Crazy Fool's Newsround - 10th - 16th October '08 volume 302

10th - 16th October '08 volume 302
October, 16th 2008 05:55 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: 1642 - midday: First ship mate Ivor Rowlock and able seaman fool are the only survivors of a shipwreck off the South American coast, two leagues north of the Rio Orinoco. In a makeshift boat; the scooped out shell of a leatherback turtle; they bob helplessly on the ebb and fro of the tide and await a fate that lies for them on an unknown shore.

Ivor: Damned hot fool

fool: Aye

Narrator: Willem Defoe’s ‘Unfinished Works’ was read to you by a horse called Nelly… That’s it fool. The quiz and I’m off.

1. In what century was Robinson Crusoe stranded on ‘his’ island?

2. What is the only English anagram of PROCREATION?

3. What is prase?

4. Phagophobia is the fear of what?

5. Which world magazine was conceived by DeWitt Wallace?

6. Asuncion is the capital of which country?

7. In which Melbourne suburb was Dame Edna Everage brought up?

8. What is the world’s most populous predominantly Muslim country? A) Pakistan B) Indonesia C) Saudi Arabia

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (just hit the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Some duggery’s of the skulls surrounded this episode as past masters joined in cahoots, to form what was only described as, ‘using resources’, as opposed to, and, what was by all airs and differences simply asking somebody else for the answer, which has to be said is ok, well done Dracule – here were the clues that founded The Fine Young Cannibals’, Rowland Gift: clue No.1: “Unlikely to win a look-alike competition but there’s no doubt I probably gave one of the better versions from the King’s repertoire.” Clue No. 2: “Eating other folk maybe fine with me, but I’ll never be the young king.” – And lo, Môn petit Peculiar Clarke’s, unto thy new-un; Clue No.1: “It be booty I’m bound for and bugger the consequences of any man that stands in my way, for with my ribbons in my hair I’m a God awful sight.”

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 38 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those putting the kettle on; milk and one sugar please…

Dracule: 18 (1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 12 (1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 5 (1 or 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown…there has to be others!

Quote for the week:

Marjorie Dawes: Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat? Low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It’s actually very low in fat. You can have as much as you like.

Little Britain

*Non-descript trivia moment*

WINDS

Tramontana…Northerly

Greco…North-easterly

Levante…Easterly

Sirocco…South-easterly

Ostro…Southerly

Libeccio…South-westerly

Ponente…Westerly

Maestro…North-westerly

fool’s Gold

40% of the world’s newspapers are printed on paper from Canada’s forests

When offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name

Dr Seuss wrote Green Eggs and Ham after his editor dared him to write a book using fewer than 50 different words

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…

This week it's another quote by anonymous. I don't know who anonymous is but he has sure had a lot of great quotes over the years.

"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be"

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Presumers – people who presume stuff. People who presume a hearty hello in the morning is pleasant, people who think its fun to talk on the phone, people who presume you like or know what they like, people who presume you’d prefer fresh tomatoes as opposed to plum tinned, people who..oh what the... – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; good food, good meat, good God let’s eat:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; dares not to delve this week as there’s SFA

*Trigger: Have a look at his stable on facebook – you better you better you bet.

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Nov!

*Tit-bits – .../...A Muslim was seated next…/…A man in a taxi…/…I just read an article…/…Well…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – Loreto looms you loons

Mr. Meaner... what’s it all about…Alfie?

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

The UK and Europe just exploded as cup games detonated all over the place last weekend, from the north of bonnie Jock-land, through the bombing country in the Basque and onto Italy’s big toe – and that’s before the internationals arrive in November!

In the Heineken Cup Wasps handed Castres a three try challenge ending in a 25-11 win. The back three got the tries, in; Sackey, Voyce and Cipriani fed Lewsey for the third to which they both celebrated with a bout of shadow boxing, which was apt enough seen as Lewsey knocked out Danny at midweek training with a nice thump, such is the intensity of this competition, Shaun Edwards told us how it is: “It’s Heineken Cup week. There’s always a fight in Heineken Cup week.”

Toulouse beat Bath 18-16 with Nick Abendanon scoring in the 79^th minute to make it 16-15 in Bath’s flavour. Butch James missed the kick and a couple of seconds later Skrela kicked yet another boot to clinch the match. Butch sighed after the game; “We played for 79 minutes and 59 seconds and lost our concentration and it cost us the win.” – You mean, you did!

Holders, Munster, with a u, held on by the skin of their teeth 19-17 to competition minnows Montauban. The Irish were good then bad then fell asleep, whilst the French outsiders on 300-1 for the trophy played with coolness, intensity and were unlucky to lose. No, that’s Montauban!

Munster will have to pick up their game when they travel to Sale next week, because the team based in Manchester whopped Clermont 32-15 in Auvergne. It wasn’t pretty, but they got four tries, all in the first 20 minutes and played a mix of ELV and old school. The French forwards may have been bullish but it was Sale who came away with five points.

Gloucester bopped the world’s premier seaside resort side; Biarritz 22-10. Mike Tindall believes the Cherry Blossoms can go all the way in this comp but Australian born Biarritz coach Jack Isaac reckons the ref was abysmal and the 18-7 penalty count proved it. He didn’t deny his side’s lack of discipline or poor execution but did say, “I feel it cost us a bonus point.”

Leicester looked as though were going to pile on the points over Ospreys but only managed to sneak it in a try-less game 12-6. Henson had to sit that game out and next weeks too, for throwing his teddy and missing training after someone told him some home truths – probably that Cipriani is the new celeb and he’s old news. Anyway, Toby Flood made yet another step towards the English No.10 position – should be a good ding-dong between those two.

And lastly Stade Francais notched up yet another win, this time over Ulster 26-10. Paddy Wallace had a dogged game in the centre and looks good for an Irish spot come November. So too did French Under 20 player Mathieu Bastareaud – he’s a right one.

In the European Challenge Cup the English clubs romped home with emphatic victories: Sarries smashed Mont-de-Marsan 53-3 with another Under 20 player looking for a spot, but this time with England – look out for Noah Cato. – Not now Cato…now!

Parma beat Brive 34-29 – is this cheese and wine tasting or rugby! – And Bourgan beat Bacuresti 21-10. Bristol came out guns a blazing but went down three tries to two 33-15 against Montpellier. Connaught played a good game to beat Dax 30-12, whilst Bayonne were done by Italy’s Viadana 21-10. Perpignan missed a bonus point to their group minnows Trevisio 27-16. And Cardiff Blues thumped Calvisano with 8 tries at 56-20 – I’m sorry, that’s the Heineken – as too is this: Edinburgh 16-27 Leinster – four tries and a bonus point, all in the first half; Andy Robinson said his side’s play was unacceptable, and Rocky Elsom got man of the match. Back to the ECC; London Irish notched up the highest ever European score at 78-3 over Rovigo; whilst Newcastle wasn’t far behind with their 63-0 win over Spanish Champs El Salvador. The Dragons took apart the Glasgow Warriors 32-22 and the Scarletts squandered a 19-3 lead to lose to Quins 29-23 – Nick Easter showing good skills there. And lastly Worcester beat Padova 55-6 with Latham snatching a hat-trick, with other tries coming from Kiwi’s Greg Rawlinson and Sam Tuitupou and home growns Grove and Fellows.

Was it necessary to put all in one paragraph?

Way down low, far beyond reality and somewhere near the ice sheets of Antarctica I believe, the Kiwi’s are playing the Air New Zealand Cup and Southland battered the Bay of Plenty 45-11. That puts them in the semi’s against Wellington. TeWhare got two and Jimmy Cowan played a decisive role.

The Lions did their jobby by ousting Taraniki 50-30, with perhaps the scoreline a little over flattering. Cory Jane took two tries and is most definitely knocking on the door come November. Nonu, Weepu and Hosea Gear finished off the rest with Ripiui doing the boot. Both Waldrom brothers had good games on either side.

Some shorts:

New Zealand will play the New Zealand Barbarians before they head off to Hong Kong and Europe. And Justin Marshall has warned Carter that his sabbatical at Perpignan in December is not going to be a holiday, he said, “You have to meet the players, you don’t know anybody, you don’t know who likes to play golf or who likes to go for a coffee. “ – Golf…coffee – get off my page.

Let’s get back to duffing people up; when Lewsey KO’d Cipriani over a training scuffle about some missed tackles, everyone applauded it and was pleased it was the backs for a change. Even Matt Rogers gave his two-bobs worth when he said, “I’ve taken a fair few hits in my time, but that one was like getting run over (2003 World Cup final). I think that hit will take the crown as the biggest ever. I just remember lying there writhing in pain, unable to breathe. I couldn’t go surfing for months as my rib was sticking out on the board.” – It is good to see the middleweights go at it.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had one taker – it could be you!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

India fended off the Australians last day onslaught where they declared on 228-6 and 293 runs ahead, which was always going to be tricky to get in 83 overs.

But it had its moments on a wicket-less wicket with Ponting securing a maiden ton with 123 on day one, and when the Australians stumbled from 99-2 to 128-5 on day 4 Watson and Haddin put in a 65 stand to breathe relief.

India were also helped by a couple of un-likely’s in the shape of Zaheer Khan who hit a 57* and the ever stoic Harbingher Singh who nabbed a 54 with the willow.

Sachin found himself 15 runs shy of Lara’s record when he hit 49 in his second innings and Zaheer and Johnson bowled well on 5-91 and 4-70 respectfully, but if you want to hand out accolades, throw them in Hussey’s direction because his 177 runs in the first Test put him back on top of the ICC rankings. The 33-year-old Hussey said, “You need a bit of luck along the way but I guess for me it took me a long time to get into the Australian team so I want to make the most of every opportunity. I have never taken it for granted.” – At least he didn’t mention God – I thought he was going to for a minute.

Stanford’s millions are back on and Peter Moores is playing down the fact that the match is all about money, but is projecting the necessity for momentum, which seems to be their key word at the moment, as they lead up to next years Ashes, where every game is a step closer.

But no-one told Collie; “It’s a situation we’ve never been in before. We’re not playing for the Ashes or the World Cup, it’s purely for money.”

Even the programmes are ₤200 a piece. But imagine just being in the squad, not playing and winning and you get to share ₤570k between four!

Beefy’s pissed off with the Sri Lankans and says the two Tests next summer in England will be a farce. The Sri Lankans are sending a second string outfit, as 13 of their top players are going to the more lucrative IPL League.

Beefy says, “If I were totally honest, I feel it is a total waste of time.” – And stressed that when England wanted to send a weakened side to the ICC Championship they were threatened with a fine.

Let’s get back to Warney and his top 100; he said the hardest thing was who to leave out, equally one of the hardest things was to put Sri Lankan Arjuna Ranatunga in; “I tried every which way to leave him out. He doesn’t play the game in the right spirit. He told the umpire where he could stand, ordered his players off the field, got a runner on at least three or four occasions where nothing was wrong with him. He’d be rubbing one leg, by the time the physio came back out; it had switched to the other! He milked the system, but he was a bloody good player – and it annoyed me to put him in! And he gave Sri Lanka a winning culture which they have built on.” – You said it Warney

Till next week…

Other sports:

Vitali Klitschko duffed up Nigerian Samuel Peter quite convincingly for the WBC heavyweight title and is as happy as Larry because, well, as he says, “My dream was to be world champion at the same time. Wladimir and I have done it, but we will never fight.” – Wlad, his brother, holds the IBF and WBO titles.

Don King is now offering Lennox Lewis 43 ₤25m to bash up the Vit and said, “What a triumph that would be for us old guys.” – Looney.

Question for you Dr. Phil – Who is Larry and come to think of it Riley too?

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Not a lot this week, as it’s been a bit hectic, but what I have has some kind of animal theme, for some strange reason:

A huge catfish called a goonch has been killing people after feeding off corpses that are thrown into the river after funerals. The Great Kali flows on the border of India and Nepal and Jeremy Wade who’s making a TV programme about the monsters recently landed one at 161lb and nearly 6ft long. There have been many eye-witness accounts of people gone missing, such as a 17 year-old Nepalese boy who was cooling off when witnesses said he was suddenly pulled below the surface. Jeremy concluded that, “If that got hold of you, there’d be no getting away.” – Yikes, that’s it, get a bigger boat or we’re not going.

goonch that!

Remember the croc that took Brit, Arthur Brooker in Aus the other week, well, they caught it and an X-ray showed a wedding ring in its belly – who sang that: ‘Since you’ve been gone all that’s left is a band of gold, all that’s left of the dreams I hold, is a band of gold and the memories…’

Back on dry land, where it’s as equally unsafe, Ranger, Rudi Lorist got himself attacked by a lioness in the Kruger National Park South Africa. He and eight tourists spotted the cat as she was nursing her cubs, they gave them a wide berth, but she still wasn’t happy – not like Larry. When he realised he was in trouble he fired two warning shots, to no avail, and it launched, leaving him with bite marks on both arms and scratches on his face, she then bolted. One of the tourists was a doctor and helped him till the medics arrived in a chopper. Other rangers hunted down the mum and shot it because she was supposedly injured, which makes you wonder about the warning shots. Wouldn’t that be good though; safari’s where you know one person might not come back – modern day gladiators - I bet you could sell those kind of trips.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVV! “I worry that the person who thought up muzak might thinking up something else.” Lily Tomlin

News recorded from the satellite, Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, this week published in the journal Nature Geoscience said that the Martian atmosphere is 20C warmer above the south pole than expected during winter – hang on, that’s even making me yawn, where’s the sex stories?

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “Right now I’m having amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

If blokes are single and want not to be then they should get dancing. Just like the birds and animals, chicks love a ‘courtship ritual’. From the side shuffle of ‘dad dancing’ to shape throwing aka John Travolta stylee psychologist Dr Peter Lovett from Herts University said its all ok, however, he also warned; “Arms and legs flying all over the place were very unattractive.” – Bang goes my chances.

Here’s a dance for you: the centuries old Royal Zulu Reed Dance where the king gets to pick his wives from thousands of dancing virgins clad only in beads and a short fringed skirt is under threat from pervy tourists who are taking close up snaps of the girls bums. King Goodwill Zwelithini suggests the girls wear sarongs or at least underwear and said the event, “is not for looking at maiden’s bottoms.” – Well actually, it is, isn’t it?

Now, I’ve toyed with this one on the grounds of bugle blowing, but then thought, fuck, I’ve always done that so here it is; Aussie front bencher Tony Abbot says Australia needs to re-shape its history classes; “People have got to know where we came from, they’ve got to know about the ideas that shaped the modern world, and in a very significant sense, the modern world has been made in England.” – So, Yanks, that means you didn’t win the Battle of Britain, find the Enigma code or create your own bloody language – yo dig it!

Lastly Joey Chestnut 24 ate 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes to become the US scoffing champ. - He also woofed down 93 hamburgers in eight minutes in Chattanooga, Tennessee. - But yo did invent fast food!