Crazy Fool's Newsround - 11th - 17th May '07' Volume 233

11th - 17th May '07' Volume 233
May, 17th 2007 05:05 AM

Productions presents

The scene: Its 1965. Martin Burger King is on a recruitment drive in South East London. He's addressing some ingredients in his bed-sit's ‘kitchen'. fool is a 100% pure beef patty/burger and a conscientious objector.

M.B.K: I have a dream my friends, I have a dream - That one day all you little pickles, and all you little patties, and all you little baps will live together in perfect harmony, with one another - I have a dream.

fool: Err, what's a patty Martin?

M.B.K: You, fool.

fool: I thought I was a burger?

M.B.K: You are. It's called a patty!

fool: Oh, ok. (pauses to digest) That's all very well, but what about the Tartan Arches of MacTavish's? Surely we can't compete with their haggis in a bun!

M.B.K: What's a bun?

fool: It's a bap.

M.B.K: Really? Gadzooks! (pauses to digest) Brothers and sisters believe me, one day all you little cowpats and all you little sheep's guts will live together - I have a dream. I have a dream, that one day all the baps ‘n' buns and patty's ‘n' burgers will be one, and they will live alongside each other in peace and harmony. I have a dream. I have a dream.

fool: What about a secret sauce? We haven't got one!

M.B.K: This is no time to be drinking fool.

fool: Aye, and this is no time to be fucking around with some half-baked gloabalised diet bid - I want no part of it, it's crude and immoral and I'm off.

M.B.K: You're going nowhere fool (He suddenly snaps with a demonic bark) - Get back in that bun, bap, thingy before I splatter your brains all over this cheap Formica work surface.

fool: Bbbbbbut, I don't want in - I want out, I don't agree, I think its all tosh, it's all wrong, you hear me, wrong, people like burgers with mash and peas, served from a greasy Joe's, with half a tub of lard and ash on the side; this fangled-dangle idea will never catch on - it's immoral I tell you (he stutters, quivering and edging backwards, until he's cornered between the tea bag jar and the transistor radio. Pickle and bun are shaking and cry to him, ‘be care-fool, be care-fool!')

Over the radio: ‘...this is the lunchtime news, and as Tartan Arches open up all across Yank-land recently it seems like there is no letting up to this fast food takeover...'

M.B.K: See fool; see where we are, see what situation we are in. I have a dream fool, I have a dream. And you're not going to stop me. I...have... a...dream.

fool: So did Hitler, you mad bastard. You should've stuck with your brother and the Black Panthers. I'm off...Oh that's it just use force...put me behind bars why don't you...'

M.B.K: Bars eh!

fool: ‘...probably become the heavyweight champ of the world...I could've been someone...let me go...(voice fades into the distance as M.B.K grabs him and throws him onto the grill...)

And lo - flame grill burgers were born into the 10 second delivery service...

Believe you can do it

What a complete waste of a page that was eh! No fear though folks. Probability states that 1 in X will hit the worthwhile bone. Keep tuned...

But now it's quiz-o-matic time:

1. Who shot Martin Luther King?

2. Who sang, ‘Dreamer, nothing but a dreamer, can you put your hands on your head, oh no...'?

3. What does No mean in Japan?

4. In which city was Cary Grant born?

5. In "A whiter shade of pale" where were the vestal virgins leaving for?

6. Which breakfast dish was originally a hangover cure?

7. Hour many hours were there in February 1997?

8. Name the three consecutive years that Marc Bolan, Keith Moon and Sid Vicious died.

All answers and more in *Comps & results.

Meanwhile: WHO AM I? Clue #1; ‘Jack Ruby killed me."

Is it me?

But now folks let's take a peek at this week's sponsors - and hey, there's a new kid on the block:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, ‘Ooh baby when you dance like that...' - Just gets better this joint.

GTM: It really is for your best garden & leisure furniture - gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace walking holidays in Sierra Nevada, Spain: You don't need me to convince you. Click on the link.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: mate, you want fish? This is fish.

In cfn this week is *Digger's AFL dish with all the trimmings. And would you Adam n Eve it; *Trigger's only been getting it right again!

There's always new *Tit-bits every week. But also new this week are a blast from the past in the *cfn Archives. A new recipe to sink your teeth into in *Grub-up. And *Poetry Corner's on a recall.

There's heaps of other pages to have a gander at, let alone something you might like in the *Classifieds - give it a whirl - and while you're at it see if you can get those lard arses, the *Bongo Massif Bro's off the sofa!

But now, it's raggleby time:

And news is that if South Africa had any bigger boots they'd be getting too big for them!

Hum. No, I take that back. The ‘Is-it's', all sides, have been top notch all during the S14's, and not just the solidly stoic and well rounded semi winners of last week's semi-final bouts - The Sharks and The Bulls. - That would be good fight eh. I wonder how'd they'd do it - air in the drink or water tanks on the dirt!

Sharks

The Sharks have had a marauding pack with hunting backs all season and deservedly flattened, yep; in the end they did flatten a succumbed Auckland Blues side. Who although dominated the middle order of the game were eventually swept away with pace, power and the want - 34-18.

It's the first time two, let alone one S.A. sides are in the final since the comps 1996 start. And although the Bulls didn't or in fact don't play pretty rugby, they too knocked off a ‘failed N.Z system' to take a finals place over Canterbury's Crusaders - I don't remember the score - something like 27-18. I was too drunk by then. But I do know there were no tries - I repeat a S14 semi and no tries! And by the way when I say failed, I mean the ‘A.B 22' absence- it didn't work. Did it! Can you see the cracks!

Bulls

So, final time on Saturday in Durban and as The Sharks skipper said, "It's very, very exciting. But people only remember teams that win titles and we have to finish the job next week." - cf says they will by a fin.

40 All Black Tests hero Ali Williams was sent home from S.A. for bad behaviour. Apparently he'd been a bad lad all the time whilst on tour in Aus and S.A. - he spent most of his time boozing it up and swearing at players and management. Even his fellow Christian, non-drinking Marist/Christian/Born-again team-mates said he should be dropped from the players 22 - he probably had a couple of Babychams!

News is though he was told to go home without the obligatory 48 hour (Within 48hrs not a 48 hr case!) misconduct inquiry. Now, as he agent said, it could be, "The biggest personal grievance case in New Zealand sporting history." - Awarded a lifetime supply of mince sauce.

In Aus; Eddie Jones hasn't got the tin-tack from Queensland Reds yet - just a matter of time.

And look out for the ‘Tah's utility back Sam Norton-Knight. He'll be wearing Larkham's jersey for the Wallaby's on 26^th May against the Welsh. You remember him; he was the one that Lote shoved for taking that tap penalty against The Force in the last second instead of taking the points for a win. - But as cf said back then, that was when Lote turned into a tit!

Meanwhile, up t‘north Leicester beat Gloucester 44-16 in a thriller in the final of the English Guinness Premiership at Twickenham. Bar the absolutely ferocious Tigers pack and equally handy backs (Would be a good game against The Sharks eh) - the man who took some laurels was Samoan, Tigers wing Alesona Tuilagi, the 6ft 2" 18st mauler. Grrr.

Alesana

Tiger's skipper Martin Cory said of the demolition man, "Its fantastic playing alongside Alesana, although come the World Cup I wouldn't be 100% keen (Playing against him). He is first class; I can't speak highly enough of the bloke. He is an exceptional talent and one of those you are delighted to have on your side."

Tigers!

Note: England play Samoa in Nantes on 22^nd Sept - eight days before England play S.A. - it's by, by for one of those teams!!!

Harry Ellis was injured for that game for Leicester and will also miss the Heineken Cup this week against Wasps at Twickenham, And the whole World Cup. But with or without him next week is the road to Leicester's treble, and it really is going to be a hum-dinger of a game in the 82,000 sell out. As Wasps coach Shaun Edwards said, "This is the biggest game ever between Wasps and Leicester - and in terms of revenue and attendance the biggest Club game ever." - Which incidentally surpasses Stade Francais/Toulouse play-off in the Top 14's in January by a couple of thou.

It will be a cracking game. Both packs are pretty gnarled, and as Wasps and England winger Paul Sackey said of their backs, "When you take the field armed with the likes of Josh Lewsey, Tom Voyce, Mark van Gisbergen, Fraser Waters and Dave Walder you command respect." - Good to see a Dave in there.

England go into Bloemfontein's Test against The Boks on 26^th May minus 30 players due to Club commitments or injury and already it is being dubbed the ‘Tour from Hell 2'. Brian Ashton was blunt when he said, "Damage limitation and Brian Ashton don't sit together." - No, yeah, that is right - ugh!

Jason Robinson, stand in skipper is excited, he said, "There is an extra bit of excitement, it's a great bunch of guys and there is a great opportunity for a lot of them to come back and give Brian a selection headache." - Oh super!

Sgt Wilko's going and says he's fit and raring to go, "I wouldn't dare rein in my tackling - I just wouldn't want to do that in the way I play rugby." - Alright mate, keep your hair on, I didn't ask you did I?

Suits you sir

Italy are off to play Uruguay in Montevideo (Out of date town, should be Montedvd by now) on 2^nd June and Argentina on the 9^th.

And John Kirwan's Japan lost both games to the Classic All Blacks, but had positive first half displays, which will bode well for the coming up Specific Nations Cup against Tonga, Fiji, Aus ‘A', Samoa and the Junior All Blacks. But John has his eyes on the World Cup pool games and beating Australia and Wales; "We intend to win our pool, so the qualification for the World Cup in 2011 will not be a problem." - Yeah, dream on John. The 2011 World Cup will be cut from 20 - 16 teams, but that's four years away, so don't start panicking yet Scotland.

Ok, I'm as crook as, and everything's beginning to close in now, so excuse me if I get a touch of the Tourrettes! - No nurse not those one's, yeah them, the green ones. Up there? No way - ooh you minx...

The Barbarians are off to Tunisia and Spain - that would be alright wouldn't it. Open wide and say ARSE. - What, eh, who...!

Quickly, move onto cricket before he goes off again:

And what's this, Scotland Yard say Bob wasn't murdered but just had a heart attack - sorry, as bloke down the pub corrected me - A Scotland Yard ‘source' said Bob wasn't murdered....Why are they called Scotland Yard if they're not based in Scotland?

Gladstone

Anyway, their word is that he probably had a seizure, fell awkwardly and broke a bone in his neck and the weed killer was inhaled from cricket pitches. The ‘source' said, "A British inquest would probably record an open verdict to death." - That's just being lazy.

Jamaican cops want a third opinion and they're bringing in the FBI - and that will no doubt completely fuck it all up - Keanu Reeves will play an undercover spin bowler for Pakistan, and end up being Inzaman's bookies lover...

I hear Gladstone Small is the new Pakistani coach. As a spokesman said, ‘I'd like to see some cunt strangle him.'

Gladstone

Back in the real world of Murderers; Australia's Government stepped into the sporting arena and stopped them going to Zim for their 3 match ODI tour - good bloody, about time, stuff. The best bit was John Howard's speech where he likened Mugabe to Hitler's Gestapo and called him a "Grubby dictator." - And that, "His regime is behaving like the Gestapo towards its political opponents." - Yeah, naff off Bob. At least Amin had a bit of character about him!

On the pitch England play the Windies at Lords this week, in fact today. And Matt Prior's been given the nod to keep stumps. Apparently that was a bit of a headache for new boy Peter Moores and his gang. Dave Gravy, chief selector, said, "Matt's capability of scoring runs - which he has shown over a long period with Sussex - sex - has probably swung the balance." - They're all swingers in Sussex.

Sussex

Matt said, "I'm naturally outspoken and like to give as much energy as possible." - Energy, that's a bit Hollywood isn't it - a bit Scientology - ‘Hey yeah dude, that wicket keeper's got a lot of energy mon.' - Well you stick your energy up your arse!

What's happening, is Fred out Ands in, Pan out and Shah in? Ands wants in and said, "I should be in the England team. I wouldn't be playing cricket if I didn't think I was good enough." - That the attitude me lad.

Hai ya

Harmy's definitely in, as Moores said, "There was no thought of leaving Steve out - he has more than warranted selection. I judge on what I've seen and that is someone who knows his bowling and his game." - And who knows how to get to the ground.

The Windies Chris Gayle - wasn't that a 70's singer along the lines of Gladdy's Knight and Gloria Gaynor...? - Anyway, he isn't happy with the team's 11.30p.m. in bed curfew and said, "I don't agree with the curfew but that's the new policy. I'd like the guys to be more relaxed and to do what they want to do." - Yeah, out in your rollerblades and leg warmers, catching a bit of night fever around Piccawilly Circus yer big Gayle!

Meanwhile Beefy reflected on Dunc's reign and said he liked him, and that he did some good things, but in the end he basically gave up communicating to the team and media. "England were going nowhere. There was no communication and at times I think Duncan took being miserable to a new level."

England will whop the Windies at Lords and Moores you'd better smile.

Other sports in the pot:

How can you not talk about him? Ok Felipe ‘doesn't' Massa won in Spain's Circuit de Catalunya but Lewis whooped up the 140,700 crowd by coming in 2^nd - his 4^th podium finish and now leader in the comp. As he told team mate Alonso, "I've told him, I'll get him soon, because I want that win." - He'll get it too.

How did this get here?

Jackie Stewart said of him, "I think he's going to rewrite the book." And that, "Niki Lauda and James Hunt changed the culture of racing drivers. But they were not role models. They said nothing, didn't give a damn." You could say anything you wanted to Niki, he couldn't hear you and James was too busy shagging - yeah babe.

James

cf doesn't do football but W.H.U. won 7 of their last 9 games, mostly to Tevez, and did the double over Man U and the Arse, and stayed up in the Prem. Bloke down the pub says he doesn't give two threepenny bits - but cf says that without the salt of the earth the world would be pretty plain!

And now the rest of the news:

Leonardo DiCaprio is being sued by his neighbours Ronald and Joan Lincoln for £125k over his basketball court. They say builders cut down their hedges and the excavations destabilised their deck and pool area. - Well, it's just not cricket is it Ron & Joan. ‘Err, no fool it isn't!'

Not cricket

Perv photographer Spencer Tunick's been at it again. This time he snapped 18,000 nudes in Mexico City's Zocalo Sq. He's been doing this for years, all over the world. I don't know how he gets away with it. It's not normal...is it?

One nude

The French are the biggest moaners in the workplace. 14,000 employees in 23 countries were quizzed on pay and working hours. The Brits and Swedes came joint second and the Dutch, it had to be the Dutch eh, I mean their stoned all day, they should've come joint second, and after work they all have sex and drink beer. Anyway, they were the least most not happy - or the most least unhappy...they were happy. Anyway, the Yanks were third, and they have the highest income relative to their cost of living. - Yeah for Christ's sake, people in Europe live in places the same size as some of their fridges! - get happy Yanks.

Catflap?

Sofaman's back and has clocked a new world record - on a sofa with a motor of course, at 92mph. Marek Touresk, who won the ride in an auction to raise money for infant deaths said, "It was terrifying, you can feel every bump and it seems like you might take off." - Was that Marek ‘you fucking pig honey cunt Tourettes' Touresk?

Ok, another women's survey polled from 12000 readers of Glamour mag said that two thirds of women fantasize about group sex. A quarter dream of starring in a porn flick - I said flick. One in five like the idea of a lesbo grapple. 13% think of their female mates during sex - didn't see that one coming...although, hang on, now I have! One third don't mind the thought of being spanked and what's this, 12% like the idea of being kidnapped! Sex expert - aren't we all? Val Sampson said, "Our sexual fantasies are integral to who we are. To reveal them would be to strip down to our barest selves." - Phoarrr, she says that well, I bet she's got a posh voice too - ‘strip down to our barest selves.' - Good God tonight.

Ok, if that wasn't enough, get your big fat craniums around this; In the Norwich Jobcentre in the east of England they're advertising for a "Trampling Dominatrix" - it pays a £100 a day. Part of the job description is, ‘Wearing leather and stomping on S&M fetishists who enjoy being trodden on.' You have to be 18+ and it's a, ‘fun job for reliable and open minded people.' And, ‘One to one utilising the skills of dominatrix and trampling.' Owner of the dungeon at Girl Power Club, Gerry Jones 32 said, "My clients are nice professional guys with a fetish who want to be walked over and verbally abused. No sexual favours are offered." - He'll make a mint; just think of all the stag nights that'll go there. Although Tory family campaigner Dr. Adrian Rogers isn't thrilled, he said, "This behaviour should be illegal. It can lead to some serious injuries." - Yeah, I bet you'd know. Plus it's more fun when illegal eh!