Crazy Fool's Newsround - 12th - 18th Feb 10 vlume 367

12th - 18th Feb 10 vlume 367
February, 17th 2010 15:22 PM

“Got up fell out of bed

Dragged a comb across my head

Found my way downstairs and drank a cup

And looking up I noticed I was late”

(The Beatles)

Published 18.2.10

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is sat on cloud nine wondering where all the puff comes from. Zorba the Greek is down the way, carrying on with some zany tune on the pots and pans… ‘da – dum…’

fool: Where’s the lyrics oh fat bubble-ite…people want lyrics these days…I ain’t sitting up here listening to you if you’ve got nothing to say…I could go see Marcel M…

Zorba: Argh…Pigsy… flt, flt, flt, flt…

Narrator: This episode of High in the Sky will resume when fool removes the plate from the bridge of his nose. In the meantime…

1. Who, besides Pigsy, were the other characters in the Water Margin?

2. Which long river has white and blue tributaries?

3. Duplo is a younger version of which favourite toy?

4. What shape is a tambourine?

5. In computing what does O mean in OS?

6. Which shredded vegetable goes into sauerkraut?

7. What is a fox’s tail known as?

8. If you were 10 fathoms under the sea, how deep would you be? A) 60 feet B) 60 yards C) 600 yards

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – Blinded by the light, rewed up like a deuce, another runner in the night… - nothing to do with anything that intro, but Manfred Mann’s Earth Band eh…eh…eh…what about them eh! Meanwhile back at the quiz, STPFKAQ turned in with Ernie Els to this clue: “Dressed as one half of a tiger in Africa I went on to tour the world.” – But he was wrong, so here’s another… “He went on the question the crowds incessant tittering.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 8: bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, (1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife

Groucho Marx

*Non-descript trivia moment*

DEGREES OF FREEMASONRY

31°…Grand Inspector Inquisitor Commander…31°

32°…Sublime Prince of the Royal Secret…32°

33°…Sovereign Grand Inspector General…33°

fool’s Gold

Elvis Presley never gave an encore

Japan is the largest exporter of frogs legs

Of all the words in the English language, the word ‘set’ has the most definitions

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have these…

Letters:

Dear CFN

I have a problem which perhaps some of your readers may be able to offer advice on.

A while ago, someone challenged my good lady to a wrestling contest. This has set something germinating in her mind to such an extent that she is now convinced that she is 70's grappling legend Mick McManus.

It has now reached the stage where upon entering our apartment, she will launch herself at me, clad in full wrestling attire. In the past week, I have been subjected to countless forearm smashes, a half nelson, a full nelson and a Boston crab (twice).

Things are now getting out of hand and if I were to fall foul of a crutch slam and Big Daddy splash, I would be a goner.

How can I stop this behaviour before somebody gets seriously hurt?

Yours
Mr Troi Oi

Dear Mr Troi Oi,

Indeed, I have seen this predicament before and therefore hold deep sympathy to your cause.

In one such case one poor chap was akin to wearing his leopard skin leotard under a Velcro fastened suit to which he could tear off upon entering his abode, ready for the inevitable onslaught of a camel clutch sleeper hold or a shady chinlock.

Summer, autumn, winter and the other two, he fell surprise to these attacks until he could take no more. To you good sir I give the same advice I gave he; bridled with-in your leotard, shelter a real leopard, this can equally work with a snake skin leotard or if you prefer a tiger adaptation, then when the said grappler attacks, step back from your makeshift safari suit and explain how it was once her idea to try tag wrestling.

Point of caution; if she survives Last Man Standing and one day you notice an elephant leotard in the wardrobe take arms and wear a pith helmet.

Happy hunting

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Questions – unadulterated, mindless, superfluous questions. The idle inquisitive chit-chat which stems from the fornication of innocence yet has the sting of a thousand probing, purposeful doubts. The most apparent of late, especially if in between jobs and countries, is ‘so, what are you doing? – Apologies, but today the young fool rebel is real strapped for time and has yet again been called to arms. Psst, come closer…yep, that’s close enough… there’s a clan of holiday makers over here, all huddled in their superiotic (made up word) world, demanding action of the leisurely kind and fail to see the un-(yet)-published fool in the corner is working out how to answer the goat riddled wick-dipped chowderheaded questions above. Must dash… Questions - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The relief of cutting ones toenails.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Some more letters from Viz…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

Please, someone giver her a T-shirt

Order from: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

This bit is the rugby bit:

Stranger things happen in China…

Published 18.2.10

Caught very much on the hop this week, fool has gathered his charred memory gland, soaked it in vinegar and plomped it straight back in the gaping gob-like hole from where he monitors voice … hmm, yes, indeed. I have no report, not read the papers, have half hour before I get on a boat and can’t help thinking of Jennifer Agattar in the Railway Children.

I watched the games, took mental notes, drank another Singha, rattled off text after text dramatising Wales’ emphatic win over Scotland, where a 31-24 overture was probably the meekest of reflections on the game’s overall standing.

Ha, the meekest and yet probably also the funniest, no disrespect Scotland, but if ever there was a more tantalising game in history, which had nations across the globe so far forward in their seats, so much so as to actually tilt the world’s axis a notch or two, then this game had it, and you’d have to say the Scots blew it.

Scotland barrelled Wales in the first half with pace, and a larger appetite for the break down. Wales didn’t know what hit them, wasn’t sure what happened to their form, had bellyaches of returning to the dark era of the 80’s. Then Scotland felt sorry for the men in red and let them into the game come the second half. Yet, if there’s ever one man who turns a game, it’s more likely to be the wee lad Shane Williams. He sent the Scots mental with his jinx and space creating darts toppled with the utmost delayed pass.

Williams gave the Taffs hope; they grappled with it in patches yet always had an eye on the full 80. Scotland craved in and committed a couple of dreadful penalties, went down to 13 men and the Welsh pressed on, did well to keep the ball, levelled differences on the official full time peep then ploughed on for one more touch down during overtime. They, simply took their chances whilst Scotland through them away.

The Irish suffered a similar fate to their Celtic brothers across the Irish Sea, but I’d suggest they’d be the first to admit they never had one half to rave about let alone snippets in the full 80 of their 33-10 dumping by the French.

Nay fear, the Irish will re-group. And the French, well, they were to put it mildly, excellent. They certainly had a throw back to the 80’s, whiffing nonchalantly of the Sella’s, Saint-Andre’s, Boniface’s, Lacroix’s and Blanco’s, who incidentally was in the crowd, looking like some Sudanese warlord!

But back to the modern and everything this young vintage side did turned to Champagne. The Haridonoquoy fella is still only in his early 20’s and making headroads in the stars A list like a bulldozer through the Brazilian rainforest (ok, ok five minutes…I’m coming.). With him on an epic journey is Viet Trinh-Duc, Jauzion, Servet, fuck, they’re good, but can they slip up – of course they can, they’re French.

Ok, 3 minutes left just enough time to skim over an initially abandoned report on the England Italy game, which England nipped in a very tight bud 17-12 – ooh-bloody-err, to the English. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, both teams hoisted an aerial ping-pong display that could only arouse the likes of Desmond Douglas against Geoff Capes and Andy Ripley in the 1980 Superstars (Brian Jacks was injured) – (1 minute).

Nevertheless a win in Rome is to be taken. England’s line breaks will comfort them. Sporadic forward robustness will give some kind of hopeful glimmer, but mindless kicks set them believable targets too hard to swallow… (Out o time)

LV=Cup: Heineken Cup: Guinness Premiership: Top 14: Magners League: Non!

Super14’s

Crusaders stifled the Highlanders 32-17 nabbing a bonus point as Zac Guildford touched down in the late minutes/ Cheetahs put on a competitive game against the Bulls despite their 34-51 loss. Wynand Oliver was the one to watch in this game with Van der Heever picking up the silliest name/ Brumbies snuck a win for the first time in Perth in three years, beating the Force 24-15. They’ll be thanking their forwards for that one/ ’Canes had to come back twice to beat the Blues at home 34-20/ And the Tah’s will be looking to improve for the their stint abroad, although a posting of 30-28 over the Reds is one in the bank/ Stormers made insufficient inroads in a dull game in Cape Town, but managed to beat the Lions 26-13/ And the Chiefs held the Sharks 19-18 in a wet Durban.

Some shorts:

Sorry, no time this week, not even to tell you about Andy Powell’s golfing handicap.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV of famous people who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one. Can be an actor in the John Smit XV, but he has to be relevant to that position, i.e. Elvis at flyhalf – sharp, nimble, play/decision maker, good hip swerve (he had a brother, but died at birth!). Can be an actress, author, sportsman etc…

Send ‘em in, you win a prize; if you have 8 or more pairings the same as fool, you win a special prize.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!

Sent in by the Quizmaster formerly known as the Silent Third party:

fool, Here are 15 relatives in sport:

15. Bobby & Jackie Charlton (football) 14. Frank Lampard Senior & Junior (Football) 13. Harry & Jamie Redknapp (Football) 12. George Forman and Freeda Forman (Boxing) 11. Ben Cohen (Eng; RFU) & Stan Cohen (Eng; football/soccer) 10. Craig & Alister McDermott (Aussie cricket) 9. Stuart & Chris Broad (England Cricket) 8. Brian & Nigel Clough (Football) 7. Alex & Darren Ferguson (Football) 6. Ian & Liam Botham (Cricket, football & Rugby) 5. Graham & Daman Hill (Motor racing) 4. Greg Norman & Gregory Norman (Golf) 3. Gilles & Jacques Villeneuve (Motor racing) 2. Venus & Serena Williams (tennis) 1. Gary & Phil Neville (football)

A good team Mr. QfkatSTP, but Gary & Phil Neville at prop, hmmm

In the meantime; here’s fool’s Heineken Cup/Super14’s team – players who have played in both:

15. Christian Cullen (Munster & Hurricanes) 14. Lote Tiquiri (Leicester & Waratahs) 13. Luke McAlistair (Sale & Auckland Blues) 12. Aaron Mauger (Leicester & Crusaders) 11. Casey Laulala ( & )10. Dan Carter (Perpignan & Crusaders) 9. Byron Kelleher (Toulouse & Highlanders & Chiefs) 1. Carl Heyman ( Newcastle Falcons & Highlanders) 2. Gary Botha (Harelquins & Blue Bulls) 3. CJ Van Der Linde (Leinster & Cats & Cheetahs) 4. Corniel Van Zyl ( Trevisio & Cheetahs) 5. Paul Tito (Cardiff Blues & Hurricanes) 6. Jerry Collins (Toulon & Ospreys & Hurricanes) 7. Marty Hollah (Ospreys & Chiefs) 8. Luke Watson (Bath & Western Province)

Subs: Justin Marshal (Leeds, Ospreys, Montpellier, Saracens & Crusaders) Ricki Januarie (Osprey & Lions & Stormers) Schalk Brits (Saracens & Stormers), Bruce Rheina (Northampton & Chiefs), Greg Somerville (Gloucester & Crusaders) – the rest next week

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Riddled in the same vice-grip of time itself fool has donated a mere thribble’s worth to the cause of pad and willow; most notably being Shane Watson’s meteoric rise to this season’s Allan Border Medal in all forms of the game.

The 28-year-old had played only eight Tests prior to being 1-0 down in last years Ashes. He’s since played 14 Test innings hurtling along with 7-50’s and a Maiden century.

The Punts handled Man of the Match at the Gabba’s ODI by rattling off 106 off 112 balls. The Aussies made a recognisable 324 and beat the Windies by 50 runs. The Punts knew it was all over once Gayle was gone on 25 overs; “We stuck at it really well there and got that wicket. Pretty much when we got that (Gayle) I thought we were home.”

Yes, no offence Pollard and Smith but you’re no Gayle.

It seems the Indians had snuck ahead on D3 in Kolkata by 135 runs and still 4 wickets in hand, and just like New Zealand’s declaration on 553-7, which favoured a Guptill and McCullen partnership of 339; yet still with a Rubel Hossai 5-166 for the Bangles, I can tell you no more… savvy!

Till next week…

In the meantime catch this if you’re there!

Other Sports:

‘50-50’ bend – say no more!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

The new, soon to be, conceptual art of cooking lies on a surfboard. Not a real one, but it sort of looks like one, minus the teeth marks and half a leg attached to the rope. Perhaps that’s what inspired Electrolux to the idea of a soft topped pliable surface where you can mould a pan size for all ingredients by hand. That’s right, punch a fist for a small pod or two of peas and spread a pan for a rack of ribs. No washing up, which means no suds, which means no Fairy Liquid adverts with middle-aged horny mums.

Horniest mum’s in the world or the whole kit n caboodle come to that is America – they are officially the most beautiful people on the planet according to 3000 women and 1000 men at One Poll.com. Next were the Yaggastan’s followed by Spain, Australia and Italy. A spokesman from the surveying tribe said, “America’s got a lot to offer and boasts some of the sexist people on the planet.” – Indeed, such as Marge, Al Gore and Joan Rivers. “But with a population of more than 300 million they do have an unfair advantage.” Quite. Guess where the Swedes came? No? Ok, 6^th. English? 7^th, India? 8^th – argh see a pattern now huh, ok, how about Welsh – a-ha – 13^th. German’s? No, yeah me too, but no – 18^th, what, with Marlene Dietrich and Feeline Mrs Doufries, the infamous spy, shepherd, seamstress, spam packer and car mechanics descendants! Ireland 16^th, Scotland 19^th and Canada 20^th – is that where Kathy Bates comes from?

If you don’t think anyone’s watching, think again. Brits are on the perv up to ten times a day – that’s the women looking at the women’s wobbly bits too. Plastic surgery firm Transform carried out that survey, which is in stark contrast to last week’s news where they told us women were looking to downsize their assets, whereas 63% in this survey said they wanted bigger ones. I’m not confused.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘The Beatles walk across the zebra cross enroute to Abbey Road studio - fact’

King Tut; had a club foot, a cleft palate and probably died of a broken leg. His mum and dad were brother and sister. He became King at age 10 in 333BC, which was about 1,670,000 years before Rachquel Welch was bonking dinosaurs.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: Assmosis - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than by working hard.

The rock n rolling EMI studio in London’s Abbey Road is under the financial kosh and will have to be liquidated if the current owners can’t come up with £120m by June. Currently they’re in the red to the tune of £3bn. A lawyer said, “It’s a very very expensive piece of heritage.’ A fool said, Sir Edward Elgar recorded Land of Hope and Glory there in 1931, two years after it opened – great on 78 if you can get it.

Ok, out of time, but just enough to tell you that Ted Ingram is the longest serving paper boy with 68 years under his belt and still going strong. The 90 year-old still delivers six days a week in his village in Winterbourne Monkton, near Dorchester, Devon UK. He started off in 1942 to earn a few extra bob and has only ever missed it twice, due to storms and papers not getting to the village. He’s only been on holiday twice and even then he got his neighbour to cover for him. Even when he broke his back in the 50’s (year, not number of vertebra) he got his wife out there pounding the streets – so don’t tell me you haven’t got time to read the news. Ted Ingram, we salute you