Crazy Fool's Newsround - 12th - 18th September '08 volume 298

12th - 18th September '08 volume 298
September, 18th 2008 05:28 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

‘The Credit Crunch’

The scene: fool is in the boardroom of the world’s most un-renowned PR firm: fool Foxit &Frolic. They’re desperately trying to re-generate the old days when the company would come up with such catchy slogans, as the ’89 campaign; ‘MILK; only 29p’ and for the cartographers society of Pratts Bottom; “MAPS to contour the WORLD.”

fool: Where’s it gone eh chaps, we had it all, we put the world in people’s mouths, but how did we miss this one? Black Thursday was ours back in the 30’s depression and even the dawn of time’s Big Bang we stole from Sushi and Sushi, but where were we on this one; the ‘Credit Crunch’. What did we come up with Foxit?

Foxit: Err… ‘Credit; you can’t get no Credit’

fool: Exactly, where’s the panache, the zing, the rolly off the tonguey in that?

&Frolic: Um, we do have the usurped version sir, as an inevitable East European crime wave will cause a widespread credit fraud…

fool: Go on…what is it then?

&Frolic: ‘Credit Cunts’ …

Narrator: Err…errr…err…quiz, quickly, quickly:

hard times

1. In which political party does Midnight Oil’s lead singer serve?

2. Variola is the proper name for which killer disease?

3. Who competed against Messala in a literary chariot race?

4. Which sheriff killed Billy the Kid?

5. Is a piri-piri sauce sweet or hot and spicy?

6. Which Swiss resident won a Grammy for singing Downtown?

7. What is controlled by an Emir?

8. What is an alligator pear better known as? A) Avocado B) Mango C) Papaya

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (just hit the contacts button)

WHO AM I? I don’t know, and neither did the Dracule, so let’s refer to clues one and two again and have a stab at three for the craic; Clue No.1: “When Gustav cries I’ll send a note to Mary.” Clue No.2; “I felt the wind a few times, especially when jumping out of planes.” And thus numerically onto Clue No.3 “I recently sold my first guitar that I set the world alight with; literally.”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 34 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those about to let yourself loose on some contemporary 1958 jazz funk – meow daddy-o…

Dracule: 16 (1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown

Quote for the week:

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends

Rodney Dangerfield

*Non-descript trivia moment*

MARTINI

⅓ Vermouth ⅔ Dry Gin . Shake, garnish, and serve on or off the rocks

fool’s Gold

A cactus in Phoenix, Arizona, killed a man. David Grundman fired two shotgun blasts at a giant saguaro cactus that ended up falling on top of him

In Chins, September 20^th is ‘Love Your Teeth Day’.

The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…

The hairy eyeball

This is a US phrase from the 1960s and is largely restricted to US use. The earliest known printed record of it is from The Galveston Daily News, November 1961, in a piece that reports on an interview with Carol Burnett:

'With her (Burnett's sister) everything is boys-boys-boys. She's really educated me. She was telling me about a boy looking at her and she said, "He gave me the hairy eyeball." That meant he liked her.'

That appears to contradict the usual suspicious and hostile meaning which is evident in this slightly later piece from The New York Times, November 1963:

"He gave me the hairy eyeball" - means that someone is disapproving

fool: I’d just call them a ‘credit…’

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Folk who talk at you with their cutlery; waving it about all willy-nilly, pointing, asserting dabbing, tapping and emphasising a complete lack of table manners – get it in your gob, and put your knife and fork or choppy-de-stick down once you’ve scoffed – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; the minced lamb – love it.

Butchery & Delicatess

41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street, District 1, Ho Chi Minh City.

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St)

Tel: +848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; Now then, now then, how’s about that then, what about those Saints eh! Digger can’t make this week. Sorry.

*Trigger: You betyer – sorry, not this week.

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play! – Next one out in Oct.

*Tit-bits – .../...some very old scouser jokes…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – World tour; next stop Loreto

Mr. Meaner... I’m gonna say this only forthce…

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

fool brings you an array of news this week; International news, domestic news (where to get the best washing up liquid that’s kind on your hands) and local news. But first here’s the news:

In a perspirationally soaked Suncorp Stadium in Brisbane supporters were treated to a sweat filled 80 minutes of some of the world’s best rugby this year, if not in recent times.

The Tri Nations decider, between Australia and New Zealand was fought both tooth and nail by both sides, with justice deciding the better side on the night clinched it 28-24.

It had it all; the ferociousness of the tackle, the slight of hand, the deft of feet, nay let alone the guts, determination and relentless pounding pride for the ultimate prize, but lo ye lovers of union, where was the rugby?

Don’t get pissed off just yet, it was a cracking game, but only between the third and fourth All Blacks try did we get to see some forward play, some off loads, some competition at the breakdowns and some phase play, and maybe a couple of scrums and lineouts thrown in for good measure. Argh, those were the days eh!

But back to the rugby and The Git was a marvel to behold, again, bar a few sloppy passes induced from slow forward ball, however, his magic kept the Aussies alive. His counter-part Dan Carter was equally audacious with his hat of rabbits and probably pipped the battle of the ten’s due to his speedy forwards delivery.

Against the run of play New Zealand used their quick ball to spin it wide for the first try of the game. And as Australia retaliated with all the possession but no imagination an equaliser was on the cards till Wycliff Palu decided not to pass and subsequently walked off the field in shame with a feigned injury.

The Aussies kept their composure though and plodded on their battering ram up the middle till the Git thought better of thump and go nowhere and put a beauty cross kick for Hynes to gather on the right touch line and fed Ashley-cooper who’s deft feet took him over for a score just before half time.

Just after half time a further slice of the Git magic saw him give Brown a perfect ball on the right of play, who in turn slipped it to Horwill who took a well taken 2^nd row’s bumbling, trundling bouldering try.

However, a rugby league style approach continued with short arm after short arm offence, forcing every Tom Deans and Henry to run the ball every which way but loose. Without the set pieces and the forwards special grunt the shape took on a very flat unimaginative form, but then Conrad Smith found a gap somewhere left of field and gave it to a proper fat-lad-prop, (Woodcock), hanging out on the wing to score.

Moments later Sivivatu found a sleeping Ryan Cross behind a ruck and scarpered off towards the try line with Weepu in support that touched down.

Not long after Cross missed another tackle as Carter ran around Mortlock for a try that looked to seal the game. But don’t think for a minute I’m bagging Cross, cos he’s a fine player who runs straight and hard and tackles well. He proved to himself and the Suncorp Stadium what a crowd teaser he can be with a huge, hard, direct running try in the dying minutes, which left the Wallaby’s only four points adrift. And that’s the way it stayed in those tense dark final minutes

The DC said the importance of the win was, “right up there for the team and me as an individual.” – He then shouted to the camera ‘Show me the money’ aimed at what ever European club will give him a million squid a game.

McCaw, in his own very special way thanked the coaches; “The coaches gave us a bit of a rev at half time, which we deserved because we hadn’t got into the game.” – Are you thinking buses too!

Deans took his hat off to Henry; “It was there to be done, but we didn’t do it and we lack that sort of consistency that the All Blacks have.” – ‘So, I’ll be off. Probably kill myself…no, it’s ok, I’ll be alright…’

The Aussies have hugely improved, but ultimately all accolades go to Henry’s All Blacks; “This is the fourth Tri Nations the guys have won in a row…it’s probably the sweetest victory that we’ve had because there’s quite a large number of new guys who hadn’t played in this group before.” – Don’t care!

On the domestic front in the Guinness Premiership; Gloucester beat Bath at the Rec for their first time ever; 21-17. Butch James was shit with the boot and missed five, but Coach Steve Meehan wasn’t worried, “I’ve never blamed a kicker for a defeat, and I won’t start today.” ‘C**t’ he holler’s down the corridor.

Leicester handed London Irish a beating at home 24-22 with a three try to two tally, but did that please the Tigers coach! Heyneke Meyer; “I am not happy with the performance.” – ‘No pleasing some people’ – ‘just what Jesus said sir.’

Harlequins stayed on song with a 31-13 win over Bristol, where Danny Care prompted watching England backs coach Brian Smith to comment, “It certainly was the Danny Care show.” Whereas Bristol’s boss Richard Hill called his side ‘dismal’ and it was an insult for fans to have to pay to watch it.

Saracens were pipped at the post by a last minute drop goal from Hodgson and some notable Sale tackling. 11-10 I think

And Wasps lost again, 11-10 to Worcester, again, off a last minute kick. Wasps coach McGeechan said the performance was, “not acceptable.”

Newcastle stumped Northampton 33-22, with Sgt Wilko bagging 22 points. The rock star commented on his new look, “Yeah, I’ve spent the summer growing my hair a bit.” – Gee, he’s so cool!

Over in Froggy-land the super stars Toulon, albeit missing a number of players through injury, went down to leaders Stade Francais 13-19, which was a thug fest rather than rugby, as a mass brawl resulted in two red cards.

Dax got their first win of the season 19-11 over Castres. And Perpignan helped themselves to 2^nd on the ladder with bonus points at Bayonne 38-10. Whilst Montpellier firmly rooted themselves at 3^rd with a 32-10 haul over Montaban. Trinh Duc was involved in all four of the Mont’s tries where England capped Ollie Smith got the fourth.

Clermont held the holders Toulouse 16-6 in a more likely performance, although they still languish around the bottom half. And Biarritz beat Brive 24-5, where one team surfs and the other eats cheese.

The Air New Zealand Cup saw Wellington beat Waikato 45-33 in a 12 try fest – 7’s in 15’s – is there room for it?

Some shorts

Eddie Jones is still banging on about the ELV’s stating that set pieces have dropped dramatically and kicking increased; “Under these laws teams are kicking more. We all thought it would happen and so it has transpired. If the ball spends longer in the air it spends less time in the hands.”

Cobus Visagie, considered one of the best tight-head coaches in the world is worried about his future at Saracens, as Jones quipped, “The favourite one-liner (at Saracens) at the moment is, ‘Hey Cobus, what do you do for a living these days?’”

Dougie Howlett’s in his 2^nd year of three at Munster but hasn’t ruled out returning for the AB’s come 2011. Jono Gibbes has landed a forwards coaching role at Leinster – what is it with the AB’s and Paddy-land?

Rocky Elsom is also at Leinster, but is keen to get back in a Wallaby jersey. He also praised the Deans fella, “I think we all felt more confident this year than we ever have.”

The MB’s may now play a one off Test against Ireland in Spain! And The Specific Islanders have named their 28-man squad for their European tour. Coach Illie Tabau said, “The combined Pacific Island side is a fantastic concept that provides us with a great opportunity to promote out particular brand of entertaining rugby in Europe.” – Yep

This weekend sees an International XV v Dally’s XV at Twickenhan as a fund raiser for servicemen and women; it’s called Help For Heroes – will be fun rugby.

And lastly McCaw will play in the Baa Baa’s game v Australia at the new Wembley Stadium on 3^rd December. The Baa Baa’s are coached by Jake White and have a number of top flight international stars as well as English players who have been released from their clubs. – Barbarians – train – what’s the world coming to?

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had no takers!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit – : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises!

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

How do you know if spring has sprung?

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Only one piece of news this week; that being the Aussies picking new lad Bryce McGain, as a spinner for their India tour. The 36 year-old IT technician has only 19 first class games under his belt and he’ll be competing with the uncapped Jason Krejza!

Smell of Darren Pattison the 29 year old roofer for England who only played 11 first class games?

Till next week…

Other sports:

Apart from a superb Vettel win at Monza last weekend, it was Max Mosely who stole the show for the fool as he rebuked the ex Archbishop of Canterbury’s finger wagging; “That silly old retired Archbishop Carey. He somehow thinks he has the right to tell society how it should behave. In my opinion he hasn’t. He has the right to tell the tiny number that go to his church. But don’t tell me. I don’t go to his church.” – Nothing like the pompous upper class eh – Nazi sex – sure, why not!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

The world’s smallest man met the women with the longest legs this week. It wasn’t coincidence they were brought together to launch the Guinness Book of Records 2009 edition. He Pingping from Inner Mongolia is 74.61 cm (2ft 5.37in) and Russian Svetlana Pankratova’s legs are an astonishing 132 cm (4ft 3.9in). She said, “He seems very happy, he smiles and laughs a lot.” – So would you if you could see what he does from where he’s standing!

Blokes who drink instant coffee or eat nuts are more prone to man boobs than those who don’t – fact! Dr. Gunter Kuhnle of MRC Dunn Human Nutrition University in Cambridge says these products contain the gender-bender chemical phytoestrogens. He should know, he tested 500 different food and drinks, and found coffee to contain 1,833 micrograms of oestrogen per 100g and Brazil nuts 867, which apparently is a lot, enough to give yourself a tweak at least.

Drunk Kai Schneider 39 was jailed for making his lover a sex slave to his neighbour in exchange for beer, it was reported in Kronberg Germany. - A bit difficult to believe that one. Here’s better one; In a top tasting session at Harrods Yorkshire pudding ice-cream got the nod over Cornish pasty, haggis and kipper! – Mmm kippers.

Pigs ruled the world for a million years in what is known as ‘The Age of Porcine’ that was 260m years ago and they were called Iystrosaurus and they were able to survive the volcano eruptions by burrowing underground. Boff Paul Wiggard from Leeds University said, “We think there were billions of them. Their fossils are everywhere.” – ‘Zulus sir…’

Boffs have also found what they believe to be another sun with an orbiting planet. A photo captured the ball of fire 500 light years away with an orange speck close by thought to be its “companion” The speck is eight times bigger than Jupiter and 330 times farther from its sun than earth is from ours. Canadian boff Dr. David Lefrievere from University of Toronto said, “if we confirm that this object is indeed gravitationally tied to the star, it will be a major step forward.’ – Watching you, watching me. Can’t wait to have sex with an alien eh!

Meanwhile entrepreneur Ben Wray predicts robots will soon be superior to humans, as soon as 40 years away! He’s sure that robot soldiers will form the core of all armies in 15 years and as soon as 25 years will outwit us in intelligence and ability. Defence chiefs are already researching ways to deal with robots ‘gone bad’. – Fuck the flying tanks!

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIV! “His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a field with weights tied to his scrotum.” – Spike Milligan

Dear old Rick Wright from Floyd died this week aged 65. That particular pipe is at his gate of dawn now – R.I.P. Dave Gilmour said this of him, “Rick was such a lovely, gentle, genuine man and will be missed terribly by so many who loved him. And that’s a lot.” – ‘Yeah, make sure you put that in – makes me look good.’

Meanwhile on the other rocking scale Iron Maiden’s front gunner Bruce Dickinson has just flown home hundreds of stranded British holiday makers from Greece and Egypt. He’s a part time Boeing 757 pilot and has been for seven years. That’d be spooky.

If you’re not keen to fly with Bruce why not follow Steve Colligan 47 from Manchester who’s about to travel 620 miles by unicycle through the Himalayas, from Lahasa Tibet to Kathmandu Nepal. He said, “It’s my biggest challenge yet.” And I quote, “Where there’s a wheel there’s a way!”

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “Why is there a light on in the fridge and not the freezer?”

Oprah Winfry 54 is America’s biggest charity donator on ₤28.6m, last year alone. Three times more than cheap skate Tijuana Brass band leader Herb Albert 71, (who?). Babs Streisand was 3^rd on ₤6.3 then Paul Newman on ₤5.7 and Mel Gibson ₤5.6 (bet none went to the Jews!). Brad Pitt and Angeloniebonie did ₤4.8m then Lance Armstrong, Michael Jordan and Eric Landrus gave ₤2.8. Cheap skint radio jock Rush Limbaugh only gave ₤2.4m – How much we giving this year Digger?

If you’re looking for class, look no farther than the world’s most expensive bike; in at ₤55k. It’s covered in 24 carat gold and has 600 diamonds. A London buyer is going to stick it on his wall – tit!

Artist David Hirst 43 made ₤111m the other day when he auctioned off his art – that’s a record folks. It beat Picasso’s lot by around ₤90m back in ’93. His art includes a pickled bull coated in 18 carat gold and a tiger shark preserved in formaldehyde. He said, “I think the market is bigger than anyone knows.” – Now everyone’s stuffing their pet cat and sprinkling it with glitter…

I’m not sure if this is a pun but cops are cracking down on nude hikers in the Swiss Alps. They’re getting up to ten reports a day!

Ok, Matt Brown, the Australian Minister for Police in NSW has ‘had to go’ for dancing in ‘very brief’ pants on a leather couch at a staff do. The former housing minister’s dismissal was described by his boss Mr. Rees as, “I subsequently put it to former minister Brown late last night that there were too many reports of you in your underwear for me to ignore.” – You’re fired.

And lastly hotel guest Anthony M 22 racked up a 27 hour phone bill to a peak time sex hot line at a cost of ₤5,700. The German from Levershausan also did the same last February and didn’t pay his bill. He said, “I was sitting in my hotel at night and suddenly became horny and so called a sex hot line. I did not keep track of time, it was like a movie. I just kept going.” When hotel staff collared him he said, “They said I had good stamina.” His lawyer said, “The hotel exhibited substantial negligence. If you do not limit guests from accessing high-cost sex lines then you are being careless and should be responsible for any claims.” – Good luck!