yeah, it's only money.

In the suburbs of Sydney just over Five Dock a bolt fell off a plane flying and landed on a Mr Angelo Margiotta's roof, crashing through two tiles and lodged in his ceiling. "It was very, very loud." He said. The Civil Aviation Safety Authority said, "Anything that comes off an aeroplane has to be explained." - Damned right.

this has to be explained

Right, in the year 3000 we will be on average 6 1/2 feet tall, mostly coffee coloured (Is that with milk or cream I wonder), will live to 120 years and the men will have bigger knobs and the women's tit's will be more pert - yahoo. On the down side we'll be more prone to disease and physically weaker as we'll be relying on technology more and more.

Doc Curry (Mmmm) of the Darwin@LSE Research Centre in the London School of Economics said, "Through turbo charged cosmetic surgery techniques and genetic engineering, we will try to fit in with what the opposite sex finds attractive." - Big knobs and pert tits, obviously.

pert

There are downsides of course; we'll become less communicative and interactive. With those kind of knobs and tits surely we'd become more interactive?

pertier

Anyway, we'll be listed into genetic ‘haves' and ‘have nots' The ‘haves' will be tall, symmetrical, clean, healthy, intelligent and creative. The ‘have nots' will be short, fat and hairy, asymmetrical, grubby, unhealthy and not as bright. What are you?

Explain yourselves do you have to?

cf