11 - 17th Jan 08 Volume 266
January, 17th 2008 04:52 AM

productions presents
productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: fool is at home watching a batch of old videos. He falls into a deep slumber and dreams. He's now Steve McQueen and is throttling the beast of his Mustang Bullet along Jim Morrison's seven mile snake-like L.A. freeway. By his side is Joanna Lumley entombed in a pert and sexy, rich come-hither naughtiness that borders on a high class call girl. Together they slither through the mountain pass, along the winding road, through to the other side..

Joanna: I say Steve, why don't you just bang the old girl up to a ton there, whilst I check under your hood eh, what do you say. (She pouts)

Steve, in all his coolness tilts his head, slightly, raises an eyebrow, just slightly and smiles, just ever so slightly.

'Driving down your freeway'...booms from the stereo.

Steve suddenly transforms into Hugh Grant and is sitting in the back seat of a black Cadillac. Up front and driving is Princess Di, she's muttering to herself, 'I'm not a whore mummy. Deirdre is just a friend.' Hugh allows a Hugh eyebrow rise, but it's never as good as Steve's or Roger Moore's come to that. He wonders where Joanna has gone and checks below to find he's still aroused by her kink, he turns to look for her in the car...but there sitting next to him is Bett Midler instead...

Bett: You lift me up higher than a mountain...(she wails)

Hugh: ARGHHH! (Cries Hugh!)

Di: ARGHHH (Cries Di.)

But Di is arghing at a very different matter. An old Old's Mobile has skidded sideways in the rain and is only 100m's ahead. Di is transfixed, unable to steer, momentarily paralysed. The rain's pathetic phalacy numbs her thoughts.

Hugh: (Stutters) Go to the left

(Di doesn't move the wheel"

Hugh: Go to the right

(Di doesn't move)

Bett: You lift me up (she continues to sing to Hugh)

Hugh realising it's too late shouts to Bett

Hugh: Crash positions!

At which point Bett immediately slams her head into Hugh's groin. Almost simultaneously their car smashes into the side-on tank of the Old's Mobile. Di's forehead forms a perfect fried egg bump from the knock on the windscreen, she can still be faintly heard muttering, 'Mummy, I'm not a whore.' Then sirens sound, the police are there in seconds, Bett's head is still in Hugh's crotch.

A policeman arrives at their window

Policeman: Hello, hello hello, what's all this then?

Hugh: Oh Bugger!

Narrator: fool wakes up on the floor next to his bed, his head pressed against the leg of the bedside table his crotch and arms wrapped around a stuffed hippopotamus toy. He smiles to himself, switches off the radio alarm...and has a wank! No, no, no, no. I'm not saying that. No, no, no no, nope. No fool, it's not going to happen. No. Just roll the fucking quiz.

1. Just who was Hugh's friend of 'that' night?

2. Concord is the capital of which US state?

3. Androphobia is a fear of what?

4. What was the name of the dog in the series Hart to Hart?

5. A batavia is a type of what?

6. From which language does the word 'kayak' originate?

7. What is paronomasia?

8. What is a Chinese Uncle? A) A Japanese wartime torture device B) A vodka and dry-ginger cocktail C) A type of sailing ship

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - and don't forget, you can contact fool direct on the contacts page above or do it manually, in your free time, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? Does fool get points if the clue's aren't gotten (Great English fool) I thank you. By that I mean Dracule and folk wrote in last week with every author under the sun bar the correct answer. The Eagle's refused to take part until his Carmen Miranda hat materialises. All fool can say is, 'Pull your finger out Postie.' Let's remind you of last week's tickle: Clue Number 1: "A writer of unforeseen accounts my exoticness is enjoyed by all generations." And with the knowledge that we can go safely onto clue No.2, knowing that the Cule fella is ahead leaving the Eagle adrift in the 2008 season, here is clue No.2, "A certain Jonny Foreigner recently flouted some of my, shall we say more famous of scribbles, onto the big screen, about, hmmm, was it a rolling stone!"

is it me?
is it me?

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Some Bingo Calls (The next batch)

Red Raw...64

Clickety Click...66

Bang on the Drum...71

Trombones...76

One More Time...79

Stop and Run...81

Between the Sticks...86

Two Fat Ladies...88

Top of the Shop...90

fool's Gold

  • Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down so you could see his moves.

  • When Action Man had a makeover he was given Russell Crowe's mouth, David Beckham's nose, Brad Pitt's jaw and Tom Cruise's hair.

  • "A man a plan a canal panama" Spelled backwards is still "A man a plan a canal panama"

Dr. Phil O'logy, our Wordman's word of the week:

I was wondering where the term "bogey' came from in Golf. It comes from a song that was popular in the British Isles in the early 1890s, called "The Bogey Man" (later known as "The Colonel Bogey March"). The character of the song was an elusive figure who hid in the shadows: "I'm the Bogey Man, catch me if you can."
now - has anyone seen my ball?

Thanks Dr. Phil.

And now, those who can only afford the bus please step aside for cfn's brave sponsors...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito, wine by the bucket. The best Spanish cuisine this side of Spain.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too!

 

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