"Doctor Doctor I can't feel my legs."  "I know son, during the night we had to amputate both your arms!"

As it says.

Probably...not necessarily thee, but probably one of the oldest jokes in the world, but was it really a disappointment? Was it? Eh?...Eh? A disappointment can be disappointing but enough to leave despondency in the aching regions for an eon? To be slung with the bathwater and gargled down the slush bucketless hole forever? cf's intro from Jimi is the longest he's used in the 85 years of cfn broadcasting and although that's got nothing to do with the price of eggs he's still going to crack on in the same vein as the cruddy joke he opened with - the bastard! And he'll chuckle, and you'll probably be disappointed, but that's life; Doctor: "We've got some good news and some bad news." Patient: "‘Ok...What's the bad news?" Doc: "Well during the night we had to amputate both of your legs." Patient: "Wow..." Doc: "But the good news is that the bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your slippers."

So without further disappointment here are the head scratchers:

1. Which member of ‘The Young One's' said of Cliff Richard, ‘Such a disappointment to a girl.'?

2. Vichy is famous for which drink?

3. Which London bridge opens upwards to let tall ships through?

4. What, according to the proverb, breeds contempt?

5. Who owns the Sydney Harbour Casino?

6. What is another name for a Yam?

7. Frigophobia is the fear of being what?

8. What are the three most frequently used letters in the English language?

Tommy's been on a bender these last few weeks (That's his personal concern, and we don't need to know anymore thank you!), but he says he could be back this week...only on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ is our Tommy - rock on.

In the WHO AM I? Well, it's a shambles really - isn't it! You think I give a rat's arse? Clue # smelty, and for a special treat I'll write it in Arabic this week: "ض ّف ك س ت ءئ ذ د مق" I hope that doesn't offend anybody.

Is it me?

Riding high on the crest of cf's wave this week is that there Pacharan and his Tapas and Bodega. Snuggling up and keeping all the gang very comfortable are GTM, Fosters, Blue Gecko, Bootlace Holidays, Vasco's and new boy on the block this week is Inkslinger Tattoo's- check that dude out.

Running up their usual, and priceless cost of print this week are *Digger...hang on, I'll just check to see if he's back from the Bahamas yet...yeah, he's back and he talk all funny man ja movement of ja people. And he say som'ink abou' he don' like cricket! Meanwhile *Trigger's keeping his hooves on an even keel - check out your odds this week. A new poem is promised in *Poetry corner. Offerings are a plenty in *Grub-Up. *Tit-bits, with no tits (well, maybe some small one's?). And more, more and more. And for fuck's sake will someone drag *Jimmy the Fish and those *Bongo Massif Bro's outta Suzie Wong's dollar-a-pop show. They've got a gig to do!

Right, rugby now, and that's gotta be disappointing eh! England: Disappointing. Australia: Disappointing. France: Disappointing. GBR (League): Disappointing. Romania: A land of vampires!

Shit!

But let's start with England; and as they notched up their seventh loss on the trot you'd be accused of being certifiable in thinking any thing other than that they are crap. But, and although the stats say it is their worst run since 19 o'Chocolate, have the wheels really fallen off their chariot yet?

I'll get back to that. In the meantime listen to what Andy ‘Robbo' Robinson had to say on it all, "The booing was right last week, the players understand and except it."

In fact it was captain Corry who really took it on the chin, and well, so he should, he's the captain. But there's obviously something wrong, and ultimately it's the player's job to perform. Robbo summed it up when talking about England's, and has to be said, good defence, but absolute dire attack; "We need to be able to make decisions on the hoof."

For now, Robbo's still got his job, and Rob Andrew, to a degree, is backing him, he said, "When the series is over (4 Tests) we will review everything - the coaching, the players, the results. I believe there is a clear issue in terms of players taking more responsibility. They are making too many mistakes."

Dewi Morris, ex England No.9 said although Robbo is his mate, and he won his first game with fella, he has to go. He calls him, "A great No.2 but a bad No.1." - I thought that Wagner fella was No.2!

Who does No.2 work for?

There's 7 changes this week, some tactical some on the back of the Club v country outcome. S.A. will be humming. England will beat them. If they don't Brian Ashton is favourite for Robbo's job. By the way Robbo's still 6-4 on by Ladbrokes to still be in charge come the Six nations.

Another by the way; in 2003 England had ₤87m, now they have ₤83m. RFU CEO Francis Baron said, "A run of poor results affects all parts of the game."

Another by the way; cf's still taking bets on an England win for 2007 world cup! That's gotta be certifiable eh?

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Australia were equally as bad in their scraping of a win over Italy, but their papers were far more damning. The Sydney Morning Herald; "Australia got away with it somehow, but they weren't convincing. For most of the game they played abominable, aimless football. What an infuriating performance. For long stretches of play it was just dreadful." - Infuriating!

They'll do well to beat Ireland this Sunday. And as Dennis Leamy said of the Irish' performance last week after their rout of the Boks; "Somebody said afterwards in the dressing room that was the most complete display from and Ireland side in years."

And did France play last week?

Remember, New Zealand are 10 months out of the world cup. In the Tri Nations before the last world cup they put 50 points on both the Boks and Australia and went on to lose to the Aussies in that right turn about of a semi. Should they get complacent? Or is it as Graham Henry said, "I'm very happy with our game. Our only problem is who to pick."

The Taffy's take them on soon and Adam Jones, Wales' prop said he had to turn off the T.V. during last week's Froggie whopping because he started to ‘panic'.

GBR got a right royal rubbing by New Zealand in the league and just as shocking was the shock exit of GBR's Sean Long. On Monday he just got up and went home! They play Australia on Saturday! He blamed it on being tired and missing his pregnant wife. He said, "I realised after the Wellington Test that I was physically and mentally fatigued and had nothing more to contribute. There is no more petrol in the tank." - Rumour has it he got drunk fell out with boss Brian Noble and got into a fight. He's a league-ie, I'll go for option 2.

And now this...

Ok, let's have a slice of cricket eh: And another Brit has gone home with fatigue - mental fatigue - oh no, he's just mental! - Argh, now let's be fair, cf aint into picking on the nut nuts - he's one himself. Ok once he said that Stressco had had previous altercations with a Pakistani cab driver...ok, he said it twice! But as Stressco himself put it; "When you start to fall out of love with something you've been in love with for years it's a bit scary." - So are bearded ladies!

Tresco locked in the toilet

It effectively means Cook will go up the order and Collingwood will come in the middle order, which all sounds rather good, and quite frankly all to order. Bloke down the pub informs me that Ed Joyce, didn't he write Ulysses? Ed Joyce will come in as sub. Personally I thought fat face Key would've got the nod personally, as a person...pers... he's a far better sledger than Ed.

Ed?

On the paddock the war of words came to a head in the England XIIII v N.S.W. XIIII When an obviously bilingual supporter shouted to Monty, "Give us a wave, Monty. You can't speak English, you stupid Indian. I'll have to say it in Indian. What are you doing in the English side? You're not English." - Do you think he said it in Indian?

On the actual game front England and N.S.W. rattled up a run-tastic draw, with it has to be said, England finally looking threatening. Old hats KP, Freddie and Harmy brushed a few cobwebs, as KP said, "With all the criticism we've taken over the first two days here, it's been a 180 degree swing. The boys did fantastically against possibly four of the bowlers we could face in the Ashes."

Geraint's got the nod over Read, a decision Warney doesn't agree with. Warney, along with probably 90% of anxious minds, also believes Monty's the man for an attack spin on things, although he does see Giles' oomph, as he says of it, "Ashley Giles can hold a bat and we've seen him at the Oval (last summer) and at various times make some handy runs. But in these conditions Monty Panesar is a very dangerous and attacking bowler - he can be a match-winner."

Anderson has the nod over Mood. Bloke down the pub says bollocks, he's shit. cf says he'll do a good job.

Back to Warney, and he hasn't got much time for his own boss, let alone England's, Duncan Fletcher. Warney's still miffed at the Fletch' on and off rantings when it suits him. Referring to the ICC trophy last month Warne said, "It suits him to say it means something when they have won, but when they get smashed it doesn't. He needs to get his rationale right. I believe there is no relevance in one-day and Test form, but it's better to win."

It was Geraint who caught Kaspo with two to win at Edgbaston.

Here's a few words I read about Cook on his old school teacher, the legendary, Derek Randell; "You used to watch Randell when you were in your classroom and he was out on the wicket in his whites pretending he was facing Lillee and Jeff Thompson. He would be playing cover drives, running fours, dodging imaginary bouncers with no one else in sight at 9 o'clock in the morning. He was as mad as you could possibly get, but he didn't think anything of it." - Gotta love the nut nuts.

Derek

Catch more Ashes talk on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ coming soon.

Meanwhile in the world of chic James Bond's boss M was nearly a lesbian in the new film Casino Royale (with cheese - stop saying that...no). According to director Martin Cameran she nearly had a toyboy too. Daniel Craig, alias James said, "M bedding a woman, that's Martin's idea. What's good is that she is in bed with somebody, because it shows she has a life." - And nearly a wife at that!

James always carries protection

Jean Preston 77 was having a bit of a dust around in the spare room of her 2-bed terrace and came across a couple of old paintings slung behind the door. A couple of paintings 15inches by 5inches of a couple of saints painted by a bloke called Fra Angelico back in 1439. He did eight in total to make a set. Six found themselves in museums around the world and two ended up in Jeans spare room. Their worth ₤1m - That wouldn't be too disappointing.

Not by Fra but Hitler!

Kylie's on tour again but wants to be a hippie chick. She said, "I dream of that kind of thing sometimes when I want to release that earthy Australian hippy. Get a tent, go out to learn to catch a wave, be an Aussie chick." - Mate, with a peach like that you can be any kind of chick you want.

An Aussie hippie

Right, what else in the larder?...Ok, the world's most expensive house is ₤74m. It has 103 rooms, and it's in Surrey, S.E. England. It has 5 swimming pools, mosaics of 24karat gold and enough marble to cover Milan! There're 13 bedroom suites and enough parking for 200 cars.

It's no where near here

Its called ‘Updown Court' Property developer Leslie Allen-Verco bought it 5 years ago with his business partner for ₤8m and spent ₤40m doing it up. Here's what he said, "The plumbing and wiring alone cost ₤6m and the marble contract came to over ₤2m. More than 150 tradesmen have worked on the house. We arranged for a team of 24 marble layers to come from Italy. They were here so long they opened their own Italian restaurant in the grounds."  - It'll do for a country house.

It's here.

Ok, lastly boffs from Stirling University have worked out that Ricky Gervais has the ideal comic face. They say, ‘its soft feminine features make it pally.' And ‘People like a look that's friendly and are more likely to find that person funny.' Ricky remarked, "All these years I thought my global success as a comedian was down to my acute observations, expert directional rendering and consummate skills as a performer. Turns out it's because I've got a fat girly face."

Don't be disappointed.

cf