Crazy Fool's Newsround - 11th - 17th November 2011 volume458

11th - 17th November 2011 volume458
November, 16th 2011 18:39 PM

“Trade is on the meat rack

Strip joints full of hunchbacks”

(Primal Scream)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

That Was the Week… What a Week! - Saturday’s 1p.m. 92.75fm and around the globe on www.radioindochine.com

Also podcasted later on fool’s very own radio: http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 17.11.11

For the men and women at Beckenham Fire Brigade, London – White Watch

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

www.saigonsoundsystem.com

A true blue

English Heritage has met stiff opposition to erecting a blue plaque on the house of an iconic stripper.

Phyllis Dixey was streaks ahead of her time when she took to the boards of London’s West End in the 1940’s. At the time only motionless images were permitted whereby Lord Chamberlain ruled, ‘If you move it’s rude.’

Now the English Heritage would like to commemorate her dwellings in Surbiton with the same status that has adorned famous homes up and down the country from Jimi Hendrix to Charles Darwin’s.

However, it is the wording that has caused the biggest problem, which reads, ‘Phyllis Dixey 1914-1964 Striptease Artiste lived here in flat No.15’

Persuading residents has so far failed, who would prefer the word ‘burlesque’, but that doesn’t sit with the English Heritage who say it is an American word. Others fear their home would be known as the ‘stripper building’.

Oliver Dixey 34, grandson of Phyllis’ brother said, ‘It has upset some of the family. To be fair she was a stripper. There are no bones about that, but we would prefer her to be called a fan dancer.’

To which Terry Lomas of The British Music Hall Society, who put forward her claim, remarked, ‘burlesque wouldn’t work and fan dancing was just one of the things she did’, adding; ‘she would love to be known as an actress, but this is too bland and she wasn’t very good.’

Perhaps it is only fitting then that the ‘queen of striptease’ as she was known, is just how she should be honoured, because it doesn’t read Jimi Hendrix the poet or Charles Darwin the primal selector.

Candid camera

Police in Derbyshire arrested 19 wanted criminals by coaxing them with the offer of free beer.

Letters were sent to the lags at large from a bogus marketing company that said they had won a free crate of beer and when a time, date and address for pick-up was confirmed undercover police were there to cuff them.

Chief Inspector Graham McLaughlin who was in charge of Operation Rocky said, ‘These suspects were people who had managed to evade arrest for some time, so we have used different tactics to find them.’

Clearly investigative procedures to follow up on their phone number would prove to be just that. I think they wanted to use Jeremy beadle, but he’s dead.

appealing to lags sensitive side

Do you deliver?

The term highway robbery has taken a twist in the Ukraine where three men aged between 32-37 have been arrested in the country’s Poltava region.

A police statement read, ‘A car with a specially reinforced hood would drive up behind a truck moving at 40-50km’s per hour.’ Then, ‘standing on the hood, one of the thieves would then open the locks with wire-cutters, get in and pass the loot over to his accomplice.’

This gang had a fleet of seven cars in operation and amazingly this was the third bust of its kind in the past few years, which almost makes you give credit to the initiative to the criminal mind which is always on the go.

(sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Dithering on the highway to extinction African poachers parled with deliberation and thought to heck with it, no doubt rich white bankers from afar will cadge the blame, but little did they know that Keith Richards might be their handy scapegoat, as when the Stones toured South Africa in ’96, Keith was greeted at Durban’s airport with a question from a pressman which anchored on a free stars quip to add to his tourist guide of the Rainbow nation; ‘What have you done since you’ve been here?’, to which he replied, ‘everything but a rhino’. And off Keith trundled onto the highway of rock n roll’s jocular city, where he was no doubt bound to thumb a lift from ACDC, as they ventured on their own journey to hell, tagging Chris Rea on the road with them, but snuggled deep in the psyche of rock’s tapestry of hair raising philandering and japes loitered a chile so foul of conformities that only a fair mind of experience could recognise the king that tramped within his shadow, and as he walked the passage of rite confined only to venture into a seasonal lifetime pass for freedom, no not that twat Mel, Mike, Mervin Gibson or whatever his name is, but the young smiley chap who often visits my garden, who endeavours to rob convention from its shackles of stick-in-the-mud-eons who say dog pooh cannot be tapered into fuel, when us and fishes no it is possible, as stated in a by-gone episode of fool’s meanderings, which has no doubt overlapped the reality of this rock n roll caper by a yard and half, suffice to say, when Jimi does take time off from powering the known universe with pragmatic solutions he sits under the shades of a banana leaf in my back garden and tells me about the Highway Chile he knew back when poodles pooh was always white, and in those intimate moments we find a combined solace on the road to nowhere that will always lead home and wryly smile to the tramps that cavort our planet in search of happiness; Jimi, this week’s Get It Off Your Chest Request is yours and to all the hair that’s just a blowin in the breeze……

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website and radio!)

What they’ve recently said: Raquel: ‘Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people. I’m happy with you! – Only Fool’s and Horses

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

www.highstylecondominium.com

fool’s gold; now available on his radio show - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php and 92.75fm - www.radioindochine.com

Animal news

*Jim Sautner keeps a buffalo as a pet. The Canadian calls the 6ft tall and 8ft long beast Bailey Junior and he and his wife Linda bottle fed him when he was orphaned as a calf. They even let the 1,820lb mammoth type-hairy-thing share their home in Spruce Grove, Alberta. Not so for Marius Els who had a pet hippo called Humphrey whom he referred to as his ‘son’, and similarly looked after him since he was a calf, but then it ate him and left him by his home on the Vaal River in South Africa’s north west province.

*Chinese college lecturer An Yanshi has collected 5 tons of panda pooh in a bid to make the world’s most expensive tea, which he prices at £50,000 per kilo. ‘Pandas have a very poor digestive system’, he says, ‘and only absorbs about 30% of everything they eat. That means their excrement is rich in fibres and nutrients. It has a mature and nutty taste and a very distinctive aroma while it’s brewing.’ – Sounds great. Civic cats brew the most expensive coffee by partially digesting beans they eat, and costs £100 per pound.

*Goatee the goat surfer, surfs – it’s a goat that surfs in California, but doesn’t quite catch the 90ft wave that Gareth McNamar did off the coast of Praia do Norte in Portugal this week – that’s big… the biggest in the world in fact.

*And, creepy crawlies to have taken up residence in the UK of late by making their way back in suitcases due to more people travelling to far flung places are; redbacks; deadly, the German Cockroach; stinky and hard to kill, the Pharaoh Ant; loves hospitals and feeds on wounds, the Stinky Ant, which smells of rotten coconuts, and the Crazy Ant that leaves a zig-zag mark after they bite the be-Jesus out of you.

*To find out more of fool’s animal news, catch his radio show this Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm (Phuket) and around the world on www.radioindochine.com – podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk (http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php)

Number crunching

*45 year-old Mathew Wright from Essex has converted a 1970’s Rolls Royce to cover 0-60 in 1,5seconds… no way, bollocks. But true, with it’s zooped up 2,300hp engine it can trundle to 175mph in 8 seconds and with a little tweaking he reckons he’ll get too 200mph in under 7.

*Dead Cert Man came back from a quiet spell after betting £1.8m on favourites with 26 consecutive wins on the trot to slap £30k on Manny Pacquiao to beat Jorge Manuel Marquez, which he only did just about – the people’s verdict is still out on that one, and in ultimate fighting; Cain Velasquez to topple Junior Dos Santos… which he didn’t. Dead Cert Man seems to be losing his tag

*Harry Hardy is still reffing football games at 85 in the Long Eaton Sunday League. He keeps trim by cycling daily to loosen himself up. On the pitch he says, ‘When they ask, ‘what was that for ref?’, I say, ‘I ain’t got time to tell you kid’.

*Adam Lee smashed the world record for a balloon sculpture using 3,000 to twist into shape a giant spider for the Great Wolf Lodge in Washington. He spent 6x 10 hour days twisting the 14x7m arachnid and he’s an acrophobic!

*New diet scheme Healthywage in California will give you back $200 if you buy in for $100 and lose 10% of your body weight in 6 months.

*Scotsman Brendan Wallace 19 is the Rubik’s Cube speed champ – 8.13seconds.

*Most expensive bath – £1m – cleaned up in Dubai’s Jewellery Festival. It’s made from the precious gemstone Caijon, which comes from Indonesia and sought after for its healing powers after it’s been getting earthy for 100million years.

*And lastly, a deep voice portrays leadership. Words banded about by Cara Tigue from McMaster University in Canada were ‘dominant’ and ‘authority’. Using James Earl Jones (Darth Vader) as her case study she reflected on what sways the voters mind in election time, noting; ‘One of the implications of our research is that voters may take into account when making voting decisions.’ Concluding all the eight US Presidents from 1960-2000 had deeper voices than other candidates.

More numbers to crunch, cheese to discuss and fool’s gold, tales from the dark side and lots, lots more on; fool’s radio show – That Was the Week… What a Week - Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm Phuket radio and worldwide on www.radioindochine.com Saturday’s 1p.m. straight after Big Dan’s Sports Centre show. (Podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php) – download it as an MP3 and climb up on the roof to get away from it all.

I’m off – come on Brutus

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

Just cf it