10th - 16th June 2011 volume 436
June, 15th 2011 13:42 PM

“Angels with dirty faces

Angles from nowhere places”

(Sham 69)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lass – The One Without Thea

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 16.6.11                                           

For Elements of: 7 Air Assault Battalion Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

The man with no name… except Chris!

A man whose application to patent himself as God has been turned down by the District Court of Minnesota in Ohio.

 

Chris Roller 43, a former US navy nuclear engineer wrote to the government office saying, ‘Chris Roller wants exclusive rights to the ethical use and financial gain in the use of Godly powers on planet Earth.’

 

A spokesman from the courts said he was rejected on the grounds that it was, ‘beyond the jurisdiction of this court or any court on Earth.’

 

Unperturbed, Chris revealed on his website how back in 1999, ‘millions of spirits entered me’, and, how he came to ‘hold heaven’ then eventually ‘hold hell’ - a trait he later explained can be the paradoxical outcome of consuming too many spirits.

 

‘Some may think I am Jesus, others may consider me Buddha, Mohammed, God, Messiah, saviour etc’ He went on to explain, but for now he will be plain old Chris.

 

However, had he tried the Vietnam branch of heavenly authority he would most definitely be called Christ, on account of a pronunciation discrepancy.


God bait

A south sea island tribe celebrated the 90th birthday of Prince Philip this week, as he is revered of as God in their country.

 

 The Yaohnanen tribe of the island Tanna in Vanuatu consider Philip to have been born from the spirit of a local volcano called Yasur. Legend tells a white man then travelled overseas and married a powerful monarch, but will one return to the island of Tanna.

 

The nearest the Queen and Prince Philip ever got to Tanna was the New Hebrides in 1974 when the then island’s Chief rowed out to greet them.

 

Chief Jack has since died, however his grandson Chief Siko is sure Philip will return soon, ‘He is originally from Tanna.’ Chief Siko said, ‘He was born here and is a spirit being. We are sure that one day he will come back, and when he does we will organise a Toka dance for him.’

 

The Prince was said to have politely declined the offer stating he likes his meat firmly between two his own two veg and not two slices of someone else’s bread.


Twisted fate

A contortionist thief who hides in people’s luggage has finally been caught in the act in Spain.

 

Polish nationals Krzysztof Grzegorz and Jouoastaw K have been performing their double act of looting airport luggage by riding on the cargo bus to the terminal, with Krzysztof folded inside a suitcase and Jouoastaw disguised as a casual holiday maker.

 

Security guards became suspicious at Gerona airport when a man was struggling with his luggage at the carousel. Further investigation found the case to be warm and upon opening a 5ft 8inch man popped out holding a laptop and GPS system that didn’t belong to him.

 

A spokesman from the Catalan police said, ‘I believe this what the English call an open and shut case.’


 

 

He shoots…

The women’s football World Cup kicks off in Germany this month and to celebrate, the German team have posed in Playboy.

 

The semi clad athletes are pictured frolicking around a lakeside in soaked see-through attire in a bid to promote awareness to the beautiful game.

 

Although not members of the current squad, all the girls have represented their country at some time.

 

One of the footballers explained, ‘The message is, look, we are normal – and lovely – girls.’

 

And if that is the case then ex player and football pundit, Mick Shannon was right when he said, ‘Those German’s, they shoot on sight.’


Robots taking the strain

Intensity has escalated, as Vietnam and China clash horns regards ownership of a set of islands in the South China Sea.

 

In a compromise to ease tensions, officials have been invited to attend a Sex Culture Exhibition in China’s Shaanxi Province.

 

On display are life size sex robots complete with delicate silicon skin and muscles that move by remote control to simulate natural motion.

 

Inventor Li Jiang says the £3,000 5ft 5inch models can be modified to suit hair and eye colouring and are aimed at the high flying executive who is too busy to meet real women.

 

Li Jiang says, ‘We hope this alleviates tensions and no shots will be taken in anger.’


(Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘I shot the Sheriff wasn’t half a bad tune if not slightly over played, but thank heavens not as much as Hotel California. However, it isn’t half as funny as the ‘funny’ my mate sent me years ago of a capital S with a bullet through the projection off the end and a caption stating, ‘I shot the serif’. Nevertheless it got me thinking about songs with shooting in them and Hey Joe immediately shot to mind, as did Nirvana, ACDC and there’s probably countless country and western, but for the life of me I can’t think of any right now, especially not before my morning marmite, but I digress, for it was the last linkage of semi clad German women footballers and Chinese imitating goals that had us raptured in this week’s dribblings of entertainment, and with that we’ll see what kind of Jam we can n the song in the middle bit…

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘Got any Quo?’ Francis Rossi


Wedded bliss – see Number crunching

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman said, ‘we’ve got a drink named after you.’ The horse said, ‘what? Eric?’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity



crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*It was Montana’s 7th annual Testicle Festival this week, where punters could gorge on as many bulls’ testies and drink as much Crown Royal whiskey they could get down their gullet for $20.00. Meanwhile this week also saw the World Naked Bike Ride, which took part in 50 cities. Riders are encouraged to ‘bare as you dare’, but be careful as you cycle past Arlington Montana as you might end up as cowboy caviar.

 

*Not gonna tell you about the geese who wear scandals, not the geese that surf; because frankly it ain’t interesting.

 


Number crunching


 

*The world’s most pierced woman got married in Scotland this week. Elaine Davidson dons 7000 piercings with 192 on her face alone. She has 1,500 attached internally, seriously, where does she put them all? Despite the 3kg weight she says she never removes them nor has a restless night sleep. To add colour to her traditional white wedding dress the 46 year old painted her face green, blue and yellow. Groom, Douglas Watson 60 said, ‘People see the piercings, but I see the amazing personality underneath.’

 

*To celebrate the Smurf’s new film a Spanish village painted its houses blue. All 250 inhabitants of Juzcar in Andalucia agreed to have their houses painted, which used 4,200 litres of paint. 12 local unemployed men were drafted into help with the work. Surely the Smurfs would have done it quicker, there’s thousands of them; what would they get… probably a couple of thousand comfortably to a house.

 

*66 year-old Bruce Masters has reached number 45,000 on his British pub crawl. He started back in 1960 and reckons to have covered around million miles, consuming approximately 25,000 locally brewed ales. His favourites are still his locals in Flitwick Bedfordshire, the Bumble Bee and the Swan. He’s not giving up yet, saying, ‘There are still a great many pubs I have not been to yet. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.’

 

*Chinese Telecom worker Wang Kang turned up for work this week in his home made Iron Man suit. The 50kg suit made of high density foam and wires and tubes took him three months to make and he said, bosses praised him and women fell in love with him.

 

*Atheists in Arkansas are disputing the bill imposed on them for advertising on local buses. The slogan reads ‘Are you good without God? Millions are’. The ad generally costs $5000 but an insurance policy of $36000 has been slapped on, in case Christians start rioting.

 

*Naked Irish rower Keith Whelan was rescued 206km’s off west Australia’s Geralton coast after a wave knocked him over and he took a bang on the head. He was on his way to Mauritius 3,700km’s away trying to raise cash for Keep Children Alive, a HIV/ Aids programme. A Japanese fishing boat picked him after mistaking him for a whale, only smaller. ‘At first I thought it was complete madness, but then at the same time it appealed to me.’ Said the naked Irishman, ‘I am a risk taker and risking your life to achieve a dream is the biggest risk you can take.’ – Try rowing past Montana.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

p.p.s. sport is back – good one this week – (and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 


Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 


 

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