‘Why, God damn that rootin tootin wish wash habble de dab dere den Bob, what we need is solid ground here. I says we  flatten the place and raise it to hell, that way we got ourselves our own lang-u-age, hear me Bob?' - First came the lawyers then came the schools.

Grammar can be as complicated as this

And thus grammar, grandma, and the effortless grammer were dumped into the idiomatic Sea of Grand Merde - a resting bed for the 3 R's and the diminutive deixis of its determiner and her colloquial roots - ‘what we got here is an ability to communicate'! Did you know that in Victorian England books written by women were not allowed to be shelved next to books written by men unless they were married. And so the great educational revolution grinds its way to a stalemate with da hoods and soon enough all there'll be is a poetical licence of cf and his tripe - I thank you.

But no fear oh loathers, you've still got these:

1. Name three grammatical terms beginning with i.

2. What is a snake's cast off skin called?

3. What is an Archimedes Screw used for?

4. What plant does vanilla come from?

5. Is writing paper stationary or stationery?

6. What is the English equivalent of the American pacifier?

7. At which cricket ground is there a Nursery End?

8. Name the three famous horror movie actors who were all born coincidently on 27^th May.

Answers to quiz No.198 can be found on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ and personally I thought they were some of the better questions yet, with undoubtedly the best prize on offer - The Who's Quadrophenia. But alas no bugger got them so it's back on the shelf and up for grabs.

As for WHO AM I? We work into week 2 and here's your clue; ‘I sometimes melt time.'

Is it me?

Right things have been a tad hickle-ty-de-pickle-ty this week what with some bomb chuckers disrupting cf's jet set schedule, yes, he was there, along with 186,000 others, anyway then returning home to no internet and no sleep since The Beastie Boys touched down, but that doesn't matter, no, it doesn't matter cos still on track is *Digger and his round 20 - you dig? *Trigger and his Stable of wonga for you - get in touch with him now for your chance to double your money and try to get rich - see Triggers Stable for details. Cf has brought you a food source this week, oh yes this week it is here; *Grub Up - tuck in. And *The Bongo Massif Bro's have gone on their summer hols, but themz are a coming...soon. Until then, remember, all is in your friendly http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ don't be shy take a peak.

The rugby news is that the Wallabies travel to Eden Park this week. Forget the Bledisloe Cup, that's already been won by the Blacks with their destructive jobs in Christchurch and Brisbane, but on the Blacks home turf, can the Wallabies really upset?

Let's have a look at some stats; N.Z. hasn't lost at home in 20 games. The Wallabies haven't beaten their four major opponents away in 17 Tests, which spans 59 months - oh no, sorry they got one victory over England (21-19 Twickenham) in 2004. They've lost 5 in a row to N.Z. and haven't beaten them at home since 2001. They lost the last 5 against S.A. Three against France and won one out of four against England!

John Connolly agrees, he says, "It's a damning statistic, no doubt." He's under no illusions of what has to be done to win the World Cup either, on that he says, "For us to win the World Cup in France next year we've got to beat S.A. or England in the quarters, N.Z. in the semi's and probably France in the final - all in three weekends." - piece of piss mate.

Anyway back to this weekend and Knuckles Connolly's putting his bucks on Phil Waugh to do the business, offering him his first start this year, and as he says, "George Smith has been very good to us throughout the season and is one of the world's best in his position, but we are very keen to see what Phil can bring into the mix." - Phil? Does he grab you as a Phil? I dunno!

It's pretty clear who the Wallabies have to stop though, is that Phil's job? It's that man McCaw. And as Brisbane's coach, Chris Roche said, "If you are playing against a good back row forward, you have to bury him under rucks and mauls. At the end of the day you want Ritchie McCaw on the ground and the ball gone." - Bury him, bury him I say.

Knuckles has faith though, and despite being three short of a front row, they can as he says, "turn up and win it." - cf reckons that too...but they won't!

Ok, cricket and England go into the forth Test at the Oval today against Pakistan full of beans. They've already won the series and are looking good, there's even talk of Ian Bell getting his forth Test century on the trot, a feat not achieved by an Englishman since Ken Barrington (that's a good English cricketers name - Barrington) , he did it twice!

But him (Bell) like the rest of the squad have got what every sportsman wants, confidence, as he says, "Previously I'd felt like a young lad playing against world class players and I didn't really look them in the eye. Now I walk out to bat with my chest out." - shoulders back, eyes forward, lovely boy, lovely boy. It aint ‘alf hot mum.

In fact that's a theme running through the whole English squad, whereas before it may have only been 11 or 12. Strauss comments on it when he was asked about the whole Freddie and Strauss captains' debate in the Ashes - oh bugger, said it now, Ashes. Anyway he said, "Whatever happens regards to captaincy there will be 15 or 16 guys going to Australia with one sole intention of retaining that urn." - Tea Ern?

Ok then, onto the Ashes and I didn't even mention that Shoaib Akhtar, the Rawalpindi Express is still injured and won't take part in the fourth Test at the Oval - never mind.

Vaughany's batting for Fred to lead his side, I say his side because officially he's still the England captain although he hasn't played since December and he'll not take part down under this November - whatever - he says, "Fred is a big player. If anyone can bat, bowl, field and captain, it's him." - Of course it's him.

Oz coach John Buchanan's got the Aussies reading England's coach Duncan Fletcher's book; ‘Ashes Regained: The Coach's Story'. He said, "I've made the book mandatory reading to get an insight into what happened. There are important lessons we can use to build on during the upcoming Ashes return series." - Coming next the revenge of the Ashes.

 "Never under estimate your opponent." Bruce Lee.

Glenn McGrath's back and on top form and Brett Lee's psyched, he says, "I'm pumped up for it, it's going to be a great series. The Ashes is absolutely amazing, something that we've been looking forward to for some time. It's possibly the biggest series that I'll ever play in." - Coming to a big screen near you SOON!

I don't do football much but only snippets here and there, so here's one; the English Premiership starts this weekend and do you know who's gonna win? Man ‘scum' United, that's who - remember you, heard it here first.

Also Dean Ashton from WEST HAM broke his ankle whilst on England duty, did I say he was on England duty? See, you can't keep WEST HAM out of the news.

Right what's in the real news; a stunning 25% of Brits hate their workmates, what if there's only two in the office? A third quit work just so they don't have to see them anymore! In a poll the most despised folk were The Brown Noser, The Blagger, The Clock Watcher, The Lech and of course The Boss. - Oh happy days.

New born babies should be kept to their mother's bare chest for at least one hour - here here.

One billion people are overweight, that's more than there are skinnies. Only 800m are starving! Nutrioitionist prof Barry Popkin of North Carolina University says, "We cut smoking by two thirds by taxing cigarettes and increasing the price. With a calorie tax of say five cents for every added gram of sugar - you would cut consumption of sweetened drinks in half." - Clever bugger.

In your face

It doesn't help these guys much, but then neither does this late pardon from the British Government - what am I talking about? The 306 WWI soldiers who were shot at dawn for desertion or cowardice 90 years ago, that's who. It's good to see that, cf likes that, and as Defence Sec Des Browne says, they were victims of war.

Too morose for ya, have a go at this then; James Bond's jumbo's haunted! The 747 stunt plane is said to be haunted by a woman who died of a heart attack on it 30 years ago. Staff and crew on the Bond film said they saw lights and warning systems go on when there was no power. A spokesman said, "Some won't get on board. It's been a real problem." David McAlister who keeps the plane in his hangar when it's not in use said, "I cannot discuss the film, but I am aware of the plane being haunted. Everyone knows the story." - You afraid of ghosts? Drop cf a line on his gibber-gibber forum and he'll put you right.

Beware the other side!

Paris Hilton's not having sex for a year; she's made a bet with chums. Neither is Serena Williams, but that's because she can't get any. Paris said, "I'm not doing it with anyone. I want to concentrate on work. I'll kiss but nothing else." - And probably tell too.

Paris?

Paris is also in the Guinness Book of Records for being voted the most overrated celebrity. Madge is in it for being the highest paid female performer and so too is Rock for being the highest paid debut actor in The Scorpion King.

Peaches Geldof 17 earns £250k a year; she's still at school for Pete's sake! She describes herself as a, "writer, journalist, documentary pro, mover and shaker." - cf gets pittance.

Meanwhile the BBC spends £55k a day on taxi's and hired cars - that's £20m a year!

Ok, lastly three shark fishermen who went missing nine months ago, presumed dead, have turned up half way between Hawaii and Australia! When their engine broke they drifted in the Pacific Ocean for 5 thousand miles. They ate raw fish and birds and drank rain water. The left San Blas, Mexico last November and were picked up by a Taiwanese trawler last week. Jesus Videna 27 said, "We ate raw fish, ducks, and seagulls. We took down any bird that landed on our boat and ate it." Yeah I eat you too pigdog. Salvador Orodeny and Lucio Rendan were also with him and all were slightly sunburnt but otherwise fine. The Trawlers skipper said, "They were very skinny and hungry." - How many do you reckon started on that boat?

I see you going on a long journey

Keep up yer grammmer studies.

cf