productions presents

That was the week weren't it...

Our Man in Havana

The scene: Vladimir Gladhesnost Putin's caviar ring has been rung and after a bucket stop in Iran where officials found him to be 15 times over the limit of the soft roe substance he gets deported back to the Mother-in-law-land in Cuba. There he catches up with old chums Fidel and a visitor from another CIA state Hugo Chavez. Together they read from a book on Che Guevara until things get ugly on Putin's intoxicating imports of cheap vodka soaked fish-bits. Hugo sings uncontrollably in broken Venezuelan, whilst Fidel pulls on a tracksuit over his pyjamas and attempts press-ups. All the time he continues to rant about the good old days when he was in power and that his brother, who has been in charge since July 2006, is nothing but a fool.

Hugo: Arseole amy-o give it to me, delicious ice cream of Italy.

Fidel: Shut up Chavez, you fat fuck, and listen to me whilst I soothe your CIA soul by reading from the scripts of our revolutionary hero for the next 14 hours.

Hugo: Quando, quando, quando, quando?

Fidel: Ahem, ‘And eh lo eh he eh got eh into eh bulldozer eh and eh, wheeze, he did, did he run into eh those mother-fuckers on the train....eh wheeeeez.

Putin: Ya, smashinsk, kaboomsk. Deathski to espinach.

Fidel: Spinach?

Putin: Espinach

Fidel: Spanish?

Putin: Espiogaski numbskkulksky...spiesks

Fidel: Argh espionage, yes, they're everywhere!

Putin: Not in England, not anymore (He winks at the camera)

Fidel: That's a point. I never trusted my brother, where is he...Brother, where are't thou?

Fidel and Putin look over to see Hugo and fool jiving to some hick-billy cotton picking tune...

Fidel: Arvaye (He cries in colloquial mock semeiotic tones)

Narrator: Has fool been running Cuba since 2006? Will Che Guevara flatten that train? How many press-ups can Fidel do? Has ex KGB man Andrei Lugovag really got VIP tickets for Russia v England? And is Putin the real Hugo Boss? (groan) Find out all this and less next week.

Meanwhile *advertisement* Meanwhile, are you missing something from this 8mm reel of tripe - well have no fear because now we can bring you the real deal at home - HBO - Home Bonking Ordering - Yes folks, you too can sit at home whilst lovely Natschinski will come to your house and share her fish-bits with you - HBO - Hugo Boss Outlets - your No.1 online store - call now its free! Double O double O double O.

Fidelogoy

Narrator: Gag him, drag him, and lose him...Now folks, the quiz...

1. Did Che Guevara wear a beret, if so what colour was it?

2. A bob was the popular name of which old English coin?

3. How many strings does a Spanish guitar have?

4. What is the only English anagram of IMPRESSIVE?

5. Which illness killed Oliver Cromwell?

6. Who was the first non-Englishman to play James Bond?

7. What word can follow "band", "mass" and "pass"?

8.  On the Beaufort scale of wind speeds, what wind speed has a force 9 strong gale? A) 47-54 mph B) 55-63 mph C) 64-75 mph

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - It's where the fool keeps all the results from the comps!

 WHO AM I? - Never one to hold back on a hat-trick Ye Olde Dracule snuck in first again on last week's clue, who was obviously Scooby-doo. But hot on his heels were the likes of Legal Eagle and a host of other folk with memorably silly names, such as erm, and er, oh what's his face, and argh...but to no cheese. So without any further ado, here's this weeks all new Clue No.1 "I wore a funny hat, I was at a famous siege, and one night whilst nearly shivering to death I climbed the same tree 98 times just to keep warm!"

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

Some Famous Horses - (One for Trigger)

Lamri...King Arthur

Blackie...Chief Sitting Bull

Magnolia...George Washington

Strymon...Xerxes

Black Bess...Dick Turpin

Rosinante...Don Quixote

Arion...Hercules

Marengo...Napoleon†

Hippocampus...Neptune

†Marengo was captured by the British. He outlived Napoleon by eight years, and his skeleton is preserved at London's National Army Museum. A snuff box was made from one of its hoofs. (Courtesy of Schott's miscellany)

The little circle of paper that has been cut out with a hole-punch is called a Chad!

But now those who can only afford the bus please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food - what more do you want? - See what's on every Wednesday in the *classifieds

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh October- cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds - Quite getting into the burgers this week dude.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger has all the off season news on who's doing what and going where and what do they all do on holiday!

*Trigger plucked some beauties last week, didn't he. See what's in store this week. Will there be any camels?

*Tit-bits - got a couple of gooduns on stones and Jocks and things this week, honest. *Grub-Up will continue to delight you with Cameron Diaz' lips on the side, whilst *Fishman - informs the fool he could be back at the helm in a couple of weeks, and *Bongo Massif Bro's - who are ya, who are ya...

Mr. Meaner...Oh yeah, had enough Nazi or do you want some more?

nearly there

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

Due to contrary belief the fool does possess an ounce.

I'm sorry, I'll rephrase that...the fool does possess an ounce of sense...emelia!

(Ed. forget it and go straight to the ‘I told you so')

Well slap my thighs and call me a dingo, if the darn fool ain't been chirping on about it for years then my name aint tamawacktannihannatanniticktartuhonomattacwannapackawanntammitimmitorahonanooarpakkiwannatarratahomickytora - and he can say that. - The weirdest thing is that, that doesn't come up on spell check!

Enough crap; England beat France in Semi-final No.1 by 14-9, in what, might not have been the flair de la crème of all games, but for compelling, hard bashing intensity in an incessant cauldron of noise it was second to none.

There's a passion in these two sides that goes back beyond 1066, so we always knew it would be a biff fest. They didn't let us down. Biff. ‘Oeuf, vu bastard.'

Lewsey went over in the opening minutes for the only try, then subsequently bouts of aerial ping-pong, hit ups and spasms of the aloof derring-do on the hoof from both sides followed, only to be soaked up by an ecstatic crowd that bayed mercilessly for blood.

The hits kept coming as Sgt. Wilko confirmed; "The Matt Stevens hit on Chabal shook the stadium." - He eats babies!

The veins of the game continued with this ferocity to the point where French tactics of kick away the ball was perhaps a mistake, as England's back three, especially Robinson were more solid than St. Peter belting out a Simon and Garfunkel number on an island full of lions as the dulcet tones of a slowly strangled cockerel echoed in the background! (What!).

Nevertheless both sides trudged away at the territorial advantage through grit, grime and grimace, and for pudding a slap of forward domination, where equality from both packs was dominant, if not England sneaking the turnovers.

"You talk about the British Bulldog spirit, and it is here in spades in this group." Commented Ashton after, which was a surprise because fool thought you weren't allowed to say that kind of stuff since about...ooh...1977!

The Frenchmen then turned to mixing tricks from bump to chic but found no way through, and eventually a match winning tap tackle from Joe Worsley on Vincent Clerc in the far left corner, in the dying minutes was the clinical seal for victory.

The French's fate was then stamped by Sgt Wilko who slotted a goal to take the lead and a couple of minutes later a drop, causing an understandably distraught Raphael Ibanez to admit, "You have to recognise the cool of Wilkinson."  - Déjà vu?

Laporte was unappy, without an h, but pragmatic, "We weren't in their 22 enough, but it was two teams who were pretty equal throughout. It was that kind of match." - It was, bar the spades - the fool didn't say that Ashton did.

Ibanez was equally matter-of-fact, "It is difficult to find the words to express my disappointment. We'll need a few days to get over this. But this is sport - it goes one way or the other." - Hide the razor blades.

We'll leave this match with a winning captain's words of joy, "To beat France in France in a World Cup semi-final is a huge effort from everyone and we are looking forward to next week." - Must be someone's birthday!

‘Bloody bloke down the pub', said this section had a tendency to be biased to the English the other day - don't see it!

Semi-final Numero dos: South Africa as predicted wopped Argentina 37-13 - well done!

Over to next week...ha ha!

But really, this game did somewhat swing into the predictable. The Argies first half basic errors were reminiscent of England's in their opening games, i.e. too poor, even for the proverbial, ‘schoolboy error', mandatory comment - they (Argentina) simply looked spent, of both fitness and skill in this game.

They were worn down by a man eater who waited patiently for them on the High Veldt, picking off their lineouts, disturbing their scrums and ultimately being a nuisance. - As always.

The Africans picked them off with such a cadaverous determination that its prey never stood a chance - they could perform their bully-beef boy tactics no more, they could run no more and eventually their jugular was customarily slit by an accustomed predator that thrives in this strong versus the weak environment. You make a mistake and you'll pay against the Boks. So, as the Puma lay motionless with but only a Contemponi try to their name the Springbok stood over it, licking its blood.

Or something like that.

Bryan Habana showed why he once raced a cheetah, albeit a 2½ year-old, I mean, that's just a baby! - Pick on something your own age.

Nevertheless he pocketed two 50 metre tries in this game and the second; a kick and collect was a corker - it seems that wherever he kicks the ball he'll be the first there.

But it was by no means a Habana fest because the Boks from 1-15 showed a class act of set piece brilliance and the ability to counter attack through sheer sharpness; be it off the hoof, an intercept or just straight forward collective speed, which the fool believes is called speed.

Augustin Pichot confided, "S.A. played well today and were better on the day. We gave everything from the start of the game, but they made us pay for our errors." - The fool just said that.

Argentina should be proud they got this far and coach Marcelli Loffredo has done a good job, Jake White saluted him, "He needs applauding." - (Waits for two finger ripple to deplete)

Oh sod it; let's get onto next week...

Games to watch over the weekend:

In the Guinness Premiership Ba...

The 3^rd and 4^th play offs are on Friday night, which reminds me, What do you call the 7^th and 8^th play offs - The Bledisloe Cup!

South Africa go into the final with the definite upper hand having beaten England in the last four outings, including this tournament. However the English have progressed, be it with a stern doggedness that could bode them well.

The simple fact is that you can't make a single mistake against South Africa because one of their flyer backrows or back three will be there to punish in a flash or Percy the gay will slot it over as he has done consistently better that Sgt. Wilko all tournament, but then how many times have we written off the English - the fool hasn't!

Either way Martin Corry best summed it up for both sides, "You don't want to be tapped on the shoulder after the tournament and told, ‘You gave it a good go.' You certainly don't want to lose the final." - Don't re-mortgage your house.

boobs

World cup shorts:

Biggest disappointment: That one of the parked cars didn't fight back!

Biggest idiot: probably still John O'Neill!

Biggest confusing/sorry, smug comment: "I tend to calm down and stop tearing my hair out. I've taken up guitar and have learnt French and Spanish." - Sgt. Wilko on what he did the four years since the last World Cup - seen as he didn't play rugby.

Biggest bitch exchange comment: "They could do it, it would be a fantastic achievement - and just as big as four years ago, just done in a different way." - Sir Clive Woodward on England's chances on winning. Especially after hearing Ashton's wages will probably double

The odds: ‘It'll be tight, but I'd say they (S.A.) will come out the winner." - Stirling Mortlock

Best comment of the week: "To finish my career in a World Cup final is amazing. I've been saying this for four years now, that The Lord is writing my script - and it is an unbelievable one." - Born again Robinson on his retirement. - Here's to you Jason Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know...

Some off the cup shorts:  

None.

Johnno's best ever band XV according to physicality and sound:

15. Jethro Tull 14. Motorhead 13. Led Zeppelin 12. Madness 11. Thin Lizzy 10. Jimi Hendrix 9. The Specials a.k.a. 8. The Who 7. AC/DC 6. Sex Pistols 5. Crazy World of Arthur Brown 4. Fleetwood Mac (circa 1969) 3.  Bad Manners 2. Chas and Dave 1. ZZ Top

Other Results:

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

Well, we saw England win their first ODI series in the sub-continent for 25 years, 3-2, over Sri Lanka last week. However they went down in the last match by 107 runs. But that doesn't matter because ODI skipper Colly and Test skipper Vaughan are good pals going into the Tests. He said so himself; "I will speak to Michael if I need to. We are best mates.' - Well that's nice, cos Vaughanny is a Yorkshireman after all, hang on, so is Colly!

Over in India Brett Lee says everyone is talking to everyone and all the "I'll kill you' banter between Shanthra Sreesanth and all of Australia is just that - banter, and has become over hyped by the media - what? Never!

They've been at each others throats all series, which the Aussies currently lead 4-1 going into the last match today in Mumbai. This time the Ponts has been accusing the Indians of false aggression - he's taking the piss isn't he? - Yes fool, he is. Sreesanth shot back with, "I don't agree with this. Our game is not fake. It is not their exclusive right to show aggression on the field." - yes it is...no it isn't...

Brett calmed everyone down though and stated in a, ‘I've shat my pants Ricky' kind of way, "We just go out there and perform as entertainers. What you are seeing on television is competitive cricket by two teams fighting it out." - Always the dip Bret!

Woolmer's inquest started this week - thought that was all done and dusted? - Anyway Sergeant Dwayne Jex - guess which country - England, Pakistan or Jamaica? Explained, "There was a lot of speculation, and as a result of that speculation we are having an inquest." - Just when Darryl Hair was gonna get his wings back!

Till next week...

Other sports:

The Ham goes into Brazil's Interlagos circuit on Sunday just hoping to finish at least 2^nd for an absolutely monumental achievement in world sport - and it's not just because he's black!

Alonso, the bitch, has been bitching all year and now he's insisted on having a non-McClaren deputy there to ensure no foul play on winning preferences - so they brought in a Spanish fascist in the guise of top racing official Carlos Gracia, who immediately accused all of Briton of being racist pig-dogs - and the fool quotes; "It's perfectly normal for a British team and British fans to try to succeed in F1, but it's ironic that the racists in England are having to rely on a coloured pilot." - It's fantastic - his hole has just got deeper and deeper since this classic comment, ‘but I didn't...no you mistook...I only...'

Evander ‘Holy' Holyfield, 45, tried his luck on a 5^th WBO heavyweight title last week and didn't get lucky. Russian, Sultan Ibragimov smashed him all over the ring, but will he learn, will he fuck, he said, "I just have to get back in line and wait my turn again. No-one thought I would get this chance and I did. I will get another slot." - Yeah, someone knock some sense into him, please.

Meanwhile Welshman Joe Calzaghe has been the super-middle-weight champ for ten years! And has warned next opponent Dane, Mikkel Kessler, whom he'll fight for the WBO title that the only one who can kill Calzaghe is Calzaghe, he says, "The current Joe Clazaghe would have killed the Joe Calzaghe of five years ago. I am a better fighter than I was then." - Too many Joe Calzaghe's in that batch for my liking, but did like the use of the word, whom.

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

Ok, let's see; yes here's one; Britney Spears has turned up on camera knicker-less, yet again - yep, she was all muff-out stepping from the car as she turned up five hours late for court. She was asking for an overnight custody once a week of her two kids from ex husband. - ‘Bless her', the judge said and granted an overnight blessing, as long as she came around and did his laundry once a week...in the nud!

Esquire rag has voted Charlize Theron the sexiest female alive -but she's also South African and therefore authoritarian. She's in a new film, The Battle for Seattle, which is something about globalisation, where of course she has her say on the matter, "I grew up un a country that learned the lesson that you can't impose your way of life on 26 different kinds of people just because you call yourself righteous."  - Yeah thanks...is there any nudity?

stop nuclear testing

Englander Andy Hurrel from Whittlesby, Cambs beat Frenchman, who incidentally is English but just lives in Dordogne, in the World Conker Championships in Ashton Northamptonshire this week - he did it in just two shots. Bravo Hurrel.

plant porn

Garlic breath is good because the allicin breaks down into hydrogen sulphide causing the blood vessels to dilate thus reducing blood pressure. Doc D. Kraus from Alabama University in err Alabama says, "The beneficial effects of garlic-rich diets specifically on cardiovascular disease, are mediated by hydrogen sulphide." - I thank you.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part VII: One of fool's favourite and probably most used quip on this show was when the Stones were on their Durban stop off in the world tour back in '95 or '96? A reporter shoves a mike into Keef's face and asks, ‘What have you done since you've been in South Africa?'" To which an expression of life explodes on the pickled walnut head as he bounces back with, "I've done everything but a rhino!"

Chef Ralf Oschamnn from Gotha Germany fried 703 sausages in 1 hour!

Alana and Sana Klaric from Zenica Bosnia met each other on the internet love chat thing-ma-jig in the guises of Prince of Joy and Sweetie - trouble was, was they were man and wife - they've since filed for divorce on account of each other being unfaithful.

The sausage frying was record by the way.

Another bloke from Germany stole 7 kilos worth of screws everyday for two years from the factory he worked in, that's about 1.1million screws, then sold them on the internet at a whopping total value of £80k...then he got caught!

more plant porn

Brazil this week had to supply extra energy as 90% of the 186million Brazilians tuned into watch their favourite soap, Tropical Paradise. Electric company bloke said, "We were worried about a possible blackout caused by a sudden surge in electricity at the end of the programme." - Sod that, just who did kill the villain Tais and did the prostitute Bebel live happily ever after?

take a break

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.12: Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Swearing is good for you. According to boff Yehuda Barach from the University of East Anglia, U.K. the odd cuss boosts team spirit - fool's been fucking saying that for years...cunty. Yehuda went onto say, "Study suggests that, in many cases, taboo language serves the needs of people for developing and maintaining solidarity and as a mechanism to cope with stress. Banning it could backfire." - Well he gets the two fingers up from fool, but what about porn?

just cf it

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