Crazy Fool's Newsround - 12-18th April V.230

12-18th April V.230
April, 19th 2007 05:01 AM

productions presents...

The scene: It's 1934. Quarter after siesta. An hour and a half north of Madrid in a small mountainous town called La Granja. Hemmingway, fool and Don Quixote are holed up and are taking a coffee break from firing pot shots at General Franco who is 50m's down the valley.

Hem: Damn fine coffee fool.

fool: Thank you Yank. It's all in the blend of the beans you know (he shakes his hand in demonstration - just then a bullet whizzes past Don's head...)

Don: Faffangulla una bastardo (He says in Italian!) Gee-ah de whiz, - I muuusst get oughta dis place - a windmill, a windmill, a windmill for my donkey. (The donkey ee-aw', grunts, ‘Ungrateful bastard', he nays then kicks and bolts - Don holds his hands out in front of him, palms up in bemusement and turns to the group...) Why dey fucking-de shooting all-a de time. We're trying to-a drink-y-de coffee here. Franco - you pig-dog, (he shouts down the hill), - Give break eh, si, si, eh we try to drink de coffee...mmm-a, it's a grrreat-a coffee too - you like to drink Meeester Yank? (He asks turning to Hemmingway)

Hem: I drank for happiness and became unhappy. I drank for joy and became miserable. I drank for sociability and became argumentative. I drank for sophistication and became obnoxious. I drank for friendship and made enemies. I drank for sleep and woke up tired. I drank for strength and became weak. I drank for relaxation and got the shakes. I drank for courage and became afraid. I drank for confidence and became doubtful. I drank to make conversation easier and slurred my speech. I drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.

(fool and Don listen intently, turn to look at each other in wonder then in unison announce, ‘What a tosser!'. Just then another bullet whizzes past, and another, and another, and finally Hemmingway's cup is shot from out of his hand.)

fool: (Turning to Franco's men shouts,). Pah, to you, you fascist camel flea infested instant Nescafe-ers - It is better to have been a has bean than a never was!

Good God, the weakness of it all, the infirmity, the delicacy - The cravenness, the want, the desire. The sickliness, the predilection, the pusillanimity, the indecision, the cowardliness, the enthusiasm, the flaw, the untangled yet barbed penchant for smoothness - if you love...set it free!

I'll leave that rather long-winded brew of nonsense and go straight onto this brew of, ‘hmmm, that's a toughie...can you repeat the question again?'

1. In ‘Born Free', what was the animal and its name?

2. What was the first book in English to be printed in English?

3. What colour was Moby Dick?

4. Which large bird is sacred in Peru?

5. What was Spain's General Franco's first name?

6. What is the capital of Catalonia?

7. What is a gallivat?

8. Name the three top ten hits for the Beach Boys that contained a first name in the title of the song.

All answers...and more...are, naturally, in the *Comps & Results page of http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ - don't be shy now.

In the WHO AM I? We're up to Clue No4 - some of you may think you had it, but no -

WHO AM I? - ‘I'm the No.1 shovel!'

Is it me?

Ok, let's take this opportunity to make a big a welcome for the stars of the show...you've seen them all over these pages, but here they are again, let's give it up for...

PACHARAN Tapas & Bodega - bodega, bodega - ooh baby when you dance like that - what's it got? - It's got the lot.

GTM - It probably is the finest garden & leisure furniture in the world.

Bootlace Holidays - Go on, treat yourself - you deserve it - clickey-de-link.

But, my little salt n pepper pots, what's in the cfn shop this week: I'll tell ya; there's our regulars: *Digger, with his AFL news. *Trigger with, what is nothing short of a double your money try to get rich scheme. *TiV's ‘7 years ago' is running its much acclaimed course, and lo, there'll be a new *TiV2 coming next week.

There's some belters in *Tit-bits. And have you scoured the *Classifieds up the top yet?

*Poetry corner, *Top 100, *About the author - jeez, I could go on all day - *Rugby in Nam - yeah that's a goodun - got all the latest tournament info in there...

...and what's this - *Fishman has cometh? - Go on, go on, get there before those bastard *Bongo Massif Bro's do!

But now it's time for...dum, de dum de dum, let's flick a coin...ok, it's rugglesby:

And if this isn't the busiest end of the season on record, then the fool isn't comprised of idioms and dope!

The S14's are at the closing stages, The Heineken Cup is gearing for a semi-finals weekend. The EDF was a thriller, and even in Nam, the prestigious Saigon RFC Touch Tournament was held. Now the country is bracing itself for the climactic event of events - The Indochine Cup! - Hold on to your hats - look under the Rugby in Nam icon on the menu on the left.

April's too busy - they should move April to November or something, maybe just make it longer, spread it out a bit - a bit of April in September, some in May- ‘riding high in April, shot down in May...that's life' - but that's another story, read it soon in Durban's Bread! - You're rambling fool - get on with it...

move April

Ok, let's kick off with the EDF Cup final, which was hailed as one of the best finals ever seen at Twickenham, last weekend. Leicester managed to hold a 2^nd half resurgence from the Ospreys and came out winners 41-35.
Ospreys half back and ex A.B. held his hand up for a flurry of personal mistakes, which undoubtedly let in two tries in the first half and said, "We weren't in the game in the first half. We made too many mistakes and some were most definitely mine." - Idiot.
And Shane Williams held a candle to the crowd when he said, "Anyone who saw that game will remember it for ages, but that's not much consolation for our supporters." - Always a crowd pleaser is our Shane.
Let's move to the Heineken Cup where a huge who-ha is going on between the RFU's IRB and the top English and French Clubs, which fundamentally is about money, but a bit more too.
But leaving that aside for the minute; Leicester take on the Scarletts in one semi of the H.C. this weekend, in which is being billed the best pack v the best backs of the tournament so far - I must say, the rack of Internationals in the reds backline are worth watching, but the fool's money is on a Tiger - by a tail!
In the other semi London Wasps entertain the much troubled Guinness Premier Northampton Saints, and Dally, who's aging around the 47 mark now reflects on his namby-pamby talk of retiring, "I talked a bit about considering retiring if certain things didn't happen for me, but I must have climbed out of bed the wrong side or just felt a bit uncertain about my future." - That's right love, keep taking the pills!
It will be a Leicester v Wasps final! - Trust the fool - he's a Dr. in it.
But the who-ha in the H.C is; - legend, 60 Bastos a day, Serge Blanco quite frankly aint happy. Blanco is the boss of Ligue Nationale de Rugby (LNR) - he is having a furious ding-dong with the IRB spud, Syd Miller.

60 a day

The basic equation is that the French and English Clubs have to fight/play for their H.C berths, whereas every other nations top flight teams are entered automatically - therefore shareholdings and seedings are paramount to the millions of £'s in revenue given to H.C qualifiers.
Syd recently slammed the French and English Clubs for being greedy and wanting more money - boy, did this get on up, in and out Blanco's goat, nose and wick! In a beautifully written letter to Syd, Blanco concluded, ‘Put your peacekeepers clothes back on, stop condemning and take in hand the problems and the un-discussed issues which are currently eating away at our sport.' - I'll post the full letter under the sports icon - err, when I put in the sports icon...didn't realise I'd removed it!
I'll leave this dilemma with the young fella Dally's fine words, "its ludicrous so many English players don't get to play in the H.C. Johnny Wilkinson's only played in it once. How crazy is that." - He knows me, he knows me.
Ok, moving on - a slice of S14's: And just a wee one, cos it's all I've got; The Crusaders have pretty much got the squeeze on the comp so far, along with The Blues and snuggling up behind them are The Sharks - sneaky bastards are sharks!
But lo, The Sharks pulled off a good win against The Blues last week, which prompted The Stormers coach, Kobus van der Merwe to gaze confusingly into the comps crystal ball. He concluded it to be, ‘strange and unpredictable.'
On their coming match v The Blues in Cape Town on Saturday, he couldn't say what might happen, he in fact said, "We went out and beat The Hurricanes convincingly; The Hurricanes then dominated The Bulls and then The Bulls managed to completely dominate us." - ‘Riding high in April - shot down in May.'
Ok, some snippets: Brendan Cannon has retired after Docs told him his back was fucked. The 34 year old, 42 Test Wallaby said, "Of course, I will miss the camaraderie and the mateship. I will miss the thrill of the game day and the singing of the anthem before representing my country." - Just what is the anthem - is it something surrounded by salt water girt or hobo-ing around the bush avoiding plod with a bag o swag?
The Argies and a Specific Islands squad are pretty much secure to join the SANZAR 2008 Tri Nations, effectively renaming it to - ooh now, what would be a good name?
And lastly, in the European Nations Cup Sweden beat Serbia 30-12 and in Pool 2 of the European Women's Championships Norway beat Finland 12-12!
The things you learn eh.
But now it's time for Flicket:
And the Super 8's are now superferlous, they are no more, they are but deceased rubber. And bar the fool's tip of the Windies making the last 4 there are no real surprises, not even if you thought The Black Caps would be a surprise - they're not, they never were going to be - get it? - Good. - Ok, no-one was expecting the sub-incontinent to bail so early!
But bar the odd drunken escapade, which incidentally the ‘Is-its' recently tried to copy, and did it with no past-master style nay panache - by the way, a school in Chichester, West Sussex is teaching its pupils the Freddie Law, which is how not to drink!
But where was I? - Argh yes, bar the odd drinking binge, the murder here and there and the world's awakening of potential Irish cricket, let alone a resurgence of Bangle-fan-dangle, there has been no real shock in this World Cup - right?
The only shock the fool saw was a pretty darn good English side snatch and plunder to defeat from what should've been a consummate victorious jaw, more often than. Well...any English cricket team.
Bob Willis wants heads, he says, Vaughan, Fletcher and chief selector Dave Graveney should all go, and planning for a new team starts now; Bob's manifesto; "They should get out their birth certificates and anyone who is 32 or over now, are out of it." - Will he go by school year do you think? And is it different in Africa as it is Asia, because when you're 0 you're 1, because Darlymple was born in Kenya, Strauss, well could be any of the Velts, and...
Beefy's of the same opinion, and stresses the ‘fans are not idiots' and reiterated Bob's words, "I hope the ECB are looking at change and not sitting on their hands." - ‘Tea Dave?' ‘Err, yeah mate, just put it down there, cheers...got a straw...a long one?'
Basically, ‘Norman Stanley' Fletcher is giving himself 72 hours to get out of Dodge after England's 9wkt mis-hit in the ‘quarters' against the ‘Is-its'.
Following him closely to the dole que will be Vaughan, to which Graeme Smith questioned the time left in his Test captaincy role, let alone the ODI position. He looked back on Nasser's day; "When Nasser took over the one-day team, Nasser admitted the momentum against him had been almost unstoppable." - fool banks he'll stay!
The philosophy of one-day cricket according to the Schofield report states; "It is no coincidence, for example, the four semi-finalists in the World Cup are very aggressive at the start of the innings." - Way to go Bell and Vaughan!
Given that, the Aus v N.Z. game on Fri in the S8's should be blood and guts everywhere - as Punts says; "They love a fight, they love a scrap. They are a pretty proud team, and I've got a lot of respect for them." - I must admit, I've never really understood all the fighting talk in a non-contact sport!
Either way, Shane Bond is the Caps danger man according to the Punts. With 43 ODI wickets against Australia at an average 13.88 in 11 matches; Punts says, "He's one of those guys you have to pay the utmost attention to." - Where a moustache and glasses Shane.
Best shot of the tournament so far is still Paul Nixon's reverse sweep to hit Murali for 6.
Anything else I have in my cricket notes can be recycled, for now it is time for:
Other sports:

Sod the others, Lewis has done it again. The whipper snapper is level peggins on top with Al the Deigo and Kimi Fuckinhellthefinn on 22 points.
Brazil nuts Felipe ‘Doesn't' Massa may have snagged the chequered flag but Lewis snuck home for 2^nd, again, to become the first person to land three podium finishes in their first three races in the F1's 58 year history - as his team said over the radio in Bahrain, "Leading the championship. Not bad for a rookie." - ‘Not bad, not bad, it's fucking excellent...is it cos I'm black...'

safety first Lewis

Lewis goes to Spain full of brim and gutso, he said, "I know I'm getting close to it. Hopefully it will happen in Spain. There is no reason why not."
Team chief Ron Davis explains why he's got a champ on his hands; "Look at what he says, how he says it, how he conducts himself. It says it all and it doesn't need me to put superlatives on it." - Nuff said, say no more, not a word, zerrrr-ip...
Another speedster last weekend was England's Grand National winner Silver Birch - at 33-1 the Asian cricket mafia must be kicking their heels!

At the races

Also kicking himself is self made giant Nikolai Valuev, you know, the 7ft 2inch Russian monster. He lost his WBA heavyweight crown to fellow Rusky, who's a foot shorter - Ruslan Chagaev, on points. Valuev reflected, "I should have kept boxing at range." - Would be a good tactic.

Meanwhile undisputed Super-middleweight Welshman, 35 year-old Joe Calzaghe has been told he'll have to double his money if he wants to fight middleweight Jermain Taylor. £1.2m is on the table at the moment, Jermain says, "If Joe and Frank (Warren, manager) want me that much, make me an offer for £5m and I will show up and bring a gift to his door." - Ooh, that's very nice - what do you think, a Cadbury's chocolate orange perhaps, maybe some driving gloves or even an iPod? - Who knows!

Joe and Frank

Time to see what's-a-been going on around the world:
Madge has gone back to Malawi to buy another kid, and is this time contemplating buy the whole factory, seen as the orphanage's founder Rev Thompson Chipeta (Italian?) is getting on a bit. When Guy said, "here's my credit card, go and buy yourself a little black number', he didn't think it would get so quite out of hand!

Sir Bob's hot on her heels for Saint-hood though, and is about to release his new book the Dictionary of Man - a ‘trace of every society'. He calls it the A-Z of humanity. Others have called it The Encyclopaedia Britannica, he even said, "It will be like the Encyclopaedia Britannica." Doomesday was the first of its kind back in 1086, the first census on England - so this is just a sequel. But, as Dickens said, "Can you eat books?"

What the dickins

Here's something that nearly brought a tear to the fool's eye; bacon, ham and sausages can double the risk of lung damage. Cured meats affect us the same as smoking - I suppose that goes for smoked salmon, haddock, smokey bacon frazzles etc. The preserved nitrites cause chronic obstruction pulmonary disorder, and for over 40 year-olds could rear up emphysisis and chronic bronchitis - chronic is a great word eh!

I have bacon for breakfast

Not only that, there IS a fat gene. Brit boffs have found that one faulty copy of the gene can cause you to be 30% fatter - two faulty copies and it's 70% lardier. Prof Graham Hillman said, "This research confirms that while improving lifestyle is still the key to reducing obesity some will find it harder to lose weight than others." - Arse!

Danny Lard Devito gets the gals

One way to lose weight is to do it the Chang Po-Yu's way and get your left arm bitten off by a croc whilst retrieving a tranquiliser from its pen in Shaoshan Zoo Kaoshiung, South Taiwan. - Way to go Chang, works every time.

If that sounds too drastic, why not have that bullet removed from your heart, which you had popped in just 40 years ago. That's what surgeons did to a Viet vet in Hanoi recently. I knew someone like that in Uganda, he was called Bullet Bob, said he had a lot of trouble at airports.

Talking of Vietnam; Fat, pot-bellied traffic policemen in southern Vietnam must stay off work for six months and lose weight, a provincial police chief said. "Recently, the fat and pot-bellied people have contributed to worsening the image of the traffic police," the head of the Dong Nai provincial police department was quoted as saying. The state-run Lao Dong newspaper said the big chief had told his staff that traffic police officers must be well-built to be dynamic. The department would give overweight policemen six months to rebuild their physique, he said." - Keep your eye out for any pot-bellied peach boys, and if you see one give them an on the spot fine.....

fat or just pretending?

Also cops in Ahmadabad, India are to get lightweight and scented uniforms - tangy lemon and soothing rose flavours - as they stink! A spokesman said, "We think that by the end of the year, you will notice a new fresh look, when you are intercepted by one of our men." - First they give them sirens - now you can smell them coming!

Talking of smelling; Malaysian DVD pirates have put a bounty on two black lab sniffer dogs who recently unfolded their $3m hoist of booty pirate games and films. The dogs are trained to sit down when they smell plastic. - Could never work in California, you'd have to carry the dog everywhere - ‘just popping out to carry the dog darling' ‘Ok love, see you soon.'

quarterly quota

Ok, a heap of facts from Brit T.V's Channel 4's The Human Footprint - This is for each person, by the year of what we consume or do: 16000 pints of milk. 4,283 loaves of bread. 2,327 spuds. 845 tins of beans. 4.5 cows. 1,201 chickens. 10,354 bars of chocolate. 5,272 apples. 10,351 pints of beer. 1,694 bottles of wine. 104,390 dreams. 7,163 baths. Opens 628 Christmas presents. Makes 1,700 friends. Buys £330,222 of new clothes. Has sex 4,239 times. 59 trips abroad. Reads 2,455 newspapers. Uses 4,239 rolls of loo paper. 276 tubes of toothpaste. 198 bottles shampoo. Blinks 415million times. Speaks 123,205,750 words at an average of 4,200 words a day. Farts 35,815 litres of air and vomits 149 litres.

quarterly quota

Nick Watts who thought of the idea whilst pondering on the amount of beers he's drunk, and if it would fill a swimming pool said, "I'm fascinated by statistics, but I wanted to give them a physical form - then they become truly poignant. It allows us time to reflect what being alive is really about." - Yeah, a lot of hot air! - P.s. it did fill the pool.

Ok, lastly, When chief vet at Ghiang Mai Zoo in Northern Thailand played porn for five days on T.V. to Panda Chuang Chuang to try to get him in the mood, to try to get him to mate with partner Lin Hui - it didn't work - but any excuse eh!

It's never too late...
Just cf it
cf

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