Crazy Fool's Newsround - 11th - 17th June 2010 volume 384

11th - 17th June 2010 volume 384
June, 16th 2010 15:21 PM

“With your button down lips and your roller blind eyes”

(Pink Floyd)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 17.6.10

For the 3rd Battalion the Rifles

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Bang 747

A Russian model is suing an airline after her fake boobs exploded mid-flight.

Iren Ferrari, 29, boarded a Swiss Air flight from Moscow to Zurich, along with her 44J assets. Turbulence rocked the Boeing 747 and Iren flew back and forth hitting her left breast which then exploded and deflated.

Her lawyer Sergei Zhorin stated, “The space between the seats was too tight for her breasts.”

She is seeking £82,000 in order to replace each 9kg implants and to cover her failed singing career, her perfume line, the four nights booked with the Sheikh of Arabi, why she wasn’t able to hook up with a Rolling Stone and the fact she couldn’t find a beach holiday.

Nope, didn’t go out last night

Michelle Philpot’s is 47 or so she is told. Michelle has severe memory loss and cannot remember anything that happened the day before.

Her ‘Ground Hog Day’ started after two road accidents 16 years ago and ever since she has had to rely on a Sat-Nav to get to her local shops in Spalding, Lincs UK.

Dave has lived to deal with the problem and lives life to the full reading up on all her favourite Soaps through TV magazines and even sees the bonus of laughing at the same jokes over and over again.

Dr. Peter Nestor, a neuroscience specialist at Cambridge University said, “Amnesia trauma targets a precise area, usually the temporal lobe, which in many aspects is good because it is just temporary.”

Her husband Ian will however, get the shock of his life when her memory does come back and she finds out that ‘they don’t have that kind of sex on Eastenders and not everyone is doing it like that these days’.

*The tallest German soldier in World War II was 7ft 6” and he was apprehended by a Canadian captain called Bob Roberts who stood at 5ft 6”. Bob yelled, “Reach for the sky Fritz.” And he did.

Saved by the bang

A Romanian stowaway hid in the undercarriage of a Boeing 747 from Vienna to London’s Heathrow this week and survived.

The man aged 20 coped with temperatures of -41ºC, the lack of oxygen and the risk of being crushed, for the one and half hour flight. Ground staff at Heathrow said, “He fell out like a stone.”

The private plane belonged to a Sheikh from the UAE who intends to sue the Austrian airport for slack security. The man, who slipped through a hole in a fence to ‘board’ the plane, said he was looking for work, which is legal in the UK as Romania is part of the EU, yet it is still unclear what the gooey, silicon type substance it was that seemed to have kept him alive in the under carriage.

Catch me if you can

The best tasting vodka in the world comes from Hereford England. ‘Chase’ beat 115 rivals in the World Spirits Competition in San Francisco, and William Chase the businessman who brought it to us began work on his distillery two years ago. He puts his success down to his spuds.

William splashed out £3m on his premium tipple and supplies all the spuds from his Rosemaund Farm, claiming they provide a sweeter taste than the normally cheaper wheat or rye grain products. A 70ft copper pot also adds to the distillery process which he says is a work of art and not just as simple as making Poteen.

It takes 35lb’s of potatoes to make one 70cl bottle, which sells for £32.95. He used to sell 100 bottles a week, but since winning the competition his tally has risen to 300 or 400 a day.

How many spuds is that? I think that was one of my 11+ questions, which by the way David Essex refused to answer any questions in order to go to a school that played football – fact.

Rock On

A Japanese space probe launched 7 years ago has fired back down to earth with rock samples from the asteroid Itakawa.

The Hayabusa capsule completed its 2billion mile journey and came back to earth landing in Australia travelling at 7 and half miles a second. Inside the heat proof capsule scientists said carried the ‘Dawn of our solar system’, who is now suing David Essex on account of the fact that on her journey she did not become a star, even though she did Rock On, but now everything has turned to Stardust. - Believe me, they can get worse!

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘David Essex once played for West Ham Juniors.’

Here he is: (only available on website!)

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: GREYHOUND – A very short skirt only inches from the hare.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve,

Animal world

Sheedi devotees in Pakistan wave their baby’s over a crocodile’s jaws for luck. It’s much the same as a British summer fete on the tombola stall, where luck can go either way.

However, at the Sheedi Mela festival in Karachi excited fathers offer the crocs lumps of fresh goat then dangle their kids over their gaping mouths. If the saint Khuaju Hasan looks on favourably then the child will, well, grow up.

Crocs are so revered among the Sheed-ites than when they die they are buried wrapped in a shroud, just like humans. The Shroud of Hasan is a matter of controversy in Pakistan, although new evidence in a Discovery channel programme, scheduled to go out this week, it is claimed the truth shall be revealed.

*A Chinese man was eaten by tigers this week in Quinling Wild Park. The 45 year-old was attacked by 5 Siberian tigers as he and his son wandered through their enclosure. Police spokesman Li Yanrong said they are talking to an attendant who is believed to have left the gate open. – What’s funny about that? I’ll tell you – nothing!

*The new World Mosquito Swatting Champion is David Gavidas from Estonia. In a one metre square grid David managed to squish 38 mozzies and in the process crushed the previous record of 8, which was held by a Finn. Nothing finny about that either.

David said, “My arms and legs hurt and itch a bit but otherwise I’m fine.” – Well, that’s good then.

*Police in Suffolk have been told to sell their fish in order to meet their £3m cutbacks necessary to keep afloat.

Their head office in Ipswich is surrounded by an ornamental moat containing koi carp. The force has also been advised to ban biscuits, to bring in their own pens and pencils, to cease the purchase of potted plants and no more hot food for the lags, but instead should supply jam sandwiches.

Perhaps they should feed them the fish.

You’ll cop it…

A policeman in Seattle Washington is under scrutiny after cameras caught him hitting a 17 year-old girl in the face for jaywalking.

The girl became abusive then walked away. When reasonable restraint didn’t work the officer punched her in the face, amidst cries from a passer by, crying, ‘are you serious?’

A police spokesman said they are investigating the situation but also said that punching is a tactic the police are trained to use.

John McEnroe is suing the passer by for copyright.

You cannot be serious

Professional clowns are up in arms in El Salvador, they now have three – I apologise, here’s the rest; after a spate of armed robberies occurred on the public busses by people dressed as clowns.

100 clowns took to the streets of San Salvador chanting ‘real clowns are not criminals’.

Real clowns make their money on the public transport system by begging whilst dressed as clowns, this is highly legal if you resemble a sad git with a red nose, however, since a real robber shot dead a man whilst dressed as a clown, trade has slumped.

Ana Noelia Ramirez of the street clown association said, “The people who did this are not clowns. They unfortunately used our costumes and our make-up to commit these monstrous crimes.”

The clown union leader Carlos Vasquez promised to issue ID’s to the real clowns, which effectively means they know have a license to rob.

JM: Hey…

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz