Crazy Fool's Newsround - 11th - 17th Sept 09 Volume 346

11th - 17th Sept 09 Volume 346
September, 17th 2009 18:54 PM

“Strolling along minding my own business

There goes a girl and a half

She’s got me going up and down

Walking on the beaches looking at the peaches”

(Stranglers)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: On fool’s cookery show…

fool: In a packed show today we show you how the Chinese cook sweet potato, as the country’s eating habits steer away from the more traditional staple diets, which quite frankly would be a tough one to swallow.

Narrator: Is that it? Is that all you’ve got – one measly, crap joke and nothing on Keith or Patrick? Rubbish. Here’s the quiz

1. In which country are the traditional SDI Corporation No.10 (1200 series) Staples Agrafes Grapas made?

2. Duplo is younger version of which favourite toy?

3. What is the name of Mrs Addams in “The Addams Family”?

4. What is a large gathering of Boy Scouts called?

5. What colour car does the Pink Panther drive in his cartoon?

6. What shape is a tambourine?

7. What’s the difference between the highest single dart treble and the lowest single dart treble?

8. Who is the first character Dorothy meets on the road to Oz? A) The Tin Man B) The Cowardly Lion C) The Scarecrow

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – You’re rubbish… yes you! Let’s have another go… Clue No.1, “Generally a smug looking bastard, but I got the chicks.” Clue No.2: “Just a blue rinse for me.”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 35 or 36 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

“Sort of” is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of. It doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, “sort of” means everything: like after “I love you”, or “You’re going to live”, or “It’s a boy”.

Demetri Martin

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME BALLET TERMS

CAMBRE . a bend from the waist

CHANGEMENT . a jump where the position of the feet is changed

ENCHAINMENT . a series of steps linked together in a sequence

ENTRECHAT . a jump where the legs criss-cross in the air

fool’s Gold

Da Vinci wrote backwards to stop smudges

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave

Croatia has more than 1000 islands

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Claustrophobia- n. an intense fear of small, confined spaces. In German it translates as Klaustrophobia and Dr. Phil wonders if it was named after Santa himself. After all a fat fella trying to get down those narrow chimney flutes would get a bit nervous after time

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Being squeezed into an aeroplane: I recently hitched a flight (to exotica if you’re really interested) and was among the littlest people in the world, jammed nuts deep into the olde aluminium tube, where I’m sure the lady at the check in desk was taking the piss, because on our flight not one person was over 5ft 2in and weighed no more than 10st or 53 kg’s or 20lb or whatever fucking old money it is. Anyway point being it was a little plane for little people…till I got on… then a huge Thai fella got on and sat next to me by the window… two minutes later an even huge-er Korean straddled my side in the coveted aisle seat – I shit you not; an Argentinean rugby front row would have looked twice. After flying in an arc for a few miles the pilot figured out the counter balance and off we trotted, merrily on our way to exotica. I got bored with my book and started to peruse the Korean’s rack of papers, of which he seemed to be studying, but it was in Korean so I gave up…or was it! It had the squiggles and characteristics of gibberish, but then something strange caught my eye; spying the top of the page it read; The collective risk molecules in a compound for an extended term – this dude had ream after ream of mathematical gobbledegook, i.e.…r²«°\\\\=#$ {-2v}``` - I honestly believe that kind of language is not necessary and frankly, means nothing. I know a few mathematicians and they simply do not live in our world! Anyhow, I digress – being squeezed onto an aeroplane – Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

To relieve the pressure of being squeezed into a tin can, I find the best way is to look around and find fault in someone else; in this case there was the loud ginger American lady who kept hassling the trolley-dolly for some dried fruit, the trolley-dolly I hasten to add had a very nice bottom, but this has nothing to do with our focus, because I couldn’t find fault in it, I could only drool, so back to the afflicted; after imagining punching ten shades of shit out of the annoying ginger I turned my thoughts to what was presumably her grey haired mother and noticed a good old fashioned bun in her hair, tied up with at least 7 pins, at least what I could make out from my vice-like wedged periphery. But that wasn’t the sweet love, oh no, the sweet love was a Sikh fella who just walked on the plane with the essential brown pin-stripped trousers, diamond patterned tank-top, cravat and wrinkled blue jacket, topped with a chirpy smile, a big fat grey beard and the mandatory turban, which I’m led to believe are around 30ft long when unravelled – matter not, for on top he wore a trilby hat and he looked great. A hat on top of a hat – don’t leave home without them.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; back an preliminary

*Trigger: Punting o' plenty

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Adam and Valerie

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Proof that men…/…It…/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Anyone selling a rowing machine? – Come on, I know you’ve got one!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…are just about ready …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko & Phatty’s

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

I’ll need a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

(See categories for The New Rugby extra Bit)

Published 17.9.09

Freedom Cup – my arse!

In the mess tent deliberating over a sherry and pork pie, reflections grouped around South Africa’s Tri Nations triumph as they guided a well earned victory over the Kiwis 32-29 in Hamilton; and it was them to whom I declared a beautiful hatred for.

Not, I hasten to add a beautiful hatred for the Tri Nations but the Boks themselves, ever since that Durban surfer on his horse in the film Zulu riled at John Chard, ‘Look at my men, they’ve had enough, we’re going back to our farms.” – You bastard. You’re ok to fight them till your rivers run with blood, but give someone else a helping hand, well, you can forget it; vroom, they’re off to live for another day!

They’ve been that way ever since, raping the cultures of others and pleasing themselves as they see fit. Yet in this totalaristic hedonism lies not only the arrogance which can only be found in the psyche of certain Boys From Brazil, but also the humble proprietor of achievement through sheer determination entwined in a kinsfolk hell bent on winning…at all costs.

When you’ve got the arsenal of a Francois Steyn cannon at your disposal, why not use it. He thumped three first half penalties from his own half and add a Morning drop goal it becomes hard to keep throwing fodder because the slightest ping could result in three points.

The MB’s defence is a game in itself. That coupled with ariel bombardment, and the chasers more eager than maggots on gangrenous limb, and you have side so in tune with its plans that their mental toughness is as hard to crack as their physicality.

It was one of those gangrenous limbs that dropped a high ball, just a sniff enough for Bakkies to reap the benefits and finish the hounding with a try by a sniping Fourie du Preez from the side of a ruck. The Siv tried to run it back a couple of minutes later but was savaged by a green mass… of maggots! Smit’s tackle on Brad Thorn was particularly worth a repeat.

No fear, the Boks are happy to play risky too and Jean de Villiers proved so by snatching an intercept ball to race for a 50m try. The Blacks are also happy to take their chances, but perhaps didn’t just quite have that ‘luck’ or the footie God; “Spawny” on their side, as “he” was decreed in the mess tent last night.

Isaia Toeva subbed for Donald, who to be honest is still a work in progress in Test rugby and will probably sit for Carter for the rest of his career. But back to Toeva, and he took an off load from Nonu to feed The Siv for a claw back try. As the Boks stayed relaxed Morning slotted another three pointer. But to give the game some edge in the dying minutes Carter crossed a kick for McCaw to collect and score out wide, he got the conversion too – not a bad effort in 20 seconds flat.

Carter tried the same move again minutes later, which may have been audacious but probably a good option, except it was one yard too far for Kieran Reid, and so the three point deficit stayed.

Both McCaw and Eyebrows were quick to point out the discrepancies of a slow start, and McCaw’s point of, “It could have gone either way” was perhaps a touch unrealistic. Having said that it was a fine finish from the men in black.

Smit enjoyed the battle, his teams first Tri Nations since 2004 and his first ever win in ‘Is-it-land”, he said of the game, “It was epic, we said at half time the All Blacks are always an 80 minute team and they didn’t let us down.”

Next week may be a dead rubber between New Zealand and Australia, but they’ve both got it all to play for really, don’t they! Risky Red hopes Australia will win. fool’s not so sure they will, but fuck it, why not, let’s back ‘em in Kiwi-land - New Zealand 18 – 26 Australia.

You can catch Risky Red on the radio show – why not put him while you go and make yourself a cup of tea!

Guinness Premiership

Willie Walker notched 17 points for Worcester to oust Leeds 27-7. / Jeremy Staunton on the other hand managed only 15 as Leicester straddled past Quins 15-9. / What about Ryan Lamb? Well, he amassed a healthy 20, against his old club Gloucester, as London Irish thumped the tipped favourites 40-10. There were also 6 yellows in this game and three massive fights. / Bath went down to Wasps 17-15 with Varndell striking twice, again. Wasps and England prop Tim Payne was sent off in a game where Bath’s coach Meehan said had no ferocity. / Saracens knobbled Northampton 19-16 by a last gasp try in front of a crowd of 44,832 at Wembley. / And Newcastle and Sale drew 166 each.

The Top14

Bourgoin pulled off the shock of the season so far beating Perpignan 17-6. / New coaches Jacques Delmas and Didier Faugeran were happy with a Stade Francais 44-18 victory over Castres, although the game was strewn with errors. Really, who’s called Didier? / Montpellier nipped Toulon 21-20. Sgt. Wilko managed 10 points but Thierry’s 80^th minute try decided matters. / Yannick Jauzion played at fullback and Florian Frits at fly for Toulouse’s win over Albi 19-13, which was just nuts and they only clinched it when Michelak came on as fly to get things back to normal. And Byron Kelleher was still punch-drunk after his Thursday night brawl. / Montauban went down three tries to one over Brive but won 23-20. / Biarritz beat Bayonne 12-6 in a game that had plenty of beef but no gravy. / And Racing Club Metro 92 couldn’t hold on to their lead over Clermont and finished losing 30-22.

Magners League

The Welsh Ospreys were out of sort to the Irishmen Ulster as Scotsman, with an Italian name Simon Danielli scored two tries to win 20-16. / Scotland won again in the shape of Edinburgh 62-13 Connaught. Eight tries were awarded to names like Robertson x2, Peterson, a MacDonald, a Turnball, a Grant, a Cairns and a Hogg, but no Jim Staples. / Alan Quinlan made his comeback and helped Munster’s win over a hapless Cardiff 24-13. / And the Welsh losing streak continued with Leinster snapping the Dragons 23-14.

Some shorts:

The Pumas are to join the Tri Nations in 2012, which means they’ll need to either boost their domestic league or shuffle from Europe to the Southern Hemisphere sides. Andy Marinas, the acting Managing Director of South African rugby and the CEO of SANZAR said… hang on, who cares what he said, he’s just an actor.

Bayonne have pulled out of ‘buying’ Lote Tuquiri as the 29 year old’s financial demands have gone sky high. Has anyone found out if he’s been shagging Deans’ missus yet!

And Jonah Lomu has entered the Wellington body building championships. The beef-cake has dieted from 142kg to 114 and says he doesn’t want his 7 month old son seeing him fat, “I want my son to see me as a 50 year-old with a six pack and not a beer gut.” – Same thing isn’t it! Anyway, he’s off to third division French outfit Marseille Vitroilles – perhaps if he wins the body building comp he could bail out Kelleher.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

In a week where Freddie turned down an ECB contract, which rattled the top-knobs no end, no space was granted for Harmy or Monty but new signings found their way to Prior, Swann and Onions, who, by the way said he was chuffed to bits apart from the fact that his missus has spent half the loot already – chicks eh!

It was also the week where The Bop’s foresight cemented doom on any English hopes of winning an ODI… ever! Ravi said this before the fourth game; “I want to be the main man for England. I would love to go at Lord’s on Saturday and smack the Aussies around. I still think we can pull this series out of the fire. England normally respond well when we are down.”

Australia went on to breeze past England’s 220 score and wrapped up the series with 6 balls to spare. Levi had a good hit on the ball again with a 63, but felt it necessary to give the rest of the lads the hurry-up, “As a batting unit we have got to get better, it’s as simple as that.”

Brett Lee pulled out a five-fer.

England did manage a healthier 300 at Trent Bridge but were still flogged by four wickets and ten spare balls. The Punts helped jig that along with 126. Michael Clarke was also there to see the pair make 133 off 21 overs.

Levi wasn’t jumping around pulling his hair out, but instead found time for a positive; “I’m not feeling too sprightly. Our batting was far more positive and Eoin Morgan was superb.” – He knocked a 58 off 41…and his names Eoin…what!

So just two more to go, then the Aussies can go home feeling, probably just that little bit happier than they were a couple of weeks ago. Let’s hope we see The Punts again in England, it wouldn’t be the same without him.

Freddie in the meantime is not going to be pushed around, “At this stage in my career I don’t think I want to be told when to play and when to rest.” – Do you think he is still pissed off for not being allowed to play in the fourth Test?

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

Caster Semanya is an hermaphrodite – its official, but one thing that’s got the fool thinking is Bloke Down The Pub’s declaration that Jamie Lee Curtis is one too!

Rueben’s Barrichello won the Italian F1 GP and said, “It feels great. On the chequered flag at the end I had no words.” – Nothing to report there then.

Oscar De La Hoya is backing Juan Manuel Marquez to punch Mayweather Jr’s lights out on Saturday night. After seeing him train Oscar said, “I just have this feeling that Marquez is going to pull this one off.”

Marquez, in the meantime drinks his own piss in order to replenish vital vitamins and nutrients he loses during training. He also scoffs down 25 quails eggs. – Crazy Mexican.

Floyd, no relation to Keith said, “If he opens his mouth I’ll give him some gorilla pee, sure, silver back pee. I’m going to call him Pee Pee Marquez now.” – Jeez, it’s like Beavis and Butthead.

But he has a point; “I have a big mouth and people want to shut me up, until someone can shut me up I am King.” – It’s true, he is.

These are eagles!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

A mere smidgen this week, as, erm, I’m not sure why, perhaps there was just no news or I missed it or I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head of Frank Zappa supposedly eating a handful of Captain Beefheart’s pooh after he took a dump on stage!

Yeah, exactly! Anyway, a smidgen’s better than a Wikipdiddle sized hunk of twoddle, so here goes: London School of Economics has worked out that we can lower carbon emissions by using condoms. At £4 a week of extra family planning CO2 emissions could be reduced by as much as a tonne… hang on, isn’t this just a sexed up way of addressing birth control? – Less people = less emissions. In 2050 the world’s population will be estimated at 8.64 billion and the UK Optimum Population Trust reckons we need to cut/ cull those figures to 8.1 and that my friends would be to the tune of 34 gigotonnes less CO2 – nope, I don’t understand it either, so let’s move on…

More people

The daughter of the world’s biggest bunny is the world’s biggest bunny – long live the world’s biggest bunny! Alice is 3ft 3in and is one of 32 offspring. Her mum, Amy recently died after recording the Italians equivalent of Guinness Book of Records TV show. Her brother Roberto used to be the biggest in 2006 at a whopping 3ft 6in. To bulk up the Flemish Giant munches through a bowl of dried food, one carrot, 2 apples and a cabbage a day. That’s more than Kate Moss, and she’s like a little bunny, with a little twitchy nose, always banging, a little fluffy tail…ok she’s not like a rabbit at all, but she could be, either way that’s a lot of food for one bunny.

Like to see this eat Alice

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! Marianne Faithful…Mars Bar…remind you too much of Frank? Ok we’ll leave it.

JRR Tolkein was approached by England’s top-knobs to become a spy back in 1939. Are they the same top-knobs that are frowning on Freddie’s ECB decision?

Bletchley Park sent out an invitation to him, JRR not Freddie, and 49 other super brains in the country at the time. But the language expert turned down the £500 salary – worth about £50k in today’s noodle. When I was a lad in primary school the parish priest was, reportedly a spy in WWI – I never did trust him when he always clicked his heels whenever he said Hail Mary…

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “A day without sunshine is like, night.”

Keith Floyd died this week but before he did he said “I have not felt this well in ages.” – He’d just got the all clear from bowl cancer and was out to celebrate his girlfriend’s birthday. Floyd is a hero in fool’s world and every chef in the land loved the old drunken womaniser. Anthony Worrell Thompson, who incidentally was based on an idea by JRR Tolkein, summed him up best, “He transformed food from education to entertainment.” – Have a go at his book, “Stirred But Not Shaken” and when you’re done with it, pass it on to me because I’d love to read it - ta!

Didn’t see it coming

Alright, enough rubbish, last story; You, yep, you, can soon get breast enlargements from natural fat reserves in your body. In other words, take a bit of your hip or arse and make a tit. It costs £8k -all in and chairman of the Harley Medical Group, Mel Braham says, “Within 10 years, breast enlargement, through fat relocation, will dominate the breast enlargement market.’ – That’s it, I’m getting one – just one, I don’t want to look a right tit!