Crazy Fool's Newsround - 12th - 18th June '09 volume 334

12th - 18th June '09 volume 334
June, 18th 2009 06:26 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning)

Plus the radio show – with a new look

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool and Mrs Doufries have been captured in Fathers Bailiffs cabbage patch with concealed notes on the Yaggaabanti Expressway, which is to run through Humberto Fontova’s…

Newsflash, newsflash, newsflash…

Narrator: I’m sorry we interrupt today’s play with an urgent newsflash…

‘Do you suffer from nipple irritation? Have you had enough of constantly dabbing those bleeders with cotton wool? Well, fool’s got just the thing for you…fool’s new soft and fluffy nipple comforter…comes in all sizes and colours as long as it’s red…’

Narrator: Thank you fool. And that’s about all we have time for this week. Now the quiz:

1. When was the first ever Test match between South Africa and the British & Irish Lions?

2. In which country is the town of Spa?

3. Nassau is the capital of which group of islands?

4. What would you measure on the cephalic index?

5. What was Spain’s General Franco’s first name?

6. What is the main flavour of aioli?

7. In Morse code what letter is represented by three dashes?

8. If you were a mycologist, what would your speciality be? A) Diseases of the colon B) The study of fungi C) Ancient Greek civilisation

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Last week’s numbers were: clue No.1, “As an actor I’d stomp it barefoot in the sand, not un like Sandy Shaw!” and No.2. “If he was the Silent American, I was the Green Hornet…or was I? Hang on...” – Did you really need clue No.3? – Of course you didn’t, well the Eagle didn’t, neither did the Silent Third Party – it was of course David Carradine, but now…a new clue; No.1, “One of the Enz compatriots more famous exports, I’m now a tree hugger…of sorts!”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page. – Should have a sub-comp soon.

Scores at the end of week 23 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those on the edge, just hold on to this for me…oh:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

I’m trying to think of a word to describe your outfit…”Affordable”.

Dame Edna Everage

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME Greek DIETIES

Boreas…north wind

Enyo…war

Eris…strife, discord

Chloris…spring

Thanatos…death

fool’s Gold

There are 206 bones in the adult human body but more than 300 in children as some of the bones fuse together as kids grow

1.5 billion cups of tea are drunk throughout the world every day

Fort-six per cent of the world’s water is in the Pacific Ocean

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Everything’s been very mellow this week, but this grated my goats cheese the other week: Supersizing stuff – I don’t even know what that means! I went into a coffee shop, which in my day used to be called a café, but back in Shakespeare’s time it would have called a coffee shop – strange – anyway coffee and cake for the family was the deal. I was asked if I wanted to supersize my coffee and I’d get a discount on a cake, a cake that I didn’t want. I wanted a cake but not the one on offer for the supersize deal. I asked. ‘what do you mean by supersize?’, she said, ‘bigger’, I said, ‘I don’t want a bigger cake’, but she was insistent that it was a good deal and I’d get a discount on this ropey looking chocolate cake that she pointed to with half a smile. I told her I didn’t want a discount and I didn’t want that cake. ‘Just give me a cake and some…there, that one there and this cup size for coffee here.’ She got the hump, she wasn’t used to talking to customers, the missus got the hump because she is used to me being awkward and now the kid was getting impatient and wanted the cake with the discount on it. But there’s no discount unless you get a big coffee. I now had to buy a big coffee and a ropey looking cake, which wasn’t for me and another couple of cakes for me and the missus. The missus was still pissed off because ‘I’ was being awkward, and littlen didn’t eat the sodding cake because she didn’t like it...well, it was a ropey looking cake. I didn’t finish my coffee and the missus didn’t talk to me in the car on the way home. Supersized can go and get fucked. I blame the Yanks – they started it by first of all calling chips fries, then sizing them as regular – what! – It’s easy – just like the three bears – small, medium, large – give it a price – big small - supersized bastards - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Long wheel based Land Rovers – you can get loads of stuff in ‘em and go over loads of stuff.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – next week we are going to look at fish:

This is another plane:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

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Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; let alone boogie to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; brings forth round 11 and meanders at round 12

*Trigger: trots on

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

OUT NOW

new and improved, with all the buttons – the pause, the play and slidy bit that gets you where you want to go… almost

A new show; out sometime on Friday 19^th June – this one stars:

One Eyed Dog

Also available are the ‘oldies’ with Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its September predecessor, - another new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Man Test…/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – might have to take it off the menu as I reckon everyone’s about to copy it – last chance to have a look: – fool still recommends the Gazpacho

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

* Classifieds

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…yes, we’ll get ‘em made …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

- crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – the lazy git! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Great Lions and Bokkies shirts out now

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to the Marie Curie cancer charity

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

The New Rugby extra Bit comes out on a Mondays and can be found at the bottom of the blue menu on the left – click on the black text.

British & Irish Lions tour to MB-land:

Published 18.6.09

Southern Kings 8-20 British & Irish Lions

There was definitely a crowd there, a fair bit of sand, plenty of hair going on in the Kings outfit – some of them looked like the Bay City Rollers on the roids. And there was plenty of biff – that was the roids.

The King’s, side strung together over a pint of haste a fresh lynching, came out guns a blazing, as you’d expect from any underdog, let alone the one who has the last chance to knobble a few players before the First Test.

The Lions have played some good physical games in their build up, and its always fun, nay half expected to throw a few slaps when you’ve got nothing else going, but there were times the game had the odd hall mark of Corne Krieger’s rein!

The Irish in particular got riled by their tactics, with O’Gara airing his grief at closing time and D’Arcy was none to happy being on the end one too many elbows, he said, “De Wet Barry is a good physical player. He’s one of those guys who like to get in amongst it. I shook his hand but I didn’t want to have a chat with him.” – I’m sure they had a pint.

Skipper Donncha O’Callaghan was quick to state there was no ill-feeling and said, “Things go on in a game and straight after a game it’s hard to forget about a few slaps in the face.” – The Geech was just happy with the win and the way they kept their discipline; “It was pretty full on, and we had to keep enough composure to win the game, which was the very pleasing aspect of it.”

Ex Ulster and Northampton coach, Alan Solomans, now at the Kings helm said with a twinkle in his eye; “Yes, there was one or two late hits today, but the Lions were no angels. I don’t think there was anything untoward.” – Nor do we Alan.

But anyway, on with the show, and bar the last ten minutes of the first half where some great comedy pinball rugby took place for 6 minutes non-stop, this wasn’t a feast for new comers’ eyes to the game. The Kings played a 100mph disruptive game and never looked like gelling, and the Lions weren’t that far behind them.

The Lions still didn’t man the rucks enough, and sent some wayward passes, which is probably too late to put down to nerves, but just basic errors. Ugo Monye broke the try deadlock near half time from a cross kick from O’Gara and in the in goal scuffle managed to palm it back, bristle it up his left inside forearm hairs, up to his armpit where he applied the downward pressure.

Not long after, the Lions were awarded a penalty try when the Kings dropped their scrum a couple of times 5metres out from their line. Perhaps a harsh call, but it was cheating nonetheless. Five minutes later they (Kings) went on to secure their own ball in a scrum on the Lions line, and somehow didn’t manage to drop it (the scrum!) and although it wasn’t perfect ball, 7’s star Mpho Nbiyuzo, on the flank controlled it enough to get a consolation try for the Kings.

First Test - Durban

“We’ve been waiting forever and a day for this series to come to South Africa and finally all the hype will become a reality this Saturday.” – John Smit.

Their forwards will be competitive, but even in that facet; the Boks will at least match them. And with Du Preez setting the tempo alongside Pienaar, who is going to stop the Boks? Not these Lions!” – Asfaq Mohammad, Cape Times.

“I don’t sleep very easy thinking about the challenge we face.” – PDV

Well, Smit hasn’t waited forever, because back in 1891 these teams first met and since then they’ve played 43 matches – the Boks won 21, the Lions 16, they’ve drawn one. Of the series the Lions have won four out of 12, which if you think about it is pretty good.

So who’s going to win on Saturday? – Well, it’s pretty safe to say it’s going to be a very physical encounter. We know who the Boks are, we know how they play, but we haven’t seen the Lions yet, but then neither have the Boks!

“Hook and Murray out…oh fuck!” – fool

fool says: South Africa 19-26 British & Irish Lions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Shorts:

The English Saxons swatted the USA 56-17 at the Infinity Park in Glendale Colorado and beyond. They notched seven tries through Kennedy, Young, Webber, Guest, Varndell, Barrit and Cato, although the Yanks sniped first through scrum half Petri.

They’ll now play Ireland ‘A’ in the final of the Churchill Cup, who, themselves got there by beating Georgia 40-5 in Denver. Tries from Murphy, McFodden, Jones and Buckly sealed that with one retaliation from Maisuradze. – Argh, names eh…where would we be without them.

Jonno reflected on England’s year, as he prepares for the next season and picking the elite squad to be named next month. He said, “We’ve come a heck of a long way.” And, “We understand what we’re trying to do on the field and it’s certainly far better than in the autumn. It got better through the Six Nations and that was clear in our performances and results, the French game in particular.” He went on to praise a bunch of players, but I’ll leave them for you to work out – fuel for the idiots.

Australia pretty much echoed Jonno’s words as they build to the beginning of their season, with Mortlock taking the mic, “There is a sense that we are building towards something.”

They have Italy again this week, and Mortlock was quick to point out the Iti’s strengths, “They’ve got some good individual players but they’ve got a pretty dominant scrum, a good lineout, and (are) extremely tough to break down, so it’s very hard for us to get continuity and cohesion in phase play because they are so good at the breakdown.” – They are.

They play their Second Test in Melbourne this weekend and Robbie’s mixed it up as expected, but I am interested to see how Australia’s 834^th cap in Pekahow will go at prop and Pocock’s first start plus Kimlin on the blindside. Mortlock concluded, “I’ve no doubt they’ll be a major challenge again.”

fool says: Australia 35-17 Italy

fool says: New Zealand 21-28 France!!!

The Eddie Jones rant: naff off Eddie

Do I need to mention Matt Dunning’s lost 7kg, but can’t find a spot in Tah-land so will ply his trade in Perth? – Na, no need.

I’m done.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

More Free T-shirt’s: Last chance; send in your starting Lions team - if it has all the same as fool’s – you win! Only one lucky winner so far – well done Mr. B. Patterson from Sarf East London.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Once Ireland got knocked out of the World Cup twenty/ 20 that was it for the fool – why else follow it. They were dumped on by 39 runs from Pakistan, and skipper William Porterfield said, he’s the Irish skipper by the way, just in case you were stupid or somefink. Anyway, he was upbeat by it all and said, “The more cricket we play against the top sides the better it is. The more the lads get full time contracts the better.” – Learn to bat then the contracts will come. – It’s the sausage and the egg thing isn’t it!!!

Moving on; England used their schizophrenic ploy by fielding a huge comeback to beat India last Sunday by 3 runs then getting smashed out of the comp by the Windies one day later.

Stuart Broad was told he wasn’t allowed to give a nod and a wink, nor neither point to extra cover on his run up to bowl. Graeme Smith complained about the youngsters tactics. However, Andy Flower was quick to remark that is was indeed Shaun Pollock who started such off-puttings, way back when, although he didn’t go as far as point. But then Dizzy Gillespie came in with aeroplane arms, and Darren Gough just pulled faces, so just how ‘inappropriate’ was Broads run up?

Colly said, “The games’ moving on.” – Thanks Colly

John Stephenson, who is essentially the lawmaker of the game, being that he is the MCC lawmaker, said in accordance to law 42.4 which stipulates that the batsman is allowed to pull out if he is not happy. But nonetheless this is still a grey area, he said. And adding a further point; “Players try things to gain an advantage. In the ideal world, I’d say to Broad that I think it’s a bit unnecessary.” – There, so don’t do it again Stuart…oh, it’s all over!

Umar Gul beat New Zealand by taking 5 for 6 and toppling them all out for 99. Daniel Vettori gulped, “I’ve never seen someone reverse-swing the ball after 12 overs and he managed to do that, which made all the difference.” – Infinity and beyond (yeah ok, that’s enough of that)

Its official it’s on…Fred’s back for the First Test. Andy Flower said, “Our focus now switches to Test matches and I’m very excited about the challenge of playing Australia. Can we talk about the Ashes now? Absolutely!” – There you go, I said it was official.

Punts on the other hand says their ten man spa treatment in sunny Leicester was just tip-top; “It wasn’t bad-boy nets or anything like that but the fact that we only had ten players meant we could get a lot more things done individually than you normally would with a squad of 16. It was good preparation for what is coming up.” – Hold on…its coming.

That’s it.

I'll have a shirt

Other sports:

None this week – everyone’s watching the Lions…apart from Elvis, who’s watching the detectives!

Try

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Britain’s have eaten 25 million more McDonald’s meals this year since Jan that than last year. That brings it up to 470 million meals. Can you imagine that 470 million meals in one country in six months. How many cows do you reckon that is? Dominoes Pizza is up 25% and KFC have employed 9000 more staff. – Sod the shepherd’s pies fool’s selling junk from now on… easy, I heard that!

Anna Ryan is 42 and she put on 9st whilst sleep walking. During the night she’d get up and unwittingly would trot downstairs to the fridge and gorge on cheese, chocolate and meat. She couldn’t understand how she put on so much weight while in her waking hours she was on a low fat diet! Then it clicked, she’d often find biscuit crumbs in her bed, and before long she was diagnosed with Sleep Related Eating Disorder. The lady from Blue Springs Missouri said, “We’ve now locked the bedroom door, but I unlock it or hurt myself trying. I knocked out a tooth trying to get into the kitchen.” – I told this story to Digger on the radio show last night but was too drunk to remember it and we ended up talking about butterflies feet or something! – You’ll hear it in a couple of weeks.

Meanwhile Michelle Bowater 37 lost 15st using, or is it having, extreme weight loss surgery. She had a gastric band and a gastric bypass put in place and was told she could never have kids. She’s just had a kid…. See; don’t listen to Doctors…nor fool and Digger when they’re drunk.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! One Eyed Dog is the next guest on crazy fool’s Radio Show – he’ll be on the air from Friday 19^th June onwards…

The big hairy mammoth, thought to have died out forever around 21,000 years ago, is not so. In fact studies have found the elephant’s daddy, from studies of five skeletons found in Condover, Shropshire UK in 1986, was only brought to its knees 14,000 years ago and not by man hunting it to extinction buy by climate change. Prof Lister from the Natural History Museum said, “There were humans around during the time of the Condover mammoths, but no evidence of significant mammoth hunting.” – Now you know.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.”

Kimberly Vlaminck is 18 and from Belgium. She went to a Romanian tattooist called Rouslan Toumaniants and asked for 3 stars to be put on her face. Rouslan insisted she said 53. Kimberley then fell asleep in the chair. And now says, “I look like a bloody freak.” It will cost £9k to correct it. - Really, who falls asleep whilst having a tattoo?

22 year-old student Rob Matthews from Brighton has just made a book out of online Wikipedia. It includes 437 featured articles and is wrapped in a blue cover with gold leaf writing. It’s 5,000 pages long and stands 19 inches tall, that’s nearly up to his knee…or yours! He said, “It makes people laugh.” – A-ha, ha, ha.

One tonne of cocaine was found in 20 frozen sharks on a freight ship in the port of Progresso in Mexico’s Yucatan state. The ship’s owner said he thought it was a conserving agent. – Double agent.

The Chinese would have spotted it with their Robo-cop –two metre tall cyborg sentries that are called Artificial Intelligence SWAT. They’re on the street corners of Kunming city and installed in them are cameras and panic buttons linked to a surveillance room. That’s a great idea if Big Brother’s going to watch us. Let him be upfront about it.

A naked bike ride took place in Brighton this week, to promote cycling as a green form of transport... It’s already been done in Cardiff, Manchester, London, Sheffield, Southampton and York. Nick Sawyers who organised it said, “It was great to see people smiling and having fun for a really positive protest, which was about promoting cycling and environmentalism.” – And getting your kit off.

Lastly, know your stats: Brit men spend £4.2billion on a slice off sleaze, which their missus’ do not know about. £1.6b goes on strippers; £496m on mobile downloads, £387m on websites, £384m on prozzies and £356 on phone sex. That has to be the oddest one, doesn’t it – phone sex. Lots of young fellas having a giggle, plenty of messages get sent to mates and one lonely vicar in Dimchurch feeling the need for comfort. But, but it makes a packet – want a business? Ask your cleaning lady to leave a few messages on your phone on her way out.