Crazy Fool's Newsround - 12-18th Jan '07' v.220

12-18th Jan '07' v.220
January, 18th 2007 03:27 AM

‘I say old boy, you're a bit of an arse. I should mind to give you a thoroughly good thrashing. Come on you great odorous lump of a buffeted buffoon in a bald husk. Damn and blast your hide, you bad spawn you - work!' - Reginald Percy Throwback Waddlington III goes to work on an egg, although on this particular Muesday it was a bad egg.

No please after you

Take no notice of the rubbish above, it was just a lank ploy to use an old antiquated word I've had mulling around my head for a few days, but got side tracked on the old-fangled, passé, démodé of the dotard Reg that he is of the Waddlington brigade, and quite absent mindedley forgot that I wanted to chat about archaic, nay, almost defunct voc-able, which in this case is ‘cloak' - nothing flashy, nothing drastic, nothing so disguisably desperate as Harry Potters shroud, but lo its derivation of itself into the form so notable as ‘cloakroom', where it seems the want for draping your drape, robe, wrap or stole has all but like Elvis, left the building. Therefore I bid thee a tutty-bye and a toodle-pip, and will let you good souls of the viciferous world to once more upon this week's perplexer.

That be the quiz that be, be that...

1. Tutti fruitti does or doesn't appear in the (a) dictionary?

2. How does a judge hear a case when it is heard In Camera?

3. Where is the Sea of Vapours?

4. What colour is the tongue of a giraffe?

5. What is a Tree Ear?

6. What does the word biscuit literally mean?

7. Which film starred John Cleese as an under pressure headmaster?

8. What are the three most popular names for the Pope?

Answers to quiz v.219 are under Comps & results along with other conundrums to ponder and chew.

WHO AM I? ‘I can run 10metres in 0.0977 seconds...a couple of times a year!'

Is it me?

cf does not live on the craic alone, from hither to thither he will dine in the Iberian surroundings of Pacharan, relax on some of GTM's finest leisure and garden furniture, watch a slice of sport with a few colds in Vasco's, glugg a few Foster's in the Blue Gecko, unwind his mind on a Bootlace Holiday or just settle down to appreciate the art of Inkslinger's Tattoo's!

In your No.1 read this week are your old favourites *Digger and bro *Trigger. New competitions to enter with new results from old questions on *Comps & results. *Tit-bits will be shedding some new light. *Archives are always new! *Grub-up will tickle the sweet tooth's. *Ashes or *Sport, haven't decided yet will get a brief insight into crickets global expansion and can you smell the salty air of *Fishman? Last week I think he caught a couple of *Bongo Massif Bro's off the Quoc peninsula.

But dipping ye quill in further to the inky swells of the mind, cf has some draughts on nonsensical drippings of the week gone yonder.

This week's rugby round-up:

The international clock is ticking again, and only a few more tick-tocks till kick-off on 3^rd Feb in St Denis, Paris where, by all means France should knock ten bow-tie bells of pasta off the Iti's - but they wont!

The Italians are not lying down these days, and with only something ridiculous, like around 300 players to choose from, their international pedigree is on the up, much like a marauding Argentinean Puma, who have been levelling the gaps with increasing consistency for some time.

But, seemingly that gap in Italy does show on the ‘international domestic' front where teams like Calvisano are going to struggle for a couple of seasons yet. That ‘international domestic' front is of course the Heineken Cup and we head into the 6^th round this weekend with teams looking for a spot in the quarters.

So far only four teams have that immunity - Munster, Scarletts, Biarritz and Leinster. There are still plenty a few knocking on the door; Leicester go to Limerick on Sunday to hound Munster for some points (That's not a Limerick!). And the Ospreys and Stade Francais need only a bonus point over Sale and Calvisano respectively - first one is not going to happen the second will - bonus points that is.

Northampton looks to Biarritz for a ¼ blitz and I believe the other potentials are Wasps and Castres.

Point of fact: 2.25m people were involved in rugby in England last year.

Other point of fact; the French clubs are pulling out of next seasons Heineken Cup, which all comes down to - yep - money. See if you can work it out from this statement by Serge Blanco, he who smoked 60 a day, whilst on the peak of his majestical form back in the 80's. He who is now El Presidente of the Ligue Nationale (they can't even spell it!), the organisation that oversees the country's top clubs - he, who was that icon of superb said, If the RFU had given 50% of the stakes to the clubs then we would have taken part in the competition." - He, who is so typically French, he probably has a hand in yearly rituals of sheep burning by farmers at all French Ports and air traffic control strikes in peak holiday season...

But enough penny pinching let's get back to some international news; and Mike Catt, old bloke, reckons London Irish's Shane Geraghty 20, young bloke, is the bee's mustard! He said of him, "Shane is definitely ready for the Six Nations. His distribution is brilliant and he creates so much for us out wide." - Well he's going to have to because the supposed top three are otherwise injured.

Talking of injuries, Australian fullback Chris Latham reckons he'll be back from his cruciate ligament tear by 30^th June, just in time for the first Bledisloe Cup - ooh, I'd have a cup of tea first.

Matt Rogers (Elf-man) on the other foot has upped sticks and headed back to league - to new team on the block, Gold Coast Titans. Already they have been described as the ‘envy of the Premiership' with 6 internationals signed already - Matt being the biggest of the knobs.

The All Blacks have a new sponsor in the guise of Iveco. Graham Henry said, "The All Blacks are grateful for the support of Iveco in what will be a key year in our rugby history." - They're pretty confident eh - cf say's they are going to get beat.

Super 14's soon - go the Force.

The Force

Meanwhile, Twickenham could be holding a regular season NFL game in late September. Miami were due to play either the N.Y. Giants or Dallas in Berlin or Frankfurt, but the Yanks found out those cities were in Germany! So switched allegiances to Britain. Wembley was thought to be the obvious choice, but it seems Twickers may get the nod.

Miami

If that isn't enough, the Cape Town Stormers plan to play Canterbury Crusaders at Twickers also - this time in the 2008 season - as if there aint enough South Africans and Kiwi's in London!

2^nd World Cup game is on sat 8^th September in Marseille: New Zealand will kill Italy.

Righty-ho - a snippet o' cricket:

And what a marvellous delivery that was (In his best Benaud voice). England wrap up a convincing win in Hobart's non lit district - what'd'ya mean not convincing - 5 required off the last over - Freddie snaps it off the last ball - tantalising, titillating and at last some cricket worth watching!

No, not because it was England's first tour win, first win since November 23^rd, first win in 10 weeks and 11 matches, but because there was a match, a decent contest, and not a case of bacon v. tofu soup!

That's right - bacon, mmm...am now severely side-tracked.

mmm bacon

Come on man, get back to it, pull yourself together...ok...Australia go into Friday's game in Brisbane against England safe in the knowledge that they have whipped both England and New Zealand, and realistically have run themselves out of the Commonwealth Bank Series by being clear winners.

But let's not take anything for granted...N.Z have often been an ODI force, although I do think that was their 17^th defeat to Australia in 19 games! And despite England's injuries - surely with that win - surely they've turned some corner?

Duncan Fletcher was reflective on Pieterson's crack to the ribs off a McGrath blunder-buster, and said of him, "Pieterson is quite a big loss because he is our best ODI batter. You don't find players like that everyday."

Vaughany is also injured, but won't be going home with a hamstring twinge (Do you really think it is a hammy?), he says it is, he said, "I've not had a hamstring problem before and it is new to me in that I don't know how it will react overnight and what it will be like getting on a plane." - He'll find out as soon as he sits on the lav.

But yes, despite their losses - England have performed - Anderson put them in the right places with more consistency, and Freddie played like Freddie - as he said, "All I've wanted to do for a while is finish a game, be there at the end and knock the runs off."

Billy Idol

As for the notion of a return of form to Fred because of more freedom from not being captain I'm not sure. He'll skipper the side again come Friday, and as he looks back on the winter with thoughts of, ‘5-0', ‘tough', ‘learn things', and ‘pros and cons of being captain' he had this to say, "The one thing I am going to do is enjoy these one-day games. I've had a tough winter and I'm determined to enjoy what remains of it."

You gotta love Freddie and not the kind of twanks like Harmy and the Saj, who've done nothing but play crap and moan non-stop. Apparently Saj wants to go home now because he's sick of being an on-looker - he thinks he's not and hasn't played enough - he bowled 51 overs in 3 Tests - what more does he want? See ya, to those two I reckon. We won't be seeing them sipping a few Red Stripes with the Windies in the summer.

Anyway back to the now, where was I? Oh yes, young 21 year old buck Ravi Bopara is coming into England's side on Friday, and by accounts he can bat a bit. On the other glove, Duncan Fletcher's got a reason why England don't make as many sixes as Australia, he said, "In England, the batsmen play on seaming wickets and tend to go pretty hard at the ball. But to generate bat speed, you need to use your wrists." - uck, gobshite, just hit the fucker.

Just hit the fucker

Ok, what else is happening in the world of stump and ball? The Aussies are keen for a 6 Test Ashes series in 2010/11, and I think this week have put in their formal request.

available in 2010

Herschelle Gibbs got himself a 2 Test ban for getting caught on the stump mike saying, ‘bunch of bloody animals'. He was referring to a Pakistani section of the crowd that had been giving heaps to the South Africans in their first test at Centurion Park. Skipper Smith isn't happy with the decision and has said so, but then he's always bitching about something or other - wasn't it nice during apartheid!

And Hair, not the musical but Darryl is back on the job. Obviously didn't get the $500,000 pay-off. He'll be umpiring a Kenya v. Scotland match in Mombassa, as part of a triangular series involving Canada too. Is Scotland in the World Cup?

Puss in boobs

Other sports:

Ricky Hatton fights Juan Urango in Vegas on Saturday night in a bid to regain the IBF world light-welterweight. Lennox Lewis, who's been there a few times said, "Vegas is unique. It is the Mecca for boxing and there are also many Americans who will really welcome the Ricky Hatton style. He is in your face, there is no-one who can change his style now and why would they want to?" - Exactly. He is a boxer to watch and watch.

Chinese-man Ding Junhui 19 just became the youngest snooker player to crack the 147 break. He did it in the SAGA Insurance masters in London's Wembley Arena. For that he'll get £25k for the 147 and providing no-one matches it, £10k for the top score. All in crisp cocaine filled notes.

Martin Adams 50 alias ‘Wolfie' has just won the BDO darts Champs. He said, "If the cricketers get a ticker-tape parade through Trafalgar Square for winning the Ashes, maybe I'll get an open topped tractor ride across East Anglia." - Maybe you will Wolfie, maybe you will?

Juan Pablo Montoya is not happy with 7 time world F1 champ Michael Schumacher, after the Schu barracked NASCAR racing by saying, "What do you do in NASCAR? Running around ovals, what's exciting there?" JPM replied, "Schumacher is a nobody in America. If you took him to Holmstead in Florida and told him to stay half a second off the pace, he'd have a heart attack." - Yes, and ironically Borat is huge in America too.

Miss Celtic

Beckham's gone to Galaxy chocolate football club in L.A. for a £128m deal over 5 years. No doubt all the other retirees will follow; Zidane, Figo, Ronaldo, Pele, Best, Peters, Devonshire, Platini, Bonds, Moore, Brooking and Saint and Greavsie.

Miss Rangers

Sly, in the meantime was in the UK this week promoting Rocky Balboa, and said of the Becks, "I might put him in Rambo 4." - ‘No, not the face, not the face.'

Rambo

And lastly and loosely on sport, Roman (from Russia not Rome) Abromovich is going to by a new boat. It'll be his 5^th yacht and will cost a mere £200m. The ‘Eclipse' will be 550ft long, will have 2 helicopter pads, a mini escape submarine, 3 launches, a cinema and needs to manned by at least 50 crew. - Top fun having the sub, and I don't reckon the crew are men.

Ok, some quickie quirps:

Elvis' quiff is the most iconic hairstyle ever. He was born blonde you know? Marilyn Monroe was second and Audrey Hepburn third, Diana fourth and Bob Marley 5^th - jamming Bob.

Helen Mirren, sorry, Dame Helen Mirren got a Golden Globe for being the Queen, Surely a Queen outranks a Dame. Sacha Baron Cohen got a Golden watch-ya-ma-call-it for being Kazachstanian. And Daniel Craig is likely to pick up an Oscar next month. A London, Coral bookie said, "We've had to slash Daniels odds after we took so much money."

Helen did you trumpet?

The fish n chip shop capital of the UK is in Lancashire with 1,200 shops, one for every 914 folk. They serve up 17m portions a year. But the original fish n chip shop goes to Cornish-man Joseph Malin and his family who opened up the first chippy in Bow, East London in 1860. - Well done Joe.

cod n chips to takeaway please

Hunger stopping chewing gum is coming folks. It's got pancreatic peptide (PP) in it, a natural hormone that tells you you are full! Boff Steve Bloom from Imperial College London said, "PP can be given by injection, but we are looking at other means, such as gum or a patch." - No more patches please, we'll soon turn into one big plaster.

down patch

Recent revealed secrets have...revealed that France wanted to become a Union with Britain in 1956.They wanted to join the Commonwealth and had no qualms of falling under the leadership of Liz II herself...or is it Helen? Britain said no and a year later France signed the Treaty of Rome with Germany. What any of that means I haven't got a clue.

A Bulgarian beer called Boza Ale has yeast fermented wheatflour, which makes women's breasts bigger...apparently.

Boza please

A man left his entire estate to 70 strangers whose names he found in the phone book. Luis da Camara 42 from Lisbon, Portugal, made a will when he was 22, and seen as he had no friends or family left 70 lucky people £6k each. 76 year old Helena Suares said, "At first I thought it was a joke but I need the money and I am very grateful." - You deserve it Helena...are you a Dame?

Helena?

And lastly; a life size statue of a scantily clad prostitute has gone up in Amsterdam's red light district in honour of prostitute's world wide. Bless their cottons.