Crazy Fool's Newsround - 12th - 18th December '08 volume 310

12th - 18th December '08 volume 310
December, 18th 2008 04:31 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: We’re in Lapland’s School for Tourettes, in Lapland. Not where you can get Tourettes, but where kids are taught who have it.

Father Christmas: Are you all having fun?

Kids: No, bugger off yer fat c**t

Narrator: Bless ‘em, they’re getting better. And no fool this week… (A voice from inside a bottle of Bailey’s suddenly shrieks, ‘Get on with it fatso’)

1. Who said they would have a blue Christmas without you?

2. How many sets of tyres can an Indy Car use in a weekend?

3. When was the first race meeting at Royal Ascot?

4. Where are the ethmoid, vomer and zygomatic bones in your body?

5. What is a red biddy?

6. Who is taller – Mick Jagger or Phil Collins?

7. What was Tonto’s horse called?

8. What is Paul Hewson better known as? A) The Edge B) Bono C) Dave Evans

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? Lots of ideas, plenty of guesses – a few that even made sense, but alas no cigars were smoked this week, and so the saga continues – here’s another sniff of last week’s clue followed with hot feet by this week’s clue numero dos: clue No.1, “Partial to a few sheep, I wasn’t perhaps in the real world but I’m sure I’d ring a few bells in the filament of your animation.” – No.2; “I’m wondering if I actually had a name, the sheep definitely knew me for sure and would often shout it twice…or was it the shepherd that would shout, surely the sheep would bleet!”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 46 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those wondering where four weeks of the year went, so am I:

Dracule: 21 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 15 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 7 (1 or 1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 2

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

I come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn’t take his body down till the sixth of January

Nick Doody

And:

My mother has come round to our house seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.

Les Dawson

*Non-descript trivia moment*

THE FLAG OF KIRIBATI

The top half is red, with a yellow frigate bird flying (right to left) over a rising sun. The bottom half is dark blue with white waves forming a sea.

And because it’s Christmas here’s:

TUGS OF WAR

Specifications of competition-grade rope, as prescribed by the The Tug of War International Federation

‘The rope must not be less than 10 centimetres (100mm), or more than 12.5 centimetres (125mm) in circumference, and must be free from knots or other holdings for the hands. The ends of the rope shall have a whipping finish. The minimum length of the rope must not be less than 33.5 metres.’

fool’s Gold

The word ‘sheriff’ comes from ‘shire reeve’. In feudal England each shire had a reeve who upheld the law for that shire

According to the ancient Chinese, swinging your arms cures headaches

Charles Dickens mentions a fried fish shop in his novel Oliver Twist – but it was not until the 1860’s that the trade took off

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

This week's word is a two in one. The words daft (meaning stupid) and deft (skillful) both come from the same Middle English word (Circa 1200AD); DAFFTE. The original meaning was "mild and gentle". A meek and gentle person could conceivably be perceived as dull or perhaps intense, as in the creative sense. Somewhere around 1400, somebody finally had the sense to clarify further and the two words daft and deft were developed for clearer definition. The suggestion that it took 200 years to know whether daffte was intended as an insult or as a compliment; suggests linguists were more daft than deft in those times.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Folk that panic. Panic then worry - Panic then worry then say that the reason that you don’t show the same emotion as them is because ‘you don’t care’. I’m sure when Robin Hood was up against the King John’s finest archer, he had pangs of doubt and don’t tell me that Homer Simpson wasn’t already a psychotic mess inside before that chilli eating competition. Oh yeah, that and chillies – give me the Japanese flag – BASTARDS!

you call that a beacon!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks. – I hear things are going Bacardi Loco!

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly it’s good, let’s eat – I hear there’s a pie out there to die for:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Christmas is coming and we’re all getting fat, wanna put $10.00 in crazy fool’s hat!

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; rings the recent changes

*Trigger: tips us for Chrimbo

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in just in time for Christmas I think – that’ll piss you off when you’re still listening to it in February!

*Tit-bits – .../...recycled jokes/…so what have we learned…/…Right foot and brain…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – another year, another gig

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Last week we feasted on round three of the Heineken Cup, this week we see all the games repeated at each other’s ground for round four and fool’s not got ‘em all, as he’s been a busy lad, but has picked the best.

Perpignan pipped Leicester 26-20 to offer them up their first defeat in Europe this season. Tom Croft and Scott Hamilton’s tries secured a losing bonus point, but this game was all about Carter – ‘Get Carter’ 1974 classic – I’ve got it at home if you want to borrow it. I digress, for the Carter was a handful and after booting 16 points for the French he said, “It was like my first day at school so I’m glad to have got the first game out of the way.” – Bar a spear tackle on him from Harry Ellis he was pretty chuffed with himself, “I’m pleased with how the game went and to beat a team of Leicester’s quality in my first game was good.”

Wasps beat Edinburgh at Adams Park 19-11 in what started out as a romping encounter, especially from the London outfit then sadly the second half petered out into a kick fest. Dave Walder got all the points and that’s good for Dave because he kept the Cip out of the starting line up and he’s the only sports bloke called Dave – we’ve had this conversation before.

Castres beat Leinster in the same group and that keeps Wasps hopes alive, McGeechan said, “We are back in the competition and that is the most important thing for us at this stage. The Leinster game (17^th Jan) is almost England versus Ireland. It will be a tasty match.” – As tasty as the fool’s pie?

Harlequins are the talk of the town this week as they completed the double over Stade Francais. At 14-13 at half time the game had everything and still poised on a knife edge with eight minutes to go Juan Martin Hernandez dropped the Parisians a goal, but as the Quins have shown all season, a never give up attitude, saw them regroup 29 phases where twice Nick Evans lined himself up for the drop and twice took himself and his pack with him to get a better shot and win they did, Dean Richards praised the Kiwi, “Two or three years ago we would never had won it. I think the side is maturing greatly and we are starting to get the results we want.” – Yes, I wish I knew that result and I’d let you know.

Stade’s boss Ewan Mckenzie was proud of his boys and sees a certain glimmer of hope in January’s window, “We made a good fist of it. There have been a lot of teams losing – Munster lost last week, for example – and that suggests that if you are hunting for the seventh and eighth qualifying places you are in with a chance.”

Montauban returned Sales’ favour of a home win by 16-12 at the Sapiac Stadium. That was their debut HC win. Vilimoni Delasou’s only try and Chabal giving away a penalty in the dying minutes saw the French clear in the wind and slashing rain in South West France, and Sale who went into this game top of their table now lie two points adrift of Munster.

Munster beat Clermont 23-13 at Thomond Park in a game that had everything; ball retention, forward drive and looping backs. Yet for all the back play, which was a plenty all three of Munster’s tries came from the forwards. Clermont’s Brock James kept the boys going forward with the boot, whilst Anthony Flock closed the back door at fullback. Then Cudmore the Cannuck swung a haymaker at O’Connell and all hell went lose. Cudmore got the red and after his reputation we might not see him for a while, whilst O’Connell received a yellow.

Leading into the break Clermont defended well to keep things 11-3 and for the first twenty in the second half looked like they might run away with it. Marius Joubert started the break which carried for 20 phases before Benoit Baby was smashed by O’Leary in the corner which knocked them both senseless. Mark Malzieu bulldozed his way over, but two more tries from Marcus Horan and Niall Ronan, plus a record points tally to top 1000 in the HC by O’gara sealed Munster’s win.

Finally Toulouse beat the Dragons 26-13 and two tries from the very, very quick Maxime Medard and one from the very quick Cedric Heymans was not enough for their desperate attempts of a bonus point.

Some Shorts:

Oxford beat Cambridge 33-29 in the Varsity, making it the first three wins on the trot for 74 years. Ex England boss Dick Best watched 21 year-old Tim Catly, who incidentally went to school with the Cip at Whitgift – a school the fool used to play against! Where was I? Yeah, Dick Best watched him score a hat-trick and said, “This kid is special. He has a hand-off like a piston and is seriously quick.” – Whereas the fool was seriously handed off and was hilariously pissed on!

Phil Vickery is a late shock contender for captain of the Lions. He’s been on song for Wasps the last three games and is relishing being captain again as Raphael Ibanez is sidelined with concussion. Coach McGeechan says he knows exactly what to say and when to say – not mentioning anything unnecessary so the players can stay focussed. This he says is all “Good pluses for the Lions.” – Making the team should also help.

After six straight losses, out of the Heineken Cup and lying 10^th in the Top 14, giants Biarritz’ boss Serge Blanco is thinking of cutting salaries. The big man has had enough and states it’s time to retain some of the player’s wages and only to reimburse it if objectives are fulfilled. The President is ringing in the changes and says, “My job is to say, ‘you stay, you leave’…In life everything is negotiable, even contracts. It would be dishonest not to talk straight.” – What’s he talking about anyone!

Lastly the ARU are pulling out of the Specific Nations Cup due to costs – it doesn’t say they can’t afford it or more than likely get bugger all sponsorship out of it. For the same reasons the Australian Rugby Shield is also on hold for 2009. – Do they get more money for playing games in Hong Kong ?

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had two takers – better be quick, cos next week I’m upping it to the 2015 World Cup!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now:

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England came, they saw, they capitulated.

But not before Strauss hit himself up a double ton – only the tenth Englishman to have ever done so – can you guess who the other nine might be!

They were good knocks of 123 and 108 and helped by Colly’s ton in the second innings England found themselves in the driving seat in Chennai for the best part of three and half days, that despite them losing five wickets in 16 overs straight after Andrew was out! – In celebration he simply said, “I was very satisfied to get that second 100.” – Yes, you sound it.

England’s bowlers came out firing, with Freddie doing most damage, although Swann was right behind him with Harmy and Monty in the mix too. Harbhajin Sing was probably sweating right up to day five when he said, “I think England’s bowlers will have a tough time because it is hot and they are not used to these conditions. Apart from Freddie Flintoff, I don’t think they have any bowler who can get people out.”

He just might have proved himself right though as India were left with a run chase of 387 on day four and up to the crease came Schewag and Tendulkar and although Swann managed to nab the Virandar lbw, he had already whacked 83 off 66 balls.

The little fella went on to get his 41^st ton with a boundary and saluted the crowd, “There’s no way I’d say this will make everyone forget what has happened in Mumbai but it was a wonderful match and people are again enjoying cricket the way it was meant to be. I’d like to thank England coming back – it was a terrific gesture.” – Grovelling little bastard.

KP on the other hand, whom bloke down the pub says hasn’t got a clue about captaincy, had mixed emotions, “To control the Test for 70% of the time and miss out is a bitter pill to swallow. Who can write Sachin Tendulkar’s script any better. The man from Mumbai scored a sensational hundred. He batted like a superstar. It was a super knock, just the like the man. He is a super bloke.” – Grovelling big bastard.

The Sach snuck 42 singles off Monty alone, no wonder KP played him up and like a good bloke he stuck by his players but is no doubt seething like everyone else. Boycott and Botham have especially got into him – for pretty much being a predictable and boring bowler. Warney summed up the pairs rants earlier this season, “Monty has played 33 Tests. He has played the same Test 33 times. He needs to bowl it higher and wider, throw it up. And bowl with more variety.” – Just stick to the ball Monty!

Warney’s also in trouble himself, this time with the Aussies. Graeme Smith claims Shane spoke to him during their IPL days with the Rajasthan Royals, on how to get the likes of Hayden and Ponting out. Smith is quoted as saying, “He (Warne) has an incredible cricketing brain.” – Warney naturally refutes all as nonsense and replied, “The so called tactics and plans for the Aussie batsmen – I can guarantee you – are all South African spin.” – There he goes again!

Stanford millions – what millions!

Till next week…

Other sports:

Ricky Hatton’s in demand, cos he’s got talent. Mayweather Jr is back on the scene and is sniffing cash. The unbeaten fighter for 39 bouts bashed up Hatton in the ring 12 months ago and now Hatton’s dead keen on Manny Paquiao the bidding wars start to begin. Ricky’s lawyer and adviser, Gareth Williams, said, “Every light-welterweight in the world wants to fight Ricky.” His corner’s had applications from everybody even the 130-pounders. Gareth notes, “Ricky is a massive draw and can fight anywhere he wants.” – Not in my kitchen he can’t, no, no, hang, why not, winner gets a pie. A pie in the eye. A pie in the eye for being so sly, a pie… Nurse…Nurse…!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Britain’s oldest brain was found this week. It’s from the Iron Age, which makes it about 2000 years old. Archaeologist Rachel Cubitt found the skull at digs in Heslington near York and said she felt something move in the base of the skull and noticed an unusual yellow substance. The excavations were around an area where inhabitants dwelled about 300BC, as old trackways, buildings and a KFC were also found. Boff Brian Carter said, “The skull is another stunning discovery and its further study will provide us with immeasurable insights into the life in the Iron Age.” – If only they could find the mouth, they know a heck of a lot more – perhaps they could wire it up to Stephen Hawkings!

Daniel Hoevals 30 is a Swedish actor performing a play in, oh Vienna, Austria and in a scene where upon he stabs himself in the neck the audience gasped, fell silent then applauded as Daniel lay on the floor bleeding to death – someone had swapped the dummy blade…dun, dun, dun!!!!! Cops said, “There are rumours a jealous rival wanted to bump him off.” – Ever read Dead Famous by Ben Elton?

Brit Mark Hompage took photos from his home in Lutterworth Leicester of a ₤66,000 tool bag that NASA have been looking trying to locate for weeks. The tool bag was dropped by Heidemarie Stafanshyn-Piper on 18^th November, as she was on a space walk, it’s been floating around ever since and was visible whilst in low orbit near Venus, and get this - Not from Venus but Poland originally are 10,000 women who go to the UK for abortions each year, cos it’s free on the NHS. Are you telling they aren’t all connected!

The cover of a top German science journal Planck Research had a special Chinese edition knocked up with a few translation problems. On the front cover dedicated to the physicist who discovered the quantum theory read, text from a Hong Kong strip joint; “We spend a lot of money on the girls to be in the house during daytime. Our Mama Sans, Ga Mei and KK present you with young and beautiful girls. Stylished and good mannered beauties from the north of China. Sexy and hot young housewives. Flirty and enchanting, available today.’ – A spokesman for the magazine said, “To our sincere regret, however, it has now emerged that the text contains deeper levels of meaning, which are not immediately accessible to a non-native speaker.” – They changed the cover to a story written by a 16^th century Swiss Jesuit priest Johames Schreck titled. ‘Illustrated Explanations of Strange Devices.’ – Just floating past Venus I believe

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIV! “The difference between a violin and a viola is a viola burns longer.” Victor Borge

Drink driver Keishy Kubola 18 was sent home by a judge to change after she rocked up in court with a t-shirt on saying Miss Wasted, in Gore N.Z.

An on line sweet shop A Quarter Of, took a poll and declared that Father Christmas is about 66. They also said he likes a mint humbug best and second choice would be a Wispa.

Brit boffs have found two previously unknown dinosaur fossils in the Sahara Desert reckoned to be 100m years old

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’ so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

Burger King have made a meat scented cologne called Flame, which is sold in a New York restaurant and online. The ‘scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat’ goes for 3.99 and its ad reads, “The Whopper sandwich is America’s favourite burger. Flame by Burger King captures the essence of that love and gives it to you.” – fool’s pie and fragrance on line and in the shops soon – ‘That great smell of sheep”

Parents Heath and Deborah Campbell cannot believe the cake shop refused to write their son’s full name on his birthday cake. Adolf Hitler Campbell 3 did not comment but dad said, “They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The kid isn’t going to grow up and do what he (Hitler) did.” – Heath and Deborah also have two daughters, Lynn Ayron Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Himmler Jeannie Campbell. They’ve also got a Labrador, two goldfish and drive a Volvo.

Stuck for what to get yourself for Christmas, why not a giant remote controlled tank. Its 6ft long and a quarter sized replica of the German King Tiger. It weighs in at 250kg, and is camouflaged with a fully working turret that recoils on firing its two foot gun. There are speakers inside to resemble the rumble and its two 500watt 24 volt motors are enough to pull a car. It costs ₤6,600 and you can get it from Mark I Tanks in Easton, Winchester, Hants, UK – That’s the third 66 in this edition – numerology out again I see.

Ok lastly, Condoms with a ruler on the outside are causing controversy. The Condometric, which fits up to 9.8 inches of schlong or 25cm’s comes in metric or imperial measurements and also has flavours of cherry, lime and banana. One anonymous bloke said, “Who in the hell came up with this damned thing? My girlfriend and some of her friends were testing out Curiosite’s Condometrics prototype and they met up one day to compare results. This isn’t funny.” – A spokeswoman for Curiosite’s said, “If you take the size of your penis too seriously, your eyes will be closed, unable to appreciate the true value of your sexual identity.” – What was that robot called from last week?

just cf it

Merry cheers, merry cheers and wishing all the very best merriment over the festive period and New Year from crazy fool, Digger, Trigger, Dr. Phil, The Eagle, Dracule, Marc le Quiz and Fishman

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