Crazy Fool's Newsround - 11th - 17th April 08 volume 279

11th - 17th April 08 volume 279
April, 17th 2008 07:57 AM

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: Frankenstein’s monster is at the Doctor’s with complaints of a dicky heart.

Monster: It’s my heart Doc. It’s dicky

Dr. F: Richard the Lionheart, yes I know – no better heart in the land, dug it up myself. What’s the matter with it?

Monster: It’s stopped.

Dr. F: Dicky’s got a dicky ticky!

(somewhere in the distance Chewbacca groans)

Dr. F: I can give you this Timex pocket watch it’ll do just the tick. (Chewbacca’s groaning gets louder)

Monster: You’re not wasting my time are you?

Dr. F: No, just killing it till I search for another idiom, at the same time I believe this kind of heart is ahead of its time, and before time, if you bide your time with this revolutionary pacemaker for the future, you’ll save time, in fact time will never run out for you, and to be frank your time was just about bought had you not come in in the nick of time. Monster, I’m going to give you a timeless opportunity to be around till the end of time. Now, let’s set this thing…have you got the time?

Narrator: Once upon a time there was a quiz… I hate you fool, you know that don’t you.

1. What is the name of the valve that lets blood into the heart?

2. What is a compote?

3. What is the main edible export of Argentina?

4. Which family of fruit does the kumquat belong to?

5. What is the only English anagram of FIENDISH?

6. Athene is the Greek goddess of wisdom. Who is the Roman?

7. Which state became the 50^th American state?

8. What are Great Helm, Basinet and Lobster Tail all types of? A) Armoured helmet B) Seagull C) Fishing boat

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Cigars were lit, brandy glugged and rejoicing prevailed in the streets across the world: The King is dead, long live the King. These clues are done with: clue No.1: “When the balmy Californian heat gets too much I tend to take a bat from my car and go and bash up some baddies and make out vigilantilism is just a way to let off steam.” clue No.2: “After picking myself up again I landed myself a right little beauty.” clue No.3: “I think one of my old man’s ‘sparring’ partners copped it this week!” – It was of course Michael Douglas. So let’s start anew: clue No.1, “I set out to create a monster but made a masterpiece.”

is it me?

(Had an interesting letter this week from Marc ‘the quizmaster’ over the on going saga of the points system, Plus some controversy over a couple of questions by another punter; read all about it in comps and results page.)

Scores at the end of week 15 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And for the hard of smelling; phewee

Dracule: 8 (1)

Legal Eagle: 6 (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Marc the quiz king: off the marc! 1

Casualty: fire, dun dun duuun, teach you to burn; 1

Others: hello, hello is there anybody out there, just nod if you can hear me (no one here, but us chickens)

Quote for the week (well sought of):

The Weakest Link BBC2 UK: Anne Robinson: In Russian politics, Vladimir Putin is renowned as an accomplished performer of which activity, Judo or Cluedo?

Contestant: Cluedo.

*Non-descript trivia moment*

AULD LANG SYNE

(Second verse)

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pu’d the gowans fine;

But we’ve wandered mony a weary foot,

Sin’ auld lang syne

fool's Gold

Ivan Sergeyevich Turgenev, a Russian dramatist who died in 1883, possessed the heaviest human brain on record at nearly 4lb 7oz

The first know contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000BC

Wine will spoil if exposed to light, hence tinted bottles

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

Needing inspiration for a word for the week, Dr. Phil decided to go to the 'think tank". While seated, he pondered the term "LOO". The theory, favoured by many, refers to the trade name 'Waterloo', which appeared prominently displayed on the iron cisterns in many British outhouses during the early 20th century. Dr. Phil still wonders whether there is any reference to the century earlier Battle of Waterloo; when surely a number of soldiers shat themselves

Thanks Dr. Phil.

Things that are really getting up my nose, on my goat and on my wick this week:

The severe lack of Blakey’s on the heels of shoes these days. If they’re not called that in your country then I mean the little metal ‘strip’ with spikes hammered into the heel to prevent it from wearing. They then made that menacing German SS Officer sound when walked on hard floors through the echoing corridors of power!

And general do-gooders…idiots.

Nurse… Nurse…I’m ready now!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and wine by the bucket. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon, Vietnam this side of Spain. - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think!

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Particularly like the new sand-pits dude.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too! – How was Morocco?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: This week I've been eating my steak with beans – “More beans Mr. Taggart? I think you’ve had quite enough son!” They're in the*classifieds. Call them for their meat list – they deliver – they're great – available in Saigon, Vietnam now. Check out their meat on kimhai@media.net.vn

We Are Pleased To Announce the Opening of Our

Butchery & Delicatessen

Conveniently Located, at 41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street , District 1, Ho Chi Minh City .

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St )

Opening 14th February 2008 from 8.30am-8.00pm

Tel:+848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

*classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Don’t forget…There’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; takes us into the next round of the AFL with guided steerage!

*Trigger: May Dame Fortune attend us all Mr.T

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in… oh sod it, it’s coming ok - hold on to your flab. - Maybe April! – Honestly, it’s coming…

*Tit-bits – A Nympho convention/…An old man…/…A father…/…

*Grub–Up – * New-ish* - Nigella Lawson’s prawns, Vietnamese sauce and black rice – it’s hot – like her arse!

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, Feb ‘08’

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – Bang a gong get it on - Don't forget their marmalade session on crazy fool's radio show coming soon – don't miss em, they rock.

Mr. Meaner... look out, it’s gonna get’yer!

Now;

This is the rugby bit for rugby folk and all; if you’re not keen move on:

It’s a ruggerflyby time; and just what did happen this week?

The Sharks are reminding fool of his old school team; they coasted to yet another win by the skin of their predatory sharp pearlies, this time 19-17 over The Highlanders in Dunedin last week.

The Sharks missed five penalties in this game en-route to their unbeaten 2008 run so far, and you’re left wondering that if they ever click they’ll be completely unstoppable.

Vainikolo is continuing his ever present presence for the Highlanders, but it was the battle of the No.8’s that caught the eye in this game; Craig Newby and the Sharks’ young fella, Kankowski, who I thought only appeared in the ‘Unpronounceable’!

Over in Pretoria the Hurricanes whipped up a storm and smashed the ‘Is-its’ 50-22 – they got their bonus point in the first 22 minutes!

Last year’s Champs, the Bulls have played snippets of good rugby this year, but there’s obviously something very, very wrong at this Club right now.

23 missed tackles in the first half suggests a complete lack of effort to say the least. 17 of those were in the first 17 minutes alone – that like about one a minute dude…whoaaa!

The Canes ran in some beaut tries, with some nice free handling interspersed between forwards and backs. Chris Masoe came good as did the make-up wearing poof Ma’a Nonu, however, it was the ‘Canes No.9 Piri Pissshit who had all the fun.

The Stormers beat the Cheetahs 34-22 in a fantastic MB derby in Cape Town. In what is usually a toe-to-toe slogging fest, this was truly a run rugby fest.

The try of the day came when Luke Watson snuck off to the blind and waited a perfect draw and give to the tallest lock in Super 14’s Andres Bekker who slam dunked in the 30m dash to score.

Both the Stormers wings, Chavhanga and Naqelevuki scored in both corners to reflect the running of the game, especially the latter, which saw the ball swing from left to right then back through quick ruck ball to the right whereupon Schalk Burger let out an almighty floater to Naqelevuki who strutted his stuff with a great side step to finish it under the posts.

The Cheetahs came back with three tries in 10 minutes and all day the TMO had his work cut out – five out of five times he got it correct.

The Force and the Tah’s had a right good and proper too-to-toe derby in their match at the Subiaco Oval, with the Tah’s just clinching it 17-12.

With the ‘Git’ gone, knocked out at the end of the first half, it was forced upon the Force to apply the force! And with their percentage of territory and possession in the second half you felt they deserved more than a rebound boot off Shepherds’ right foot straight into the arms of Lachlan Turner overdrive to win the game.

The Tah’s are getting criticised for offering nothing much other than a good defence, which is apparent, but the Lotte fella had a good run in this game and has had quite a good few runs lately, although it was a pop pass by Beale on the angle to the young Horne fella that took the Brumbies first try.

The Brumbies beat the Blues in Auckland 16-11 with a combination of quick possession from rucks and organised defence.

They also had help from a very frustrated Blues captain Troy Flavell, who it just seemed to be holding his temper…till now – frustration causes penalties, causes territory, causes points!

The Blues couldn’t do anything right this week and the Brumbies kept possession with good lineout work and a trusty boot of Mark Gerrard who kept the home team pinned in their own corner.

Saying that a Rudi Wulf’s try, late in the 76^th minute showed what the Blues’ backline can do.

Lastly the Crusaders finally managed to beat the Lions 31-6 at the AMI Stadium in Christchurch – would you Adam & Eve it that the Lions were 6-3 up at half time.

The Crusaders were simply outplayed in every department, but were quick to comeback in the second half, managing their bonus point with probably the best try of the tournament so far.

It started deep in the C’s 22 and went through ten pairs of hands before ending up in Maitland’s who was held up in the top right corner. He should have really passed and will be glad that through the recycled ball, scrum half Andy Ellis flew over the whole ruck yank football style to claim a classic try.

Shorts:

Georgia are one win away from the European Nations Cup title. They beat Russia in Siberia 18-12 and now go to Spain on 24^th April. Russia who are now two points adrift take on Czech in the Republic.

Georgia’s Prime Minister who is a rugby nut, was so chuffed he gave the team GEL 1000,000, which is about $69k

Freddie Michalak is prepared to quit S14’s to go back to Europe, probably England or France, in order to revamp his French national career. He said, “France is the supreme goal. Playing for the French team makes you dream.” – Not sure if he finished that sentence.

The British & Irish Lions announced their 10 match tour with three Tests to MBland in June 2009 and just realised their first game against the Highveld XV in Rustenburg clashes with the Guinness Premiership final at Twickenham - better be nice to the clubs!

Stats for the nerds: The B&I Lions have toured MBland 12 times, the first in 1891. They’ve won 16 Tests, lost 21 and drawn seven.

And the news we all knew is out and so is Brian Ashton. No-one is happy with the RFU’s dealings with Ashton and his ‘sacking’, as Dick Best said, “Brian is 61. Does he need to be treated like this?”

He’s been offered the National Academy head job, but that doesn’t alter the fact that these last three weeks the whole world knew Jonno was in, he was out, and not once in those three weeks did anyone from the RFU pick up the phone… ‘Hello, is it me you’re looking for…’

The RFU are also looking a bit sheepish on the account that they are NOW implementing the ideas that Woodward said were necessary way back in 19 O’Chocolate.

Still Jonno is the man and the fool doubts there’s not a single soul on the whole planet who would refute that, but as Dew Morris said, he’d better watch his back; “He’s a natural leader, strong, direct and won’t waste 10 words if five suffice. But he better be true to himself in this lark or he’ll find himself in the same dark stuff as Ashton.”

Jonno: “I’m passionate about the England team and delivering success for it.”

Vickery is out for the NZ Tests, Shaun Edwards is staying at Wales and Wasps and Michael Fish is the weatherman.

John Smit’s; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises!

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups:

Some Internationals:

Britain EDF Trophy: Ospreys 41-35 Leicester

England Prem;

France; Pro D2 11eme:

France Top 14: Albi 13-20 Toulouse/…Biarritz 20-0 Bayonne/…Clermont 36-7 Bourgoin

Ireland's AIL level 1;

Italy; Coppa de Italia: I dunno-a

Japan Top League: Haiiii Ya

Magners League: nope

Scotland's premiership:

Super 14's: all done

Netherlands: pass de duchy pan de left hand side

Spain's Div D Honour 11: no one expects the…

Principality Building Society prem:

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Absolutely bugger all this except that the IPL starts tomorrow, and if you want an outside bet, stick it on the Rajasthan Royals, with Warney, Graeme Smith and Dimi Mascaherenas in their side.

For a safer slog go for the Bangalore Royal Challengers, hosting the likes of, Dravid, Kumble, Kallis, Cameron White, Zaheer Khan, Mark Boucher and Dale Steyn

And that’s it for this week

Till next week…

Other sports:

Nada!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

A tape of Marilyn Monroe performing a sex act on an unidentified man worth £750k has been found and is in the hands of a businessman who says, “I’m not going to sell it out of respect.”

Kelly Morgan a memorabilia collector found the tape for her research documentary after being tipped off by an ex FBI officer who was tipped off years ago by who is now an ex snitch.

J Edgar Hoover wanted to use the tape as preliminary evidence of her being capable of having affairs with the whole of the White House, well the Kennedy brothers at least. He called it, ‘a perverted act’, and was just the kind of material the witch-hunter could have used as evidence to burn the lot of them.

By all accounts Joe Dimaggio tried to buy the tape for £12k. Meanwhile the unidentified businessman who bought the tape said, “You see instantly it’s Marilyn Monroe – she has the famous mole – she’s radiant.”

marilyn?

A farmer by the name of Stoil Panayotov 54 from Plovdiv, Bulgaria got bored of his third wife when she couldn’t offer him children and swapped her for a goat. – No kidding!

Locals are allowed to buy mobile phones now in Cuba; they’ll set back the average Joe nine months wages, but what the heck. Pres, Raul Castro also says they can buy dvd’s and stay in tourist hotels. – The world’s gone mad – next they’ll be sharing our public transport!

Running and exercise in general may just speed up cancer. Boffs have found that cancer accelerates in mice with prostrate cancer; twice as quick in fact if they work out on their treadmills. – Where do they find these mice?

cf's book club

Until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 – 12:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! – rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty – If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann – rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson – arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes – to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous – Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans – fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

Week 10: Penguins Stopped Play eleven village cricketers take on the world by Harry Thompson – cricket at its best, in its quite essential way of course...no, fuck that - simply one of the most entertaining books fool's ever read, whether you like cricket or not. Rated in at 5

Week 11: Dispatches by Michael Herr – a war correspondents scribbles in the Vietnam/American war. A real insight. Rated at 3

Week 12: If I die in a Combat Zone by Tim O’Brien – another Nam yarn, but it does carry your woes into a levelled perspective. – rated 3.

The Ratings go as thus:

1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXIX:

"May I know your name?.."

"Batman..."

"May I know your name?"

"My name is Bat-man..."

"Trying to be funny?!. What is your surname?.."

"Superman..."

"I want to speak with your manager..."

I know it’s not rock n roll but I like it!

Neil King is 40 and from Halstead in Essex UK, and he went from 30st to 20st on a diet of baked beans – fool will do it for a week if he receives a sole or combined sponsorship of a $1000+ to be given to a charity of his choice.

beans will do that

This leads nicely into Jamie Oliver 32 being voted Britain’s most iconic chef. fool’s personal favourite chefs were left to wallow in 7^th, 8^th and 19^th in the shape of Nigella, Floyd and the Hairy Bikers respectively.

fool used to like the two fat ladies, what were they called again…? Was it, The Two Fat Ladies? Anyhow, they’re dead now he thinks; nevertheless, they were good cooks. One fat lady who is very much alive though is Sue Tilly 51, who is very fat and works as a JobCentre supervisor, which is not necessarily relevant – the fact of being fat and working at the JobCentre that is, although it helps…

She has been painted naked; lying on a sofa, which is entitled Big Sue, by artist Luciana Freud 85. The painting is expecting to sell for £18m at London’s Christies next month – the largest amount ever for a living artist. Sue said of the work, completed in 1995, “I think he picked me because he got value for money. He got a lot of flesh!”

Boffs now know the brain knows stuff 10 seconds before it realises. Prof John Dylan Haynes from Leipzig University Germany said, “The outcome of a decision can be encoded up to 10 seconds before it enters awareness.” – But then you knew that about 10 seconds ago didn’t you.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; Universal truth: ‘The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it will kill you at the first given opportunity.’

Lonely Planet writer, Australian Thomas Kohastamm has admitted that he and other writers have not been to all the places where they have written about. He said, “I found out very quickly that I was not allowed to go to all the places I needed to go. “ For his Colombian experience, which he wrote from San Francisco he said, “I got all the info from a chick I was dating in the Colombian Consulate.” - Who no doubt has since disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

colombia

A burglar stole £40k worth or rare coins and days later tried to cash them in a bank in Dortmund Germany – the cashier was his victim…bugger!

Britain’s longest goldfish is 15.7inches long and closing in on the world record which belongs to Dutch owner Joris Gijsburg whose fish is a staggering 18.7. – Ish a keeeeper!

70 year-old Roy Conway from Usk in South Wales has had a broken leg for 50 years and not known about it. He fell off his bike in 1958 and then spent 6 months in hospital and a further 2 years on crutches. 50 years on he says, “I’ve been in agony for half a century. The pain has been intolerable for so long it’s been part of my life. It came as a complete shock when I saw that the leg was still broken – but it explains a lot.” – They don’t make ‘em like they used to eh!

Vitamin pills, it is revealed, do you no good and in some cases even kill you! Goran Bjelekovi from the Copenhagen University Hospital said, “Beta-carotene, vitamin A and vitamin E seem to increase mortality.”

He then went onto say that, “Antioxidants are not supposed to be magic bullets and should not be expected to undo a lifetime of unhealthy living.” – He then went on to crap on about the usual; fruit & veg, smoking, drinking, exercise, blah, blah… argh_______________!

magic bullets

Ok lastly, young lad Nico Marquardt 13 from Germany has out thunk NASA by calculating the coming of an asteroid. At school Nico was given the project entitled, ‘Apophis – The Killer Asteroid’, so he looked up some info on Astrophysics in Potsdam on the net to get the gen. He has since worked out that the lump of metal has a one in 450 chance of hitting us and not as the boffs reckoned one in 45000!

The asteroid named as Apophis is scheduled to pass by earth on 13^th April 2039 and if , as Nico accounted for the fact, it hits one of the 40000 satellites that orbit our rock it could quite easily end up landing in the Atlantic Ocean, and a 320metre wide and 200billion tonne lump of iron will do some damage. – Batten down your hatches!