12th - 18th November 2010 volume 406
November, 17th 2010 21:28 PM

“Down, down, down. The star is screamin.

Beneath the lies. Lie, lie. Tschay, tschay, tschay”

(Pink Floyd)

 

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

 

 

Click on this logo in home page

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 18.11.10                                           

For 21st Signal Regiment (Air Support)

 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

 

 

Feeling a little frazzled?

A drug crazed man ran amok in a small Bulgarian town leaving behind a slaughtered lamb, one ear, a burning farm and part of his todger.

 

Angel Atanasov had nothing pressing in the sleepy town of Pazardajhik, south of Sofia so opted for some recreational medication with his pal.

 

Police said, “First he cut off part of his penis and when his father came to help him he sliced off his father’s ear. He then ran into the road partially naked and bleeding where he jumped into a car owned by a young woman who was unloading the trunk and drove off.”

 

 He then skipped a red light, crashed into a motorcycle, battered down a door of a nearby farm house, set fire to their haystack, stabbed a lamb and ran off naked wielding an axe.

 

Police caught up with him as climbed an electric fence whereupon he received several thousand volts.

 

It is not sure if the fence was switched on at the time. He is recovering in hospital.

 

 

Can’t see the wood for the trees!

Forget global warming; global dimming is the new wave threatening our planet’s demise.

 

Achim Steiner from the UN’s Environment Programme says wood burning stoves are to blame, as they are affecting the ability to grow crops.

 

“Inefficient cooking stoves are estimated to be responsible for 25% of emission of black carbon.”

 

Fewer axe wielding Angel’s sitting on the fence may also shed light on the situation. Or as David St Hubbins from Spinal Tap once said, “We’re not sitting on the fence; we just want to burn it down.”

 

 

Knock yourself out

If you want to kill yourself, try Arizona’s, Heart Attack Grill’s new deal of free food for folk over 25st. (lot of f’s)

 

Famous for its Quadruple Bypass Burger and Flatline Fries, customers over 25st (350lb’s or 159kg) can eat for free.

 

Treehuggers are outraged at their advertising campaign, which promotes;

 

 “Repeated increase of wardrobe size, back pain, male breast growth, loss of sexual partners, lung cancer, tooth decay and liver sclerosis, stroke. In some cases mild death may occur.”

 

Found this pic too late – but at least it’s instant and none of that namby pamby ‘mild’ stuff!

 

Say it the way it is

Lloydspharmacy online are perturbed at the low percentage of men who visit the doctor with ‘man problems’.

 

Results from a survey calculate there seem to be in excess of 60 different names for ‘the old man’. Todger is synonymous with London, whilst the Welsh opt for John Thomas.

 

Linguistic professor Tony McEnery noted there to be three basic strategies when a fella goes to the docs with a banjo problem; a) they use words from a biological text book (e.g. penis, anus) b) they return to baby language (e.g. willy, bum) c) they refer very generally to ‘down below’

 

Just say it the way it is

 

Meanwhile it has been noted that 6 out of 10 women will eye a man’s bum first. Next, at 56% from a survey of 2000 women, she will check the eyes. 22% opt for the mouth, 20% chest and legs and 15% hair.

 

Shouldn’t that be in the number crunching section – and where’s the pic?

 

2010’s top ten words, as monitored by the annual Global Language Monitor, yes, there is one, are Spillcam – live footage of Shell’s oil leak, Vuvuzela – an annoyingly loud piece of plastic, ‘refudiate’ – a mix of refute and repudiate coined by Sarah Palin, iPod – not sure what that is, Hu, as in China’s Juntao Hu – who? And the Chilean Coal Minors – so would you be.

 

PJJ Payack the president of the GLM said, “Our top words this year come from an environmental disaster, the world cup, a political malapropism, cbfa – acronym for can’t be f**ked anymore.”

 

I was going to talk about a Kentuckian man who was forced to eat his own beard or how you a free AK-47 if you buy from a Florida car dealer but I won’t, because I hate all that buy one get one free crap – just give me what I want without all the super-sized shit…

(Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Spinal tap were originally called The Originals, then to differentiate themselves became the New originals before settling on The Thamesmen and finally Spinal Tap’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said:

‘Loving the radio shows. Got any Quo?’ – Heath Lodger from Down Under (probably one of my funniest jokes yet!)

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke on the phone just went on and on…’

 

The Boat Lagoon Marina, Phuket – Presents live music from; Indian Groove this Friday 19th November – 7-9p.m.  Hysterical Hour – 2-10p.m. Indian and Western food. Don’t go anywhere apart from here – look, I’ve got all this space to write stuff, but only if I could find the ….

 

 

 

 

…no hang, bear with me… I had it here yesterday…

 

 

…kids eh…

 

…ooh, was that it…

 

…ssshh…

 

www.cfnr.co.uk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

www.highstylecondominium.com

 

 

 

nothing to see here…move along the bus plea

Animal news

 

*Dick Van Dyke was saved by porpoises this week, as he drifted out to sea asleep on his surfboard. He woke up to be surrounded by fins, “They turned out to be porpoises and they pushed me all the way back to shore. I’m not kidding.” – he sang in true Mockney.

 

*Aussie Nick Le Souef 67 from Melbourne is to spend 22 days in a room with 300 deadly spiders for charity – mate. Can you eat red backs?

 

*Two German gay vultures are to be separated so they can mate. The pair have been together for 14 years and have started to make their own nest but the other birds in Allvetter zoo keep taking the piss and nicking their materials. Treehuggers are protesting their separation.

 

Number crunching

 

*An antique vase used as a book end fetched a record breaking £51.6 million at auction this week. The auctioneer got so excited he broke his gavel. He then escorted the elderly lady owner outside to get some air, as she was on the verge of collapse. “I can’t breathe.” She said… repeatedly as he fumbled for her green shield stamps book. Police arrived just in time.

 

*The world’s smallest Rubik cube is 1cm, made by Russian computer programmer Evgney Griorev. And you thought that bastard couldn’t get any bigger. Mr Rubik, you’ve started something hateful.

 

I’m off – come on Pig

 

Keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – this week for sure!

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 
 
 

 

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