Crazy Fool's Newsround - 10th - 16th Sept 2010 volume 397

10th - 16th Sept 2010 volume 397
September, 15th 2010 22:12 PM

“I fought the law and the law won”

(The Clash)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 16.9.10

For 39 Engineer (Air Support)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

The light side of the raw

A Chinese diplomat has been reprimanded for slanting drunken abuse at his boss after a formal dinner at Albach in Austria.

Sha Zukang, the UN’s undersecretary for Economic and Social Affairs, tore into Ban Ki-Moon swaying, “I know you never liked me, Mr Secretary General, well, I never liked you either.”

He then went on to verbally vociferate his dislike for Americans to a rapturous applause.

Sha apologised first thing in the morning and the pair were found kissing in the broom cupboard.

A stroke of luck

Meanwhile, a Chinese man has attempted to swim the Quing Hua River in Eastern China with both his hands and feet bound.

47 year-old Sun Yonding has managed 500metres in ten minutes on previous attempts and now is aiming for 1.8km’s.

“When I was young, a lot of my pals were trying to swim in creative ways and I thought of swimming with four limbs tied up.”

‘First; I tried my wife’s; when she didn’t come back I turned to drink and joined the diplomatic core.’

I could have done that

That’s not my bag baby!

The case of cross-dressing MI6 code-breaking agent Gareth William’s death has Police baffled, after his body was found in a 32”x19” North Face bag.

It is believed he climbed in the bag, zipped and padlocked the outside and tried to hold his breath for eight days in some kind of bizarre sex game.

Tests are being carried out on the lethal toxic polonium, which was used to kill Alexander Litvienenko. However, that was in 2006 and may no longer be active.

Oe’r the land of the free

A British teenager has been banned from America for life for calling Barrack Obama a prick.

Luke Angel 17, fresh from a boozy night watching a programme about 11^th September, rattled off a letter to the Whitehouse.

“I don’t remember exactly what I wrote as I was drunk. But I think I called Barrack Obama a prick. It was silly, the sort of thing you do when you’re a teenager and have had a few.”

Argh, the land of the free.

Unleash the puppies

Female lawyers have been told to remove their bras before entering a prison, as they set off the metal detectors.

Hassalt Prison in Belgium has a sensitive security system, which is easily triggered. Barrister Joseph Rowies explained, “The alarm goes off rather easily and prison staff apply the rules to the letter, so there is sometimes no alternative for women but to enter the prison without support.”

Wham bam, thank you Mr Big

George Michael received an eight week prison sentence this week for driving his Range Rover into a branch of Snappy Snaps whilst under the influence of prescription drugs and cannabis.

District Judge Perkins of London’s Highbury Corner Magistrates Court recommended the singer 47 serve a minimum half term with the other four weeks on license.

Georgio was also banned from driving for five years, fined £1,250, £100 costs and £15 victim’s surcharge.

The judge described his addiction to sleeping drug Amitriptyline and cannabis as, “A dangerous and unpredictable mix of something, which for you is dangerous given your record.”

Whilst frog-marched away to the prison van George whispered to a guard, If Your looking for Fast love, I’m Your Man, But I Won’t let Your Son Go Down On Me. His last words on entering the Big House were, ‘You can’t lock me up in the state’s closet because I have Freedom.

The screw turned and contacted authorities immediately, which can only mean one tune’ yes folks, back by popular demand, it’s that young lad from Manchester; Take it away Don Estelle…

(quick sponsor ad before the Don)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Don Estelle, born in Crumpsall, Manchester, buried in Rochdale, along with his over-sized pith helmet’

Take it away Don: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

‘fool, I can’t listen to your radio show, it stops me from working’ From; A paid member of public

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. ‘Tenpin?’ she asked, ‘No, permanent.’ I said.’

cf’s International quiz; Friday 17^th September @1900hrs – be there or you’ll be somewhere else.

If you’re looking for Brummies finest it’s gone to the trivia page – Play of the Day etc – it was getting a bit crowded here…more added this week!

Animal news

*News Flash* * News Flash* - We interrupt this Animal broadcast, as this is just in; The worst case of Foreign Accent Syndrome for 16 years has just broke out in Britain. 49 year-old Kay Russell went to bed with a migraine and woke up speaking…I can hardly bring myself to say it, but… FRENCH!

FAS effects 1 in 250million and there are only 60 reported cases in the world today. Kay, who owns a mere splattering of garlic says, “My facial muscle movements are different, the inclination is different and the pronunciation.”

Kay’s affliction also extends to her writing where she automatically says and writes ‘peoples’ instead of ‘people’.

If you see Kay, nod sincerely, sympathise, but wherever possible try to avoid conversation.

And now back to Animal news;

*Australian nurse Vicki Lowing 53 keeps crocodiles as pets and has done for 30 years. She believes Johnnie (a 5ft girl) is psychic. “The way she looks at me sometimes, I know she’s trying to tell me something.” – Get closer Vicki, you’re probably going deaf!

*Selbourne Road, Luton, has the most spiders in Britain – fact.

*Back in Australia, and a lady from the Great Moscow Circus has been banned from regurgitating her fish as it’s cruel. Glenys Oogjies from the local tree hugging society said, “Far from educational, this was an inhumane and foolish act which reflected on the Moscow Circus.” – Vicki, if you can hear this, ask Johnnie to talk some sense into her will you.

*Two Aussies arrested for stealing a 5ft python called Boris from a pet shop in Melbourne then spent the afternoon wrestling it in a McDonald’s car park were described by Detective Sergeant Andrew Beans as, “In all honesty, it’s a case of dumb and dumber.’ – Do you swallow that!

*Australian research has found bats have regional accents. ‘Alright Chuck’. Brad Law from the Forest Science Centre said in order to keep tabs on these creatures, “We need to improve our ability to reliably distinguish between species that have commonly shared call features and we must increase the spread of call identification.” - As quoted in the latest edition of Forest NSW Bush Telegraph Magazine. – Exciting times, Brad.

Number crunching

*The world’s hottest chili’s been broken again; a British firm smashed their old record by 10%. Called the infinity Chili, it knocks out 1,172,182 on the Scoville Scale. Fire Foods in Grantham Lancs says it comes with health warnings, ‘May be hot’.

*To stay in Jimi Hendrix’ last address before he came into fool’s back garden and ultimately his play ‘It is Him’, costs £399 a night for two people. The converted London house, now a hotel, also throws in his favourite Smokehead scotch and breakfast.

*If you’re keen to sell a kidney you can get £30k off a Middle Eastern buyer via a Russian agent – sssh.

*Shops in Russia in the bush fire region of Volgograd have stopped selling alcohol between the hours of 8-9a.m. as too many people are driving to work drunk.

*The longest table in the world seats 2,700. It sits in Buso, near Parma, Italy and is 1,750metres long. It was put together in only 20 days after two pals had a bet.

*29 year-old Jennifer Gille got in a cab in Covington, Louisiana and asked to be taken to Michigan 1,200 miles away. When the cabbie refused, she protested by taking all her clothes off. He then drove her to a police station where he absent-mindedly left the keys in the car. She drove off in the car, but only managed a few hundred yards before falling asleep on the back seat. Police believe she may have been on some kind of George Michael.

Ok, lastly, the Air Sex World Competition kicks off in October in New York. Similar to air guitar, the host Chris Trew says the judges are looking for a plan, and should include the meet, seduction, foreplay and intercourse.

“If you’re having sex with a goat, then I want to see you stroking its horns. I want that goat to be turned on.”

fool’s a goat

hey goat!

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz