Crazy Fool's Newsround - 10th - 16th July 09 volume 338

10th - 16th July 09 volume 338
July, 16th 2009 14:50 PM

V.338

“You say you want a revolution, well, you know we all want to change the world You tell me that its evolution Well, you want to change the world But when you talk about destruction Don’t you know you can count me out Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright, all right, all right”

(The Beatles)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning)

Plus the radio show – with a new look

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is placing the basket under the French revolutionary’s Robespierre’s head, as he lowers himself on the guillotine’s table, whilst Franz Joseph Haydn is recording his unfinished symphony No.102 in 1794…

fool: Would you me like me to pickle you?

Robespierre: archghh!

Narrator: Well… Franz…Franz?

Gotta keep ahead

1. What is the date of Bastille Day?

2. The Rumba originated in which country?

3. Where do the cartoon Simpsons live?

4. According to the saying, what is, ‘nine points of the law’?

5. Vichy is famous for what drink?

6. What colour is the shade of jonquil?

7. In snooker what colour ball scores the least?

8. If someone is peregrinating, what are they doing? A) Swooping down on something B) Travelling from place to place C) Complaining about something

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – It’s still not Sean Connery. Here’s clue No.1 again, “I’m neither American nor contemplating how a long hot summer just passed me by.” And Clue No.2 “I didn’t go solo, nor go back to the States. I just jammed on my own.” - Now, Clue No.3; “I’ll make it easy; I’m neither Paul Weller nor Stuart Copeland!”

Is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page. – Should have a sub-comp soon.

Scores at the end of week 27 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those on the edge, just hold on to this for me…oh:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Thelma Todd: If icky baby don’t learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy.

Groucho: If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat

The Marx Brother (Horse Feathers)

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME ROMAN DIETIES

Cupid…love, desire

Jupiter…ruler of the Gods

Victoria…victory

Salacia…sea, salt

Vulturous…east wind

fool’s Gold

Robert De Niro worked 12 hour shifts as a New York taxi driver in preparation for starring in Taxi Driver

The real first name of actress Sigourney Weaver is Susan

Hollywood’s greatest male star according to an American Film Institute poll was Humphrey Bogart

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Bastard useless Britain and people who say they’re, ‘delighted’. Let’s start with the ‘delighters’; some bloke said he’d be ‘delighted’ the other day on a radio quiz if he were to top the score of a previous arse. To be ‘delighted’ is an expression that covers the middle ground of an apparently non-existent middle-class system that is quite clearly out of favour with the middle grades these days, so much so that the French citizen’s technique of revolutionary Robespierre would be proud to abolish any state of dominion in all categorical state of rank. Any tosh, this bloke cradled within his conduct of rapture in a fragrant-less contentment possessing neither a ravished rejoice of fullness nor a vexed acceptance of over joy, but merely a mediocre acknowledgment of mild gratification, Which is more than can be said of the paranoid, over-weighted conceitedness, always abroad the back foot of defensiveness that surrounds any type of customer service in wayward Britain. fool has been basking in Blighty’s ironic summer these past weeks and has come across nothing but the ill-defilement of bad manners and over pasteurised grunts. I only tried to buy a top up wifi-usb-thingy-majiggy and it didn’t work – the grief that followed was…well… - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The delight of not being folded up in a deck chair, nay a bicycle chain wrapped around my bonce nor nay even a flight of despair from either mods or rockers on Brighton beach the other day. I simply dined on fish n chips in a house on the beach front that Mr. Coutts, the Queen’s banker, had built for his wife so she could eat her favourite king prawns whilst looking out to sea back in 18 O’Chocolate. Argh, the bliss, however, I miss the mods and rockers.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Is that 9Dragons they’re drinking?

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Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; let alone boogie to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; brings forth round 15 and meanders about at round 16

*Trigger: trots on

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

OUT NOW

new and improved, with all the buttons – the pause, the play and slidy bit that gets you where you want to go… almost

Guest starring:

Olda Higden

Also available are the ‘oldies’ with One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - another new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits– .../…2,000 HP outboard inflatable…maybe!...think I’ve been too busy this week!/…/…/…

*Grub–Up –* New- New – new – NEW! –Brand new menu in crazy fool’skitchen/café – might have to take it off the menu as I reckon everyone’s about to copy it – last chance to have a look…maybe: – fool still recommends the Gazpacho

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

* Classifieds

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…get your feet back on the ground …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

- crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – the lazy git! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Great Lions shirts out now

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to the Marie Curie cancer charity

I’ll need a T-shirt

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

The New Rugby extra Bit can be found at the bottom of the categories list in B&I Lions tour – click on the blue text.

ALL Shorts again this week:

Published 16.7.09

World Cup Qualifier: Canada 41-18 USA:

The Cannucks didn’t necessarily make history, but were the first of the necessary qualifiers to qualify for the 2011 World Cup with a rout over Uncle Sam, who made their task harder after going down to 14 men after only ten minutes at Ellerslie Rugby Park, Edmonton.

Just in case you forgot; Canada will muscle up with New Zealand, France, Tonga and probably Japan in pool ‘A’. USA will have to have a fight with Uruguay to bed in with Australia, Ireland, Italy and the European’s second best qualifier. Captain of the Yanks; Pat Riordah was pleased with that; “We’re back on the big stage and it is really exciting, it means we can plan autumn Tests and we don’t have to go to Uruguay. The last World Cup we got close a couple of times and we have got two years to get ready.” – So get ready, get ready… - name that tune!

………………

The Currie Cup’s underway in MB-land, and the biggest turn up was Chris Jack’s opener for Western Province – he got a try in the first 22 seconds when Rory Kockett miscued a clearance kick, and the big fella pounced, nay jumped, nay, fell over on it. Willem de Waal kicked the rest of their points with a 29-15 win.

Sticking with the MB’s and Habana’s still undecided about where to go now his Blue Bulls contract is soon to be up. He’s had a look at Toulon, where Sgt. Wilko is hanging out, but President Maurad Boudjellel is not convinced he’s quite nabbed him yet; “There is nothing concrete. Interest is one thing. He is a very expensive player.”

The Little Bastard, as fool now calls him due to his uppity antics in their Lions kafuffle recently – the Little Bastard said, “Bayonne, Toulouse and Stade Francais have approached me but I’m giving myself two weeks to think about it.” – He’s ruled out England and Wales on account of it being to cold. And says he hasn’t ruled out staying in SA, but we all know that is just a lie, because I bet your bottom dollar he’ll be on the plane to Frog-land.

Meanwhile England’s newest MB club; Sarries, has been told to stop talking Afrikaans in training. And one of their only contracted surviving players from last year, Kiwi Glenn Jackson has been granted special leave to study at training camp for his international refereeing degree, after already completing the English RFU exams. – Does that mean he can play and ref at the same time, like a player/ manager?

John Smit is still trudging the hard yards of media diplomacy and a fucked up nations politics by defending the PdV fella… again! “In the 15 months he has coached us, not one reporter has ever quoted a player, even anonymously, as saying ‘de Villiers does not know what he is doing and that is because the viewers enjoy him.” – I really want to believe you Smitty, but it’s a tough call isn’t it.

…………………….

Gavin Hensen has quit all rugby.’ Then Gavin said ‘I’m never going to quit rugby, it’s my life.’ Gavin has been offered to play league for local Bridgend side Celtic Crusaders. Celtic. Gavin will no doubt to continue playing for Ospreys and justmisses the limelight. Gavin Hensen is still orange.

……………………….

Simon Shaw isn’t all in favour of Sir Clive Woodward in his new book out on 6^th August The Hard Yards. Simon was miffed he didn’t originally get the call up for the 2003 World Cup then he effectively took injured Danny Grewcock’s medal by not playing a minute in the whole tournament, due to his arse warming the bench. He said his best moment was sitting in the stands drinking Lucozade with ‘Ronnie’ Regan’s smuggled in vodka. He says of Woodward being ‘non confrontational’, ‘paranoid’, ‘an accolade taker’ and a ‘control freak’. When Shaw asked Lions and Wasps fitness coach (His club side for about 45 years) Craig White how things were when he joined the disastrous Lions tour to New Zealand, he replied, “‘don’t ask, it’s a fucking nightmare.’ I want to go home.” – Simon Shaw doesn’t like Clive Woodward in The Hard Yards.

………………

But that’s enough of the shite; we’ve got the Tri Nations coming up, and although the Lotte saga has wiped an edge off the happy Wallaby camp they’ve still got a potential tournament winning team on their hands.

McCaw and So’oialo are back for New Zealand and that will be a huge boost, especially at Eden Park. But the Aussies aren’t far behind on the pride stakes and are in for a pound, as Stephen Moore says; “It’s a more proud record for them as an obstacle for us. We’ve got a new chance to win there this weekend and that’s all we’re really focussed on.”

Fact: James O’Connor is 19. Fact: James O’Connor was raised in New Zealand. Fact: James O’Connor’s mum is South Africa and his dad is a Kiwi. Fact; James O’Connor said his heroes growing up were Carlos Spencer, Christian Cullen and Stacey Jones. Fact: James O’Connor and Will Genia are the Wallabies only backs on the bench. Fact: Will will be the Wallabies 835^th Test player of all time mate, if he gets on…I think! Fact; two weeks ago I thought New Zealand would lose, unless they got the McCaw fella back and providing Elsom was back in the Green ‘n Gold. Fact: fool thinks Australia will still do it…by 10, even if the Duck is steering the ship and So’oialo is back!

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

The Ashes are upon us, amongst us…around us But we allowed to smoke in the pub, are we fuck! It’s the only place you can watch any bloody Ashes flutter away from the SWALEC stadium’s house of retribution and into the fortuitous glove of fate, and to be honest…I didn’t mind – I stood outside and watched through the glass doors.

The most un-likeliest of draws has made a series of it, although the Aussies had this Test in the bag till around three hours to go on day 5 – swindled by Old Father Time? Perhaps not, let’s say, that’s Test cricket.

England managed a recognisable 435 on Day 1 and the Aussies followed suit on an even more acceptable 600 and billion and declared thanks to a gritty flurry from batsmen such as Punter’s 150, Marcus North’s 125*, Haddin’s array of tricks on 121 and further tons during the course of their innings from Katich and Hussey.

If the batsmen had a field day then so did the bowlers with Mitchell Johnson hurtling them down, albeit him probably being slightly over used, and Peter ‘the Grimace’ Siddel providing the knocks, the better ones on Swann’s head and arms. He revealed the reasoning behind his nick name Sid Vicious, as he told us after coming off an AFL shoulder barge with Broad in the middle was because; “I get a bit fiery and the eyes go all red.” – Still not a Sex Pistols music fan though by all accounts – poof!

So with such a swaggering batsmanship of 674-6 declared first innings and England requiring to bat all day on day 5 to stay in the running, Fred’s echoing words after Day 2 resounded loud and clear; Swanny said, “Fred said it was similar to the Oval (2005). From absolutely nowhere it takes a good spell to get back into the game, just like it did back then.” – Colly, Jimmy and Monty ultimately recoiled the aftershock of such bravado talk but for the others it fell on deaf ears.

When Colly was busting a gut on 245 balls in 343 minutes for 74 runs his dismissal was the proverbial nail for England. Jimmy Anderson came in and his record as a night watchman stands – still not out in 50 innings, nevertheless Monty’s resolve in the middle against Hilfenhous, Siddle and Mitchell was backs to the wall stuff. Swann always said he had it in him; in fact he said, “When I do get the chance to bat, I always go out with a smile on my face. Monty was great today. I tell him he bats like Yuvraj Singh in the nets and he has a Test ton in him.” – Let’s not bank on it, but he did pull off a 69 ball survivorship with Jimmy to clutch the draw from Punter’s bewailing containment.

But ach man, as PdV would say, there was the time to be eaten and wickets to be had in the closing afternoon. The 12^th man Bilal ‘Birmingham’ Shafayet came out twice for gloves and the physio also, to see if Monty’s turban was on straight but did it put off the bowlers or save the extra couple of minutes to hold out till stumps came – did it by buggery!

England held on by the skin of their pearlies and Levi was chuffed, sort of, “It was horrible to watch as a batsman, having to watch your No.10 and No.11 do your job for you, isn’t a place where you want to be. All credit to them, they withheld so much pressure.”

Punts was visibly vexed and was hopeful that his explicit rants were to be picked up by others when he said, “I am sure others will be taking it up with the England hierarchy.”

Which clearly wasn’t the case as Aussies own Dizzy Gillespie saw it as it was; “Gamesmanship was in play yesterday. I know when I’ve been in bat last on in a day; my shoe-lace has come undone or something similar. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again.”

He continued, “Aussies say sledging is gamesmanship, others say it’s not in the spirit of the game.”

Flower had his pennies, or should that be scent’s worth; “On this occasion he (Punter) has made a meal of it. I would say let’s keep it all in perspective and not defect attention from a very good rear action.” – Hang on; what are we talking about now!

Let’s let the Punts sum it up, and very succinctly he does so too; “Was I that bad after the game? I have been reading about it, but its water off a ducks back now. It would have been 10 out of 10 with one more wicket. It was a really good team performance and that’s what we’re after.”

And lastly Fred will quit Test cricket after these Ashes on grounds of his sanity and the chance to earn a lot more loot in the IPL without having to diet and crush another ankle, knee, tibia…

If you’re after Aggers on the Ashes on BBC Long Wave then tune into 200 and steer the dial just onto the second nought.

End of Day 2: England are…364/ 6

That’s it.

Other sports:

Mark Webber became the first Australian to win an F1 GP since Allan Jones in 1981. The Red Bull star dragged his cocaine drinking partner into second with him in the shape of Sebastian Vettel in Germany. On his 130^th attempt the Web-man saluted the Aussie flag; “It was very, very important for me because not many Australians drivers have reached Formula 1 and there are even fewer who have been successful. It’s a real message to the Australian people. I’ve always tried to represent my country as best as I could.” – Good on yer the Web-ster

Meanwhile Briton Jim Collins 34 has won the World Championship Pea Shooting Competition in a village near Witcham. Jim out did contests ants from all over the world to plant a maple seed, as they have a smoother trajectory, onto a target 12 inches at 12ft away. He said, “It was definitely beginners luck. I was surprised to win but extremely happy.” – Good on yer the Jim-ster

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Stressed male workers now have the chance to de-stress or should I say dress, by getting the chance to wear a bra for men. The £20 soothing silky material offers a, ‘calming and revived sensation’ and is available in white, pink, and black, but wee ‘A’ cup only. The Japanese mail order company Wishroom Bra-O are knocking them out (I bet they are) where boss Masayuka Tsuchiya says, “They’re (the clients) are not interested in cross-dressing, they just find wearing a bra relaxes them.” – How much more cross-dressing can you get! – fool has absolutely nothing against men wanting to wear women’s clothes – I once had a pal who’d suit a nice floral number in the evenings (have I said too much?) – But a bra…that must be the least relaxing of items. I’d rather loosen the buckle on of my wale bones…doh!

For him and her

Road workers making way for a …road for the 2012 Olympics near Poole in Dorset have unearthed 51 naked soldiers at least 1000 years old. Naked. Not even a bra in sight. The soldiers thought to have been the aftermath of a battle between the Danes and resident Saxons were described by researcher Angela Boyle who said, “Most of the skulls exhibit evidence of multiple blows with a large, very sharp weapon, such as a sword.” – And not from a make shift bra-sling shot. However, as we build up to the London Olympics police are predicting thousands of imported prostitutes to deal with the forecasted demands, which fool believes the government should supply from home-grown ‘talents’, by way of perks for holding the bloody thing.

Robert Plant got his CBE off Prince Charles this week and wasn’t in the least bit miffed that Jimmy Page had already received his OBE years ago, he said, “If we can remember each other’s phone number at this time in life it’s a miracle.” – Absolutely no-one under the age of 30 knows anyone else’s phone number these days! – Did I tell you Robert Plant got his CBE this week…

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Help’, was the first Beatles song not to be about love!

Paul Buckley 37 from Cape Town South Africa was quite happily sitting on his surf board waiting for the perfect wave when all of a sudden he had an apocalyptic moment; “I suddenly had a strange feeling. I could hear something and I literally felt a very strong negative aggressive presence. I just knew in my gut that it was a shark.” – After the shark bit half his leg off he said, “It was like a 500lb Rotweiler in a very bad mood. It sounded like a growl or a grunt, maybe from the impact. The fear was unbelievable. The first thing I thought when I was attacked was, ‘no please God, not like this.’” – As opposed to not knowing anything about it, as 44 years of drug addiction inside a chameleon’s skin with the occasional head on fire, will do to you, compared to the odd reefer on the ocean every now and then. ‘Hey dude, I felt a very strong negative aggressive presence.’

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “You wouldn’t believe it…so I won’t tell you” – Yep, fool again, as I forgot it.

Sander Cevek 57 has plodded around for 38 years with a bullet in his head, because it is too close to his brain for an operation. – Why don’t we all get one! He got the slug after his cousin shot him at his wedding back in 1971 in Suza Croatia. Chirpy (mental) old Sander’s takes pills every day to avert paralysis in his left hand and foot but is he bitter? No, not the Colonel! He says, “I never even asked my cousin anything about it. I just wanted to keep the family ties. I don’t want there to be any bad feeling.” – Well, to be fair it is the tradition to fire off a volley of shots at a Croatian wedding, it’s just that you’re supposed to do them in the air.

Sander’s needs a microchip that controls the voluntary movement in the body, the cortex, to stimulate movement through thought. That’s what boffs at Pittsburgh Pennsylvania have invented. The electrode thinner than a human hair works on monkeys and Prof Andrew Schwartz said, “As the days go by you see the monkey using it as if the device has been embodied so they think of it as part of their own body.’ – There was even a human patient who although paralysed could, through thought alone, control light switches, move a mouse around a computer screen and turn on and off the TV. Schwartz continued, “When you think you move, you do. One day you could be sitting here with a person and you wouldn’t even know if they had the symptoms or not.” – Spooky

Make these move

Lastly, and no Aussie out back story of how a 19 year-old Londoner got lost in the Blue Mountains for 12 days and survived on wild berries and plants and even tried to catch a wild horse to eat, because I haven’ got it, but I do have the new world record for 582 drummers simultaneously playing the same beat in Birmingham’s National Indoor Arena, and it doesn’t get much more exciting than that… come on, the record used to be 533. I wonder how may were paralysed!