Crazy Fool's Newsround - 12th - 18th March 10 volume 371

12th - 18th March 10 volume 371
March, 17th 2010 20:59 PM

“I didn’t mean to take up all of your sweet time

I’ll give it right back to you one of these days”

(Jimi Hendrix)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85zp1zVVDAQ

Published 18.3.10

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look! – New sports and news one this week

That was the week weren’t it; Going out to the London Regiment, Amiens Company in Kabul, Afghanistan

This bit is the rugby bit:

Masterfully, dull and ou est le oomph?

Published 18.3.10

Spoilt for choice on the telly these days, we’ve got the Irish fella who commentated on the Ireland/ Wales game at the weekend as if he was at the Irish Guinness Festival at the Curragh Racetrack; - “…O’Leary to Sexton, onto to Brian O’Driscoll, he takes a step on this his 100^th cap and here comes D’Arcy on the outside, and oh my goodness, D’Arcy takes a tumble…he’s down, he’s hurt, it looks bad… they’ll probably have to shoot him…”

Then there’s Brian ‘Pitball’ Moore; - “…well, if it were me I’d tell them to sort it out or just get off the pitch. It’s absolute rubbish, we haven’t come here to watch front rows try to srummage or watch the ref have a chat with them about how to scrummage, they’ve just got to bind on each others shirt and not by the arms, it’s a bloody disgrace, apologies for swearing it’s my Tourettes; arse-soapy tit-wank Mandela’s a cunt”

Over in the Super 14’s Phil Kearns is bagging the All Blacks regardless who’s playing; this from the Reds v Force: “You can go to the end of time, the last world cup in the history of mankind, and the All Blacks will still be favourite. Nice try by Digby Ioane there.”

Whilst with Murray Mexted no-one’s really quite sure if he’s joking or even capable of it, “I would not say he is the best left winger in Super 14, but there’s none better”

And then of course there’s the French, “Hop-op-op-op-op-op-op-op”

Meanwhile in the actual games of the Six Nations, Ireland drubbed Wales by three tries to nil and finished on 24-12. fool had it down as 24-11, so he gets a bonus point in his fantasy league… and a marshmallow that he can drive like a car and bump into anything and pay off insurance claims by peeling off a chunk as way of payment, that was of course till the evil pixies came and stole the whole dream, the poncy fairy winged gits, get some real wings you low life… Kerr, fantasy leagues eh.

Ireland dominated this game. Lee Byrne was probably unlucky to have received a yellow card for killing the ball, which in his absence led to 10 Irish points. Nevertheless, the flow ebbed in the Green Island’s favour and masterfully they took they’re chances.

The first try came from quick phase ball and a reshuffle in the backline where O’Leary fed B.O’D, onto Earls who finished strongly to score. On the half hour mark the Irish forwards kept the ball trundling forward, O’Connell broke loose, slipped a sly basketball pop to O’Leary on the burst and he sped in the last 20 metres to notch Ireland’s No.2.

Wales had snippets of play and Roberts came close but was tackled where a series of metre scrums ensued. After they were re-set several times Ireland stole the feed, drove Wales off the ball and the crowd went ballistic. From then on in the game was theirs.

On 60 minutes O’Leary scampered off from a lineout, passed to and then wrapped around B.O’D, who found the gap courtesy of Roberts’ miss tackle. B.O’D shipped it to Earls, who despite Halfpenny and Williams’ (6623) dual covering tackle he managed to ground the ball for try No.3. Five minutes from the end Sexton dropped a goal just to tally up the points.

Wales were disappointed and so they should be. Gatland re-capped, “We are very disappointed. Ireland are very good and very clinical. We had more territory and possession, but turnovers were costly for us.”

In Scotland; England’s alluring features went from ‘mild interest’ to ‘pass the mustard’. Both teams shared 30 points equally thanks to the boots of Sgt. Wilko, Dan Parks and Toby Flood. There were spasms of exhilaration which were more akin to the kind of violent shudders after suddenly waking from an unexpected sleep on the train - Undoubtedly accompanied by globules of snotty dribble too.

In the plus margin, Sgt. Wilko lobbed a pass forty feet above Dylan Hartley’s head on the right wing, which was mildly exciting. Max Evans had a dart through a gap. That was riveting. Dylan Hartley swung a haymaker at Ross Ford, and ironically was awarded a penalty, although to be fair it was for the original infringement. And late in the second half, through some tidy recycled ball Chris Cusiter broke on the right, gave it Kelly Brown who challenged Ugo Monye to a head to head joust and they both left the field dazed and confused. – Thankfully both were ok.

In between that total 1minute 20 seconds of play were some scrum re-starts. If dull was a commodity these two sides could retire, but of course no-one is going to claim Scotland to be the culprits as only England are permitted to don that label.

Yet, dull the game was, but you still can’t help thinking England will shine once they get it right, but then how long have we been saying that. Watch this space… now watch this space…

Scotland; fired up, are a good side. Reflecting on the draw Borthwick said so; “It’s frustrating for both sides, and a kind of empty result. Scotland are a very good side.” He said. However, amongst all the monotonous re-starts it would be a shame not to mention Cueto’s maverick efforts, which have been apparent all tournament. See, hasn’t fool been telling you to watch him. Plus that was a try in the 2007 world cup. But back to the game and without quick ball how are any backs going to move against any defence. As Johnno understatedly said, “it lacked any tempo.”

France scored six tries to Italy’s two, filing their way to a Grand Slam with a win of 46-20. In a game where Italy refused to tackle and the French were left free to romp in 4 tries Nick Mallet said, “It was the worst match we have played for a year.” But then if it had been their best, they would only have lost by one less try.

Imanol Harinordoquy opened the bank in the 7^th minute and as Italy’s centre Gonzalo Garcia was yellowed the French ran in a few more through their own centre David Marty, who got two.

The best French try came from 5ft 5inch Marc Andreu’s break from his own 22 and was finished by Yannick Jauzion. Andreu got another along with flanker Lapandry who tipped the scoring scales and exposed the Italians complete lack of oomph.

Late consolations from Carlo Del Fava and Pablo Canavosio were just that. If against Ireland, France bulldozed their win, against Scotland they showed composure, then Wales were on the end of some Blitzkrieg treatment and here against Italy, France were allowed to display their flare – in short, ‘what have they got? They’ve got the lot.’

Coming up; fool says for this week’s last round, but in the meantime some results:

LV=Cup:

Cardiff were dumped by Gloucester 29-18. Simpson-Daniel picked up a hat trick. They’ll meet Northampton who disposed of Saracens 31-20. Five yellow cards in that game – 3-2 to the Saints if you look at it by the, less is more angle.

Heineken Cup: Nup

Guinness Premiership: zip

Top 14:

Castres remain top despite losing to Toulon 19-6. Comteponi and Sonny Boy Williams put in a sterling dual effort in that game/ Bayonne tipped Clermont 22-13 with an early try by Gerber setting the pace/ Toulouse put 34 past Montpelliers 3, which included 5 tries. Guy Noves ex French coach said it was ‘exceptional’. How about these for players not involved at Stade de France v Italy: Cedric Heymans, Vincent Clerc and David Skrela/ Albi went down to Bourgoin 7-17/ Brive probably halted Stade Francais’ chance of reaching the play-offs with a 26-14 win/ Perpignan’s boot 6 minutes from time stopped a Biarritz bombardment and the Mediterranean’s won 19-14/ Montabaun beat Racing Club 92 45-31 – confused? Good.

Magners League: uck no.

Super14’s

The Tah’s eventually got their dull monkey off their back with a 73-12 win over Lions. Drew Mitchell got four of the 11 tries/ Brumbies beat the Sharks 24-22, with two from Ben Alexander, the first after 20 phases. The Sharks will come good – no fear/ Reds put in another decent performance to beat the Force 50-10. Quade Cooper and Will Genia are still running things but centre pairing Anthony Faingaa and Digby Ioane got the tries/ Stormers put more misery on the ‘Canes; 37-13 despite five tries they are still not the finished article. Their silliest named try came from Sireli Naqelevuki/ Bulls remain top, beating Highlanders 50-35. Three quick tries laid the platform, although Israel Dagg got three of his own for the Kiwi outfit. The Bulls finished with 7 in total the best Dutch name going to Van der Heever/ Chiefs were ousted by Crusaders 23-16. In a good first half, the Chiefs will prove very dangerous if they could just run everything and do not much else. Alas set pieces are part of the game. Crusaders No.9 new boy Fotuali’i did well with two tries.

fool says:

Wales v Italy – You’d like to think Wales will get it right by this game, especially having the likes of Gethin Jenkins, Mike Phillips and Ryan Jones back in the frame. But they won’t. They’ll win. Italy will push them, but they’ll win and for all Gatland’s personal vengeance on his players it won’t be pretty. He barked this week that training will be hard; “I think we need to put them through a bit of pain.” He is angry at their petty mistakes, their mindless penalties and only playing in the last 20. A bit of glue is what he needs. Perhaps young lad Tom Prydie on the wing may provide it. The youngest Welshman to don the Prince of Wales’ feathers at 18 years 25 days beating Norman Biggs back in 1888 by 25 days – on that day, 20^th March in 1888 it was the start of the Sherlock Holmes adventure A Scandal in Bohemia. But can Prydie do the fandango? Wales 30 – 16 Italy

Ireland host a revved up Scotland and let’s hope they haven’t lost their momentum – the Jocks that is. They’ll need a lot more than they gave against England, but realistically Ireland have enough clout to deal with whatever they throw at them. Ireland are looking for their 5^th Triple Crown in 7 years, but as Robinson says, “The only way to win from home is to go out and take on the opposition.” But the last game at Coke Park – I don’t think so. Ireland 30 – 16 Scotland

France v England – any paper will tell you only a fool would bet against a third French Grand Slam this decade. Well, that says it all. Not because the French haven’t beaten England in any serious game since 2006, not because they are a formidable team who are ‘equipped to beat the English’, according to coach Marc Lievremont that is, but because, like the Welsh, England haven’t clicked yet. They have the players, but are simply not getting enough ball, more importantly, quick ball. On Saturday, they will. And then anything can happen. Johnno revealed he’d like England to play ‘sexy rugby’, stating, “The mood in the team is that we are better than what we are showing on the field, we can keep on saying that, ad nauseum, but the team know they have to go and do it.” – Ad nauseum. France meanwhile will be disappointed for anything but a Grand Slam. Everyone knows it will be 30-16 to France (see any pattern arising) but fool says England 30 – 16 France. Why? Because of Foden, Ashton, Tindall, Flood, Moody and Shaw. Not necessarily the players but the intention of sexy rugby

Some shorts:

Tana Umaga is to go back to New Zealand after three years with Toulon and will be player/ assistant coach at Counties Manukau. Wonder if he’ll have a French accent?

England’s, Matt Stevens is on course for a World Cup return following his ban for cocaine abuse. He said, “For my sanity that has to be my goal.” – Who needs sanity – that’s not a suggestion to go out and take copious amounts of cocaine, but sanity, really – over-rated?

Bastareaud, Parra, Dusatoiur Haridorniquy Bowe and Williams (6623) are all up for the player of the Six Nations award. Not one Italian there – rigged.

And Heaslip is another candidate for the Super 15’s, saying he’d, ‘like a crack at that.’ But then he might go to France. Either way the Leinster man will be on the move soon as he’s keen to ‘mix it up’.

The original king stomping…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIKTMI7hTp4

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV of famous people who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one. Can be an actor in the John Smit XV, but he has to be relevant to that position, i.e. Elvis at flyhalf – sharp, nimble, play/decision maker, good hip swerve (he had a brother, but died at birth!). Can be an actress, author, sportsman etc…

Send ‘em in, you win a prize; if you have 8 or more pairings the same as fool, you win a special prize.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!

Sent in by the Quizmaster formerly known as the Silent Third party:

fool, Here are 15 relatives in sport:

15. Bobby & Jackie Charlton (football) 14. Frank Lampard Senior & Junior (Football) 13. Harry & Jamie Redknapp (Football) 12. George Forman and Freeda Forman (Boxing) 11. Ben Cohen (Eng; RFU) & Stan Cohen (Eng; football/soccer) 10. Craig & Alister McDermott (Aussie cricket) 9. Stuart & Chris Broad (England Cricket) 8. Brian & Nigel Clough (Football) 7. Alex & Darren Ferguson (Football) 6. Ian & Liam Botham (Cricket, football & Rugby) 5. Graham & Daman Hill (Motor racing) 4. Greg Norman & Gregory Norman (Golf) 3. Gilles & Jacques Villeneuve (Motor racing) 2. Venus & Serena Williams (tennis) 1. Gary & Phil Neville (football)

A good team Mr. QfkatSTP, but Gary & Phil Neville at prop, hmmm

In the meantime; here’s fool’s Heineken Cup/Super14’s team – players who have played in both:

15. Christian Cullen (Munster & Hurricanes) 14. Lote Tiquiri (Leicester & Waratahs) 13. Luke McAlistair (Sale & Auckland Blues) 12. Aaron Mauger (Leicester & Crusaders) 11. Casey Laulala ( & )10. Dan Carter (Perpignan & Crusaders) 9. Byron Kelleher (Toulouse & Highlanders & Chiefs) 1. Carl Heyman ( Newcastle Falcons & Highlanders) 2. Gary Botha (Harelquins & Blue Bulls) 3. CJ Van Der Linde (Leinster & Cats & Cheetahs) 4. Corniel Van Zyl ( Trevisio & Cheetahs) 5. Paul Tito (Cardiff Blues & Hurricanes) 6. Jerry Collins (Toulon & Ospreys & Hurricanes) 7. Marty Hollah (Ospreys & Chiefs) 8. Luke Watson (Bath & Western Province)

Subs: Justin Marshal (Leeds, Ospreys, Montpellier, Saracens & Crusaders) Ricki Januarie (Osprey & Lions & Stormers) Schalk Brits (Saracens & Stormers), Bruce Rheina (Northampton & Chiefs), Greg Somerville (Gloucester & Crusaders) – the rest next week

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

end rugby here!

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam, and perhaps a little off centre of Phuket. Cracking live music too.

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

A willow the wisp of cricket now:

Thriving on a thribble of theatrical proportions this week fool has pulled out all the stops, replaced the commas with those bastard smiley faces made out of brackets, slapped choonerism’s in space with a fet wish and got himself in a right pickle until he read his own ‘what’s up my goat round my wick and in my nose this week. Then after turning it upside-down, back-to-front and inside-out he came up with this:

Australia rumbled to a series victory over New Zealand by six wickets in the fourth Test of the Chappell-Hadlee bout, sealing it 3-1. The Black Caps floundered brilliantly from 120-1 to all out on 238. James Hopes piped in for 2-38, Shane Watson 2-34 and Mitchell Johnson 2-40.

Duckworth and Lewis stepped in to grant the Aussies a chase of 200 off 34 overs. They kindly obliged and left it to The Punts and Cameron White who both served 50’s*

The Punts put it all down to pressure, “Once you put teams under that sort of pressure we had them under today, it becomes pretty hard to get into the game. Our wicket taking through the middle has been the difference in the game.” He said.

Vettorri on the other glove viewed the wickets as ‘soft dismissals’, which was all about the ‘requiring the mental stuff’. And we all know about that, don’t we – it’s needed.

By the end of Day2 in Chittychittybangbang, England’s declaration of 599-6 was the winning rubber stump, which we all new was coming before they even got on the plane. However, the Bangles made a good fight of it despite losing by 181 runs.

Colly knocked 145 off 157 with Bell with him on 84, as Colly says, “I love batting with Belly.” - Where of course others have no choice.

Cook became the youngest batsmen behind Sach to reach 4,000 Test runs with his 173 and KP bowed out on 99, which he was really happy about. At the close of Day 2 Tamim Iqbal settled for 76* with stumps at 154-5. Swanny, already in the mood roused 3-40.

Tamim added 5 more the next day and with him they all went on 296 leaving England with 303 lead, which is the size of a cartridge used in British Lee Enfield rifle. Luckily no-one was shot on Day3 but England didn’t risk the follow-on as they only came with 4 bowlers, and thought to carry on might just be a tad tiring.

At 191-5 on D4… this is beginning to sound like Big Brother – ‘Day 4 Belly was the only one left in the garden on 39* as the rest went for 209.’

The Bangles came back and made a stand; Junaid Siddique struck a maiden Test 100 finishing on 106-292, much to Swann’s delight who out of sheer relief told him to ‘fuck off’ – no malice intended – none taken.

Mushfiqur stayed with Junaid for a 167 partnership adding 95 of his own. Swann eventually took care of them both adding his final tally to 10-217 – the first ten wickets from an English off spinner since Jim Laker in 1956, whose brother went on to adapt the famous celebration after taking a wicket and then went bust… or was that the airline? Either way it puts Swanny in at, currently this year’s world No.2 bowler.

Cook was delighted with his big hitters, but especially Swanny’s haul, suggesting it was ‘an amazing effort on that pitch’ and that he is ‘easy to captain, “He knows his field he wants and you trust him to wheel away, knowing he’s going to make the breakthrough.” – It’s all about trust.

Bangles skipper Shahin Al Hasan was equally proud of his big hitters Tamim, Mushfiqur and Mahmudullah, saying, “Now we have more than one batsman getting runs.”

Elsewhere in the briefs: Gayle and Pollard made 63 and 36 respectively to dispose of the Zim’s 161 by 4wickets and the series 4-1. Charles Coventry got 51, but then who’s he?

Steve Waugh’s concerned the Aussie’s recent games haven’t been worthy enough leading up to the first Ashes Test at the Gabba on 25^th November, which if you’re non catholic is exactly one month before Presents Day.

Steve said, “Pakistan and West Indies, you could hardly call them good Test teams.” (Pssst, don’t tell the English that about the Bangles)

Meanwhile Pakistan have caught the match fixers from their recent tour Down Under and will take them to a nearby town square and publicly suffocate them.

Till next week…

In the meantime catch this if you’re there.

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Other Sports:

In Bahrain’s opener to the F1 season much hype was directed to the non-re-fuelling rule which gave the whole race an Indy 500 appeal, which we all know is better than pussy – (old Platoon joke revamped.)

Ferrari came one and two with Alonso and Massa. The Ham took third, but it was Button and old man Schu who made most noise about the inability to over take, now that each car was carrying a 160kg cargo. The Schu said, “Overtaking was basically impossible unless someone made a mistake.”

The oldest F1 driver, ever, was Louis Chiron at 55 years 9months and 19 days in 1955. The youngest ever: Jaime Alguersuari at 19yrs 4mths 5dys at the 2009 Hungary GP.

Bernie Ecclestone is telling everyone not to panic, there’s no crisis, let’s not have a knee-jerk reaction here, “We’re programmed in 4 fly away races now so let’s see how the teams adapt and look at it again after China.” – Don’t panic Mr. Mainwaring.

************

In boxing Manny dominated Cotley and won as expected with unanimous points. Although there was no knockout, his coach Freddie Roach gave him an ‘A-plus’. There’s a good lad.

On March 28^th, from 4am, I will be attempting to run from one end of Phuket to the other – a distance of 40 miles/64 km. The run is in support of my brother’s charity which offers underprivileged young people in Goa , India opportunities to train and play competitive football. Contact www.footballclubofcanacona.com if you wish to pledge

I hasten to add 'I' is not fool but a fellow West Ham supporter Mr. A Lawson

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com
Not just a walk in the park

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

The Pope’s chief exorcist, which presumably means he has exorcists under him, trainee exorcist and clerk exorcist, and most definitely a tea exorcist, but Father Gabriele Armoth is the boss. And he’s convinced the Devil’s in the Vatican – he should know he’s conducted 70,000 of the buggers in the last 50 years.

He said, “We have Cardinals who don’t believe in Christ, Bishops connected with demons. Then we have these stories of paedophilia.” He has a point. Guess what his favourite film is. No, not Jaws - The Exorcist.

In his average daily exorcism he finds the most peculiar things, “From the mouths of the possessed people all sorts of things come out, bits of metal as long as a finger and rose petals.” He said – That’s not so bad, could have been old cabbage or a Celene Dion song.

In an interview on Vatican Radio, where Gordon Lightfoot is played all day, Father Gabrielle stated that both Hitler and Stalin were possessed and so too is Harry Potter, “Behind Harry Potter hides the signature of the King of Darkness, the Devil. There is no black or white – all magic is a turn of the Devil.” He states – Quite right.

Jamie Jungers on the other hand has just won $100,000 for answering a few questions in her bikini and scooped the best ‘love mistress’ to Tiger Woods award. Meanwhile Anna Arrowsmith used to be one of Britain’s biggest porn producers with female friendly films such as Eat Me, Keep Me and Where’s the Rent Boys? Now she’s an MP for the Lib Dem party in Gravesend Kent, which by the way was named after barges would make their last port of call in medieval London during the Black Plague. The Great Fire of 1666 took care of that and did the Devil get a mention?

Back to Anna; she said, “In this day and age people who live in a democratic society should be able to choose what they want to watch.” – Here here. As for her policies; “I am a professional politician. I have worked all my life to set up a professional business and I want to fight for the right of the people of Gravesend.” – Right on sister – what was that about Eat Me again.

A small village in the south of France, Pont-Saint-Esprit – the patron saint of sprinting, is just getting used to the fact that the CIA drugged them with LSD as an experiment back in 1951.

Apart from the hallucinations of dragons and fire, all was well. Then a bio-chemist from the Swiss pharmaceutical company who supplied the drug died from a suspicious suicide from a 13^th floor window.

Investigative journalist HP Alberiili discovered CIA documents saying, ‘Secret of Pont-Saint-Esprit’. And went on to lay claims that the baker wasn’t to blame, as most locals thought at the time, but it was caused by diethylamide, the ‘D’ in LSD.

Let’s have a tune:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7F2X3rSSCU

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘The Beatles were formed in 1960’

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: Mouse Potato – The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

According to Forbes the world’s wealthiest man is Mexican, Carlos Slim Hela at £37.5b. He tops Bill Gates by some £300m and is the first non American to top the list for 16 years. He runs a bunch of telecom firms.

There were 793 billionaires in 2009 compared to 1,011 now. They reached their peak in 2008 with 1,125. America has the most with 403 seconded by China on 64.

The biggest bra you can buy with that kind of wonga is a K-cup, dubbed the Windsock. It has a 4ft circumference with an 18inch width for each cup. As an accessory you can get lipstick that shows when the wearer is in the mood for sex. It will turn from clear to a deep crimson. It comes in at £12 a tube and is called The Mood Swing Emotionally Activated Lip Gloss.

Neither a he nor a she Norrie May-Welby is officially a ‘neuter’. It was born a bloke in Paisley, Renfrewshire, Scotland, moved to Sydney, Australia and became a woman and is now after further ops an in- betweeny, causing doctors to be undecided on her/ his sex. Norrie said, “The concept of a man or a woman doesn’t fit me. The simplest solution is not to have any sex identification.” – No sex please, we’re British.

Which toilet?

.Com is 25 years old this week. When it started as Symbolic Computers at Cambridge, Massachusetts in 1985 only a handful of company’s took up its offer. Now, 668,000 register every month.

But it’s not as good as a Japanese ringtone that can cure hangovers. That is what Matsumi Suzuki is claiming, but then he does work for Japan Ringing Tone Lab. He also says other ring tones cure impetus, insomnia, mood changes and make women happy with their breast size. What tune would be a double k?

Nepal’s tourist board have granted gay weddings at the foot of Everest, as long as they’ve got the cash. Aditya Baal from the board said, “If they behave well, if they have the money, we don’t discriminate.”

Someone who is making lots of money is Julia Alexendratou. She’s half English, half Greek but not a neuter and a huge celebrity in Greece. A saucy home video of her in a whirlpool made £4.5m in just 10 days. “It’s a big scandal in Greece,” She gasped, “It’s the first time a Greek celebrity did something like this and it got out.” – Oops, how did that happen. Folk are even making Easter candles in her likeness.

Jacko’s made a new deal with Sony worth £132m despite being dead. He’s got 10 projects on the go over the next 7 years, including a re-release of Off the Wall. He sold 31m albums since his death last June and just you wait till you hear Snoop Dig’s tribute to him on crazy fool’s Radio Show coming soon.

Muriel Noyce has lived in the same house for 96 years – that’s a record in the UK folks. She moved in with her parents and 10 older siblings just before World War I, 10 days later the war started. Her dad paid 50p a month rent, where she would sleep four to a bed in her parent’s room and 6 to a bed top-to-toe in the other room. In 1959 both parents passed on and she paid off the mortgage 7 years later. It’s now worth £225k. “In the old days life was hard, but much safer and you had a better time. You never had to lock your doors and people were much more polite to you.” Sighed the 100 year old.

Out with the old

Meanwhile back in France-land they tried another experiment; this one was on the telly and called Game of Death. A well known celebrity asked a guest questions and if they got it wrong he was electrocuted with 460 volts, whilst the audience chanted ‘punishment’. This continued until he died. A team of producers and psychiatrists said 80% of the audience participated with only 16 walking out, leaving them to surmise, “They are not equipped to disobey. They want to do it, they try to convince the contestant, saying that they should stop, but they did not.” – Le Jeu de la Mort

need a tune:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nghdLS8wMfI

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

(Slight Return)
The scene: It’s 2.30p.m on a balmy and breezy island afternoon. fool has just seen Jimi Hendrix in his garden again. This time he is disguised as a blackbird who has fallen foul of flying and is chirping, ‘Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise…’

Narrator: Paul McCartney did it better

fool: Shush man you’ll frighten it.

Narrator: And now the quiz:

1. Who is Steven Demetre Georgiou?

2. In what colour shirts to India play floodlit cricket matches?

3. A howler is what type of creature?

4. What are ends of a magnet called?

5. What did a troubadour do?

6. Where was Checkpoint Charlie?

7. Which English King was the last to die in battle?

8. At 2% of its body’s weight, how much of the body’s energy does the brain use up? A) 5% B) 12% C) 20%

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – In like flint this week was STPfkaQ with the correct answer of Al Jolsen to these clues: “A Wandering Minstrel I – but I didn’t play the banjo.” How about this one; “I’d go down on one knee for you mum. Hang on; have we already had me before?” So now, a new clue: “My girlfriend said I had eyes like a cat so I wrote a song called I Love My Dog.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 12: bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Seagoon: Listen, Auntie Min and Uncle Hen. I know you love children, but isn’t it time I was weaned?

Henry: Listen Min, he’s trying to talk!

The Goon Show

*Non-descript trivia moment*

PATRON SAINTS

Tax collectors…St Matthew

Broadcasters…St Gabriel

Horses…St Giles

Dairymaids…St Brigid

Taxi-drivers servants…St Fiacre

fool’s Gold

All characters in The Flintsones had four fingers on each hand and three toes on each foot

Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness

Japan is the largest exporter of frog’s legs

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have this from the Doc…

Farquhar surname is of Old Scots-Gaelic origin, and is the Anglicized form of the Gaelic personal name "Fearchar", meaning "dear or beloved man", composed of the Gaelic elements "fear", man, and an obscure element meaning "dear, beloved". The Farquahars are everywhere and loads of spelling variants. There are little Farkers, fat Pharquhairs, stupid Farchares and dirty Ferkars. I've known a few Farquhars in my time. There was Willie Farker, the convicted rapist and of course Martha Farquhair, the obnoxious suffragette. Don't get me wrong, there are some good Farquhars out there too. There was the sailor who used to work at the stern of the Cutty Sark affectionately known as "Farker in in rear", the singing family duo "Farquhar and her Mother" and of course the mute author simply known as the Dumb Farquhair....

which leads me on to this weeks word of the week.....

INNUENDO. An indirect or subtle, usually derogatory implication in expression; an insinuation.

Letters:

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Educational snobs – They’re your run of the mill snobs but hell bent from la-di-da-land with a scholastic slant. The kind of folk who look down on others through their accents, wit, dress code, nose picking, shoe size and sheer fragility when it comes to the broader picture, which is ironic really because they’re usually the ones who state, ‘where’d you read that, in a tabloid (please insert your nations fun tabloid where it says tabloid). They’re usually people who are good at one thing in life, which is generally to be able to stick their heads further up their own arses than anyone else yet still can’t smell their own shit. Embarrassingly it is in one way or another akin to all of us, as mutterings through ignorance will diss idiots in shape or the other like the common American who is just fat and ugly – no offence – how can there be offence when none of it makes sense. Yet, the educational snob will snub the poor bastard for being a retard too. He will then go on to spout something he’s learnt recently along the lines of spoonerisms or malapropisms that he can put into a compound and or complex sentence which some tit on the radio insisted was the basic fundamentals of the English language. For a while the radio waves fell silent and after a long pause and under his breath I’m sure the DJ called the caller a cunt then swiftly changed the subject. Unless you’re, oh hang on, it’s my linguistic tutor on the phone, he says, ‘Get on with your baulking of talkshit, so I can get to the Leet Sove’. – Educational snobs - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Harmony and rhythm – and the best way to remember how to spell rhythms is by this rhyme: rhythm has your hips moving – then just sling in a t somewhere.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

Ok, what else is on in cfnr this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

fool’s sport and news round up

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Randall, Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…The European Commission…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…two socks, ready to go…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity